#icefick

Nate notices something off from the half boot print in the mud of the bush next to his front door. He grabs the knife from his back pocket and holds it with the blade pointed outward, ready to strike, as he unlocks the door.

Even in the pitch-black darkness of his new home, he can tell that someone is here that shouldn’t be, sitting on his stairs.

He slowly set his keys and bag down, feigning ignorance.

Knife still in hand, he reaches for the light switch and braces himself.

The light flicks on. He turns quickly and is met with a long-legged, calm, blonde force. He laughs inwardly that his first thought isn’t “This man is going to kill me,” but rather “The man here to kill me is really attractive.”

He refocuses as the man’s face turns from calm indifference to annoyed confusion. Then, and only then, does his notice the gun aimed directly at his heart.

“Who are you? What do you want?” Nate asks firmly. He’s been out of the military for a while, but the training is not something you outgrow or forget.

The man rolls his eyes as he flicks his safety back on.

Nate watches the blonde stand up, impossibly taller as he stands on the bottom step of the staircase.

“Back off asshole. I’m a Marine.” Nate orders, knife poised to strike as soon as the intruder takes a step too close. The safety may be off, but a man like this could probably kill Nate with a paper clip.

The intruder smiles, sharp and dangerous, “Semper Fi.”

Nate balks at that.

The man speaks again, softer this time, “Put the knife down…I’m not going to hurt you.”

“Says the dick who broke into my home and just had a gun aimed at me.” Nate holds his knife tighter.

“My name is Brad if you wouldn’t mind using that instead of childish superlatives.”

Nate scoffs. The audacity.

Still, he figures Brad is the perfect name for a man with his stature and physique. Nate doesn’t realize he’s been staring at the man in front of him and lets his guard down until he feels the knife pulled from his grip in a smooth transfer.

“Good.” Brad comments, the proximity making Nate’s heart race, from adrenaline or attraction he’s not sure.

Brad continues, “Now technically, this isn’t supposed to be your home. This is supposed to be the home of Charles Whitman. A gunrunner and weapons dealer to a domestic, backwoods militia responsible countless terror attacks throughout the country.”

Nate’s eyes widen.

“I moved in a few weeks ago. I was told the previous owners moved uptown.”

Brad sighs heavily.

“For what it’s worth, this has never happened. I’m sorry for the disruption.”

Nate stares at Brad for a long time before he burst into uncontrollable laughter.

Brad looks at him like he’s lost his mind or is in shock or both.

“Disruption?” Nate finally breathes out, “It’s not like you delivered a pizza to the wrong house. You broke in and pointed a gun at me.”

Nate laughs still and sighs as he walks casually toward the bar in the living room.

“Drink?” He calls out, still in shock and wondering why he’s invited the assassin to stay longer.

“Bourbon if you have it,” Brad replies, breaking his gun down with each piece fitting perfectly in the lining of his jacket.

Nate pours the drinks blindly watching Brad handle his gun with such practiced ease.

“You pour any more, I’ll have to spend the night.”

Nate furrows his brows in confusion then turns to look at the glasses and realizes he’s about to overpour Brad’s glass with bourbon.

“Shit!” He exclaims, attempts to mediate that problem by pouring it to other glasses with shaking hands.

Brad grabs Nates hands, knowing that the shock was wearing off and Nate needed a drink more than he did.

He places a glass in Nate’s hands and orders, “Drink.”

Nate follows and is guided to sit on his couch.

Brad soon joins him with his own glass and a second for Nate.

They sit in silence, not uncomfortable, while Nate calms down and Brad decides what the hell he’s doing.

“Feeling better?” He asks softly.

Nate laughs again and Brad realizes he still here because something about his not-target is drawing him in.

“You know, for a hired gun, you have a wonderful bedside manner.”

Brad smiles, liking the man next to him more and more as time passes. He wasn’t like anyone Brad had ever met and in his line of work, Brad’s met more people than he’d like.

“People tell me that all time,” Brad replies, deadpan.

“Really?” Nate exclaims, eyebrows rising to his forehead.

“No.”

Nate and Brad both laugh and Nate slaps Brad’s arm good-naturedly to chide him for the joke and Brad grabs it on instinct.

The contact silences the laughter and forces both men to look at one another. Brad loosens his grip on Nate’s hand

Both men are struck with how easy it is to talk to one another and how, despite how they met, comfortable they were around one another.

Brad was cautious and slow to trust by nature and by career and Nate was the same, but something about the two together was simple and felt easy and natural.

Nate smiles, “I’m Nate by the way.”

Brad leans in slowly, staring deeply into Nate’s focused eyes.

“Good to put a name to the face.”

Nate remains silent, wanting so badly to kiss Brad, but not being able to take the dive. For a trained Marine, his self-preservation was clocking in at around zero right now.

“Dinner?” Nate whispers instead, afraid anything louder would shatter the moment. His self-preservation, despite being a trained Marine, was nearing zero.

Brad smiles, lazy and warm.

“Sure.”

Nate smiles back but neither of them moves to the kitchen.

“Is this weird?” Nate asks suddenly.

“It’s unorthodox, but no, not weird.”

Brad scoots closer to Nate, drawing Nate’s gaze into his own.

“Good,” Nate laughs and pulls Brad into a kiss.

Brad returns the kiss quickly, surprised but not disappointed in how his night has turned out.

He’s about to pull Nate in closer when his phone trills in quick succession.

“Shit.”

Brad stands up and answers the phone quickly.

“Yo, yo, yo. Bradley.”

“Ray. You have thirty seconds.”

“Trombley got the addresses wrong. Send you new coordinates. Hopefully, you didn’t like kill someone yet.”

Brad rolls his eyes so harshly they hurt.

“I know. I didn’t. I’ll head there now. Will send a report when it’s done.”

“Sounds pimpin’, Iceman. See you back at HQ.”

Ray disconnects the call and Brad sighs.

“Duty call?” Nate asks from behind him and Brad barely manages to not to jump. The stealth of the other man impressing Brad in a way that makes him want to continue what they started on the couch.

Brad sighs, “Yeah. My team managed to fix their fuck up.”

Nate laughs, “It’s about time.”

Nate doesn’t know why he’s so casual about the fact that Brad just received an order to follow through on an assassination, but he knows orders are orders and supposes there’s a mutual understanding there.

He throws caution to the wind and grabs Brad’s hand.

“The offer for dinner still stands. When you want.” Nate smile and Brad smiles back.

Nate is pulled into a quick kiss before Brad pulls away and is out Nate’s door.

It isn’t until three weeks later when Nate sees Brad again. This time in a soft grey suit fitted perfectly. Standing in front of the screen door. With flowers.

Nae smiles but crosses his arms to indicate that he’s not happy Brad made him wait so long.

Brad looks nervous and a little uncomfortable and Nate slightly basks in it.

“Dinner?” Brad asks cautiously, worried he’s overthought their fateful meeting three weeks ago. The job had extended because his target got wind of the hit out on him. So, Brad spent the better part of a month chasing hit target across the world when he would’ve rather been with Nate.

Nate let Brad stew in his nerves just a moment longer before he smiles and pulls Brad into his arm.

“You’re in charge of the salad, Iceman.”

Brad laughs and kisses Nate.

Easy.

Simple.

Natural.

Just like he remembered and hopes it always will be.

They don’t drop it. They argue about who is Mr Right and who is Mr Always Right all the way through dinner and beers afterwards. It’s the bartender who settles it in the end. 

“Bambi your viking boyfriend is clearly right.” She cuts in mid argument. “Now enough with the foreplay, go home and have sex and release me from the prison of your UST.” Nate tips her a twenty because he just wants to be out of there. Brad laughs on the car ride home, big full body shaking laughter. Nate feels like he might be the butt of that laugh.

Until they get back to his house and Brad pushes him down onto the sofa with his hands and explains he was laughing because he finally, really, truly got it.

They make it to the hallway. Nate complains they didn’t have the right intel and went into this OP blind. Brad promises to buy all the lube and condoms for next time. 

<~>

It takes them a while to come out to their friends from the Marine Core. Their families know but there are still laws and other things standing in their way. 

In the end they choose a cook out with just guys from Bravo they trust.

The moment Nate is done talking Gabby Espera holds out her hand in silence and nearly every man at the cook out puts a twenty in her palm. 

“Well that’s reassuring for my career.” Brad states.

“Dawg, don’t worry my wife is simply a goddess and can see beyond with scope of mortal men.” Poke explains while smiling at his very flush wife. 

The only person who doesn’t hand over money is Walt. 

“Did you bet for them?” Ray asks astonished.

“This is old news,” Walt shrugs. 

“It really isn’t holmes.” Ray continues. Walt shakes his head and wanders off to get a beer.

<~>

At their wedding Brad and Nate thank Walt for being the catalyst that finally made them realize what they were to each other. 

That night at the bar a pretty drunk Walt Hasser explains to Evan Wright “I thought they were already together. I thought they had been together since before Matilda. I didn’t place a bet because I thought they had already run off together!” 

brad colbert:bad habits - fidlar - this song is a bit “showy” for brad but it’s such an absolute “i fucking do what i want and your opinion isn’t needed or wanted or should even be thought” type song; his issues are his own and brad is unapologetic about not opening up or sharing anything and it isn’t from a scared position or anything else, he has emotions and he’s not afraid of being vulnerable because he knows it’s not a weakness or a fault, he’s just genuinely so private that only those closest to him see the real him; he has his bad habits but they’re HIS, no one else’s and he doesn’t need help or anyone to chime in on them because he’s at least acknowledging the fact that they’re there; he knows that anyone who truly loves him will stick around and support him despite these bad habits and they do; anyone else who “can’t handle it” wouldn’t be someone he’d want in his life anyway; the line “i don't care if i'm damaged, honestly, i just think i'm bored” hit me because i always see brad as someone who feels like he should always be doing more and “reaching his full potential” for no other reason than the fact that he likes to keep busy and enjoys all that life has to offer; so bad habits are easy to pick up because he gets bored easy and “idle hands” and all that; not the song i think describes brad perfectly but one that makes me think of him...and ray, every damn time. 

nate fick:seein’ red - unwritten law - there’s something that always stuck with me in gen kill and it was leadership, like it was a main consistency running throughout the whole thing; and nate’s leadership especially was a big point for me because they’re adults but they’re also still relatively young and something about their leading just will always remain impressive to me; especially nate’s and this song is just a real anthem for him and never fails to make me think of the “don’t fuck with my men” scene and i get chills; but it also reminds me of nate always feeling like he had to play catch up or that he was failing even when it wasn’t his fault or when he wasn’t failing, which i think we can all relate to;  like “i confess, i don't know what to make from all this mess. don't have much time for sympathy, but it never happened to me. so follow the leader now.” there’s something about gen kill that forces you to see them as superficial and emotionless until they’re in the thick of it and the reality comes through and all nate wants is to get his men home alive because that’s what leaders do

speirton:life me up - mree - okay so...i like to think that there’s two speirs; pre-lip and post-lip and while he’s still the same, there are significant differences between the two because i really feel like ron “death wish” speirs unconsciously (or consciously) does have a real (small??) death wish before he meets lip and while his recklessness is just as much brave as it is illogical, there’s one person who isn’t scared or him or in awe of him and that’s lip; he jokes with ron and no one “jokes” with ron, he’s easy to talk to and understands the severity and harsh realities or war but unlike ron he doesn’t let them diminish the soft parts of his personality, if anything lip’s compassion and dedication thrives because it is a scarce but highly needed resource in the war and lip gives it freely and without question and ron is in deep before he knows it; lips softens him and you see a lot of ron’s hard line dissapate the more he’s around lip, he wouldn’t have given two shit is someone was sick or about promotions but lip had both and ron was happy for the promotion but worried about the pneumonia because anything could kill them out here and ron would die just to find lip and yell at him for dying from pneumonia; okay i digress but post-war when all is said and done, ron finds himself in a new world, he’d gotten so used to houses with singed wallpaper and missing roofs, that when they’re in a warm home, wrapped up in one another, with only the sound of a ceiling fan and the crickets outside that ron feels like he’s missed a step somewhere; lip came in and changed his entire world and ron didn’t even notice and tbh he can’t even be upset because he’s never felt so content and settled and happy in his life before; lip lifts him up and ron can only try to do the same for him for as long as they’re together

It was official, Nate and Brad were in charge of the most important day of the year: Ray’s birthday.

Well the most important day, this year, because last year Ray didn’t have a party and he spent the following three weeks explaining the history and importance of a birthday party, so needless to say, they got the hint. 

Nate figured they’d do something at a nice restaurant or somewhere with a private room for all of them to be able to have a good time. 

He forgot to plan accordingly for Brad’s need to be dramatic sometimes. 

So, when Brad pulls up and shouts, “Get in loser, we’re going to the dollar store,” as Nate walks up to the car, Nate knows he’s in for a long day. 

Brad’s on the phone with Pappy for the duration of the drive, confirming that he and Rudy will host and let them use the house for the day, so Nate can’t ask why they’re going to the dollar store. 

It isn’t until they’re in the decoration aisle that Brad starts speaking, already knowing Nate was waiting to ask.

“Ray’s had a little bit of a hard time since moving here. For all the shit, he liked being home and around his family,” Brad scoffs at a round table cloth before putting it back, “for the most part. They didn’t ever really get Ray and that’s why he move out here to be closer…to us.”

Nate watched in awe, because Brad had a habit of being entirely open and honest at the most random moments and Nate has learned to just watch and listen because they were far more important than anything else going on.

Brad grabbed some multi-colored table clothes with purple “Happy Birthday” borders with balloons and continued.

“There’s one thing he always harped on and that was his birthday. No matter what, his family always gave him a birthday party. I dropped the ball last year because of everything that was going on.”

Nate nodded and threw in some red and blue streamers to the basket, neither one of them acknowledging the moment for what it was. Last year had been the year they’d gotten together and around Ray’s birthday they’d had their first huge fight and Nate knows Brad blames himself for that and Nate blames himself. Ray was their best friend and the reason they’d even sucked it up and finally gotten together. They owed it to him tenfold because Nate honestly couldn’t remember ever being happier. 

 “We both did.” Nate agrees quietly.

Brad’s hand stops playing with the napkins and he looks to Nate with a small smile. 

“Anyway, that little brat is getting a birthday party from all the way from home. Walt is getting a cake from the grocery store and picking up the other food. Pappy and Rudy are cooking. We have to get the booze and ice after this.”

Nate realized the moment was over but as watched Brad grab some small toys and gift bag as well, he fell more in love with the tall blonde. 

He pulls Brad towards him and kisses him, a little rough and a lot sweet, before he pulls back. 

He smiles at Brad’s slightly confused look.

“You’re a good man, Brad.” He says simply before he heads to the card aisle, determined to out gift his boyfriend.

Three hours later and their hard work has paid off. It looks exactly like they’re throwing a party for an alcoholic ten-year-old. So, absolutely perfect for Ray. 

Nate is just finishing putting ice in the fourth cooler when his phone rings letting him know Brad and Ray are parking.

“They’re here!” he shouts outside and in shuffles the family of Marines that have become closer than most into the living room waiting to surprise Ray.

They hear Ray talking before they hear his feet on the porch, “…there isn’t anything that can fucking change my mind, Brad! You can’t be serious!”

They step through the door together and Ray has half a second to look at all of them before they all shout, “Surprise!”

Ray stares in horror and shock for a full minute before running up to Nate and hugging him. 

The rest of the gang start shuffling back outside after clapping Ray on the back, who is still. Hugging. Nate. 

Nate smiles and watched Brad jealously walk toward the kitchen. 

He wants to laugh because he knows he’s jealous of Nate and not of Ray because he want Ray’s appreciation and thanks for getting the party perfect.

“You know this was all Brad, right?” Ray laughs and finally pulls away.

“I know. I just like to make him jealous.”

Nate laughs, “He thinks he dropped the ball last year. He wanted to make it the best for you.”

Nate notices Ray’s eye getting a little brighter by the water gathering at the edges and he hugs Ray again, “Happy Birthday.”

Nate steps into the kitchen and watches Ray stalks toward Brad’s back.

“If you jump on me, Person, I swear to the high heavens, I will not hesitate to hurt you.”

He watches Brad’s small smile and Ray’s bare second of thinking before he jumps onto Brad’s back.

Brad sighs before running around the backyard with Ray on his back.

Nate smiles as he watches his boyfriend and his best friend annoy the rest of their chosen family. His heart feels like it’ll burst from his chest when he sees the two talking quietly, later that night, after the cake and food and drinks and gifts (he knew Ray would love the card he picked.) He watches Ray hug Brad for a long time and he can’t feel anything other than love towards the two because they’re the most important people in his life. 

Later that night, as Nate carries a passed-out Ray to the car, Brad counts his blessings – one and two - and corners Nate against the car after Ray is in it. 

In a repeat of earlier that day, Brad kiss Nate in the exact same way, before repeating, “You’re a good man, Nate.”

“I know,” Nate giggles, a little more drunk than he prefers, “that’s why you love me.”

Brad smiles and kisses Nate again.

“That I do.”

“Stop making out and feed me!” Ray shouts from the open window.

he smiled wide, though, and managed to talk to everyone in the large crowd there, thanking each person for coming and the warm wishes of “happy birthday.”

all except the one person he wanted to be there the most, but knew couldn’t be here no matter how hard he tried.

it’d been two long and gruelling years without brad by his side, holding his hand, kissing him within an inch of his life and nate had barely managed to adjust even now. but he knew what brad needed and why brad needed to stay, so he managed, waiting for the day when he could see, hear, touch, and kiss brad again. 

he snapped out of his thoughts and told himself to throw his efforts into the party and enjoy the fact that his friends and family loved him enough to do this. still, the stray thought of what brad would say or do in certain conversations couldn’t help but pop into his head.

most of the guests eventually trailed out into the large backyard where the real party was set up, but nate held back to talk to gunny and pappy.

“i can’t believe i’m about to say this, but ray was right.”

nate choked on a bit of beer and covered his coughing fit with a warm laugh.

“about what?” he asked.

“he said that if we followed his idea we’d successfully surprise you.” pappy explained.

“and what was ray’s genius plan this time?”

pappy’s eyes widen and nate noticed gunny making some sort of signal behind him

“o-oh you know just distract you enough in order to surprise you.”

pappy looked nervous and before nate could ask him what was going on, there was a loud crash outside.

“can’t leave them alone for five goddamn minutes,” pappy muttered before running outside.

nate turned to gunny and stared, imploring him with eye contact alone to tell him what was going on.

gunny just laughed, “not today nathaniel. you’re not getting a word out of me. let’s go enjoy the party.”

half an hour later and nate had realized something was missing.

the party hadn’t felt complete since he got here.

and that’s when he realized that ray was nowhere to be found...or heard.

fourth beer leaving his hand and fifth entering it from the cooler, nate shouted across the yard, “walt! where’s ray?”

half a second later someone latched themselves to his back, their legs bracketing his chest. 

“you mean this ray ray?”

nate started laughing and turned as ray dropped to his feet and hugged him tight.

nate still thought it was odd how close he and ray had gotten seen they hit stateside. for the first six months, nate was an absolute mess and he had no idea what would’ve happened had ray not been by his side, them supporting one another through readjusting to civilian life. they were inseparable now, much to the group’s dismay because nate had usually picked up where brad had left off in keeping ray in line. now, since they were thick as thieves, nate just encouraged ray to all that he could be.

nate still laughs at the look on their faces when he fondly told walt to ‘shut up and leave ray alone’ and then encourage ray to continue his rant about chocolate chip cookies was the reason the education system was failing.

he and ray pull away and he hands his beer to him and grabs another.

“what the hell took you so long?”

“i had to pick something up for the party, man. good strippers are hard to find.”

nate would’ve been worried, but ray’s eyes looked everywhere but him, and over the past two years nate had learned that it was a tell that ray was hiding something. 

he laughed, “well where are they? i’m sure trombley can scar them for life.”

“i could only afford one, nate. it is your birthday after all.”

nate swallowed heavily, “ray, you’re not serious are you?”

ray laughed warmly, “i’m just fuckin’ with you.”

nate sighed in relief.

“but your gift is inside though.”

nate smiled, “alright. i know you won’t shut up until i open it. i’ll be right back.”

nate set his beer on a coaster on the counter, remembering the shit storm that was the eggnog christmas debacle where rudy nearly killed trombley.

he started looking around the small gift table for ray’s addition, but couldn’t find anything. 

“ray,” he shouted, “where’s your gift? i can’t find it.”

nate heard the tell-tale sign of boots hitting hardwood before he heard a voice that made his heart simultaneously stop and race.

“sorry, the plane was delayed and we didn’t have time to wrap me.”

nate closed his eyes and took a deep breath before he turned around.

immediately nate’s knees gave out, but like always brad was there to catch him.

brad’s warm laugh caressed the top of nate’s head.

“you always were weak in the knees when it came to me, nate.”

nate didn’t speak, nothing he could’ve said would’ve been right.

he launched himself into brad’s arms and held on tight, needing to feel, to know that brad was really here with him.

he looks up at brad and immediately their lips are sealed, firm and passionate and everything nate needed in order to bring him back down to earth.

he opens his eyes slowly and watches as brad’s smile widens into the blinding joy that nate didn’t realize his missed as much as he did.

nate doesn’t hear the party as loudly as he did before and he suspects this was the real surprise that ray had planned for.

he looks up at brad, skeptical, “brad?”

brad was staring at him intently as though nate would disappear any minute.

“yeah?” brad responded, hands moving from nate’s sides to run through his hair.

“who knew you’d be here?” nate asked

brad laughed, “every single one of them.”

nate smiled warmly at brad’s laugh, “fucking assholes.”

brad shrugged and grabbed nate’s hand, “to be fair, it was ray’s idea.”

there was a long moment where the two men just stared at one another.

nate didn’t want to put of the inevitable, so he took a deep breath and asked, “how long are you here for?”

brad’s smiled dropped, “as long as you want.”

nate’s jaw dropped and he was speaking before he could stop himself, “forever.”

brad’s stunned silence worried him, so nate cleared his throat awkwardly.

“i-if that’s not too much to ask.” he laughed, albeit a little forcefully, knowing what he was asking for.

brad’s arms wrapped around him again and pulled him in tight.

“i can work with that.”

he kissed nate but neither could really connect because they were both smiling to wide.

nate pulled back, “do you think ray could be both our best man?”

brad’s laughter continued all the way until they were in the backyard.

and surrounded by their friends who had become and would remain family, brad and nate’s hands were intertwined, as they always would be.

i'm lost in the light...i pray for the night...to take me, to take you too

when brand and nate first got together, everyone had sort of said it would be a bad idea. 

scribe asked “what if you break up? how will you still be friends? i’ve seen shit like this happen before. i don’t want to see it happen to you.” 

poke told him that it would either end in marriage or heartbreak.

walt didn’t say much except to tell nate to be careful, which, coming from walt, was so odd that it was written off.

everyone had given them some cryptic warning mixed in with their happy sentiments. 

ray just said, “i get brad in the divorce.”

and they’d laughed it off, thinking of it as nothing but their best friends giving them a hard time. 

that was four years ago and as nate looks at the thin, embossed paper in his shaking hands, he can’t help but feel as if the world has played a massive joke on him.

nate scoffed, “save the date. save the date? save the fucking date?!”

he looked at the plain white paper with numbers and letters that all jumbled together as his vision blurred with tears.

he threw himself down onto the floor and for the first time in nearly two years allowed himself to remember the last time he saw brad.

after so many words...still nothing's heard...don't know what we should do

it was a cold december night in boston and nate sighed as he entered the warmth of his and brad’s apartment.

he grabbed a beer from the fridge and crashed onto the couch. it had been a long day full of meaningless bullshit that nate was just a little too tired to handle.

brad came out of the bathroom, “hey, how was you day?” he kissed nate on the forehead as he walked to the kitchen.

“meaningless.”

brad laughed, “i keep telling you to quit and just write full time but you won’t listen.”

nate sighed again, the persistent headache that had been there all day was flaring up again. 

“the bills have to get paid, brad. i don’t think we could live here if we’re both semi-employed.”

brad had moved behind him and whispered in his ear, “they we’ll live on the road, be hermits. i do believe will we succeed nathaniel.”

nate pushed him away and scoffed. 

he really should’ve showered, gone to bed, done something, anything else. it had been a bad day and bad days have a tendency to bring up bad things. and annoying things. and little things that, in the end, enver matter, but in an argument, destroy lives.

instead he got up from the couch and started the argument that would lead to eventual heartbreak.

he doesn’t even remember the entirety of the conversation, little snippets come back every now and then. he does remember constant back and forth between the two of them bringing out everything they’d refused to acknowledge over their years together. and he remembers both of them saying “maybe they were right,” neither willing to admit their friends had a point. 

but it didn’t matter, nothing did. 

because in the end, brad walked out the door and never came back.

so if someone could see me now...let them see you

the tears flowed freely now and nate let them. despite what he’d told everyone, he was not okay. he hasn’t been okay since brad left and though everyone knew it, no one brought it up, brought him up around nate. 

“hey natalie, you shouldn’t leave your door open man. i mean, any shithead could just walk in an-what’s wrong?” ray rushed to floor where nate was curled up and crying.

ray took in the situation and once he saw the paper, the same one he got in the mail three weeks ago, he knew.

“that fucking dumbass. i told him not to send it to you.”

nate sniffled and wiped his eyes furiously, “you knew?! you knew and you didn’t fucking tell me?!”

nate pushed himself off the floor and began pacing.

“nate, calm down okay. yeah i knew. he’s my best friend.”

“and what am i?” nate wished he could be offended, but his and ray’s friendship didn’t even come close to brad and ray’s. 

ray shot him a look of ‘are you fucking kidding me?’ and pushed nate down onto the couch.

“you’re someone who needs to get his shit together. so is he.”

nate just stared at the paper crumpled in his still-shaking hands.

“i hate him.”

ray laughed, “please, nate you couldn’t hate him if you tried.”

and nate just started crying again, remembering the first time he knew he loved brad.

it was my greatest thrill...when we just stood still...you let me hold your hand 'til i had my fill

it was rare that nate’s anxiety caused him to latch onto someone. he often held a tight control of it and managed it pretty well.

it was also rare that brad both initiated and maintained any form of p.d.a.

so it’s why nate was so surprised when they went to his parents for “the dinner,” that brad held his hand the entire night. it was even a tight grip, like brad was nervous too, even though nate knew he was, it was soft and comforting. like brad was telling him, “i’m here. i’m not going anywhere. we’re in this together.” 

and when nate squeezed brad’s hand as he talked to nate’s dad about his motorcycle and brad looked over with a warm smile, nate knew he was in love. 

he knew that brad held the key to making his world or destroying it. 

he knew that if this ended, he’d never be the same.

even counting sheep...don't help me sleep...i just toss and turn right there beside you

after the tears ran dry and his hands stopped shaking, nate just felt numb and hazey. like this was a nightmare that he just hadn’t woke up from yet. 

ray helped him into bed and said he was staying over. nate just turned on his side and stared at the empty spaced brad used to fill.

he couldn’t sleep and though he tried his hardest to keep his mind blank, all that returned were the memories of happier, warmer times when brad was beside him in this bed.

so if someone could help me now...they’d help you too

nate woke, groggy and eyes puffy, to the sound of pans clashing and ray screaming.

and for a split second he almost said, “brad, tell ray to shut the fuck up.”

they everything came running back and he curled back in a ball under his blankets.

he didn’t want to move, talk, or even be awake. he wanted to sleep until the pain stopped.

then he heard ray scream, “listen ballerina it was a shit thing to do!”

and nate shot up in his bed, ray only called one person that nickname. brad.

ray got quiet all of a sudden and nate rushed out of bed and to the door to see if he could hear ray’s side of the conversation.

“i know...that doesn’t give you the right to...yeah just as bad as before...then why are you doing this?...that doesn’t make sense...you fucking idiot...this is a bullshit stunt and you know it...then just come back...why the fuck not?...whatever it’s your funeral...yeah whatever iceman.”

nate leaned forward because ray had gotten quieter and tripped, slamming his head against the door.

“oh shit...yeah bye mom!...yeah...later...yeah that last race was something!...meet me at the coffee place at five...bye.”

nate cursed as he caught small snippets and then opened the door to find ray making pancakes and acting like nothing was going on.

so nate played along, “how’s your mom?”

ray dropped the whisk into the bowl and nate held back a laugh.

“she’s alive. want me to come visit and shit like we’re some kind of family that does that.”

“aren’t you?”

ray laughed, “yeah but she doesn’t have to act like it.”

nate laughed and realized how long it’s been since he’s had any kind of real conversation with any of their...his...their friends. 

he watched as ray poured nearly half a bag of chocolate chips into the pancakes and make a proud stack of them before giving nate some coffee with a warm smile.

god, how long has he wallowed in the break-up? how long has he let his friends lives and their friendships go by because everything about them reminded him of brad. he vowed to have a party soon.

as they settle down to eat, nate grabbed ray’s hand. 

“thank you ray. i’ve missed you.”

ray, in rare form as always, “easy natalie, i’m a taken man.”

nate smiled and laughed as ray spoke up again, “missed you too man.”

they ate and spoke as if the time they were distant with one another didn’t exist. it felt so good that nate hadn’t realized what a shit friend he’d been.

they were at the door and after making plans to hang out the next day nate had to apologize.

“i’m sorry, to you, all of you actually.”

“nate, none of us hold against you. against either of you. though we did kind of warn you dumbasses.”

“yeah, we clearly should’ve listened.” 

 ray spoked seriously, “no, you shouldn’t have.”

and before nate could ask what he meant, the man was in the elevator and headed towards the lobby.

they’d help you too...see you through...all the hard things we've all gotta do

nate spent the better part of that afternoon bracing himself to see brad again.

he knew what coffee shop ray was going to. the only coffee shop in boston brad deemed worthy of his pallette. 

nate smiled fondly before grabbing his “disguise.” his disguise involved sunglasses and a baseball hat that sat low on his head. 

he hoped if he used the side entrance and kept his head behind a book that he would be recognized.

he even wore a different jacket that ray had never seen. 

he’s never been this desperate before, but he just has to know. he has to know whether or not brad is happy. he has to know whether or not his past two years have been the living hell they’ve been for nate. 

obviously not, he’s getting married. nate thinks.

but marriage, especially in the eyes of brad colbert, didn’t even seem to spell out happiness.

nate shakes himself as he walks up to the coffee shop. 

he doesn’t see ray or brad and it’s nearing 5 o’clock. brad was never late to anything in his life. it was a trait that nate found incredibly endearing.

he decides to go in anyway, it was a somewhat large coffee shop and maybe he hadn’t seen them through the window.

he orders his usual and tries to fight off the muscle memory to go to his usual when he notices it’s already taken by brad and ray.

brad back is to him, but it’s enough to make nate’s heart skip a beat.

same hair, same rigid posture, same neck cracking and stretching because brad has a habit of being restless.

nate’s heart aches and he slowly moves to the other counter to pay. 

he watches carefully, slowly moving and waiting for the employee to finish cleaning the table behind them so nate could listen to their conversation. 

he chose to place his back to brad because if he saw brad’s face, he couldn’t be held responsible for whatever he did afterward.

he sat down and slowly took a slip of his coffee as he started listened to their conversation.

“there’s no way you could eat a bottle of ketchup and not throw up.” ray claimed.

nate smiled, god their friendship was on a completely different level. 

“listen here, ray ray, i did it and you can’t prove i didn’t.”

nate let out a small, quiet laugh and nearly broke down at the sound of brad’s voice. 

he felt brad stiffen behind him but ignored it in favor of pulling his book closer to his face.

“fine, you win this one, but don’t think i’m gonna challenge you at your wedding.”

nate dropped the book and nearly spilled his coffee. he cursed but remained still and cool hoping he didn’t blow his cover.

“stop saying it like that.”

“i don’t know how else to say it, except that it’s your wedding.”

brad groaned, “she’s really nice and funny. she’ll give scribe a run for his money and she makes better food that poke.”

nate’s heart had stopped altogether. hearing brad talk about someone else, his fiancé for fuck’s sake, made him want to curl up and die. he used to be the one brad talked about like that. and though it was both their fault, he couldn’t help but feel guilty over starting the fight and angry over brad leaving.

his emotions were so intense and encompassing that he’d forgot to listen to their conversation.

“...it’s not like it matters. you left.” ray sounded defensive.

“he made it clear he didn’t want me there.” 

ray scoffed angrily and nate sat back up.

“that’s bullshit. you’re my best friend, but so is he. you both deserved better than what you did, but you didn’t go back. why?”

brad sighed and nate heard how exhausted brad felt. like he’d already had this conversation a million times and didn’t really feel like having it again.

“he made it clear he didn’t want me. i love him, but i know where i’m not wanted.”

nate’s would definitely have to visit a doctor because his heart was working overload. 

brad said “love” not “loved.” he still love him and, god, nate was smart enough to admit that there wasn’t a day that went by that he didn’t still love brad as much as that day at his parents.

“you’re an idiot is what you are. i told you not to send him the save the date. it destroyed him, brad.”

nate flinched and collapsed, remembering that brad was getting engaged and that unless nate was willing to ruin their relationship to try and gain back his own, the man he loved would be married in six months. 

brad pushed his chair back, like he was gearing up for an argument, but then just leaned forward.

“i needed him to know, ray.”

“why?”

“it’s the only way i’ll see him again.”

“and?”

“to tell him that i’m sorry.”

nate’s heart started pounding.

“sorry for what? that you walked out like an asshole or that you’re getting married like an asshole?”

nate started to wonder why ray kept saying married sarcastically, like it wasn’t real, but they brad slammed his fist on the table.

“stop saying it like that ray. she’s a good girl and it’s not fair to her.”

nate couldn’t handle the rollercoaster of the conversation he wasn’t a part of and his emotions.

if brad still loved him, why was he getting married? why had it taken him so long to come back? why was he telling ray all of this and not him? why? why? why?

“and to apologize for everything,” brad sighed again, this time in defeat, “to apologize for not being enough for him.”

ray groaned like he was about to slap brad and make a scene.

he was still listening, when another customer came up to nate and asked if she could sit at his table because all the others were full.

without thinking, because he was always too polite for his own good, he said at full volume, “yeah go ahead.”

he heard brad gasp and started to turn his chair before nate grabbed his book and told the girl, “i was just leaving anyway.”

he was out the door as fast as his legs could carry him.

he was halfway down the block when he heard something that almost made him stop. almost.

he heard his name come from brad’s mouth. his name never sounded the same whenever else he heard it. when brad said his name, nate always felt like he was saying “i love you.” and even still, it sounded like that. and nate forced himself not to turn around. not to ruin what brad seemed to have cautiously built for himself after nate ruined everything. 

he kept walking, eventually running until he ended up where his mind clearly though he needed to be.

 he walked up the familiar steps and knocked on the worn door.

when the owner opened up the door in shock, nate collapsed.

“i didn’t know where else to go.” he whispered as the other man ushered him inside.

cause this life is long...so you wouldn't be wrong...being free, leaving me on my own

nate pulled his legs to his chest and cried on gunny’s couch like he did the day brad left.

“drink this then let me know when you’re ready to talk.”

nate took the large tumblr and downed whatever alcohol gunny had put in it and stared blankly at the envelope on gunny’s coffee table that was also on the floor of nate’s apartment.

forty-five minutes later nate brokenly whispered, “he’s getting married.”

gunny sighed, “i know. i got the thing in the mail too.”

nate whimpered, “i don’t want him to. i wanted him. i wanted to marry him. and i lost him. he was right to leave. better off without me.”

gunny got up and sat next to nate on the couch and then promptly smacked him upside the head. 

“you both are so fucking stupid, i can’t believe you’re still alive.”

nate rubbed his head and turned to gunny asking him what he was talking about.

“first of all, our warnings weren’t for when or if you two broke up. they were so when you fought or thought of calling it quits, you’d remember why you were together in the first place. second, anyone can see that that boy is just as lost on you as you are on him,” he held up a hand when nate opened his mouth to speak, “regardless if he’s getting married or not. third, why are you here when you could be out there fighting for what you want.”

nate wiped the tears away that weren’t dry on his cheeks and shook his head, “no. i won’t ruin his...their happiness for my own. i’d rather him be happy with someone else than miserable with me.”

gunny sighed, “you love him that much?”

“i love him that much.”

gunny sighed and poured them both another drink, “well, shit.”

if we would try again...just remember when...before we were lovers i swear we were friends

for an entire week, nate managed to dodge and ignore everyone of their friends reaching out to him to make sure he was okay.

it was harder now that it was a conscious effort to ignore them. 

after that week, he pulled himself up, put on a fake happy smile that he hoped looked genuine and for the first time in a eight months, went to poke’s for his monthly barbeque. 

when he walked into the familiar backyard, beer in hand, he didn’t expect the entire group to fall silent.

nate laughed lightly, “i know it been a while, but you assholes act like you’ve seen a ghost.”

the back door slid open and a voice asked, “poke do you have any sprite, mia doesn’t drin-” 

brad’s voice broke off as his gaze finally reached where everyone else was looking.

as the group looked back and forth between the two men, nate knew he had a decision to make. 

he could leave and know that would be the end of it all. he wouldn’t ever talk to or see brad again and eventually drift apart from the rest of them. or he could pretend. pretend that he was okay, pretend that he was happy for brad, and pretend that he didn’t daily feel a stab of longing and love for the man staring at him right now. 

he took a deep breath.

and smiled as he grabbed a beer from the pack in his hand.

“hey brad, congratulations on the engagement!”

the backyard was still silent, but nate ignored it in favor of handing brad a beer and opening his own.

“cheers.” he clinked them together before yelling at ray to close his mouth before anymore bugs flew in it.

the group laughed, albeit a little awkwardly, and the party was back in motion.

nate felt everyone’s eyes on his, especially the ice-blue ones of a certain someone, but ignored it and focused on what everyone had been up to and what he missed. 

he was talking to walt about the book he was still writing when a pretty, young blonde walked behind walt. he knew, he just knew that it was brad’s fiancé. and fuck if that word didn’t want to make nate throw up. he told walt he had to use the bathroom and followed the girl toward the front of the house. he watched as she sat on the front steps and lit a cigarette. 

brad hated cigarette smoke, how could he marry her?

he slowly walked toward her, letting her know he was there and plastered on a fake smile again.

“uh...mia, is it?”

she smiled and blew the smoke to the side of her, taking nate’s hand into her own.

“yes, i’m bradley’s fiancé, and you are?”

nate tried to focus on anything other than the fact that she called him bradley for fuck’s sake, brad hated that.

“uh, nate. fick. i was...uhm...i’m a friend.”

“you’re nate?!”

she immediately stubbed out the cigarette and pulled nate into a hug.

for lack of a better response, he patted the odd girl on the back.

she pulled back and smiled brightly, and yeah, now nate could see the appeal.

“he’s told me everything about you, god i feel like i know you already.”

“everything?” 

she laughed and wiggled her eyebrows, “everything, cowboy.”

nate blushed and smiled, for real this time.

“he always did have a big mouth.”

she laughed loudly, “i’m sure you took advantage of that.”

and nate laughed with her and god it should’ve felt weird. he wanted to hate her, to be able to look at her and know he was better. but so far he felt nothing but an oddly forming kinship. 

“congratulations by the way,” he said trying to bring himself back down to earth.

she shrugged. shrugged. and god if nate could scream he would. you don’t shrug at marrying the man he loves.

“well it was either this or go back home. i’m happy he’s such a good fr-”

“mia i told y-” brad stopped when he saw the two of them together.

“nate.” and god if the surprise in brad’s voice wasn’t enough to kill him, the “i love you” still in his name the way brad said it did.

“hi brad, you’re a lucky guy.”

“i am?”

“yeah, you have this beauty by your side.”

mia did a curtsey with a small laugh.

“yeah, but not by his bedside, you know what i mean?”

she make an odd face and exaggerated her eyebrows again and nate couldn’t help but laugh in utter confusion. 

“no i don’t.”

she look confused and then angry and then furious.

she turned to brad, “you didn’t tell him?!”

brad looked simultaneously scared and annoyed, like he was talking to an older sister rather than his future wife. 

“i-i haven’t had the ti-it isn’t that simple.”

“isn’t tha-listen nate, i’m from canada and my work visa got all fucked to hell and since my girlfriend is gone for the next six months, this dumbass offered to pretend to be engaged to me until she comes back.”

nate just stared at brad who stared at the wood porch under his feet.

mia sighed as though they were insufferable.

“now, i’m going to go use the bathroom and beat trombley at beer pong. the two of you sort this out or i’ll lock you in the garage.”

she left in a jasmine scented flurry of determination and now, for the first time in two years, brad and nate were alone together. 

nate cleared his throat, “she’s kind of in-”

“intense,” brad looked at him and smiled softly, “yeah, i know.”

nate honestly didn’t know what to do. they weren’t getting married. they weren’t dating. mia was gay and waiting on someone else. brad was here and seemingly not going anywhere. and nate was lost.

“so...not getting married?”

and for the love of god, nate hated that that was the first thing he said.

brad laughed, “no, at least not to her.”

nate looked up and found brad much closer than he was before. nate always forgot how quietly brad moved.

nate watched as the man stopped at the last step, sensing the nervousness in nate like he did before...so long ago it seemed.

god nate loved him.

“but you came here,” brad sounded lost, “you came here, even though you thought we were?”

nate nodded, throat closing with emotion. 

“why?” brad was closer, not in his space, still keeping his distance, but nate heard the desperation in brad’s voice nonetheless. 

he sighed shakily and answered honestly, there was nothing and no reason to hide anymore, “i would rather watch you be happy with someone else than not at all. if this was how i could have you in my life,” he looked up and into brad’s eyes, “i’d take it.”

brad took a step closer and nate just watched until the man was right in front of him.

and he waited.

he thought brad was going to hug him or, he dared to dream, kiss him, but what brad did instead, was more moving and remarkable than anything else.

he grabbed nate’s hands and held them. 

the two of them just stood still, holding each other’s hands.

nate eventually whispered, “i’m sorry.”

brad kissed nate’s forehead, “i’m sorry, too. let that be the end of it.”

nate nodded his head.

nate looked up again and found brad’s intense eyes searching his own.

“do you think we could start over?” brad asking, vulnerable and almost pleading.

it broke nate’s heart for brad to even have to ask, like nate hadn’t thought about calling and findingbrad every day for the past two years. like nate hadn’t slept for weeks after brad left. like it wasn’t the end of nate’s world.

“no.” he replied.

brad sunk and went to remove his hands from nate’s but nate held on tight and pulled the taller man back.

“i want to pick up right where we left off. i hear being a hermit in in these days.”

brad laughed happily and pulled nate into hug and lifting him up.

on instinct and muscle memory, nate wrapped his legs around brad.

“still clingy after all this time,” brad murmured against nate’s neck.

nate shrugged, as if he’d ever let brad go again.

“just wait until we get home cowboy, i’ll show how clingy i can be.” nate whispered against brad’s lips before sealing their lips together with a powerful kiss that made everything in the past two years drift away like a faded nightmare.

and ray, tactless and with perfect timing, burst through the front door, “brad your lesbian and trombley are about fist fight, you might wanna get back here.”

and just like that he was back in the house and then burst out again, “oh and good to see you assholes are back, now our bowling league can really take off.”

nate laughed against brad’s chest and relished in the warmth and safety of brad’s arms around him again.

still pressed against walt’s truck, brad kissed nate again, softer and sweeter than any other time nate can remember brad kissing him.

he pulled back and ante slowly opened his eyes to find mischief and joy in brad’s own.

“marry me.”

nate smiled, “i thought you’d never ask.”

nate kissed brad with hot promises of what was to come, but it was interrupted when they both her trombley screaming in pain.

“probably should’ve mentioned mia was a member of JTF2.”

they pulled apart and ran towards the back.

brad’s hand wrapped around nate’s.