#hrtextpost

imagining a time where shane tells ilya that he put on a suit before their first hookup. like, years down the line they’re dressing up for an event and shane looks in the mirror and starts giggling. having flashbacks of fixing his tie just like he’s doing right now. and ilya’s like ??? "what is so funny?" and shane obviously tries to play it off. all “nothing. it’s nothing.” but he has this goofy ass look on his face he can’t quite hide. it’s not until ilya gets all up in his space, hands sliding around his waist, puppy dog eyes coming out in full force, that shane goes “it just reminded me of the first time we got together”. and this really throws ilya through a loop because huh?? and so he has to explain. how he was so nervous and so excited and so full of uncontrolled energy that he put on a full suit and tie before ilya came knocking on his door. how he then had to scramble to take it all off, put it away neatly, and then act like he wasn't just sitting in the dark thinking he had lost his mind. this, obviously, sets ilya off. laughing, tears in his eyes. because this is the love of his life. he's so in love with this goofy ass boy that not only had this ridiculous idea, but that fully went through with it for a minute. he gathers enough composure to hit him with a "so you were reaaally trying to impress me, yes?". safe to say they were late to the event.

i need ilya to be the little spoon so bad. i need shane to be so curled up around him. i need him nuzzling into shane’s chest. i need his curls to be pet and played with. i need him tucked into shane’s neck. i need his back scratched. i need shane cooing in his ear. i need him to have so many soothing kisses. i need him to wake up so wrapped up and loved up, he forgets for a moment that he ever felt lonely.

ilya calling shane as many canadian-esque pet names as possible. that’s shane. his little maple syrup. his little moose. his little poutine. his little canada goose. his little ketchup chip. his little bear. his little maple leaf.

ya tebya lyublyu. he whispered that into the air. into his neck. into his mouth. like a prayer. like a promise. like a vow. he pressed it into his skin along with his tears. until he couldn’t hold it in anymore. until it burst out of him. i love you.

i think about shane being so brave when he calls ilya that first time all the time. he just goes straight to his phone and hits call. he's so worried about him, he loves him so much, that he CALLS HIM. they don't do this. they send off flirty texts and meetup times back and forth. they don't call. they don't speak. they don't facetime. just dancing around the fact that they can do this, that they want to, but neither pulling the trigger. so for this to be the first time, for shane to be so worried that he just presses that call button is so big. it's so brave! for him to be by the phone, waiting for at least a message back. for him to pick up immediately when ilya facetimes him back. not a second thought about being on camera. about seeing ilya. about being seen soft and vulnerable in his home. it's an instant choice of "i'm here for you" and "i got you" and "i will listen" and "i like you" and "i will hold your worries" and "i will make time for you" and what is all of that if not bravery and love?

it's about working so so fucking hard to keep your walls up and then having a scrunchy faced goofy motherfucker come in and break through them. it's about letting yourself be vulnerable and seen for the first time in forever and letting your guard down and then...... getting completely obliterated once you do. it's about immediately faking out of what you just did and acting like everything is fine and feeling like your insides are trying to claw themselves out of you at all times. it's about realizing that your heart hasn't been yours for a very very very long time now.