#how quickly

the mind travels vast distances to find meaning

in the strange and striking shapes of our lives.”

 Its funny how much things can change. One minute you can be walking along with your mule, minding your own business, and the next you're lying on the ground in a pool of your own blood realizing that you failed. That mad man, that indescribably evil mad man won everything. He had hinted that it would come to this, but you never really thought it could... how could the whole party, even Andar, one of the best among us... just watch as he cut you down.

It was in that moment, when his blade dug into my flesh that I had that dark realization. I realized, Obadiah was right. He was right all along. He was right all along, and he had played me this whole time. I thought I was going to die, die in my worst moment. I had never felt such despair in my entire life. I had failed and I deserved death and whatever would come after because of my failure. Imagine my surprise when I opened my eyes again, staring up at Andar... and at him. He has no eyes, but I know he was watching me.

He did not speak, but I heard his voice so clearly in my mind... it cut through the fog of my weariness and my despair like a hot knife through butter. My goddess left me to die. In that moment, there was no help, no guidance, only flaming steel piercing my flesh. She left me to die. It was only through Obadiah's will... no, Glasya's will that I was spared. It hurt. It did not help that I also felt empty. I did not know it then, but my goddess truly had abandoned me.

I've never felt so cold.

I signed the contract with the lich... despite my state, I still found it to be distasteful, but I was a coward. I didn't want to try my luck again. I felt like if I objected everyone would turn against me again... and now that I was abandoned what would that mean for my immortal soul? I was truly lost.

I hid it from the group. Most didn't notice when I used my divine given abilities anyways, so it wasn't hard, but I couldn't help but to feel like I was being watched more closely. I retreated into myself. I was sad at first, devoted to repenting for my sins... there was never an answer... no sign. I became bitter and spiteful, though I did my best to put on a face. I didn't want him to be right. He always looked so smug, like he knew. In hindsight, I'm sure he did.

Its amazing how quickly things can change. We were visiting Phrixus's hometown when everything changed for the better. It started with a notice about a missing girl, but when everyone turned down my desire to help, I retreated to the library. I was followed. I tried to avoid him at first, but he soon took a seat across from me, book in hand. It was silent. I prayed to my deity, even though it had been at least a week since I felt my goddess's warmth, I prayed that he would not speak to me, but I would be foolish if I thought it would work.

He looked past me, it always used to unnerve me how he'd look past you when he spoke. “Are you okay friend? You seem a little down lately?” He asked in whispered tones appropriate for the library, his voice filled with genuine concern. It was an innocent question, one that if it had come from anyone else at this moment, I might have just spilled my guts. I swallowed hard and looked down at my book on celestial as I answered.

“I'm fine.” I lied. Before I would have never lied. How far had I fallen?

“Are you sure? You don't seem yourself lately Adrien,” He pressed. It was so difficult to resist. All I wanted was a confidant, someone to speak to of this twisting in my gut.

“Oh yes I'm fine, I must just be weary from the road,” I lied again. He made no noticeable cues, but I knew he caught me in my lie. I stumbled over words, to try and justify myself, but as the conversation continued I felt trapped.

He had me cornered. I was a fly caught in his intricate web as he made me question every part of myself, and I found myself lacking. I didn't dare admit it. I struggled. I tried to escape, I did, but I was already in too deep. He went in for the killing blow.

“Has your goddess abandoned you, Paladin?” He asked with a wicked grin, like that of a predator that has its prey cornered. I felt the color drain from my face. All was silent for what must have been a minute. And then I finally said it.

“Yes...” I half sobbed. It wasn't until I spoke that I realized I had been crying since he asked that simple question. “Yes...” I repeated.

He had me by the throat. I tried to resist, but even if his clamped jaw loosened, I would surely bleed out. I struggled for an argument. Nothing was substantial. I was grasping at loose straws. I was thankful that I had mostly composed myself before the party joined us in the library. We were to look for the little girl. I felt happier, but there was still a shadow over me. There were other children in that schoolhouse... all but one died. How could goodness let this happen? I was angry and hurt, and Obadiah's words echoed in my head...

It started as almost an innocent question. I asked what he wanted... and what I'd get in return. He gave me a wicked grin, even as we walked back to the village with the girl. At that moment I realized I was gone. When he asked I join him in his ritual, I knew I was damned. I agreed. At the moment I was filled with regret, but now I look upon that moment with elation. I finally found the will to pull myself away from the false gods and their false promises. I was on my way to worshiping the true goddess, Glasya.

I cried in my room before the ritual. I prayed. I pleaded. There was no answer. When Obadiah knocked on my door, I bowed my head and resigned myself to my fate. I was damned.

Its amazing how quickly things can change though. I was scared as the gatekeeper drew up the contract, and as I signed my name. Hell was terrifying at first, but with the guidance of my friend, yes my friend, Obadiah, I knew that though it would be horrendous, that we would come out at the end okay... well mostly okay. It would be nothing compared to what he endured, and that gave me a small degree of comfort through most of the experience.

I now see the error of my ways. Before I was weak, I had no understanding. I lacked clarity. But now, my mind is clear. I know my purpose, my place in this world. I will follow Obadiah until the end, and with his guidance and wisdom, I will help spread the world of Glaysa.