#identidy

Day 19-Fog

Other Stories

Clarity

Spring 1975

Set during...

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The engine slowly woke, consciousness returning slowly. As her vision cleared, a familiar shape formed in front of her. Her oldest sister was in front of her, a worried expression on her face

"Saint Martin?"

"Oh thank the Lady, you remember." Relief spread across the hall's face with shakey sigh of relief.

"I-I remember talking to you, something important."

"What's the last thing you remember?" She looked over to her side. A blue tank engine sat next her, one that was oddly familiar.

"I was being taken to the scrapyard." She tried to focus but her memories were foggy. "I-I remember hearing two people talking. They needed an engine, an engine to..."

She trailed off, before understanding hit her like a lightning bolt. "I'm not a Hall anymore am I?"

"You're still my sibling, hall or not." Saint Martin said decisively.

Well that answered that. "What am I now?"

"A saint class." The tank engine spoke up. "You were given the same rebuild as your sister but in reverse."

She was slowly piecing her memories together. " I wasn't well. You asked me if I was sure."

"Although you were saved, you never truly left the scrapyard behind." 4900 sounded defeated. "Times when you were lucid were often months or even years apart."

The tank engine, Caomhnóir, she suddenly remembered, continued for her. "When you overheard two of the volunteers talking about the Saint Project, you volunteered. You hoped the rebuild would give you a second chance."

"A reset."

"Exactly. It was hoped you would change enough to clear your mind, while leaving who you were intact."

"Are you..." Saint Martin looked almost terrified of the question she wanted to ask.

"I am not Maindy Hall."

 4900's face fell,"Oh."

"But...I was."

Saint Martin looked up, a desperate hope brimming in her eyes.

The Saint class was silent for a moment. "I'm not a Hall...but I look at you and still see my big sister. I remember Oltan calling me big brother...but I'm a girl. I have Maindy's memories...but they're distant. I'm not sure they're mine anymore."

Saint Martin looked down, "honestly, that's more than Maindy could say at the end."

"You're not Maindy Hall, but you're what he became." The tank engine said solemnly. 

"That's probably the best way to put it."

"I can more than live with that. I just need to know, can you?"

The Saint thought for a moment, staring at the ceiling in consideration. "Either way it was the right call. Maindy's last memories were clouded even to him. I don't think he would have made it much longer without slipping away. He would have given far more than this to clear the fog from his mind...I will need a new name though."

"We may can help with that." A human stepped forward from beside her.

She stared at him. "I-I recognize you."

He laid a hand on her bufferbeam. "I'm happy to hear that. 

"You were there when I was pulled out."

"Indeed, we hoped to give you a new life, after the scrapyard. It may have proved more difficult than expected, but it was worth every moment."

"Thank you," she said quietly, "not many would have given me a second chance, much less a third."

"You deserved that and more. Now as for your name and number, we were originally going to build a new saint from scratch before you volunteered. We planned to give it the next number in line for the class, 2999. As for the name, we chose Lady Of Legend."

But honestly? It is far more important that you understand this:

I hate asparagus.

Well, the actual name of the disorder is ADHD, regardless of which type. It’s faster to say ADD, and I tend to even though I’m Combined type (so yeah, ADHD with the H) just because of that.

However, since this is important to you I think this is a boundary you can set. Talk to your mom about the actual real name of it being ADHD; there is no such thing as ADD in diagnostic terms (at least, not in the DSM), and there hasn’t been since 1994. Tell her that you would really appreciate it if she could use the correct term when talking to you about it, and respectfully let her know that you feel strongly enough about this that you won’t be talking to her about it if she insists on calling it ADD. The hard part is following through, because she is your mother. But if she insists on saying ADD, you tell her “Mom, remember how I said I need you to call it ADHD? If you say ADD again I’m going to have to stop talking to you about it.” And then if she does it again, you say “Okay, I can’t talk to you about this anymore. We can try again later.” You might have to leave the room to enforce the boundary.

Sometimes you can’t enforce boundaries – some people are just really pushy or don’t understand boundaries, or plain don’t care. If your mom won’t respect your boundaries, you may be stuck dealing with it for now. But do keep reminding her that you prefer ADHD and that it’s the actual real name.

Really, you can’t.

Because ADHD impacts every aspect of your life, especially how you perceive and respond to the world, it’s intertwined into everything you do. So all we can do is see if other ADHDers do a thing, and if it’s really common or less common.

In the end, I don’t think it matters if a thing is due to ADHD or not; I do what I do and I am what I am, and regardless of why I do and am those things, they’re part of me and that’s that.