#human!bert

Bert sighed as he fumbled with his keys, struggling slightly to open his front door.  It had been a very, very long day for him and he was looking forward to pulling a “Stretch” and catching a much-needed nap.  

It had been more than a few months since Bert had managed to free the monsters of UnderSwap, leading them to the Surface world.  For the most part, the majority of the monsters were settling in nicely with the other humans.  Alphonse, the Captain of the Royal Guard, was working with the army to help train soldiers of all shapes and sizes.  Thomas and Amanda were working towards opening a school for gifted monsters and slowly figuring out what their dynamic was.  Urnado was working with other scientists on various projects, helping to make the world a better place.  Everyone was slowly finding their niche in this new world.

Heck, even the skeleton sisters were adapting to this new world.

Finally fumbling the door to his little condo open, Bert stepped in to see (his little soul giving a little jump at the sight) the eldest skeleton sister stretched across the couch.  She looked rather comfortable and asleep.  Just like how he wanted to be.  Soon, he tried to soothe his tired bones, soon he too will be asleep.

But he knew that wasn’t the only thing that he wanted.

He hated working double shifts at the local hospital but the money was good… and the money was needed.  Stretch and Blo had only found part-time jobs, nothing that would be enough to live on their own, so Bert had invited them to live with him. They had opened their house to him in UnderSwap, it was only fair that he did the same.  Perhaps if he was being truly honest with himself, he would admit that that wasn’t the only reason why he had invited them to live with him.

Quietly he closed and locked the door behind him, shucking off his shoes at the door.

“did you have a good shift?”

Bert jumped at her voice, her warm tone sending shivers down his spine.  He looked back at the couch.  Stretch was peeking at him through half-lidded eyes, giving him a warm smile. “It was alright.  Very busy.  Cough and cold season seem to be hitting us early this year.” Bert told her, slipping off his jacket, exposing his scrubs under it.

Stretch chuckled before sitting up and walking over to him, taking the jacket from him and hanging it up into the nearby closet. Bert couldn’t help but notice how her ecto-body moved with every easy step. The sweater she wore did nothing to hide her curves. “well I’m glad that you made it home safe.” She said to him as Bert chided himself for being a pervert. Stretch was a friend, nothing more.

Not that he wouldn’t mind.  As odd as it was, he found himself rather attracted to the skeleton. She was funny, witty, kind, an exotic form of beautiful…. The list went on and on.  Anyone would be lucky to date her and she caught many an eye – human and monster alike.

Bert, on the other hand, was just plain old Bert.

“I am too,” Bert replied quickly, realizing that he hadn’t answered her.  He had to get his mind back on track. “Sorry Stretch.  I’m a little tired right now.  Not really all there.”

“I’m not surprised.  you helped so many people today and were on your feet for so long.  I don’t know how you do it.  come on with me and have your shower.  Blo was given a few new soap samples from that bath shop that she got an interview at.  I think that it would suit you.  I’ll even wash your back for you.”

With a nervous laugh, Bert allowed Stretch to lead him into his bathroom and start to prepare the shower for him.  “New soaps?  I’ll have to thank Blo.  Where is she by the way?”

Stretch didn’t even turn around.  “she’s out with Alphonse and Urando tonight.  they found an anime that they hadn’t seen before and wanted to have a marathon.” Stretch turned around to face him, a playful blush on her cheekbones.  “it’s just you and I tonight, big boy.” She purred.

“Really?  Well, that is unusual.  A good unusual mind you,” turning his back to Stretch he pulled the scrub top over his head, being careful not to touch it more than necessary.  It had been a messy and long shift.  “We should be naughty tonight.”

Thin, boney fingers gently pulled his undershirt from his bottoms. “oh really?  tell me, how exactly should we be naughty?”

“Well with Blo gone for the night we could order pizza to be delivered and have that for supper.  Thick crust, extra pepperoni and grease, the whole nine yards.  And I could use a beer or two.” Bert was thankful he had the next day off. Alcohol always made him tired.

The fingers pulled away.  “well, yes I suppose we could.”

“Certainty saves one or the both of us from cooking,” Bert chuckled.  “I’m going to jump into the shower real quick.  If you call the pizza place, I’ll be out before they arrive.”

“aw.  I was going to wash your back for you though.  anything that would help you to relax.” Bert’s horny imagination added a sweet lift to her voice, almost making it sound like Stretch was pouting.

Bert chuckled.  “I got my back, thanks. If you order the pizza that would be plenty of help.”

Stretch sighed and rolled her eye lights before leaving the bathroom, already tapping away on her phone.  Quickly Bert stripped and stepped into the shower, the warm water already making his dirty skin feel better, cleaner.  Stretch was such a big help sometimes.

* * * * *

Changing into some of his favourite relaxing clothes, Bert arrived just in time to watch Stretch take the pizza from the delivery guy. To his annoyance, he could see that the delivery guy was openly staring at Stretch in agape and wonder.  Yet, Bucky pushed those feelings aside.  Stretch did not belong to him.  “So… ugh… tell me you’re not stuck at home, eating a whole pizza by yourself this Friday night?” the boy asked, his voice cracking midway.  Bert would have cringed alone at the line.  The guy was probably not much older than high school age.

Stretch gave a giggle and shook her head.  “oh no.  luckily for me I have this handsome fella to help me out.” She seized Bert’s hand, pulling him in view of the delivery guy, and handing him the pizza. “hot and smoking, just the way you like it, dear.”  Her eyes slowly travelled up and down his body, taking him in.  “you’re wearing my favourite shirt!  I always love how the blue brought out your eyes.”

Bert chuckled.  He could almost hear the pizza guy’s porn dreams shatter into a million pieces.  “Thanks, Sugar.  You know how to spoil me.  Not to mention that you always had fabulous taste.” He kissed Stretch’s offered cheek, taking the pizza and carrying it to the couch.  Stretch had already set up the room. The coffee table had a beer and a bottle of honey, napkins, and a raised platter where they could put the pizza.  She had even lit a couple of candles, making the room smell nice.  Bert wondered if his shoes were smelling again.

“bye!  have a great night!” Stretch told the guy before closing and locking the door. Turning slowly, seductively, Stretch purred.  “are you ready to Netflix and chill, big boy?”

Bert was sure that his face lit up with a fierce blush before he laughed at Stretch’s fake attempt to seduce.  “Oh definitely.  Can hardly wait.  All night long, Honey-Buns. But remember that we aren’t allowed to watch Game of Thrones without Blo anymore so we’ll have to find a new show to watch for tonight. But come on over before the food gets cold.”

Stretch’s eye socket seemed to twitch as Bert picked up the remote and getting Netflix set up.  Bert suddenly had the feeling that he missed something.  “Did the delivery guy bother you?” he asked her carefully.

Stretch shook her head wildly.  “oh!  heavens no! he had just never seen a living skeleton so was just a little surprised is all.”

“Little surprised, my ass,” Bert muttered, turning the TV to some sort of comedy show, something that he knew that Stretch would like. He took a large bite of pizza, ignoring the scalding grease that ran down his throat.

“are you jealous?” Stretch asked him, slowly walking over to him, hips trading the fabric of her pants easily.

The words took a second or three to sink in.  Bert accidentally inhaled the pizza in his haste to disagree, coughing wildly to clear his windpipe.  “Stretch, why would I be jealous?  You’re my best friend.  I was just worried that he had said something that I didn’t catch or tried to touch you. Part of my job is to protect you after all.”

This was perhaps the wrong choice of words. Stretch came over and sat beside him, silently.  Bert was already beginning to regret his words, sensing that he had made her upset in some way. He was pleased when he saw her pick up a piece of pizza.  It was only after she covered it with honey that she began to eat.

At least she was eating.

Bert tried to ignore what she was doing to the poor pizza for a couple more slices.  It wasn’t any of his business and besides, Stretch had always had a bit of a sweet tooth. It was easier said than done, however, as the honey bottle would make all sort of noises.  The slow whine as Stretch squeezed it, the rattling as it reformed to its shape, the puttering as honey slowly oozed out of it.

“How can you eat that?” asked Bert, trying not to sound judgmental.

Stretch peeked over at him, still holding the bottle in one hand as she lined the remains of the crust with honey.  “hey now. some people deface pizza with ranch sauce, I prefer to perfect it by adding honey.”

“Now that I find difficult to believe,” Bert grumbled, shaking his head and finishing up his own slice.  “Pizza is already perfect.”

“hey, the honey really pulls the tomato sauce and the grease of the pepperoni together!” Stretch countered.  “you don’t know until you try it.”

With a chuckle, Bert shook his head, turning his attention back to the TV.  “I suppose you’re right,” he said, crossing his arms behind his head.  He was feeling a little better with food in his belly, less tired.

There was a slight pause before Stretch shuffled closer to him.  “do you want to try some?” the skeleton offered him, fluttering her eyes at him.

Bert knew that Stretch wouldn’t give up until he at least gave it an honest try.  “Sure,” He said, reaching out and pinching off a piece of the crust and popping it into his mouth.  Slowly he chewed, considering the taste.  It wouldn’t be his first choice but he had to admit that it seemed to work.  “Yeah, that’s pretty alright.  Though, as I said before, pizza is perfect on its own.”

Stretch said nothing, didn’t even move the honey bottle.  Bert, worried that he had somehow misunderstood what she meant, turned to face her, ready to apologize.

For a moment, all was still.  Suddenly, the skeleton was shaking so hard that her bones were rattling, clanking loudly.  Her eye lights went dim as they stared down at her knees, and still she said nothing.  She only rattled.

Truly concerned, Bert sat up, turning fully to face her.  Reaching out to her, he tried to calm her.  “Hey…” he got out.

Hey is all that he would get out.

Stretch’s eye lights blazed suddenly with bright light, flickering up to look up at him.  She sprang at him, catching him off guard, pushing him off the couch.  Bert yelped as he landed on the carpet, his spine not quite cushioning his fall.  Stretch seized his shoulders, pressing them to the carpet, pinning him, her eyes wild as she stared at him.  “WHAT WILL MAKE YOU UNDERSTAND ME?  DO I NEED TO DANCE NAKED IN FRONT OF YOU, OR ARE YOU TOO MUCH OF A BONEHEAD TO COMPREHEND THAT TOO?”

Bert’s mind was definitely swimming. “I… I… what?” he was trying to understand what he did wrong.

“I SENT BLO AND THE OTHERS OFF WITH THAT ANIME YOU RECOMMENDED THAT THEY TRY. I OFFERED TO SHOWER WITH YOU.  I FLIRTED.  I CLAIMED YOU AS MINE IN FRONT OF THAT DELIVERY DRIVER. I OFFERED YOU A TASTE OF HONEY AND PIZZA AND YET YOU TOOK THE CRUST.  I EVEN THREW OUT THAT TERM THAT YOUR HUMAN SHOWS ARE ALWAYS THROWING AROUND, ‘NETFLIX AND CHILL’ IN THE HOPES THAT YOU WOULD UNDERSTAND. AND YET YOU ACT ALL INNOCENT AND SWEET! I THOUGHT I KNEW HOW YOU FELT ABOUT ME. DO YOU NOT WANT ME?”

Her words were a rising tide.  Drowning him as he desperately swirled among their midst.  It wasn’t fair how now he could see all that she was trying to say to him.  “You…. You were flirting with me?”

Stretch gave a loud groan and she looked up to the heavens.  Probably seeking guidance from the heavens for his dumb ass.  “I have been for a while but thanks for noticing,” she finally said, her eye lights finally losing their crazed look to them.  She shook her head and sighed.  “Perhaps Blo was right.  I should have grown a spine and told you outright other than skirting the issue and hoping that you would understand.”

Bert couldn’t believe his luck.  Stretch… Stretch wanted him? The monster that could have anyone that they wanted and she had chosen him?

He couldn’t believe his luck.

“Better late than never, I suppose,” Bert said, his fingers slowly tracing her thighs, feeling her curves.  The soft, warm swell of her ecto-body, the sparking of magic underneath his fingertips.  He gripped her pelvis firmly, and ground up against her, rocking against her warmth, letting her feel what she did to him.  “But I do believe that it is my turn to claim you as my own.”

* * * * *

Bert slept soundly, snoring gently, one hand on his forehead, the other wrapped loosely around her ribs. Stretch rested her head on his chest, savouring the moment.  She could hear his heart thundering in his chest, under her skull.  She could smell his unique musk mingling with own, taste his salty sweat on her tongue.  Murmuring softly, she squeezed her thighs together, still feeling his mess between her legs.  She would be sore in the morning she knew, and she would have to explain a few of the bite marks that Bert had left on her neck.

But yet, she couldn’t stop the silly smile on her teeth. That had been worth everything.  The little outburst, all the work, all those little frustrations, everything.  She couldn’t wait to do it again.

At last, her senses still drunk off of him but finally closing her eyes, she settled her skull on his chest, dozing off.  

That night there were no nightmares.