i'm pretty sure we've all done it. y'know, used your phone to avoid having to engage someone entirely. like that dude at the bus stop who won't quit talking to you, so you take your phone out and tweet how you're tweeting to avoid someone.

i myself have been guilty on more than one occasion of referring to my twitter account as my tranny girlfriend, hedwig. it's serious. sometimes (usually if i'm around a bunch of people i don't know/can't stand) we can't go five minutes without talking to each other. it's kinda sad, but i can't help it. i love her doggy style. ;)

no, but seriously. i've done it, you've done it - or maybe not to the delusional severity that i have (hey, don't freaking judge me for that - what she and i have, it's special) - but checking your phone when you know you have no messages or calls, just "checking the time" or whatever you want to justify it as, if it is done in an effort to avoid someone, YOU ARE GUILTY.

it kind of makes me wonder what people did back, you know, like ten years ago when everyone DIDN'T have a cell phone and didn't want to talk to each other.

actually, what REALLY made me wonder all of this was the fact that a friend of mine's dad came into the room and i was trying to look busy.

so i woke up this morning to a screaming child. not so unusual, and something i've grown to deal with over the past year and a half (almost) that my minion has been on this earth. some days, i'll scream back. not like yelling words, just a general AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH like he does to me. because i'm trying to get him to use his words too, as well as teach him that it isn't fun to be screamed at first thing in the morning. and also maybe teach that mom isn't responsible for her reactions right out of bed.

these are all things he will have to learn in life.

truthfully, this rant isn't even about aiden - this rant is about every other parent out there that thinks we're somehow friends or joined in some kind of parental bond because we both have kids. and really? that is so not the case.

i've never really liked kids. like, before i had aiden i was never one of those women that wanted to be a mom. hell, for the longest time i was "morally opposed to biological reproduction" - really, i just liked using those words because it made most people go "you're what?" and i like having to explain myself to people just to be a bitch and prove i'm smarter than them. i can't help it lol.

but seriously, i've never really been a big fan of kids. i'm the biggest fan of my own (now), but everyone else's? well, i have to like YOU pretty well in order to like your kids... and as we all know, most people i barely tolerate. so obviously if i'm barely tolerating you, your kid isn't really high on my list of people i give a shit about. that's just how it is.

this is not to say i would ever let anything happen to a child as long as it was well within my control to prevent it. nor would i endanger any child, regardless of how i felt about it or its parents.

what i've figured out though, is that it isn't the KIDS i have a problem with. it's the PARENTS.

i was raised in a very strict household, and as such have gone a little bit out of my way to be more lenient on my spawn - because i was MISERABLE growing up, so my #1 goal with my kid is that he's happy. i could give a fuck less if he wants to join a traveling dance troupe that goes across russia doing contemporary renditions of swan lake - if it makes him happy, fucking DO IT.

plus, it'd mean he's in russia, and how many parents DON'T want their adult kids HALFWAY ACROSS THE WORLD instead of in their basement? EXACTLY.

but what drives me up the wall is when i see these kids out in public screaming their ASSES off and parents just standing there ignoring it. like, one, okay - i ignore aiden's screaming, but when we're at home. if we're in public and he starts yelling, i will literally drop everything to give him attention. i guess that makes me a bad mom. but if we're in a library and he starts screaming (this has happened before), i will literally RUN out of the building to go outside and deal with it.

I WILL NOT BE THAT MOM.

why? because i fucking HATE THAT MOM.

but i guess i also have a low tolerance for that mom because i was fortunate enough to have a child that was never much of a screamer in the truest sense of the word. he's always been more of a... well, a WHINER. instead of a blood-curdling yell, it's more of a pathetic little whimper when he doesn't get his way that slowly escalates to a more believable one. sometimes there's tears, but usually not. he's quite the performer lol.

it clearly must be different for the woman whose child has to be doing that ALL THE FUCKING TIME in order for her to seem completely oblivious to it. or, maybe she's deaf? oh, wait, that's her cell phone she's talking into. :|

you know what else i hate? all these people that DON'T have kids that are gonna tell somebody what they should or shouldn't do with their kids. like, who in the fuck are you? the parenting police? when did they start hiring? because i've been looking to join that force for awhile - wait, you don't hire actual parents? but doesn't that seem a little... wait, this isn't real is it?

so i have this friend on fb that i used to work with. she's very young, very naive, and more than just slightly dumb; she was a waitress when we worked together and i always had a recurring problem with having to order 2-5 times and STILL somehow getting a wrong order back. as someone who was a damn good waitress? that drives me batshit insane.

ANYWAY. the new stalkerbox (or as they call it "live feed") on fb is great. i hated it when it first came up, but now that i've gotten accustomed to it the device has provided me with infinite lulz and entertainment for hours, no lie. this was one of those times.

so i see this comment from homegirl come up about how "that's disgusting blah blah blah" - and you know how fb only shows so much of the comment before you have to click on it or whatever. so i do that.

it comes up as a picture of a man with a young child (presumably his, because they look just fucking alike - unfortunate for the child, who was a girl lol) and he's holding this kid's hand in the middle finger position. now, from my powers of deductive logic and my mad trolling skills, i still couldn't figure out how these two know each other... but the first comment on this picture was this girl going OFF. i think there were actually two comments.

SO YEAH, anyhow this girl was going OFF about how this guy was essentially the scum of the earth for doing this to his kid. how could he do this to his kid? you should raise your children to be respectful and this is ridiculous - SHE SHOULD BE TAKEN AWAY FROM YOU FOR THIS PICTURE BEING TAKEN.

she proceeded to take a screenshot of the comments and post it on her fb to try and put this dude on blast. she cropped his face out of the picture so it was just the little girl (i would have kept his face in and blurred out the girl, but whatever) and the comments she posted.

the thing is... this girl doesn't have any kids. nevermind that she isn't the sharpest tool in the shed (she isn't a MORON - and for me to say that is actually a great compliment - but she's no genius) and, i feel, horribly underqualified to even make the assessment of how this dude is as a parent.

but what really got to me? was the whole YOU ARE THE SCUM OF THE EARTH BECAUSE YOU DID THIS TO A CHILD.

that sounds like it should be directed at jerry sandusky, in my opinion. or some other individual who actually committed a CRIME against a child. those exact words used in describing a man who has his child give the finger (which, not gonna lie, i wouldn't do that to aiden - but if he did it himself i'd have a great giggle and totally take a picture; maybe not put it on fb, but i'd have a picture for sure)... i just don't feel like that's it.

this is actually a follow-up post. okay, so tumblr was down for awhile and i ended up posting this on fb:

random guy friends me. 2 mutual friends, 1 of which i semi-know, and the other one i really don't. okay. accepted. all random adds get a probationary period before i decide whether they deserve to be blocked, but most of them - if you really want/need to be friends with me, go ahead. ANYWAY, homeboy posts these exact words: "I dont need a bitch with good pussy ... i like woman with good credit" - to which i replied, "too bad some of us like a man with good grammar. lol." which i think was a fair burn (truthfully, i'm still giggling about it), because seriously, who the fuck are you thinking you're such a badass piece of fucking dick that any fucking girl would be lucky to have you and pay your goddamn bills? anyway, i don't know the guy so i didn't want to be TOO mean, and it was a fair statement. so far i have five likes, so obviously people agree. anyhow, first comment he made in response was "I know that was the irony about the situation" - but he deleted it before i could post that it would be the irony OF the situation, and that in and of itself was irony AND proving my point. then it was something like "I like a womn with good credit" - deleted it, and finally got it right the third time but added "Like a woman with good credit..lol u know what i mean..and ..umm....to bad i forgot to mention cute..." which i know was an attempted jab at me (I FUCKING LOVE MY NEW HAIRCUT LIKE YOU HAVE NO IDEA GUYS, SERIOUSLY :D :D :D :D :DDDD), but it's like, first of all sweetheart, i have terrible credit. like, really bad. so i obviously couldn't have even been referring to myself, even IF i wanted your nuts (which, i'm sorry, you've already failed the first test, so yeah). secondly, if you knew me (but you don't, since you added me randomly - so i'm telling you, because you may/may not see this), you would know i'm celibate and even if you did stand a snowball's chance in hell of getting some ass from me, you aren't worthy of it. and lastly, i pity the bitch that is sitting here going back and forth in the comments with you - because the truth of the matter is, she probably will fuck you if you want to. and, if the effort you put into your spelling is an indicator of how you're going to be in bed, again - i pity the bitch. i hope you don't ruin her credit score or her sexual reputation too badly. :) oh, and also guys.. i'm not cute anymore! FUCKING A RIGHT I'M NOT CUTE ANYMORE! BAHAHAHAAHAHSDLKFJASDKLFJ! :D

FOLLOW UP ON THIS? he's deleted the status completely. which i find absolutely hilarious, because i honestly wasn't TRYING to be a bitch. i mean it. but when you're gonna say something like that, you should probably put a little more effort into not sounding completely ignorant. i mean, the statement in and of itself was completely ignorant when grammatically correct - so when it's wrong? wow, dude. i mean... you're clearly such a good investment on her part. only, you know... not. :|