#hunktown

Guess what, Hunktown? That mustache of yours that keeps catching the head of that really dark, manly beer you're drinking? It caught my eyes, too. Both of them. And pardon me for being forward, but could you unbutton your shirt just a little more? Because I need to know what's happening in there.

Ladies, the days of Jonathan Taylor Beiber are behind us. It's time to grow up and support the growth of hair. Chest hair. Facial hair. Back hair. Toe hair. It's a sign of masculinity, dude.

And fellas, can I take some weight off your wonderfully barbaric chests? You don’t have to get that barbed wire tattoo around your arm anymore. Just grow some damn hair and voila! Masculinity proven.    

At least, that's what lions do. They grow out manes. Manes that intimidate other tinier lions and captivate all the feline lions. Felions.

Don't you remember when Nala fell in love with Simba? He was all cute and cuddly and adorbs in the beginning, but they didn't spell out S-E-X in the stars until she saw that mane of his.

It's the same for women in the present day. You can be cute when you're sick and and you're talking all nasally while you're curled up in that blanket and I make you chicken noodle soup. But besides that singular moment of a single day, you're not cute. You're a man. And men need manes.

Or take another cinematic masterpiece for example – Beauty and the Beast. Belle couldn’t help but fall in love with that hairy, beastly god. Similarly, like any ovary-endowed human, I can’t help falling in love with flannel-wearing grizzly bears either. But then the beast turned into a clean-shaven prince and we were all like, Oh okay, this is how the fairy tale goes. I guess this is cool.

But once the sequel came out, BAM. She was done with him. Well, of course. She fell in love with a beast, not a hairless kitten.

In conclusion, sometimes we just want the world to know that, yep, we just made out with a MAN. How do they know? Because we have a rash on our face. From an allergic reaction? Nay, world. From a man’s facial hair. (You can also rub sandpaper around your mouth for the same effect, but who wants to win a trophy without enjoying the game first?)