haze.
@idjaeyul, at a vip room at an upscale club, incredibly drunk.
everything’s in motion. the music is loud, echoing inside of san’s eardrums. colors are rolling and the floor underneath san’s feet is shaking apart. he blinks, heavy-lidded and sways. like he might've been on board a ship. it’s headed toward destruction, about to be capsized with how much he’s stumbling. san’s drunk. entirely smashed. but it’s okay, because they’re in the private vip section of a fairly discrete club. it’s okay, because he’s with jaeyul, and jaeyul always has his best interest at heart. that’s what san steadfastly believes anyway, even if it isn’t quite true. the music changes, and it’s nearly disorienting.Â
san lifts an arm, acutely aware of the motion but the processing is almost delayed. he drags his fingers through his hair, leaves it messy. “what time is it even?” san asks the man on his right. jaeyul’s profile in this lighting is familiar to him. etched in his brain. he’s seen it countless times over. how long have they been friends, even? nearly the entire length of san’s career. long enough or too long. it’s hard to tell the difference. his head feels heavy and he drops it, briefly, to jaeyul’s shoulder.Â
san inhales the smell of cigarette smoke. maybe it’s from jaeyul, or maybe it’s what’s sticking to his own shirt. a bad habit that clings to fiber and betrays him. in this moment though, it’s very evident that san has quite a many bad habits. “should we leave?” san mumbles it into the fabric of jaeyul’s shirt. he fiddles with the edges of the other’s sleeve. he’s drunk, and he’s built up a repertoire with jaeyul. attempting to pull affection from someone who seems easy to give it. it fluctuates between convincing himself he’s comfortable around him and ignoring a sense of unease that wants to creep up on him when he’s too many drinks in and somebody is ordering another round of shots.Â
to san, jaeyul is an anchor. something that keeps him pinned down while he treads above the waves. self-discovery, branching out, becoming comfortable in his own skin. those are the excuses that get piled up, those are what san believes himself to be doing while leaning against jaeyul, borrowing confidence or else something unnamable. in reality, he isn’t much of that at all. he’s instead some destructive sea creature. shark-finned and intent on dipping down into deeper waters. darker waters. san caught and dragged down with him. it’s fun. it really is. san’s convinced himself of it.
