❝  i. love. you.  i love you.  i don’t care who knows or-or who doesn’t like it.  i love you.  i don’t…..i can’t imagine loving anyone else…like this.  like i love you.  i think….i think you’re my soulmate, will.  you’re….i think we’re…meant to be together.  i don’t think anyone….anyone else could be as important to me.  i mean it.  ….i love you.  in this lifetime…and in every one after.   ❞

And liek... everything about him XD

Ok, so I kinda forgot to post about seeing the guys from hostboy's club last week. And just my luck, I think hostboy was there as well. I don't know for sure as I wanted us to just hurry up and get pass them without looking at them. But it was kinda shocking to see them out trying to get customers. Even the top guys were out there. And they have darker hair now. I really think we walked right passed hostboy...he saw me. But I'm not too sure as I didn't look up, kept looking away telling my friend we have to hurry away from here. I didn't want to see his face. And I didn't want to see any of the guys either.

Thank you very much for the sweet and kind words you had given me during the weekend. It really meant a lot to me and helped me to deal with everything that had happened. I was really hoping that things wouldn't had ended this way. I was hoping that he was going to prove me wrong but like always, the wrong guys never seem to man up to the levels of my expectation. And I actually gave him a chance...a few chances but things always ended wrongly. I guess it had to take all this time for me to see his true character. And let me tell you, even though I believed he was the perfect "eye-candy" he was truly beyond ugly inside. But I'm glad that it's truly over with him. And to some of the readers that was a bit upset about my "fuck host" comment, take it as it was meant to be. I was pissed off, just wrote the post like minutes after I stormed out the club. So keep that in mind. Yes we all know that not everybody is the same but at that time, my emotions was in complete control and I wrote exactly how I felt. Not all host guys are assholes. My tantou in Osaka is truly a sweet heart. And some of the other guys from hostboy's club is way nicer as well. One of them that always talk with me was the first to come and see if I was ok and had even picked up my bracelet after I ripped it apart. I don't know if I'm done with hosting. At the moment, I don't feel like being bother but I'm sure in a few weeks, I'll be somewhere with my girls doing shokai. Till than, break time for me.

Dating a host...I sometimes wonder if that's something I can handle, if it's something that I'm ready for. Sometimes I wonder if hostboy and I will reach that level. If we do get there, what would I do? I'm scare out my freakin mind to allow a host that close, to give him that much power over me. It scares me to see myself getting hurt again over someone that I trusted. And host guys are pretty hard to trust. Not all but most of them would use any means to reach their goals. Even if it means to pretend to like someone. This is why I can't trust hostboy. Even if he is being serious and honest about his feelings for me, the fact he's a host is making it hard for me to believe him. When I went back to shimei him at the new club, we actually had a serious talk about his feelings. And he didn't understand why I didn't believe him. Also he was disappointed by my lack of trust in him. Sigh, it's not easy haha, liking a host. I can't even tell him how I feel but I do care. I show it by going to his club haha. I don't spend much and that seem to be going well as hostboy doesn't try to get me to spend more. He actually does a lot of extra things for me. Maybe one day he will do something that will force me to believe in him. Till then, I'll just hold this inside from him.

So I had been debating about making this post. I sometimes don't post everything that goes on but I do feel that a update is needed. A lot had happened since my last post about hostboy. Actually, it goes a bit farer back then that. He can be nice when he wants to be but he is a real jerk at other times as well. My lack of Japanese doesn't make anything better as I'm having a hard time trying to not think in English...for those that are so quick to yell learn Japanese, it's not easy. But I'm still trying. Anyway, so the post I made about him not being my tantou anymore was made during the time when we stopped talking to each other. We hadn't talked to each other for almost two weeks. I was pissed off but I was also sad. But i didn't bother to write or think about him as he didn't look at my messages. Also something happened with his club and it shout down. So I was worry about that as well. Anyway, last week I got a message from him and he actually said sorry!! I was shocked. Kinda still am lol. But he explained to me what had happened and why he hadn't been able to use the internet during that time. I have to be honest, I was really worried. So when he actually wrote me, I was happy. I told him I wanted to come to his new club for shokai. Basically for the fact that it's a new club (and I wanted to see him) but I didn't want to shimei him as yet. I was nervous as hell because I really loved the old club and had to start all over again. But when I entered the club I noticed that the new club had everybody from the old club there. And they were happy to see me too ( it been a little over a month since I last saw them and hostboy) All of them came to my table to welcome me back and asked how I like their new club. Even the #1 came to talk to me. It was nice. And hostboy looked really good. I couldn't stop looking at him lmao. He's not suppose to sit next to me since it shokai but he kept on getting closer and closer till finally he was by my side just touching me. And in the elevator, we were all over each other haha. He always the one that start us off. And I just love his touch and feel. Yummy kisses haha. Ok sorry hahaha. Anyway, I stayed for 2 hours, I think or a bit longer. I did free time on shokai. So, it was really great to see hostboy again. I didn't shimei him that night. I did it the next night lol. I'll write about that in the next post.

Photog - R. Noguchi