#hotintopeka

After a month you gave up. He wasn't trying to find you, or he couldn't. Either way it was too painful to dwell on any longer. You just wanted to relax with your friends. Have your pie and a large cup of something with too much sugar. You all took a shortcut through a back alley and down the street to one of the only non-discriminate diners in town. The one with the big orange window lights and bright pink curtains.

It was your and Buck's favourite... They always gave the two of you free hot chocolate with whipped cream for being so cute and giggly. You still remember the first time; you got shy and turned away to bury your face in your hands. That’s when he took a great big sip and let the whip cream get on his nose. Pretending to not know its there so you'd reach over and clean it off him just to get a mess of sticky kisses.

You let yourself get lost in those memories for a moment. That's when you see him. He was fine, he was alive. He looked great actually. He was was sitting in your booth, smiling. Looks like he's having a good time- with her. She's pretty; Blonde, bubbly, and white. A lot of everything you're not.

You aren't prepared for the way your heart feels. It wasn't breaking, that would've been a gift compared to this. Its hollow, becoming empty. Inside there's an echo of what used to be your soul, saying "I told you so." You used to think that holding his hand, laughing with him, kissing him, dating him, loving him- him loving you... that it could only be possible in a dream. Looks like you were right.

She grabbed his hand and they both leaned in almost too close. He was laughing at something she said when he saw you standing outside. Your friend's take notice of what's happening and desperately try to pull you away.

"We'll just go to Doc's a block over. Their pie is better anyway y/n..."

"Yeah, c'mon let's just go."

You blink back the few tears you had building and let them lead you down the street. He knows who you're with, so he knows where you're going. He's observant like that. If there was any place that served real Key Lime Pie around, you'd find it. You just hope he doesn't show up there too. You can't deal with seeing him right now and maybe ever again.

~~~~~~~

You're in the corner booth of the large diner with your friends, flicking a cherry around the table. You hate cherries. Buck would always eat them for you. Your waitress was balancing several precariously perched water glasses to deliver to a large party across the floor. She passes right by you but doubles back handing you a small note. "Here you are sweetness. From that handsome boy you're always with." She gives you a light poke and a wink. You liked her but you're gonna have to stop coming in on her shift now. All the note says is:

'Round back.'

A very large part of you is trying to stay stuck to the leather seat and get a fresh start on a new life with some old coffee, but the smaller part is much stronger and it needs you to touch him one last time. Your friends give you soft but disapproving looks.

"I don't need this from the two of you right now, just order my pie please."

They shift in their seats uncomfortably. "If you're not back in 25 minutes we're coming out after you y/n."

You chuckle. "Yeah? And what then, you gonna kill him?"

They shoot each other a quick smile and a knowing glance. "We will consider our options."

You didn't want to grab too much attention on the way back inside later if this ended badly, so your waitress let's you cut through their break area. It's a little dark even with the light from the street lamp but you don't need much to find who you're looking for. He's propped himself up against the brick wall directly across from the door. Fuck. You were hoping your feelings would shift your perceptions a little but it didn't work, He's still as handsome as ever. It's been so long you'd already started forgetting little details about his face. Like the freckle on his forehead or the shape of his jaw. You would gladly drown yourself in those eyes if he wanted you to. He's always been so beautiful it hurt. You snap back into reality when the door slams shut behind you.

The two of you lock eyes for a long solid minute. He's waiting on you to speak first and you realize you haven't thought about what you might even say to him. You settle on: "Talk."

"Y/n... it wasn't what it looked like."

You cross your arms. "Oh? So you weren't on a date?"

He bites his bottom lip. God you love those lips. Making out with James Barnes is like sipping directly from the hand's of god and you wanted to be drunk in it forever. "...I deserve that." He swallows hard. "I promised... I promised that I'd take her out for a while."

"Just out on a few extra friendly dates? Oh well that's fine then, I didn't think you were dead or anything, James." You were actually holding onto a lot more anger than you anticipated.

He sighs obviously also annoyed, but you called him 'James.' If you know nothing else about your Bucky, you know hearing his name roll off your tongue is the sweetest thing in his life. "I wanted to talk to you y/n but-"

"No. You just left me alone for over a month? I didn't know what might've happened to you James- It's not like I can come around asking questions?!" He started pacing. You didn't like cutting him off like that, but you're hurting and he did this to you.

"I didn't stay away from you because I wanted to y/n..." He was rubbing the side of neck and that's when you finally noticed the remnants of what used to be a black eye and several other bruises.

"What did they- who... who was it?" You had your stern face on. You're not too bad in a fight and right now everything inside you was pulsing with anger, but even at your meanest you still only look like a hungry puppy.

He half chuckled at the ground and skidded a few rocks in your direction. "Don't worry about that."

He never takes your anger seriously. "No James.  Tell me who-"

"WHY? Ya gonna go find em? Fight em?" He let out an honest laugh this time and slid his hands into his pockets. You back off. Even you can admit you're not beating up anybody that could kick his ass. "I just can't not see her, y/n... she's their sister."

That hurt you more than you'd care to admit. "But... what about me?" You sounded whiney. Much more needy than you intended to.

He scanned your face, his slowly filling with remorse. "...it's too dangerous right now."

You wipe a few hot tears from your cheeks. "Sooo, what? You're gonna keep this charade with her up for a few weeks and then dump her? Then she'll cry and they'll kick your ass again and either kill you or force you to make up with her." He clenched his jaw.

"Then you'll either keep repeating this shit over and over again until they get tired of you or you get married." You laughed at the thought. You didn't want to think of your Bucky in a literal shotgun wedding but the visual was hilarious.

"OR, heaven forbid, they wise up to..." You gesture vaguely to the space between the two of you. His eyes are filled with an emotion you can't name. It reads like stress. "and I'm just supposed to wait for you, right? Because you don’t actually like her. What happens to me when you start to change your mind?"

His chest is heaving, voice almost a whisper now. "I. Want. You. All I've ever wanted is you y/n... That's all I want."

The tears are streaming, you're not even trying to wipe them away anymore. How you're not standing in a puddle already you don't know.

"Then tell me right now Buck, what is more important to you? Me or what they think of you...?"

He swallows hard, his own tears starting to build. He isn't going to answer you and you know it. It's an easy question sure, but things aren't that simple. You're much more important to him, you alwayshave been, but what people know might get you both hurt.

"I can't- We... can't do this. Not right now. It's too much. It's too risky. They already think I'm crazy, that I'm scum for just hanging around all of you. Do you know what might happen to me if they find out about Us?  Do you know how we look together?"  You can see he Immediately felt bad for saying it. He knows he shouldn't have and that there's nothing they can do to him that would be worse than what they'd do to you.

Your shoulders drop. Now you’re whispering. "I think we look fine."

"That's not-I didn't mean it like..." shaking his head he kicks a garbage can behind him and runs his hands through his hair. You accept this silent apology. He feels like shit. This is frustrating and unfair, you both know that much.

You sniffle and kick your own rocks back towards him. You wanted to plead with him. To tell him everything would be okay. That you could run away together or that all this would be over soon. To tell him how much you want him too... but you've been so emotionally distraught over the past month there's nothing left for this moment when you really need it. Now you have a decision to make. You take a deep shaky breath and fight back the next wave of tears.

"Don't- I never existed." You start to readjust yourself to go back inside, wiping your face and smoothing your clothes.

"What?" He cocks his head to the side thinking he didn't hear you correctly; genuinely confused. Your poor sweet boy, your Bucky.

You take a long moment to stare at the ground and make sure this is what you really want. You straighten yourself up and plant your feet, looking him right in the eye. "Don't think of me ever again. Don't contact me. Don't remember me. Don't speak to me or my friends, anymore. As far as you're concerned, I'm a ghost. You never met me." You can feel yourself start shaking. It's a mixture of rage and anguish.

His eyes are blown wide, mouth hanging open. He heard you. He just doesn't believe it. You're in love. You're supposed to be in love. This isn't what loves looks like, what it feels like. You turn to open the door and return to your night out before either of you has a chance to change your mind. A wave of light filled with the sounds of silverware scraping on plates, people laughing, soft music. The gorgeous scent of fresh pie and hot coffee. The smells and sounds of the world you forgot to notice while you were lost in James Buchanan Barnes. You stop and turn back to him one last time before stepping inside. You can tell he's hoping for something more than what you just left him with. Your voice is already cracking.