I actually need to vent instead of treating this like some kind of regular blog. I feel trapped and unheard even though I have this thing to let it all out. Even though no one reads my posts or actually know who I am, I still feel like I might be exposing myself.
My family's been treating social media like a place where everyone hates me, even when I don't really have a relationship with anyone here or anyone interacts with my posts. I feel like everyone actually IS close to blocking me or tell me to kill myself (it's not like that would affect me much, but yeah.)
I feel even worse at the thought of one of my mutuals recognizing me and feeling like I'm a weirdo, before just blocking my main account. I haven't even revealed much about myself, neither here nor in my main account! I don't even know what I'm worried about. No one actually cares about me. No one would unless I posted worrying things, and, EVEN IF I DID, I'm sure it wouldn't be important for anyone but one person.
I have no personality, I'm not charismatic at all, I don't have a good sense of humor (neither irl nor online), I suck at comforting people, etc. There's no reason for anyone to stick around my account at all, I'm not special in anything. There's some people I follow who understands a lot, and that are really kind people. I love them for that.
But me? Pfft. There's nothing in me that people couldn't find in someone else. They already have people supporting them, they have friends who are better in every sense.
But why am I worrying? No one will give a crap. If they get to know me, they would get away, would block every of my accounts and would try to get away from me.
I not only have no personality, but I also have serious mood swings, SERIOUSLY. I could be ignoring them only because my feelings towards them changed all of a sudden, but then I would feel extremely attached to them again.
I hate myself for that. I can't control it and I hate it.
My mom told me not to have children or friends at all, that “why would I want to make someone suffer that way?" Yeah THANKS FOR MAKING ME FEEL WORSE. THAT'S WHY YOU WERE TOLD TO ABORT ME. THAT WOULD'VE BEEN BETTER THAN BEING COMPLETELY UNSTABLE BECAUSE OF YOU.
NO ONE IN MY FAMILY TREATED ME LIKE A HUMAN CHILD WITH EMOTIONS WHEN I WAS YOUNGER, AND YET THEY'RE THE ONES TELLING ME TO NOT HAVE ANY HUMAN CONTACT BECAUSE I'D TREAT THEM LIKE SHIT?
Holy shit I just hate this. I really want to express my love to someone, a partner or a friend whatever, but I CAN'T. I'm extremely unstable and they wouldn't like it.
My little brother exists tho...
I can't give up. Not NOW (It's not like I was giving up anytime soon, but I also just want to let myself rot in bed and stuff.), I can't do that to him.
I cannot kill myself. I don't want my family to tell him something like "you used to have another sibling but they killed themselves when you were a baby."
I DON'T WANT THAT. But I also can't let myself be the way I am now when he's older. I don't want him to see me like that. At all. I want him to have a better life, I want to encourage him during his infancy, to let him know that there's someone who will understand him in the future.
I know my family will only feed his brain with harmful things. I don't want that for him.
I'm staying here because I don't like the idea of giving up. I want to live, but not like this.
It will get better, but only when I finally get to get away from the thing that's harming me.
