#hydroxise 03.

With breakfast I have one green and yellow fluoxetine capsule and two tiny white discs of perphenazine. Perphenazine is a typical medium-strength antipsychotic, roughly ten times as potent as chlorpromazine. It has no antidepressive effects, which explains the fluoxetine. Perphenazine in high doses can cause temporary dyskinesia.

This is why I’m shaking all the time.

The last time you saw me I was a fucking mess. I guess not much has changed.

I took my pills this morning. I remember this because I was looking at Henry while I did it. Henry is labouring under the illusion that he is an android and spends most of the day saying yes and no in a flat monotone and staring unblinkingly at people until they cut their losses. But this morning halfway through eating his porridge he picked up his bowl and threw it across the room. I wonder sometimes why I don’t have the robot delusion. I wish I had the robot delusion.

In this place everybody has their own bathroom because they are afraid that if we shared we would all start fucking each other or smashing mirrors and stabbing each other. My room is a cuboid, seven feet by fifteen. I have a view of the yard that I’m not allowed out to walk around in yet. I have to be level four for yard privileges.

My point is: for the last forever I’ve been alone in a bathroom. Tyler notwithstanding, this is weird. I took my pills this morning. Somehow Tyler is pressing through, an intrusion, a pain that borders on physical. Because I can feel him looking at it, I rub the blistery lump on my cheek, keloid-thick and heavy even in the inside of my mouth like a gobstopper.

“What the fuck are you doing here?”

Don’t overthink the speech marks. I don’t know why they’re here either.

My head is on a constant jerking roll like I’m on repeat. This is cliché, but like a broken record.

“You’re supposed to be gone. I’m in remission.”