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Unexpected moment of temporary relief: Still having violent dysphoria re: chest and crotch, but... Was getting us into a shower and looked at the WHOLE BODY's silhouette in the mirror for the first time in forever and just thought: "...Yeah, that's a man."
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Was relistening to one of my favorite Everything Everything B-Sides now that it has a worldwide release, and
"I'm thinking 'bout the relative ways that all I do is age. And buried, there's a version of me hurting, and I'm letting him down! I wanna go, I wanna go home; I can't let this one go. I'm thinking 'bout my problems and the way that they will never be solved."
Did they like... Tap into my feelings about being a fictive in a world that is essentially Mine But Slightly To The Left to write this song or something.
Better after crying it out. Been bottling the tears up all month for various reasons (cocktail of meds, testosterone side effects, repression of emotions) but they're gone now.
Should stabilize from here- it's just been really hard to open up because the ideation was being caused by intrusive thoughts calling me things related to my boyfriend's trauma, and telling people about it would mean sharing my boyfriend's trauma without his permission.
You all keep talking about how words have power but you won't even use your words to save the people you fucking follow.
What? What will make people care about me? Will it finally kick in when I'm a fucking corpse? A dark beast slain by my own hands? Too little, too late.
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No one fucking cares until you're dead, dying, or about to be dying, by the way. At least, not if you're me.
So frustrated with trying to figure out how to keep my plants safe from Dionysus and keep them alive that I'm just considering giving up on having plants entirely. I got them because I wasn't ready to care for an animal but wanted SOME responsibility, but... idk. It breaks my heart to think of giving up on one of my few non-creative hobbies, though. Especially working with plants, because it connects me back to my days at the shop in source. Fuck.
MR. PRESIDENT, A THIRD TAKEHITO KOYASU AND TOMOKAZU SEKI DUET HAS HIT THE KONEKOSYS
FUCK YOUR JOJOS, FUCK YOUR INITIAL DS, THIS IS RANKEN TERRITORY NOW
