#ic ask reply

At that question Shinju blinked and stared at the wall and then the ceiling. Then back at the wall. “Huh.” She breathed softly, as her normally endless stream of thoughts and anxieties came to a grinding halt at this one, unanswerable question. She had no idea. It had been so long since she even conceptualized happiness that she could not picture a single thing that would bring about that word. What even was happy? All she could picture was contentment, and having peaceful, undisturbed sleep. She knew what the word meant, but could not percieve herself using it or existing in it.

“Kami, I hate this question. I don’t even know how to flirt, okay??” She said with a sigh, turning away to gather herself before twisting back around. “For all the fucking around and finding out that I’ve done, I’ve only ever been on one date and it turned out poorly. So I just don’t know!! I don’t even know if I trust myself to say I like anyone that way or that I would. I don’t know how to trust that a feeling of attraction is mine or if I’m just being manipulated by them into feeling that way. I guess to flirt with someone I would hit them or probably be mean to them, just because I don’t know what to do with those sorts of feelings. And after the experiences I’ve had and people who were unwilling to wait and let me figure things out on my own, I never get the chance to understand where it comes from, let alone how I’m going to act about it.”

“No. It wouldn’t change anything.” She said with a shrug. “Certain decisions were made for me very early in my life, by powers too far away for me to reach. Whether I went back in time or not, they would still be made for me, and there would still be times of inevitable failure. If I went back it would just be to relive pain, and once was enough. As for everything that’s happened with my relationships, well, I don’t think that would change either. Maybe the faces would be different, but people stay the same. And I’d still remember, anyway.”

“Well my best subject right now is absolutely punching people in their face. Its like there’s a magnet in my fist and it just draws it right to people’s noses. Soooo weird, right?” She said, pitching her voice into a bubbly and innocent drawl with a smile that looked dangerous in how sweet it was. But then the facade dropped and she deadpanned.

“Only if I think it will be funny, so generally only towards people I actually like. If I don’t like a person or don’t care and I’ve done something they think is ‘wrong’ then I’ll gladly own up to my actions. If someone doesn’t like my actions they can fight me, since personally I don’t think I do things that are ‘wrong’. If I really hurt someone I have good reasons to do it. People can say I’m ‘unhinged’ all they want, but if someone persists in treating me like garbage then they really don’t need to walk anymore. Despite what people think of me, I DO walk away before things get that far. So if someone chases after me to keep it going, they made their bed. As for everything else I do that people complain about, it’s not wrong to be funny when no one actually gets hurt, they’re just little babies about their material possessions and/or a few bruises.”

“Do you really wanna know the answer to that?” She asked with a raised eyebrow. “I can think of one xaela in particular who irritates me every time he shows up.” She said and gave a shrug. “But other than that, you know, the usual. People thinking I’m making bad choices (bar fights are always good choices), bitches who don’t know me but who always got something to say, people who are nice to me but wont tell me what it is that they want, and perfume and cologne that is too strong. Honestly if I can smell someone coming they have pretty solid odds that I will slap them, since why would you do that to me??? You don’t even know me and you think I wanna smell what you spray on your ass??”

“Huh. You know... I don’t think I’ve ever been given the opportunity to think about what I would want from sex. The people I’ve been with always sort of had their own ideas and I just went with what they wanted. I don’t think about sex if I’m not immenently about to have it, or at least if I do it’s because I’m trying to recover from the last time.” She squints at the ground in thought, not seeming particularly wounded or damaged by the words she was saying despite how concerning they might’ve been.

“Don’t be stupid,” she said with a scoff and a flip of her hair over her shoulder. “Of course I love him. He’s somewhere between a brother, a father and a friend to me and he’s one of a handful of people that I would tear down everything for. I guess I just kind of worry that both of us changed in a way that makes it impossible for us to be as close as we used to be. We both grew up and I don’t think it went well for either of us. I think part of him still sees me as a little kid.” She frowned then, suddenly, and slumped.