#huntie

Day 114:

Day 112:

Day 88:

At this time last year I was still driving 2 and half hours to and from your room because I had nowhere else to live and you were the only thing certain in my life. 

I had this specific playlist that I would listen to because I was so happy from spending the weekend or whenever with you, and I’d imagine our future together and the drive would fly by and as soon as my work day ended, I’d be ready to drive back to you. 

We spent so many moments at the beach, I started associating you with the waves and the sand and it only made me love my favorite place in the world more than I already did. 

Day 74:

You never occupied the space around me but somehow you still manage to make me feel like I’m suffocating in my own life.

It feels so strange to not belong to you although others have tried to claim my body as theirs, and the thought of you with someone else makes me insane.

Why do you still feel so familiar? I can still picture your face first thing in the morning, and I can still relate to the anticipation of seeing you after a weekend apart and I still miss driving your tiny car and the pride of being yours hasn’t faded away. Even though it no longer applies.

Day 14:

It still seems strange to me that from one second to the next, you ceased to be mine.

And the world just continued.

No textonic plates shifted, no volcano erupted, no cosmic explosion or anything of that sort.

My life just kept going but in that second, everything changed.

And I can’t call you anymore to tell you about my day, and I can’t tell you about the things I’m excited about, and I can’t ask you if you’ve ate today, and I can’t look forward to having you in my bed.

Your life is no longer my business and that’s the strangest thing of all. I wonder what you’re doing at the oddest times of the day. And I do my best to keep myself busy but I still can’t help but feel mad, angry, upset, hurt, betrayed by you.

I haven’t come to terms with it yet and I’m telling myself that it’s okay. I find myself talking about you as if you were still in my life and daydreaming of a day with you in it.

Day 2:

Loving you was exhausting. Loving you is exhausting

I have to keep reminding myself that you didn't think I was trustworthy; that you didn’t think I was anything worthy really and that all this time must have been just one huge waste. 

I have to keep reminding myself that we disagreed on too many things and had different plans on too many accounts and that being on my own is empowering and that the good thing about being apart 80% of the year was that there’s no traces of you in the places around me but if that’s the case then tell me why my chest feels like it’s trapped under a cement block and when I think of your name or your eyes or the way your laugh lit up the emptiness around me I can’t breathe and the sky can’t seem to stay still and going out at night doesn’t seem appealing if I don't have you to FaceTime when I come home and oh my god doesn’t that sound like the most pathetic thing ever.

I can’t be who you want me to be and I can’t shrink myself to fit your idea of what love is and I can’t change the fact that I’m in love with you but I can keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep hoping that with the days that pass, I’ll slowly start forgetting all the moments we had together.