#i'm imploding

I touched my tablet for the first time in ages yesterday because if it's not that, it's my computer closing shit randomly. And my ipad is being funny. I can't seem to get a break.

This year just kinda kept kicking me when I'm down. With losing my job in February, being unemployed for months, getting a temp job and feeling hopeful - only for my mom to die a month later.

I... have handled her death fine, but my sister has not, and she has made it EVERYONE'S problem. So it's been hard to deal with. You can't talk to her without her bringing it up unprompted/unrelated, and she won't go to therapy and refuses to acknowledge that her grief is fueled by guilt :) She also just... I don't wanna get into all of it but she's created false memories and is doing a lot of victimhood like she's the only one who lost a mother. Just because I'm not crying every waking moment. She thinks she's going to die of a broken heart, from our mother she blew off CONSTANTLY. It sets my teeth on edge like a rabid dog come to heel.

I've been dealing with imposter syndrome about my art, terrified what if I do the art and it's not worth the now YEAR LATER WAIT OH MY FUCKING GOD DUDE... I'm scared to draw anymore and I don't understand where that came from. I'm afraid of disappointing everyone and especially those who paid me for art...

I haven't had very much energy to take care of myself, let alone my home and hobbies much this year. I was doing good at my job, but there would be weeks I got sent home early because of lack of workload... and I'd start spiraling and looking for new work - just in case. I lost out on OVER $1000 in wages one month and was thankful I had my savings to get by on rent and stuff. Fuck. I've never been in such a bad position - my family is full of people who don't plan, to the point I over plan so it's been terrifying.

But I stuck it out and I'm being hired by the company, officially swapping over in January - so no more fear about my JOB. I have a secure job! With insurance!! And benefits!! So many benefits. First full on job I've had since I quit Michael's 5 years ago or whatever. Fuck contract work, man....

So I'm sorry I've been gone, I'm sorry I'm one of those commissioners I guess at the moment. I care. I appreciate stuff. I just have not been doing too hot this year and have been mentally burnt the fuck out. Aimless. Lost. Depressed. Dealing with wondering if I do in fact have ADHD...

The job thing is taking a lot of stress off me so hopefully that decompresses my brain enough to actually work on art, and I'm making a point to look into seeing someone to diagnose what kind of soup I have in my brain because I'm struggling to FOCUS anymore. I start panicking about I should be cleaning instead of worrying about x, y, z... I haven't been doing great. I'm developing issues with sharing my space with someone because I feel like a live wire. It's all me, not her.

I'm a fucking mess I'm so sorry. I feel so fucking bad all the time. And it's like I can't do anything about it. I even stopped posting mostly on here because I've been trying to get my shit together and just feeling like I'm not.

And most people have been understanding like hahahahaha yeah your cat had three fucking surgeries, your mom died and you lost your job - that alone is depression city and makes sense. But my brain is just YEAH BUT YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN ABLE TO MOVE PAST THAT AND DO COMMISSIONS YOU LAZY PIECE OF SHIT!!! PEOPLE PAID YOU!!!!

Which just compounds it all!!!

I'm fucking trying I'm so sorry. I am doing some self focus from now until the beginning of the year and I'm figuring out tangible deadlines for myself and getting shit taken care of. I love you all, I hope you've been well and the holidays have been mostly unstressful.

Mine were so fucking stressful lmfao but I lived. My cat is doing okay, my dad is doing okay and I have a job and insurance next year so.... fucking god bless that at least.

I've been making art plans for next year and what I want to accomplish and hopefully that motivates me... I miss loving my work and not feeling stress about it. My health and family shit fucked me so hard this year. And having my office off limits because I had to quarantine a cat who LIKES TO JUMP ON MY DESK AND REINJURE HIMSELF.... FUCK.