#iapetides

Iapetides stared in disbelief at this absolute fool who approached him once more, his half-brother, Yaruki.

Where to begin… Everyone knew Yaruki was a battle-hungry lunatic; no one really said it to his face because of his father, but they all knew. So, Iapetides thought, when Yaruki inevitably came and challenged him to a battle—he actually just lunged at Iapetides and started attacking, so this was a very liberal use of the word "challenge"—he would just trounce Yaruki so thoroughly he’d leave him alone. 

Yaruki, in fact, did not leave him alone; actually, after that, he started pestering Iapetides every day. Annoyingly enough, when Iapetides, better known as Bobby by his mother (he was not calling himself that; in what world was Bobby in any way, shape, or form related to Iapetides?), got irritated enough to smack Yaruki away, it seemed to excite him.

They say there is a thin line between hatred and love; it wasn’t hard to believe, honestly. How else would Mother and Cu Chulainn have somewhat of a harmonious marriage? Thankfully, Iapetides did not hate Yaruki; he wasn’t that bad. It was more… disdain or disliking him, nothing as drastic as hate. In fact, outside of sparring, they were pretty good friends, at least considering they were half-siblings; they even followed each other on Gossipmonger. Suffice to say, Iapetides would not hate Yaruki and would therefore not let feelings of hate turn into love.

However, while Iapetides was already snuffing out all future potential seeds of love, Yaruki was trying to create them. Because Yaruki was such a maniac for battle and because Yaruki was his son-in-law via Cearbhall and Tomonaga’s marriage, one would think they weren’t married because, well, they were both male, but Tomonaga was so feminine and he could kinda give birth to children, son of the primordial of creation, that he literally just could’ve been the wife. At least that was Cu Chulainn’s bullshit reasoning as he somehow finessed his way into getting his son a malewife.

But back on topic, Yaruki was so down bad for Iapetides; he follows him around everywhere and sends bad, yearnful haiku every hour or so he’s not in Iapetides’ company. He was so down bad that even Cu Chulainn felt vaguely bad for him, and because Tomonaga taught him a chastity spell, it was wonderful; if anyone even tried to touch his daughters with lewd intentions, their dick fell right off. 

Anyways, Cu Chulainn was grateful enough to allow Tomonaga’s siblings to seek out Saorlaith’s help for wooing their beloved. She was surprisingly good at it, even though she was holding back slurs. He knew; he could feel the potential for bloodshed and violence was strong in her. He was so proud; Saorlaith was following in her daddy’s footsteps. too bad she wasn’t born a warrior goddess…

Oh, he could see her now, unleashing her slurs on Yaruki after he graphically described what he wanted Iapetides to do to him. “-seless piece of shit, the only one who could ever love your ugly mug is your father and mother, but Mother doesn’t count because she’s a saint. The next time you say you want to get pierced, I will pierce you with my father’s spear!” Saorlaith seemed to want to bash his head in with the item she was holding, a book, before realizing the book was infinitely more important than Yaruki, and so she grabbed a chair and started bashing.

Cu Chulainn clutched his chest; his little girl really was following in his footsteps. He always beat the shit out of everyone who pissed him off; he could even feel battle frenzy, Saorlaith’s battle frenzy, in the air.

“Masochistic, your haiku is so bad it’s a miracle you’re a part of the Shinto pantheon and haven’t been kicked out! You’ve been flirting and pining over Iapetides for over a century, and you’re still only friends! He doesn’t even hate you, so there can’t be a hate-becomes-love thing!” Saorlaith let out a sigh of relief and set the banged-up chair back down.

“Thanks for that; it really helped me relieve my frustration. Come by again.” Saorlaith said as she opened a book.

“Wait… But I thought you would help me woo Iapetides…” Yaruki said, a pout on his lips.

“Impossible, he’s cutting off every possible root for romance in the future; you’re getting purposefully friendzoned. No, he’s actually planning out the friend zone and making sure it doesn’t develop into love.” Saorlaith said very bluntly as she leaned back in her chair. “Unless you want to induce artificial love or drug him, then I can help you.”

Yaruki deflates, artificial love? That sounded horrible; it was better to trap Iapetides in a marriage and induce Stockholm syndrome than to create an artificial love. Drugging him though… Iapetides was a good guy; if someone became pregnant because of him, he would definitely take responsibility via marriage, at least Mother said so. Too bad Yaruki couldn’t get pregnant. So keep him pumped with aphrodisiacs.

In Yaruki’s state of deep contemplation, he didn’t hear the sound of Saorlaith’s chanting or her ‘ah-ha,’ but he did hear her proclaim. “He’s actually into you?!” Saorlaith stared at the results of her divination in shock. “I’m actually invested now.”

She spun around to her scrying mirror, reciting. “How will Yaruki make Iapetides fall in love with him? How will Yaruki make Iapetides fall in love with him? How will Yaruki make Iapetides fall in love with him?” 

Saorlaith squints at the image in the mirror. It looked like Yaruki drugged himself and fell into Iapetides's arms; they fucked; Yaruki forgot about it, and seeing Yaruki act like it never happened, Iapetides was irritated enough to spear Yaruki right through, and he saw the rather disturbing, or alluring to him, sight of Yaruki moaning around his spear as it was quite literally stabbed through his torso.