#howlingblolaugust

Bucky was overwhelmed with unknown emotions and instead of shaking your hand, he kept silent with his head slightly down and took a step back.  He saw your smile slightly falter before you placed your hand back down to your side.  Steve, who had brought you to meet him, stood beside you and decided to show you around the tower.  Bucky quickly excused himself and walked out of the room.

You were no stranger to Bucky Barnes or the Winter Soldier.  

You being a close friend to Steve, as well as helping him transition to the modern world, had heard many stories about the famous Bucky Barnes, the man who supported Steve through anything, who helped him through hard times, who even inspired him to join the army.  You even knew of the Bucky Barnes who was a flirt and the man who always took a girl out dancing.  

You also knew how he suffered at the hands of Hydra, suffered in ways no being ever should.  You saw the way he was hurting and you wanted to help him tremendously but how could you if he wouldn’t let you?  

“I am sure he will come around, he just needs to warm up to you,” Steve said.  

It took Bucky a long time to finally accept your help.  No matter how hard he had tried to push you away due to fear, you never gave up.  It wasn’t until one day that Bucky broke down into tears after a nightmare where he began to open up to you.  He told you about how screams echoed in his head, and the memory of pain would replay in his sleep.  He was so vulnerable and helpless within his own mind.  Hours had passed before you were able to calm his breathing and send him back to sleep.  Although he did not tell you in words, you knew he was extremely grateful that you had been there for him.  

However, the next day, Bucky continued to avoid you completely.  

This made you quite upset, you thought Bucky had finally learned that you were there because you wanted to be and that you were there because you wanted to help him and that you loved him.  Little did you know that Bucky felt the exact same way, this unknown feeling of love.  Sadly, however, this feeling scared him and he didn’t want to have anything to do with it.

You and Bucky had crossed paths in the hallway in the middle of the day causing you to stop him in his path.  

“Why are you ignoring me?” you asked.  

Bucky shook his head and began walking away from you.  You quickly grabbed his wrist stopping him from moving another step before saying, “I am trying to help you, just please talk to me.”

Bucky froze, he wanted so badly to tell you what thoughts ran through his mind but he feared the outcome.  

“Just leave me alone, I don’t need you here, I never did.  I don’t need you to babysit me and tell me that everything is going to be okay because no matter how many times you tell me that, it won’t be true.  I will never be okay so please just leave me alone.”  

With that, Bucky removed your hand from his wrist and walked away.  You began to get angry, angry at the fact that Bucky wouldn’t accept your help, angry at the fact that he was just trying to get rid of you.  

“I know you are just trying to get rid of me.  You getting angry with me isn’t going to change the way that I feel about you.”

“Why not?  Is it because you love me? Because you see me as some charity case?  I can’t be fixed! Once your mind has been tampered with like mine was you will never see people the same way.  I don’t care about you, I never did,” Bucky said causing you to freeze.  

Bucky’s eyes widened slightly before he took a step back.  Bucky was shocked by what he said since it was not true, he cared about you deeply, but he knew this was the best thing to do.  You nodded slightly before turning on your heels and walking back to your room.  

That night, you were overwhelmed causing you to grab a bottle of Tony’s best wine and a reasonably sized glass before heading up to your room. Bucky’s words lingered in your head before you took a swig of the liquid.  You sat on your balcony overlooking the city, the sound of sirens and horns going off every few minutes.  After what felt like hours, you heard your door slowly open.  You glanced over shoulder and saw Bucky standing at your doorway.  By that moment, your head had become fuzzy and you knew you weren’t thinking straight.  

“What? You’ve come to give me another lecture about how I should leave you alone? I already got the message,” you said before taking another sip.  

“No, I’m not, I don’t think it’s healthy to be drinking that much alcohol.”

“Leave me alone Bucky,” you said quietly.  

“I’m not going to leave you alone.”

“Why not? You made it perfectly clear this afternoon that you did not want anything to do with me.  I have been nothing but nice to you, kind, understanding.  I see that you are hurting on the inside and I am trying to help you but I can’t because you won’t let me!  And the moment I finally thought you would open up to me, you shut me out once again.  I don’t get you Bucky!” you nearly screamed, the words coming out of your mouth before your mind could stop them.  

“I know,” he replied softly, “I know, and I am sorry.”

“Bullshit, what are you so afraid of?  That you’re going to hurt me?  I can take care of myself you know?”

“You’re right, I am afraid of that! I am afraid that I am going to hurt someone as pure as you! I don’t deserve to have someone like you by my side!  I am afraid because I love you, I can’t stand to see you get hurt, especially if it’s from me,” he said, his voice trailing off in the end.  

You froze, your mind suddenly going blank.  Bucky sat down at the edge of your bed, his head in his hands.  

You stood up from the ground and took a seat next to Bucky.

“How are you not afraid of me?  How can you love a monster like me?” Bucky asked softly.  

“You are not a monster, you’re just a man who went through something no one should.  That doesn’t make you a monster.”  

“No one else sees it that way.”  

“The only way that other people are going to see it like that is if you start seeing it too.  Let me help you, I don’t care about what you have done, I know that wasn’t you, none of that was on you.  You need to start believing in that,” you said, placing your hand on his metal one.  

You felt him flinch slightly and then slowly settle in your hand.  

“Thank you,” he said with a small smile.