It’s about time I let everyone in on...

THE RULES OF COMEDY!!!

1. GRAB A MIC! You can try doing stand up without a microphone, but I sure as hell wouldn’t recommend it.

2. KEEP IT SHORT OR KEEP IT LONG! Nowadays, you better do 5 seconds, or you better do 5 hours, cause ain’t nothing in between going to get you anywhere but nowhere!

3. HANDS WHERE I CAN SEE ‘EM Sure, jokes are important, but people wanna see where your hands are at. Cause if they’re hidden, you’ve lost trust with the audience.

4. ALWAYS BE PLUG’N 90% of your act should be an inspired plea to let people know when the next time is that they can come and see you plug a show.

5. RAIN? OPTIONAL! NEVER think there’s always gotta be rain in your comedy routine. If there is; great! But don’t ever let anyone tell you your act needs more rain, when it simply isn’t what you do, or it’s not already raining.

6. IT AIN’T STEAL’N IF IT’S NOT A JOKE! Comics HATE when you steal material, but if you steal 19 unrelated words various comics said and string them together in a new sequence, not only will it not be considered stolen, it probably won’t be a joke!

7. BALL BOYS FOR MIC DROPS! Don’t have a tag for a punchline? Then drop the mic! But better get some Wimbledon ball boys to come pick them mics up, otherwise the whole STAGE will be covered in mics by hour five of your set.

8. WATCH OUT FOR CARS Chances are you won’t being doing comedy where cars are, but if you are, WATCH OUT FOR ‘EM!

9. Mic Broken? Use it MORE! Sometimes a mic cord causes the mic to cut in and out. When this happens: DEFINITELY don’t leave the mic in the stand. Instead; whip the mic around more than ever and make it cut in and out as much as possible; it forces the audience to LISTEN!

10. ESTABLISH A CLEAR LINE OF MUTINY WITH AUDIENCE Ask everyone in the audience a question, but let it be clear, if they are from the wrong city, or do the wrong thing for a living, or have been dating each other for the wrong amount of years; it will be considered MUTINY with heavy consequences and one serious inconvenience!

11. HAVE ZERO SENSE OF IRONY Irony is an amazing tool for you, but NOT for others! If another comic is being ironic, definitely don’t get the joke and instead blast them on the internet to increase your internet traffic.

12. DON’T WEAR SHORTS... on your head! Down below is fine, but keep them shorts off your head! Shorts on your head seems fun, but they muffle your voice and obstruct any of your eyeball related material.

13. CANCEL CANCEL CANCEL If you gotta gig coming up, what you wanna do is cancel it. If you could give the producer zero heads up and no show that is preferable. It adds to the persona that you're a very important person with LOTS of internet traffic.

14. BE FROM OUTA TOWN Its the best credit you can have. No one wants hear what someone who has the same license plate as them has to say. But when an audience finds out the next comic is from a place they're currently not in, they KNOW they're in for a wild ride!