#ibabble

I know this sounds cliche but I have feelings for my best friend. I know the obvious thing to do to move on is to distance myself from him but it’s hard to do so without telling him why first.

Last year, I’ve already told him I needed space to move on from my feelings and he gave me space but I caved in too quickly and didn’t give myself enough time to adequately move on. I talked to him again only after a week and a half. During the months after that, I tried all ways of self denial to convince myself that I was over him. I kept telling myself I only think of him as a brother.

It’s been over a year and these stupid feelings are still lingering. I can’t tell him how much it hurts to hear him talk about his crushes. I can’t tell him how I keep feeling heartbroken over and over again because of him. I can’t tell him how much he’s been hurting me without even knowing over and over again.

Last week, I was a complete wreck and suggested to him that we should talk less frequently because I felt that our personalities clashed too much as friends and I thought he would get tired of me eventually, partially as an excuse, and after snapping at me for giving up on our friendship so easily, he apologized and said he loves me (like a sister) no matter what and he promised to always be in my life for the rest of our lives. How am I supposed to tell him the real reason after he says something like that?

I can’t tell him the truth. I don’t want to change our friendship dynamic. I don’t want him to feel awkward and then start hiding things from me to spare my feelings. I’d rather know every detail of his love life than be left in the dark.

Plus, I can’t just leave him. He’s too important to me. Last Saturday (the day after I sent him that message), he had a work accident at his cooking job and sliced his finger to the bone (he’s usually very clumsy). After knowing that, it brought me back to reality and I realized that no matter what happens, I can’t lose him in my life and I decided not to tell him the truth about how I felt.

Can you tag this as “ibabble”?

Hey love, 

You know what’s the hardest part about loving someone secretly? You’ll never get the closure you need to fully move on. If you were to tell him your feelings and let him know that you don’t expect anything in return and you wouldn’t want to change your relationship, he can kindly reject you. While things may be awkward at first, if the friendship is important to the both of you, then you’ll learn to come back together as better friends. I know it sucks and it’ll hurt, but I think that’s the only way you’re going to accept that you won’t be more than friends with him. Falling your best friend can either be the worst or the best thing that’ll ever happen in your life and I'm sorry you had to go through this kind of heartbreak. 

I can offer many ways for you to distract yourself from what you feel for him but I don’t think that’s going to be a solution. You can try and date other people and hope that you’ll really fall in love with them and move on from your feelings for your friend. You can focus your energy towards building a strong relationship with your friend and being someone he can trust. Rather than thinking about how much you love him and how much it hurts when he talks about his crushes, focus on providing the support he needs and allow him to be the support you need. Focus on creating a healthy, positive relationship between the two of you as well as with other people in your life. Practice some self-love. Allow yourself to grieve over the heartbreak but eventually learn to accept yourself. Remind yourself that you are worthy and you are loved. Remind yourself that you’ll fall in love again with someone who will love you back just as fervently. Spend time finding yourself. You probably spent a lot of time with this friend and that caused you to correlate a lot of things with him. So try and spend some time with yourself and find some new hobbies. Try to lessen your time alone and spend more time in groups for the time being. It’ll help you focus on the group dynamic rather than your feelings for him. 

Lastly, talk to a friend about this. Talk to someone about what you feel for this guy and talk to them about your struggles. It’ll help a lot to not hold it all in. They can offer you comfort for each time you are hurt. On the path that you’ve chosen, I can’t say how long it’ll take to stop hurting or if it will at all. In my honest opinion, I think it’s best to rip the bandaid off and talk to him about your feelings. Let him know what you feel. Talk about it. You can both mutually agree to remain as friends. That way you have something to lean back on rather than “what if” later on. But that’s my opinion. You can chose as you please. It’ll hurt regardless, but one wound may heal quicker. 

If you want to talk, our box is always open. 

Always by your side,