#i'mcrazy

Acting like I'm crazy is #amazing. I just met up with Ophelia's dad, Polonius, and I acted like I didn't even know him. I called him a fish farmer. Ha the look on his face! Then I dropped mad hints I'm nailing his daughter. He also asked me some answers that I gave some fluffy bullshit answers to. All in all being crazy is tons of fun.

You tell me you love me but never act on it. You get all cute and cuddly in public... it just feels like you are trying to make me feel like you want other people to know you are adorable.. I told you “I love you and I also like you a lot” you told me “I love you and I love you” I was drunk but i heard it ringing in my ears when i woke up. I feel like i am just a place holder until you get bored with what ever you are doing now. almost all of these feelings have nothing to do with you and everything to do with my past but I can’t stop from feeling them and it sucks a lot. I love you as my best friend, as my roommate, as my adventure partner. as my life partner right now i like you like a kid likes sugar... its so good and its so tasty but i don’t want to get sick. You tell me you had sex with him and 60% of my brain thinks that is fucking hot.. 40% of my brain says fuck you why am i not good enough. you say you don’t want to use me and you want to make sure it means something but i don’t think i care. this isn’t some “ she was my first so i want her to be my only” this is “ i’m so comfortable with you and i love when you bite me”. No one is perfect and i don’t expect that of you but i wish i could be in your head so i could figure out what you are thinking... I love you and i wish that was enough for you. I feel like i am a safety blanket. kept around because i am not what other people want so why would i try and find something else. i am clingy and annoying and not that great to look at.. but you say you love me and want me around and you think im beautiful. how am i not supposed to fall for that. but when you told me... i wanted to punch you because thats what it felt like. like my heart got punched  like there is cotton balls in my throat. like i was waiting for you to come home from your boyfriends. I don’t want to be a second choice. i feel like thats all i ever am in life. and i don’t want to be that with you. i believe you when you say you want to try.. but try looking at it from my perspective. you laid in my bed complaining about your boyfriend. the first day we hung out together you told me you wish you could be with someone like me. you start talking to people he made you push out of your life. you seem soo much happier when you are with them. I always seem to get pushed to the back in peoples lives so thats what i imagine is happening. I want you to have fun.. i just with i could make it make sense in my head. i dont want it to be confusing becasue i am telling you to go do it then sitting here crying because you did.. i just don’t know how to feel anymore... I don’t want to be a secret and i don’t want to feel like second best but i don’t know how to make myself stop feeling like that. i just feel unlovable.. unwanted.. i feel like trash. i am usable and that means that i am able to be thrown away. and i don’t want you to throw me away. all of this isnt how i want to feel. i want to be okay with everything that is happening because i will wait for you because i think it would be doing the world a great injustice to not give it a try... i have never felt like i could connect with someone so well. you make the bad days feel like they are possible to get through. but when you tell me you want to hang out with him.. i want to slap you... you put on something sexy to try and get your ex to notice you.. i feel like thats all i am ever doing. just trying to get someone to notice me.. im not much to look at and im not always fun to be around.. but i want to show someone how much life has to offer them............... 

Me: Gosh dam it!

I think I have started to fall for the girl that I have been talking to through text. I am going to call her Dream, as she is a dream to talk to and I love hearing about her. It seems as though there is just some connection that can't be explained. I don't think I was expecting to feel this way about someone so quick. But it just kind of happened. I feel like I have a high school crush on her at the moment. There has been a lot of flirting and even more great conversations. She seems to be someone that I wait with bated breath to hear from. When I don't hear from Dream for awhile it starts to drive me crazy. Call me crazy but I think I am falling hard for her. I have gotten all of these feelings just through texts as Dream is in another state. Not sure where this adventure will go, but it will be an interesting adventure for sure. My wife seems to be having fun talking to a new girl. She seems very excited for it all. It makes me so happy to see her like this!

That you have gotten more followers in one night due to Eurovision then you have in the last 6 months xD