#hya says.

until they become equal and cute.

No, not even the anyone-can-die-any-second fragile. It's how life can go down from the stars to hells as deep as Tartarus in a millisecond. I almost lost a great friend because of a joke I had the mistake to make. I almost ruined a friendship and maybe a relationship because of a text I sent without thinking it thoroughly. I almost shuttted my boyfriend out because I can't think straight anymore. And it all happened just this morning. One joke, one text, one careless decision could have made my life crumble to dust. And that's just scary. Losing it all. Losing the people I live for. If it ever happens, I might as well be dead.

It's the falling. It's that force pulling you from your comfortable life to a life with complications. It's passing through the clouds and how much you wish to touch and hold on to them because you don't want to fall any deeper but you just can't go against gravity and its laws. It's being in the air, the air wrapping you but you can't breathe it in because you're falling too fast. It's when you're afraid because you actually like the thrill. It's knowing you won't have control once you step out of the edge but you did anyway. And you don't know, no one knows how it will end, how you will land, where you will land. But you can't get scared during the ending because you know it will not happen again. You get scared during the falling because everything, anything can happen.

I want to say things before they disappear from my thoughts and tongue. I want to be direct. Because sometimes, what good is a metaphor if the message is vague and miscomprehended? What good is a deeper meaning when the reader can't reach down to it? I want to be understood. I don't want to be blindingly adored.

but I can't. Because it would feel like lying. The word has been used and overused, I'm not sure if it is still worthy of what I feel for you. You're special and I'd tell you I miss you the moment I let go of your hand. I'd tell you thank you randomly and I wouldn't tell you why because it's you I'm thanking for. I'd tell you shut up when you're singing loudly, or I'd just shut you up with my lips (hihihi). I'd tell you I'm sorry and I'd get annoyed when you tell me you also are because there is nothing seriously wrong you could ever do. I'd tell you corny jokes and please laugh because that's all I want to hear. I'd try to tell you sweet things, I promise I'll try. I'd tell you my secrets because I trust you that much. And I'd tell you I miss you again. i'd tell you I miss you I miss you I miss you, so you'd know I'm always thinking of you. Or I could say nothing and just smile. But please know that it's because of you. My smiles are now all because of you.

the expectations of the society or the hormones in my body. It's not even the snacks he insistently buys me after class or the AutoLoadMAX texts I suddenly receive when my unli expires in the middle of a conversation. It's the attention he gives and the butterflies I feel. It's the long walks going just about anywhere and arriving there with him. It's the late night conversations and the 'good night' that hums me to sleep. It's holding my hand under the table like it's our little secret. It's the uncertainty of this and the risk that I'm willing to take. It's giving me the inspiration to finally write something that I'm willing to read over and over even if I'm not sure of what I'd feel about it in the future. It's about him and the way this all feels right at the moment.