Me all day because I cannot sleep during the night

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Me all day because I cannot sleep during the night

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me siento real todo el tiempo. estoy aquÃ, con este cuerpo, con esta forma concreta de pensar, con mis gustos, mis manÃas, mi manera de hablar y de mirar las cosas. sé que soy yo. no vivo fuera del mundo ni disuelta en nada extraño.
lo raro no es existir, lo raro es que exista mañana.
cuando era más pequeña tenÃa claro que no iba a llegar lejos. no como una amenaza, sino como se saben las cosas que no se discuten. hasta aquÃ, pensaba. y ahora que estoy en la edad donde todo debÃa acabarse, sigo aquÃ.
no estoy asustada. tampoco triste. hay dÃas en los que simplemente pienso que mañana podrÃa no existir y la idea cae en mà sin ruido.
me siento real, me siento muy real. siento mi peso cuando me siento, mi cansancio, mis ganas de cosas pequeñas, mi forma de estar con los demás. pero hay algo que no engancha del todo.
paso demasiado tiempo en mi cabeza. ahà todo es más ligero, menos definitivo. el presente pesa más cuando lo miro de frente. aún asÃ, no me he ido a ningún sitio.
For my birthday I want to disappear forever.
why does nobody fucking like me irl OR online what am i doing wrong

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Sooo small problem. The person who bid the highest on my charity auction for the cat rescue person is an absolute rabid trump fan who calls him ‘daddy’ and posts a lot of really horrible shit. I am 100% not doing artwork for that kind of person, never mind mailing them something and letting them know my address. But they also, apparently, have been a long term fan of Meemaw and the cat rescue so the rescue people are tagging them letting them know the auction ended and stuff and I’ve already blocked that person everywhere because it was that bad when I looked at their profile.
So uh. I don’t know what to do now other than fucking scream.
I am seriously considering quitting everything and just spending my days reading philosophy, writing poetry, listening to music and painting on the walls until I die of starvation…
For who’s who care, this is me venting:
I think he hates me,
He didn’t hang out with me today,
We made a plan! He said that we were going to draw together, I was so excited,
I painted my nails red just like he suggested, I even dress fancy because I thought I was going to see him!
But no, he went with his other friends instead,
He must’ve know what he was doing, I’m such an idiot,
Waving at me doesn’t heal the damage you done,
I cried today, I cried because of you,
Because you promised we would hang out just to not show up,
I couldn’t help it, I cried like crazy,
How was I so stupid to think I meant something to you?
I had to, I had to cut myself,
I didn’t know what else to do,
I hope you’re happy,
You’ve ruined my life,
I should hate you, but I can’t help but feel entitle to you,
I hate this, I hate everything,
Yet I still love you