homestay

it will have been a week since sua arrived to jeju when sunyoung stops her in the hall. “y’know. you haven’t left the homestay all week. not to pry, or anything.” sua wants to shrug her off, it’s a calling out she doesn’t really need right now. much less appreciates.

“it’s cold out,” is all sua offers.

“well, there an ice rink that opens every wint–”

“i’m not really into that.” anymore.

“you sure?”

“positive.”

sua knows that sunyoung knows. it’s kind of hard not to, not to brag or anything. it’s simply the truth. sunyoung watches her, dark eyebrows pinch together. it’s a pitiful look, one sua doesn’t appreciate being on the receiving end of.

“i’m taking a sabbatical, of sorts.” sua relents, finally. it’s been weighing on her, the feeling of being here in secret.  

“for how long, do you think?” sunyoung begins walking towards the back patio, so it’s only natural that sua follows. sua shrugs her shoulders as an answer, eyes drifting towards something that wasn’t sunyoung.

“i don’t know. things are kind of, y'know, up in the air.”

sunyoung nods, all-knowing and understanding. “if you’re looking for a place, something a little more permanent, someone in the city that i know is renting out a studio.” there’s a pause between them, noises of the early morning outdoors filling the silence. “if you want.”

“i do, i want. i want to, that would be great.”

bio

skating is as natural as breathing, perhaps not as easy but just as innate.

it starts simply, a family vacation at some ski resort in france. her father and brother go skiing, naturally, leaving sua and her mother to their own devices. her mother is still riding a six-year-old miss korea runner-up high, so, no, she can’t risk any blades near the face but she’ll be watching sua from the bleachers. sua doesn’t think much of it, she tumbles and spins, and eventually joins a blond, nordic family as they trail behind their youngest two just to stave off the loneliness.

skating becomes an escape, to some extent. before her mother takes over.

when they return to korea, it is all she can think about. it occupies her thoughts at any moment of the day. she asks, begs, and pleads to be allowed on the rink at any free moment she has. it is her mother that decides that maybe it is time that sua begins officially taking classes. no point in allowing this to continue if it’s not going to amount to anything. she becomes the best because there is no way around it because that’s simply the way things are supposed to be. her mother becomes overbearing, obsessive. but sua has no room to complain when she’s equally such.

there’s a freak accident that happens months prior to her anticipated olympic debut. some spin or another, one that had become so ingrained she was practically running on muscle memory. they tell her it’s her acl, because of course it is. she will need to take a couple of months off after surgery to let it heal fully. she looks to her mother, wid-eyed and lost, suddenly feeling four-years-old all over again. there’s a heavy hand on her shoulder, a weight that should be comforting that instead burns through her clothes. “we have plans, still, sua. don’t forget that.”

so, sua makes her debut. as planned. she ignores the pain and heat in her knee, completely forgets about it once she has silver in her hand. her mother smiles, tight-lipped, and pulls her close. “gold would have been better, sua.”

but the pain never really goes away, instead, it serves as a constant reminder that gold would have been better. and whenever it flares up, perhaps she should do something other than simply train harder. but that’s easier said than done.

then there’s another freak accident. had sua thought about it any harder, she might have begun to believe the universe was trying to tell her something. though it’s not really a freak accident, she knows that well enough, but it’s easier to say that than to admit that it was only a matter of time before her knee finally gave out. the verdict is final. “it pains me to say, i was actually a fan…” sua kind of lets it go through one ear and out the other, her mother hangs on to the doctor’s every word. “she’ll recover, but she won’t have the same range of motion she once had. it’s likely that it’ll be very difficult for it to support her full weight.”

sua mourns the death of her career later, in private, away from the prying eyes of her mother.

she leaves on a monday morning, it’s just past seven a.m. jeju was beautiful in the summer, but now, in the midst of a janurary winter, it feels unusually bleak. she’d made sure to let her father and brother know, just in case. also made it a point to beg them not to let her mother know. her brother holds her close in the airport, cheek pressed to the top of her head. “i wish i could have done more for you.” sua knows, deep down, that no one really could have done anything.

homestay

She’s in a daze as the restaurant bustles with endless energy around her. She tries to keep focused managing tasks instead of her father who has chosen to stay in the kitchen for once. He always seemed to take on this job like a captain commanding his subordinates, a skill he learned from taking care of three kids on his own. Hyejin tried to be just like her father, more stern and forceful but it always failed. Her force was soft and gentle, not hard like her fathers. She lived in Jeju her whole life. This restaurant was no stranger to her but she felt like a fish out of water. Yet her sister seemed to thrive under the pressure she always folded under.

There was always a quiet commotion once the sun started to set and people made their way home. Once the flood of patrons started to quiet down she found herself looking out the window. The view of the ocean always calmed her stirring heart. The sound of the waves seemed to drown out the commotion of people laughing and talking with their loved ones. The voices now sounded distant. She inhaled eyes closing before she relaxed, her shoulders slumped against the open windowsill, her eyes fixed on the ocean in front of her.

“What are you doing?” Her father’s rough voice jolted her from her daze.

She jumped her hand coming up to hold her heart as if it was going to leap from her chest. Once settled she turned to her father and regarded her curiously for once his gaze was gentle up a stark change from the icy man who was commanding the kitchen. “I just thinking.” Thinking about being anywhere but there, dreading her father’s idea of giving her the restaurant when there are people much more suited to take on that responsibility. She stared at him for a moment, the look on his face, his tired eyes and his turned down lips were a familiar sight for her.

“About?” He asked, taking his towel off his shoulder leaning on his elbows on the open window beside her. His tone was tired. Sometimes she forgot how old he was and how much he had to give up because he was left alone with three kids to raise on his own. The toll of his life was apparent from the wrinkles engraved in his skin.

Hyejin’s knuckles were white as she gripped the open windowsill. She closed her eyes taking a deep breath, the ocean breeze permeating her senses. Once she opened her eyes she peered over at her father, her voice small and hitched. “Why she loved the ocean so much.” The stories she heard about her mother from her grandmother were different from the ones her father told her. His always ended in sadness while her grandmothers in adventure and happiness that was at her fingertips but lost once three kids were brought into the world. She didn’t want to end up like her mother or father. She didn’t want to settle because of children and didn’t want to feel trapped by responsibilities like her father never truly achieving happiness. “I just…” she lifted a hand and placed it on her father’s shoulder. She couldn’t bring herself to chase the same freedom her mother did. There was no way she could bring herself to leave her father with more pieces to put together.

He opened his mouth to speak but before he could she cut him off. “Sorry I was just in my own head. We should go there and still have people to serve.” Her hand fell to her side before she put on a fake smile and reentered the restaurant.

No, she’ll never leave him because she fears this time he won’t be able to be whole again.

bio

Ever since Hyejin was a young child she admired the sea. She remembers the first time she witnessed her grandmother dive beneath the water’s surface. She would be gone for what to a young Hyejin felt like hours, she always came back with a bag full of what she thought at the time was treasure. Her grandmother would always resurface with a bag full of fish and shells. Her siblings would sit around in their grandmother’s house while she told them stories too grand to be true but Hyejin clung to every word.

In her youth, Hyejin would clip shell barrettes and sit on the rocks in her white nightgown until the moon shined down at her. She loved the sea she dreamed of plunging beneath the surface hair in silky knots, sound filled with silence, she dreamed real mermaids would whisk her off to underwater paradise glittering with gold and pearls faraway from the world ashore.

until her father’s rough voice reigned her back into reality.

Her father was a hard worker. who never caught a break. On good days, he told them stories about her mother, about how he’d heard her singing from one of the tourist boats sailing by and had been lured in by her song. He’d made a fool of himself, had jumped into the ocean with all of his clothes still on to try to swim to her but had ended up nearly drowning himself; she saved him then invited him back to her house to dry off. The two had fallen in love over a bottle of soju and a plate of seafood, talking from dusk until dawn, that night the conceived Hyejin. For a moment, the two had convinced each other that it could last forever.

The first eight years of Hyejin’s life she remembers her mother and grandmother at sea and her father in the restaurant. Hyejin always was one step behind her mother copying everything she did. It was easy to pretend for their beautiful family, but her mother had never planned to stay for eight years as she had, and Hyejin’s father had a grip that was too tight for comfort.

The story always ended in his slurred words describing the night she fled without a single word or even a note, leaving him behind to raise three children on his own and nurse his devastated heart at the same time. He’d done a decent job at it, or at least he told himself that. He prided himself on what beautiful and mature daughter he had raised, even though all that she was came from shying away from him. Her father tried to be a good person despite his efforts; his anger always got the best of him. His anger was always a third person in the room, wilting her every time she showed the same spirit her mother had, every time she so much as waved her hand like the woman used to.

Her father never hurt her physically, the abuse of his words and actions pushed her farther away from him and caused her to long for an escape. When she was done serving tables at her father’s small restaurant and had hung her apron for the night, she slid a jeweled band onto her hair, then painted her lips the color of orchids. Jeju wasn’t exactly overpopulated, but there were places in the shadows if you’d lived there long enough, hubs filled to the brim with beautiful music and stone bars that spilled out onto the seaside. She danced in the arms of strange men, hummed to the rhythm, felt what her mother must have felt that summer. Freedom, beauty, as wide and unwavering as the ocean. Sometimes she ended up in her white her white bathing suit, dove into the ocean for so long she felt she might disappear, might sprout gills and fins and find home in some pearly atlantis.

When she was done, she’d kiss the cheek of her dance partner, wring out her hair, and tiptoe home, hanging her clothes to dry where her father and siblings wouldn’t see them.

homestay

min sehyeon thinks she’s going insane. her therapist says she just needs a new start.

for the past few months, life has just been boring— an ironic statement coming from someone whose job it is to have an interesting life. after all, no one wants to read posts from a lifestyle blogger filled with a deep ennui. (“dear readers, today i went to another cafe! did you know most of the coffeeshops in hongdae source their beans from the same purveyors? all of these iced americanos are going to taste exactly the same wherever you go.”) maybe she’s just getting jaded with age— and all at just 25!— but she gets the feeling that she’s lived through all of the excitement she was meant to have in this lifetime.

there’s nothing exciting about doing things just for the sake of having something to talk about. there’s nothing romantic about turning her life into bite-sized treats for easy mass consumption. she realizes now more than ever that she isn’t a real person to her audience, she’s simply a conduit to vicariously live through; an avatar of the digital age. thus arises the question: if she isn’t living for herself, then what is she living for? she waxes existential to her therapist until she realizes she’s not bored, she’s deeply, deeply unhappy.

god, maybe she does need a new start.

so now here she is, sitting in the incheon airport with nearly 2 hours to go before her flight to jeju-do, saying goodbye to people she’s never known. the spotty public wifi doesn’t make it easy, but eventually she finally finishes typing and hits post. it’s succinct— she tries to convince herself it’s a chic farewell, but the reality is that she doesn’t know what else to say. she shuts her laptop and slides it into her carry-on bag.

having you all join me over the years has been the adventure of a lifetime, but it’s time for me to search for a new one. i hope you all get to find yours too. love always, sehyeon.

bio

sehyeon’s childhood is a study in juxtaposition, thanks to her detached father and overbearing mother. she is the sole focus of their attention (or lack thereof) for 3 years, until her little sister sehee is born.

as she grows up, she seeks out ways to blend in as much as she seeks out ways to stand out; she throws herself into her studies to avoid the criticism of her mother, she wants to be the best to gain the approval of her father. life is a juggling act for many years.

she’s fairly popular in middle school and high school, with loving friends wherever she goes. an incident with a boyfriend in her final year of high school leaves her far less trusting than she had been before.

her uncomfortable home dynamic starts manifesting itself in her mental health. she begins seeing a therapist, a kindly man whom sehyeon will continue to see for many years.

an acceptance letter arrives from kyung hee university, her father’s alma mater. it’s the first time he says he’s proud of her and really means it.

upon finally matriculating, sehyeon feels lost. after years in this rat race where the finish line is the ambiguously labeled “college,” she doesn’t know what gives her purpose anymore. her therapist suggests keeping a journal and giving meaning to her days by putting them to writing.

she starts a blog for her day-to-day activities. it’s more of an online diary than anything, but people seem to like her writing. (that, and it’s much easier to be famous when you’ve got a pretty face and know your angles.) hyeony day, as her blog is called, begins gaining traction and sehyeon becomes an influencer.

although she graduates with a degree in journalism, she realizes that she can just keep blogging for a living. it’s not the career anyone thought she’d have, especially her.

years of the same old routine has left her blasé and unaffected. she is terrified by her own apathy.

she realizes that her life has just been method after method of escapism.

what is she running from?

homestay

time had flown by so quickly for ahrin as she spent the past few hours in the beach listening and writing lyrics on her notebook. rather than heading straight back home, she decided to take this night to visit a place that has always caught her interest. her parents had told her in the past how they really loved the place (especially the pets, who seemed well acquainted with them) but it wasn’t until now that she actually got a chance to visit homestay.

when she arrived at the location, she is curious but confused about the situation. “was it always like this?” ahrin thought to herself quietly as she was surrounded by a crowd of people. conversations were exchanged between people and the petite individual only heard bits and pieces of it. there are some people that she has never seen before, but then there were a few that she knew.

“ahrin!”

her name was called and in an instant, ahrin turns her head towards the direction of the sound. it’s from her sister who rushes to hug her tightly. without getting a chance to say anything else, she is led by the older woman to the crowd of people.

after several introductions and small talks, ahrin looked at her sister before the other tells her something that impacted her life.

“hey, i’ll be leaving to go to seoul tomorrow. take care of mother and father for me, okay?”

and since that day, ahrin vividly remembers homestay as the place where she last saw her sister before her disappearance.

bio

after ahrin’s parents had given birth to her older sister, ahjung, the family decided to move to jeju for a change of environment. at first it was a temporary move that would only last a few months, but the three of them enjoyed jeju so much that they decided to permanently stay once ahrin was born.

ahrin’s childhood was a rather simple one — while she did get along with her peers, there were times when people would expect more from her. whenever her older sister did well in something, she was pressured to do just as good as her (and it also didn’t help that her mother was an elementary school teacher).  as the years went by, ahrin came to the conclusion that she could never be just like her older sister, so she had to find something else that she would shine and it was music. she loved listening to all kinds of music thanks to her father, who would always spend his weekends listening to a variety of songs in front of their house.

once ahrin was in high school, she really felt the pressure get the best of her as some of her peers were accepted to different colleges and universities (some of which were far from jeju). she parted ways with most, if not all, of her closest friends as they left to go to college. as for her, she wasn’t quite sure what she wanted to do afterwards so she took a break and helped her father with a book that he was working on.

however, that lasted for a short while especially when ahrin found out one day that her sister would be leaving them to go to seoul. for the first few months, ahrin was confused and lost as to why her sister would leave them all of a sudden but she soon found out from her mother the reason why — ahjung wanted to move in with her boyfriend, which was something that her mother didn’t approve of. whenever ahrin would ask why the older woman felt that way, her mother would tell her that leaving jeju would change them for the worse and that she was forbidden to leave jeju.

homestay 

It was a calm, late summer afternoon. Sun rays were flooding the terrace in golden, honey-like light as birds sung their ballads, accompanied by the staccato of crickets and bullfrogs somewhere in the distance. A light breeze was lazily making its way through the air, brushing its invisible fingers through the greenery’s wild locks, caressing it gently.

„So, are you really sure about this?” Sunyoung asked, taking a sip of her peach ice tea, her chocolate orbs on the long-haired male. Gijin nodded his head, sighing simultaneously as he tried to avoid her gaze - there was something intrusive about it, something that made him feel as if she could stare right into his soul and catch on on his insecurity, which he stridently tried to hide. It has always been like this, even when the two were still kids and he still couldn’t really put a finger on the reason why he felt that way - she’s always had this aura of endless ease and tranquility, one that reminded him of the smell of incense and marihuana and the sound of drums and wind chimes. It might have been because she’s been a little crazy about everything connected to spirituality ever since he could recall, yet he couldn’t imagine her any other way. He could still remember how bemused he was during her wedding day, seeing her in a white wedding gown instead of her loose T-shirts with psychedelic prints or harem pants flown in straight from Nepal.

„I’m sure” he answered reluctantly, turning his gaze back to hers. Her eyes focused on him, squinting a little as if trying to catch the tiniest change in his expression if one occurred . „Please, please don’t use your voodoo, mind-reading magic on me,” he thought, trying to remain as calm as before, reaching for the bowl with edamame, putting a few of them onto his plate and beginning to peel one of the pods. „I’ll stay here. Grandma will need some help after granddad’s death. And besides—„

Silence filled with chirping and croaking fell over the two. Gijin handed some of the soybeans over to the female.

„You’re afraid of going back” Sunyoung muttered, accepting the beans. The male nodded, once again averting his gaze from hers as he felt the stinging sensation of tears forming and glossing over his eyes. She was right. It must have been months by now and he was still playing hide and seek with the idea, even though the outcome of the game had been settled before it even began - he was scared of admitting it, scared of accepting the fact that he indeed /was/ afraid of returning to the country that has been a home to him for many, many years. Ever since his rebirth, as he liked to call it, he had been so wary of everything connected to Japan that even the slightest mention made his skin crawl and his expression fade into indefinable distress and he hated in how much awe the whole situation has put him.

„I think the best thing would be staying here until I feel better” he muttered. Sunyoung nodded approvingly, putting one of the green beans into her mouth.

„It’s a good idea. You’ll have your family here. And you have me, too.”

Gijin smiled softly, her mere words making warmth spread all over his mind and heart. He glanced back at her, catching her looking at him. He reached out for her hand and she accepted it, giving his a little squeeze as she rubbed her thumb across his knuckles.

„Thank you, Sunyoung”

bio

Though born in South Korea, Gijin and his family moved to Hokkaido, Japan when he was still a little kid. As an only child of two intellectuals, he has always gotten what he wanted even though his desires could be compared to a lifelong minimalist’s one - he wasn’t like the other kids around, didn’t hanker for plastic toys as long as he had a few sticks, stones and the whole afternoon for himself. School wasn’t truly a problem for him although his grades could have been better - he never cared too much about his grades and despite his mother’s common dissatisfied sighs and head-shaking, he has never bettered himself.

However, much to his parents’ satisfaction, he’s gotten a grasp of himself in the last year of high school and applied to study medicine at one of Tokyo’s best universities. Having moved to the capital, his life mainly consisted of sleepless nights, study crams and a mixture of black coffee and disgusting energy drinks.

He was very active in the non-conformist milieu, organizing protests and simply trying to help others tell apart right from wrong. His life changed after one memorable night - making his way back to his dormitory, he noticed a few thugs harassing a female (her being something along the lines of a prostitute didn’t make much of a difference to him) and he… just showed them where their place was. He hasn’t really expected them, or better - their friends - to find and come after him.

Being badly beaten up and having been in a coma for two years, Gijin eventually woke up again, finding himself inside the borders of his homeland and unwilling to leave and move back to the country that has been a home to him for several years.

homestay

The bed is a wreck, it’s a pile of blankets and pillows with Daewon caught in the middle. He’s sprawled out, a tangled mess of three-straight-days of doing nothing, of eating meals brought to his door and doing the bare minimum to not get the cops called.

It’s the middle of the day and he yawns, drowsy. Homestay gives him the space he needs. No lawyers come to talk, no unyielding stream of phone calls and no yellow envelops piling up in front of him. It separates him from the source of his problems, it lets him veg out until his mind is blank and his body, numb. There’s no stress in purgatory. For him, it’s perfect.

It’s strange, the things you do when you have enough money to do nothing, just breathe and watch public programming and read poetry you don’t understand. Maybe he’ll go out tomorrow. Most of the time, if he leaves it’s to flip through books or lay on the beach and pretend he’s melting into the hot sand. Nothing about him works the way it used to - that’s why he’s here.

Daewon rolls over, mutes the television to listen to the murmurings of the house. Life seeps through the floorboards, barely touching him, becoming BGM to his quiet existence. He closes his eyes to drift off again, heartbeat low and the blankets, impossibly warm.

Bio

1. Youth is wasted on him. He’s the one and only heir to his father’s pharmaceutical company. His parents are neither awful nor inspiring, and he exists easily because he’s a Golden Spoon Brat. They’re busy adults, so they sent him far away to board at an international school where he learned a myriad of bad things. When he returned to Seoul for high school, he could at least surpass his peers in English.

He also surpassed them in nastiness. Daewon wasn’t a bully, but that didn’t make him a good person. His prestige made him appealing but his attitude warded off anyone with a working moral compass. More bad things came to pass, he hurt himself and he hurt other people because he could live without consequences. His parent’s money, love, and power - it was all his.

Except, he became a delinquent. Then, Daewon was a problem. Actually, a threat to society. His father laid down the law with threats and therapy sessions, the kind so mind-numbing that he began to walk the straight-and-narrow again. Because in reality, his father owned all the power that he thought he had. So, he played piano, he listened to his tutors, he graduated high school, he thought about running and never did.

2. He did the next best thing and spent four years attending university in New York City. Then he spent another two getting his masters, and once that was up and it was time to come home he enrolled in the military and completed his mandatory service. He missed Korea so much he blacked out every other weekend.

Without any talent, or dreams, or ambitions, Daewon fell in line. He loved his family’s wealth too much to refuse his father’s nepotism. He donned his suit and tie, learned the ways of his father’s success and found himself sickened. It doesn’t pay to have morals in pharmaceuticals, but he’s weak and keeps his mouth shut. He spends money on top-shelf liquor and lives his life quietly, in secret.

One night in the club turns to one night in a holding cell. His father and mother leave their cocktail party and bail him out to save face. Berating him turns into an uncomfortable silence, and Daewon falls asleep in the backseat like a child. Finally, when he wakes up it’s in a hospital with a bunch of tubes sticking out of his body and his brain no better than gruel. He’s unable to feed himself, talk right, or even walk. But, he recovers.

3. His parents are ashes kept in marble urns. Relatives come out of the woodwork to bleed him dry and yellow envelopes start to pile up on the counter of his family house. He goes to physical therapy, he takes pills, he…

…Isn’t himself. After the accident, his personality drastically changed. Everyone tells him this, that he’s not the young man they remember, that he seems friendly as if the car broke through his anger. They praise him for his “bravery” and “humility” but in reality, he feels like a blank space. There’s nothing in Seoul worth staying for. At one point he loved high society and all that glitz in the neon light; he liked driving fast cars and one-nightstands, fine clothes and finer liquor.

homestay

- it’s a long way and you’re not prepared at all. - yes mom, but it’s also a start over, we talked about this, you know i need this. - does it have to be this way?

it did. it did have to be done that way. mina had to head out of her hometown, buzzing city, busy neighborhood that watched her grow into a teenager. a woman. a married woman and was now watching her leave as a divorcee. heart broken, but still breathing, still alive. it was a long way from goyang-si to jejudo, it was hours, then some more to find the place where she would be staying until she could finally get something decent. an apartment, or anything at all.

the plan was simple, possibly flawed because the moment she got the job at sunny hair and they asked her to come in as soon as possible to start, she barely gave it a second thought and jumped on the occasion. a week after signing her divorce papers. her mind was not all there, her emotions trying to shut down every single thing except for this opportunity.

any plans that occurred during an emotional turmoil was bound to be flawed, but none of that mattered. the first night she spent at homestay felt just like the solidifying of the decision she’d taken, a starting ground until she could find her own home. with a million doubts and thoughts, she woke up the next morning, welcomed by the sight of the owners moving about and welcoming a few guests. greeting. looking happily married, together.

something mina had thought she’d have forever as well.

to see that and realize that she’d possibly never really had the foundation to rise as a couple with her ex-husband the way they were, made her even more stubborn in the stance that she needed to work on herself, for herself, to forgive the girl she was to have believed in the man he was.

but everyone made mistakes, and everyone deserved a second chance.

bio

mina was born to loving parents. an easy life welcomed her from the very beginning. even if they were not the wealthiest, her mother’s skills in the world of hair styling made for a good life. not to forget her father’s career as a plumber. they were humble, modest, happy and content.

she grew up a normal teenager, excelled in her classes but only ever found interest in following her mother to her salon and watching her turn her client’s world upside down with a pair of scissors, some good advice and a style that would suit and compliment not just their face, but their whole life style.

her mother had a gift, passed right in mina’s hands. from her dolls, to her classmates and then to her own clientele once she got the license to practice.

mina at twenty really thought she was heading the right way. mina at twenty, she was a dreaming child. she thought of love, of settling down, of kids. she thought of the boy she dated from high school, to college and was now getting married to the summer of her twenty and the forever they were building.

she thought of the after the marriage, of their future. of how it wasn’t supposed to be of him wanting to take her away from the things she loved. of making arguments about how she should quit working and just stay at home.

it wasn’t supposed to be listening to him day and night ask if she really wanted this to work seeing as she was more focused on her career more than she was on building a family of her own with him. it wasn’t supposed to be a choice between him or her career. she wasn’t supposed to be guilt tripped into giving up her job for him, but she did. the point was that she did.

she loved the man enough to marry him, to let go of her job, to think only of their future children. of raising them, of cooking for him when he got home from work. of letting him handle everything and let her just be a housewife. she found no issues in it.

sure she’d end up missing working now and then, but to help with that, she would instead take over for her mother when she couldn’t make it for a shift or two. never too many or she’d be hearing from her husband, fussing and disagreeing once again. the point was, mina made a lot of sacrifices to have the perfect life. she let herself revolved around their marriage and him and their future family. so the day she came to find that he wasn’t being faithful. that the nights he claimed to be at work were actually spent with another woman. maybe more than one.

the day she wanted to surprise him at work and found him fucking another woman in his office, she couldn’t understand. she couldn’t stomach the idea, the thought process. the meaning behind all of this. all of his words, so grandiose about her not wanting to give them the life they deserved. this was the life she deserved?

a cheating, controlling, manipulative husband who she’d been trying to have a baby with in the month where she found out about his infidelity? who had been looking like it would be the best thing for them as a couple. because her lack of a career had been making her depressive and in return, she’d been unable to be the girl she was when they met or the woman she wanted to be when they got married.

this was the life she deserved, had been a constant plaguing thought in the process of her finding out she wasn’t happy. they were constantly arguing over every little thing. that he wasn’t happy because she was resentful of him making her give up on something she loved. that they made each other miserable.

she deserved this. she did this. she chose to let him do as he pleased with her. the tears had been hard to undo once they started flowing. his words weighing a ton in her ears, apologizes that fell on the deafening of her world passing before her eyes.

crumbling.

mina cried a lifetime of sorrow in her father’s arms the night she packed her bags to leave. then her eyes went dry for the remaining months of going through the process of divorcing her first love. the man she’d once thought would be her first and last.

all her bets placed in one slot. now stuck without any idea where to head to.

it was a friend of hers, an ex colleague, who’d always told her to not do all the things she’d ended up doing for him who recommended her to sunny hair salon. a whim really. a night talk of wanting to not be anywhere he was. that this city felt like it held all the memories of them and there was never going to be a them anymore.

of mina feeling like her whole identity would always be linked to his world if she stayed.

of wanting to make irrational decision, any of them, as long as they took her away.

homestay

charoen takes a moment’s pause leaving canola. the sun is warm, bright, colouring her face, eyelids closed to feel its kiss. it feels like a promise. something new. the handshake from canola’s owner remained on her fingertips, and she would be starting her part-time employment at the bar within the week. oh, she needed it. there’s very few bills in her knapsack, adjusting said strap on her shoulder, and she sees herself residing at homestay for the foreseeable future. she didn’t begin with much when she left thailand, her home, her family, so this was hardly a vacation. beside that, she wasn’t looking for a vacation. she needed something different, to escape. the smile on her face loses a bit of its enthusiasm as she’s reminded of the fact that physically leaving thailand didn’t mean she had left behind what she was hoping wouldn’t follow her. but looking around the humbling town, she thinks she can leave it behind her — at the very least, it’s easier. taking a deep breath, she slings a slender leg over her bike — also rented from the bed and breakfast — and starts back to her residence. the room’s barren for the meantime, but she thinks it’ll thrive with a little attention and care. little does charoen know that’s all she needs for herself.

bio

charoen is the elder sister to her brother, chalor, by four years

a lot of her issues went under the radar in order to protect chalor’s innocence, because at the base of it all, she just wants to be a good big sister

their parents worked tirelessly in order to provide for her and her brother, but they were good to her, despite her transgressions

charoen knows she has a lot of interests and hobbies which is what made her delinquency so unfulfilling

she started to lose her way in high school, seeking adventure, something to fill this void that started to grow and gnaw in her belly

not wanting to address this new mental health issue, it was just easier to drown it, which then lead to heavier substances until she frequently found herself joining the wrong crowd lingering in bathrooms and doing bumps

it made all her other interests seem a little less shiny, tarnishing them

despite realizing how far gone she was getting, charoen couldn’t seem to stop

until the day came that she graduated high school and was faced with the prospect of going to university, a thought which scared the hell out of her

knowing full well that her addiction, coupled with her poor mental health, wouldn’t allow her to successfully attend university, charoen decided to start travelling

each place she travelled, charoen would settle for a little while with a job until she saved enough money to make it to her next destination

all the while, the travelling was meant to put some distance between her and her family in order for charoen to deal with her issues without them knowing, because the last thing she wants is to disappoint them

there have been relapses, which is a major component to leaving past destinations, but she does believe she is doing better

with time, she has begun to grow interested in her hobbies again, which is a positive sign!