1) Ask the person through a friend how they feel about friends with benefits (fwb)

(pro-tip: make sure it is someone you actually wouldn’t mind doing)

2) Wait for the person your friend is texting to freak out

3) Have the friend reveal the identity of the interested party (that’s you)

4) Text the person yourself and apologize for the immaturity; you are interested but too bashful to ask

5) Commence awkward flirting and “planning” of the fwb situation

(pro-tip: the person is already in another fwb situation, but their person wants it to be monogamous)

6) Person will ask you to eat an awkward meal with them where you will discuss sex positions, fetishes, etc.

(pro-tip: make it a late lunch on a friday, for 45 minutes)

7) Person will tell you they are going to likely break it off with the other person so that they can sleep with you

(pro-tip: at the end of the lunch, after telling you that they are in a fwb with the other person who wants to be monogamous, the person of interest will try to kiss you. shout out in confused protest and then awkwardly let them kiss you without you reciprocating)

8) Valentine’s Day! Things haven’t progressed so send them an awkward, sexually-suggestive card

(pro-tip: include a tiny chocolate)

9) Person of interest will reciprocate with a sex coupon!!! Redeemable at any time, with unlimited uses!!

10) Text person of interest and ask if you can redeem it!!

11) Nope, person of interest is still with monogamous-seeking fwb partner

12) Wait a month, ask again for a status update

13) Nope, person of interest is still with monogamous-seeking fwb partner. They assure you it will end *soon*

14) Lose self-confidence; consider contacting person of interest one last time

(pro-tip: don’t do it)

I'm going to do to you what the government does to the American people

okay awesome welp coolio

der kleidershrank

I wish I was your child so you could breastfeed me

You look different when your awake

come on, I'm your dad's friend

just 'cause the nation's debt is going up doesn't mean i can't go down (on you)

i wanna be in your heart-shaped box

I support gay marriage...our gay marriage

you're on the top of my to-do list

do your lips wanna have a playdate with mine