Sundays do seem dismal, the words are spilling out of my mouth like forced bile. I dont want to speak today, for I feel like today are the days the earthly plane barely exists. Only the visual reality feels real, the feels dont feel real. I have an ache in my stomach. An ache of metaphysical and moral emptiness, because I fell back into the pit of temptaion, further away from my temples goal. I feel like sleeping rather than facing my top duties. But what happens when im tired of sleeping? Moments like these when I remember why I have no permenant lover yet. I have no stable life yet. I have nothing really. Yet. Because I am all dependant on my mother and the others around me. To survive. Humans will always find something to complain about. Humans will always find something to be happy about. I wish these were thoughts I thought at the age of ten. Because oh how developed id be by now...to be honest I just want to become more developed this life. Im highly developed now. Just not as developed as I wish for. But ill probably never be as developed as I ask. God bids so much that I dont expect to link up to be okay, but no matter what everything will be okay, even if I die. because that's the door to the unknown we all beg at our rough knees to see and open. The unknown. But nonetheless everything will always someday be okay. I say that without the holding thought that beyond this time and space may not exist. For all I know....i dont know. Anything is possible and 'could be' happening or happen in the future. I want my visions to be more clear than before. But sometimes I think maybe god blocks those dreams from which foretold things because they were never of his divine entity. I don't really know what to call his being...'life' ? I don't know, im going to read more. And lean off these gas lighting thoughts. These self-conflicting, self-worrying thoughts. Too bad im only human and my thought process will never pass such as this concept. My human aura, my human brain and heart isn't enough to contain the energy love and knowledge I often question.