#i'm still just...processing it all

Ideally and most likely it the tumor is benign, per both the radiologist that saw it on the CT scan. The tumor is pretty dang small (like in the "mm" or "millimeter" phase), but...still big enough (and apparently been there long enough) to now give me seizures.

Hence why I added the "cancer" tag to this post just in case.

I had my first-ever seizure in my life on Aug. 10th, when I was severely fatigued (likely secondary, I think, to new birth control not working on preventing my possibly-has-a-fibroid-ass-from-severe-blood-loss) and trying to gather up the Imaginary Energy to brush my teeth and get my ass in the shower...

I turned around after telling my mom I was going to practice personal hygiene...and the next thing I knew, I was on the floor, head thankfully-cushioned by my clothes in my bottom dresser drawer and rest of my body cushioned by my bedroom cushion. When my mother asked what in the world I was doing on the floor, apparently I answered in a disoriented voice, "I'm getting on the bus."

This was about about 30 minutes after I told her I was going to take a shower. I have no recollection of those 30 minutes to this day.

I know I had bit the holy hell out of the left side of my tongue. It took almost 2 weeks for it to fully heal and for me to feel comfortable eating/chewing and talking.

Went to the ER. No CT scan, no MRI, no EEG, but a frontal and lateral x-ray that showed nothing abnormal. Got a referral to a neurologist, who we'll call a sweetie Dr. M. In the meantime, that ER doctor at the time strongly advised me against any kind of my favorite exercising (I power walk; weight lift; and swim).

Also no driving.

I got to see my sweetie Dr. M earlier this month, who cautioned me that I can do all of the above with slow carefulness...except driving for 6 months.

Yeah. No driving for 6 months. Or at least not until my scheduled MRI and EEG.

Well.

Had my 2nd-ever seizure in my life this Tuesday (Sept. 16th), at about 5am, while trying to have a bowl of cereal and watch some Hello Kitty before work.

Fucking spilled cereal all over the place...ended up on the floor again. This time my mother caught me convulsing and eyes unfocused and more convulsing.

Oh, and a chocolate donut. I spilled a chocolate donut, too.

I woke up to very kind, very concerned EMS people asking me if I knew Who That Woman Was and if I knew Where I Was.

It took me more than a minute and a few blinks and jerks, but I correctly deduced that that was my mother and I was in my bedroom...with spilled cereal all over the floor.

By the time I was back A&O x4 ("alert and oriented x4 ways) and I was in the back of the ambulance with the kind White Dude that was fascinated by all the decor of my bedroom and asked me who my favorite Marvel character was.

I told him Spiderman-both Peter Parker and Miles Morales. He said that made sense, though that "blended differently" with all my Hello Kitty.

I had blood on my lip and chin from how hard I bit both my lip and tongue during my 2nd seizure.

A lot of it.

A lot more blood than last time, but a bit less pain than last time.

We got to the ER, and it wasn't too crowded. Still, we stayed there from 6am to almost 5-godddamn-pm. I had an exam done from the same ER doctor and a new ER doctor that was much kinder/had a better bedside manner. He rubbed my shoulders, tucked a warm blanket over me, and showed me a picture of his dogs.

My neurologist, Dr. M, came down to visit me with a smile. My EEG tech was super-duper-duper kind and reiterated to me and my mother over and over and over again to be neither afraid nor ashamed of epilepsy. The CT scan techs told me I did a great job staying still, especially since I'd already had an MRI last week (Long story short...I openly told Dr. M that I'd be ecstatic if I could just not have another MRI again until I'm 80-years-old. Minimum). He laughed and understood. Reassured me again not to be ashamed, isolated, and/or terrified of epilepsy.

I was given Tylenol for my throbbing left-sided headache and Zofran for my leftover nausea. I was discharged with a long "L" word medication that I now take every 12hrs (I chose 9am and 9pm) and it prevents me from seizing again. Now, even to this day, I'm still working on getting my appetite up (it doesn't help that most foods irritate the living hell out of the open sores on the left side of my tongue).

The next day, I think, after we finally got home...my phone was blown up by the hospital's ENT office.

They're the ones that are concerned with the mass on one of my temporal lobes. They want to see if it's the reason for my hearing disability (I told the sweet, kind lady that I've already seen an ENT and I already bought fucking hearing aids). That doctor wants me to have another hearing test because it has to be within 6 months (my last one was about...2 years ago, if I remember well) and from there, she wants to see if she and I consent to surgery for that mass on my temporal lobe.

The sweet front-desk lady that blew up my phone, Ms. K, reassured me that this doctor would not do surgery on me unless absolutely necessary and I absolutely consented.

Now ideally if these seizures and my hearing disability are because of that mass/tumor...then that also means that I haven't randomly, rarely developed epilepsy at the quite-advanced-age of 33.

But I still potentially have some kind of cancer.

And this is all a week before my goddamned birthday (Wed., Sept 24th).

My boss and my dearest resident neurologist are still livid that I wasn't given a CT scan beforehand...my boss thought I should've been had one in my childhood since, well, I've been disabled since childhood. And my friend thought I should've had one ever since I was a healthy 33-year-old that suddenly fell and bit her tongue super-duper hard.

My boss, in the meantime, is insistent that I get FMLA paperwork filled out. My resident neurologist friend begs me to keep her updated.

I have asked both my fav ER doctor; my new neurologist; and my primary care doctor (PCP) for a new brain or, at least, to take my current brain out and bang it on the table unless and until it starts to behave.

They all said in varying ways that 1.) I would not actually like that, 2.) that's actually quite dangerous and, 3.) that wouldn't actually create the result I want.

Again, it is highly likely that the mass/tumor is benign. But...it is still something to be looked at, and possibly operated on.

I probably forgot some things. Maybe quite a few things.

Maybe I'll add more later.

I'm...hopeful, but mainly tired.