#horrorscope

This Week’s Horrible-Scopes

It’s time for this week’s Horrible-Scopes! So for those of you that know your Astrological Signs, cool! If not, just pick one, roll a D12, or just make it up as you go along. 

Thanks to Babsiwuff ( https://bsky.app/profile/babsiwuff.bsky.social ) and KinkyTurtle ( https://bsky.app/profile/kinkyturtle.bsky.social ) we have a theme for this week! Actually it’s two competing themes; Babs wanted “Care Bears”, KT wanted “Potatoes”. Never let it be said that I’d shy away from a challenge, and the challenge is that I don’t know anything about the Care Bears. So with my coin flipper in hand, let’s see who gets what and which.

Aries 

You can thank Babs for your Care Bear; Shine Bright Bear! She first appeared as a plush toy in 2006 sporting cerise pink fur and a smiling yellow rising sun inside a purple heart. Officially she’s the "fashionista" of the Care Bear crew, believing that everyone should always put their best face forward. Unofficially Babs suggested that Shine Bright would bite anyone that doesn’t appreciate how you’d dress if you like how you look. So This Week… Appreciate having people around you who would bite someone who treats you poorly. 

Taurus 

You’ll get a Care Bear too - this time it’s Destiny Bear who debuted as a plush by “Basic Fun!” in 2023, so a relative youngster in the group. He’s got gold-sparkled red fur plus golden ears, nose, and paw hearts plus a yellow shield featuring a rainbow with a crowned heart on it. Nothing makes him more proud than seeing others confidently accomplish their dreams and he truly wants to be the one to have helped them get there. So This Week… Destiny Bear wants you to remember this: “You can be courageous and create your own destiny with imagination and determination!” Imagination is what sets you apart from those who can’t dream, so dream big.

Gemini 

The first Potato dish brings us, “Classic Beef Empanadas”. With ‘Beef’ in the title how can it be a potato dish? Good question! And the answer is… inclusion! Sure Empanadas are usually meat-filled, but why does it have to only be? Maybe it’s a garlic mashed potato base for the filling, or maybe tiny diced fried cubes mixed with the meat while browning? In any event you can just pop them into your face and savour them as a mid-day snack. So This Week… Some would eat them as-is or dip them like chips in salsa or guacamole. No matter what you pick just remember that you like them - and that’s the “Fun” in food you should have more often.

Cancer Moon-Child 

The next Care Bear in the collection will be… Bedtime Bear from the original ten Bears from American Greetings cards in 1982. Since then he’s appeared in nearly every incarnation of the franchise across movies, TV series, and toys. You’ll spot him with Aqua Blue fur, sporting a light blue crescent moon with a yellow star hanging from its top crest on his belly, even sometimes with a yellow and blue nightcap and slippers. During the day he’s usually groggy and sleepy, but at night he helps all get restful sleep and overcome fear of the dark. So This Week… There’s always a reason for everything - including why you got Bedtime Bear; because his astrological sign is “Cancer”. You share many traits with many others; some are even good. Cherish that, and don’t be afraid of the dark.

Leo 

Again, from the original ten Care Bears you’re getting Cheer Bear. You’ll spot her easily from her carnation pink fur and a Belly Badge with a rainbow arch. She’s a happy, perky bear who’s made it her goal to help everyone be as joyous as she is. Conversely he’s only sad when she can't lift someone's spirits - but that just means she has to try even harder, right? So This Week… What did we just say? You share your traits with others and Cheer Bear is also a Leo! Try to be happy, look for the good in events, even if you have to draw your vision farther forward than you’d normally.

Virgo

Back to the eating side, you’re getting “Buffalo Chicken and Roasted Potato Casserole”. Try to picture mixing the spiciness of Buffalo Chicken Wings and baked potatoes. Sure you could just get Wings and an order of fries, but then you’d be missing out on the cheese and sit-down fork-eating meal this turns into. So This Week… In Buffalo they’re just called “wings” and there’s a certain art to making them well. Here’s the secret: Real Butter and Frank’s Red Hot Sauce. Remember that - sometimes the stuff of legend is just a couple simple ingredients.

Libra

We’re about to make all the vegetarians very happy with this food: “Garden Stuffed Baked Potatoes”. They’re an excellent side dish that goes with any dinner or by themselves! If you like home gardening, you will love these. So This Week… Onion Salt, garlic powder, pepper: This is the holy trinity of making any potato great. If you can get actual onion and garlic in there all the better. But for the real presentation, use scallions. Most folks call them “Green Onions” but they’re really scallions. Remember that - it’ll come up again in about 3 months.

Scorpio 

Who knew the food section was going to be so divisive? This time we have “Tortilla Española” - and it’s so popular there are competitions around it. According to the council of Betanzos, competitors are only allowed to use potatoes, oil, egg, and salt. Trouble is there is a schism between those purists and those who would like to include onions! So This Week… You will find a way to cause a rift between groups through no fault of your own. Listen to who is saying what and just maybe you can help them come to an accord.

Sagittarius 

Your food was selected by KT specifically: “Potatoes au Gratin”. Very similar to Scalloped Potatoes, they’re a delicious combination of potatoes, onion, salt and pepper, butter and flour, milk, and cheese. Don’t forget a deep baking dish and a long, patient cook time. So This Week… It takes about 30 minutes to prepare before you have to wait for a cook time of 90 minutes. Get That - over 2 hours for Potato & Cheese Lasagna. Does it sound like it’s worth it for you? It should. Make some for yourself - and not from a box. You’re better than that.

Capricorn 

Our last dig-in dish will be “Scalloped Potatoes and Ham”. Just like before it’s still thin-slices of potato, cheese, milk, salt, pepper, and adding in ham. Not Bacon, Ham! And if you want to add a special kick, add some cayenne pepper or Jamaican Jerk Spice. So This Week… Just like the previous, your dish could easily be a main course instead of a side. Make it extra deep and test if it’s set like it was a cake. Or don’t. Maybe you like yours all slippy and slidey around on your plate. Who are we to judge? Have it your way.

Aquarius 

Well, we’re back to the Care Bears again, obviously, so you are getting Togetherness Bear. He was created as a plush by Basic Fun! in 2021. He’s got  rainbow fur in video appearances, hair is piped down, the plush is multi-pastel, Belly Badge is of a swirl that is shaped to form a heart and they have a lilac heart shaped blush with transparent star cut-outs in the center on their box art. So This Week… Togetherness Bear was supposed to be to personify togetherness, acceptance, inclusivity and loving what's unique about yourself. That’s right, everytime we’ve told you you were One in a Million - you’re not exactly THAT unique. Do you know how many millions of people there are out there? There’s like 300 of them, or… in the United States, so there’s like 300 of you types here in the.. So up your game!

Pisces  

The last Care Bear of this set goes to Wonderheart Bear. Introduced in 2012 she’s Tenderheart Bear’s 5 years old niece. She’s a cutie with dark pink fur and a Belly Badge with a light pink, yellow, and darker pink heart motif. As you’d expect of a cub of that age she’s naturally inquisitive, exploring the world with her uncle on one side and her stuffie “Floppy Bunny” on the other. So This Week… Even that young she’s already developed a catchphrase, “I Wonder…” And being that nearly everything in the world is new to her, maybe it’s good that she’s wondering about everything. Never lose that sense of wonder about somethings in the world. Go watch a magic show.

This Week’s Horrible-Scopes

It’s time for this week’s Horrible-Scopes! So for those of you that know your Astrological Signs, cool! If not, just pick one, roll a D12, or just make it up as you go along. 

Happy Summer, everypony! And since we’re deep in the center of it all, and we’ve still got some time before “Coyote vs Acme” releases, let’s give everycreature some Movie Homework until then. It’s not actually school season, this isn’t really “homework” in the traditional sense, but it’s worth doing. So get your Hollywood Video membership card out of mothballs and let’s see who gets what from the Top 100 Summer Blockbuster Movies !

Aries 

87 - 1978’s “Grease”. WOW! What to say about this movie that hasn’t been said before? Let’s start off with the opening song by Frankie Valli; He was 44 years old at the time, belting out falsetto high notes like he’d been doin’ it for decades… which, to be fair, he HAD been. And THEN during the lock-downs in 2020, at the age of 86 he re-recorded it in the original key! The man is a legend! So This Week… Go look up that 2020 performance of his, THEN re-watch the “Beauty School Dropout” segment of the movie. It’s too much fun to watch! And please do NOT look up “Grease 2”!

Taurus 

31 - 1994’s “Speed”. If we said we’d take Keanu Reeves, Dennis Hopper, and Sandra Bullock, put them into a thriller with a bus whose lineage HAD to have been The Bluesmobile, you’d think it’d have to be a comedy, right? Well, nope - ‘cause this time Hopper is an outlaw and maybe killer. So what changed that? Good question - but we STILL think that would have been a HELL of a comedy! So This Week… Pop quiz, hotshot! There's a bomb on a bus. Once the bus goes 50 miles an hour, the bomb is armed. If it drops below 50, it blows up. What do you do? What do you do? Well… what DO you do?

Gemini 

93 - 1991’s “Point Break”. Ok, first off let’s just appreciate the main stars in it, Keanu Reeves and Patrick Swayze - but exceptionally young, of course. The plot’s fairly easy to handle - it’s all about robbing banks… which was laughably easy compared to today. But the WHY of it, the philosophical reasoning for it… Well, that’ll take some going over. So This Week… You can watch the movie multiple times, you know. You don’t have to pause every single time they’re showing off the physiques they had back then. Plus “Slow-Mo” is a feature now, too. It’ll be the closest to Soft-Core Porn you’ve watched since you learned how to almost de-scramble the cable-box buttons

Cancer Moon-Child 

15 - 1988’s “Die Hard”. The First, The Best. John McClane, who let’s face it, is totally just trying out to be the lead in “Unbreakable” later. Walking on glass with cloth on his feet? Jumping out a high-rise window with a fire hose wrapped round his stomach? NYPD training? Yeah, right! So This Week… Go look up the musical group Guyz Nite and listen to the song, “Die Hard” from (2007). It’s a HELL of a romp!

Leo 

71 - 2017’s “Wonder Woman”. Where the 2nd TV appearance of Diana Prince & Wonder Woman was more curvaceous and feminine with Lynda Carter, Gal Gadot’s version is a more athletic, more trained warrior look that suits her personality so well. Her own self-discovery works in a way that truly feels she has the appreciation that she, herself, is a God Killer Weapon. So This Week… It was so sweet that she made an appearance in “SHAZAM” later… and that Lynda had a cameo in “Wonder Woman”. Maybe D.C. movies CAN do things right!

Virgo

66 - 2003’s “Barbie”. Look, say what you will about this movie, it’s just amazing to think that Margot Robbie wasn’t just the wholesome title character, but she’s also an amazingly limber and powerful Harley Quinn! We know actors are expected to become whatever role they take on, leaving whatever ones they had behind…. But, MAN! She did GOOD! So This Week… Hey, guys? If you think it’s easy for your romantic interest to wear high heels and fishnet stockings, you’re SO wrong! Buy some women’s size 16Wide 5-inch heels and fishnet knee-highs. You’ll learn how tender the balls of your feet actually are.

Libra

35 - 1999’s “The Sixth Sense”. First off, if I have to call out, “SPOILERS!” for this movie, then that’s on you. The whole, “I See Dead People” line’s become so iconically meme-ified that people completely forget how devastating it was to realize Bruce Willis’ character didn’t know he was one of those people. It was all clever visual blocking and timing and non-reactions that misdirected everyone like a Penn & Teller stage performance. So This Week… Seriously trying to come to grips with the moment he realizes his wife is just going through the motions as if he was still there but a disappointment to her… That’s just such a gut punch. Try to get through it without a tissue box.

Scorpio 

69 - 1986 “The Fly”. Some of you are wondering what this movie is all about and some of you are trying really hard not to retch. We feel for you all. Look, the premise is simple - if you create a system to teleport macroscopic things from one location to another, but a fly ends up in the teleportation matrix with you, bad things happen, ok? What’s worse is that it’s Jeff Goldblum getting slowly transformed with the fly’s DNA eating away at himself. So This Week… Look, if you’re a scientist and you test your creation on yourself, you’ve only got yourself to blame. PLUS.. seriously?! You didn’t have this whole thing packed into a clean room? Or tested it on, like, an orange?! Be smarter than that.  

Sagittarius 

6 - 1977’s “Star Wars” . There’s no need to do any lookup or research on this one. The original was the BEST version - and it wasn’t screwed with at first, and then right after it premiered George started screwing with it. We know it today as “Episode IV: A New Hope”, but back in the day that part wasn't in there. And we were OK with that. Rumors circulated about Darth Vader’s origins for the armour even back then - the whole volcano thing. And oddly that turned out to be right. Who Knew? So This Week… If you look hard enough you can find the original-original unspecialized version to download and watch. And it was FUN! Go watch it again!

Capricorn 

94 - 1984’s “Purple Rain” . We know some of you don’t give Prince the full accolades he deserves for his music, but the fact that he made a FILM and the soundtrack, and BOTH are still insanely popular says something about how successful he was. Sure most of his music is at its heart The Blues, but he kept making it different enough to not notice easily. So This Week… Try to name any Elvis movie that’s half as popular… or Madonna movie. See? It’s a worthy film to re-watch.

Aquarius 

32 - 2004’s “Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban”. Before we all realize how horrible a person J.K. is, the Potterverse was in full swing, adding more and more magical weaponry and creatures and shenanigans that boarding school students would get into. Except with the real possibility of being put into wizard prison. So This Week… The fact that THESE books have been made into movies, but not a single “XANTH” book has been is downright criminal! Someone get Piers Anthony on the line and find out what’s the hold up. He’s 91 now - let’s not try to pull a Mel Brooks here!

Pisces  

97 - 2018’s “BlackKklansman”. It starts off as a '70s crime thriller, but Spike Lee said, “Nope!”, made a hard left-hand turn and twisted the old “Good Guys Always Win” optimism with a hard-to-swallow reminder of just how gritty the times were then. So This Week… Ok, maybe this one isn’t for the single-digit age kids to watch. And maybe you’ll need to have extra pop corn on hand. But it’s still on this ranking for a reason. 

And a special Honourable Mention goes to every sign…. But you need to listen to the show to hear it... or just read the tags!

This Week’s Horrible-Scopes

It’s time for this week’s Horrible-Scopes! So for those of you that know your Astrological Signs, cool! If not, just pick one, roll a D12, or just make it up as you go along. 

We’re bringing back another Blast from the Past Horrible-Scope, taking us back to January 2023. That week we were asked for “Something Good and Something Bad” and with no rhyme or reason as to who it’ll be for. SO! With our nearly-trusty d20 in hand, let’s roll for attacks and see who rolls the Natural One.

Aries 

You rolled… a Ten. This gives you a disadvantage against your random encounter with… a Flying Snake. The GOOD is you know that it’ll attack from above. The BAD is, unless you were intentionally looking up, you’re about to be attacked by surprise. Hope you’re not the Healer of the group.

Taurus 

You rolled… a Sixteen. Since your random encounter is with a Giant Toad, the GOOD is you should be in relatively OK shape. Crouch down, put a shield in front of you and prepare to slit its belly with a dagger when it jumps over you. The BAD is… is it singing "The Michigan Rag"? 

Gemini  

You rolled… a Nineteen. And trust us, that’s a GOOD roll because your encounter is with a Dire Wolf! The GOOD thing you’ve got going for you is, it’s alone! They are fast, will try to knock you down, and might have more hit points than you do. You can pray to The Great God Murphy for three more rolls like that or this is going to be a short game. The BAD is… you’re praying to The Great God Murphy.

Cancer Moon-Child 

You rolled… an Eighteen. Just like Gemini you’re gunna need that because the BAD here is… you’ve just met a Lion! If you think backing up to get a better defensive position will help, you’re out of your mind!  With a 10-foot running start, the lion can long jump up to 25 feet. Your best bet is to charge into it and hope for a really, REALLY good crit roll. The GOOD is The Great God Murphy is still laughing his head off at Gemini so it won’t interfere with your next rolls.

Leo 

You rolled… a Seventeen. Which is, honestly, kind of a waste, which is the GOOD for you! You’re matched up with a Crab. One Crab. One silly little, two hit point, dumber than a bag of hammers that would squash it flat crab. The BAD here is… It’s not even worth killing so you can cook it up for food. Just let your wizard’s familiar kill it for the XP.

Virgo 

You rolled… a Six. Ewww.. Uhh, yeah. The BAD here is the news. You’re likely not going to enjoy all the gossip after this encounter. Your monster is… a Satyr. Yup. A goat-horned, loincloth wearin’, creature of hedonistic lust. Let’s all hope your Wisdom saving throws are good otherwise your party won’t see you ‘til the morning. The GOOD here is… Satyrs are experienced, so you shouldn’t be in any lingering pain.

Libra 

You rolled… a Thirteen. Not a great roll, but not the worst against a Harpy. Since they can sing to charm adventurers you might want to have the magic user cast “Silence” on the party - That’s the GOOD. Just remember - fireball will roast all its feathers and cause all kinds of havoc to it. Unfortunately that was the Mage’s only remaining spell slot, so that’s your BAD.

Scorpio 

You rolled… Ok, this is BAD. Ready? A Three. A freekin’ three?! Really!? You know what? Sure, fine. YOU get a Spider. ONE hit point of life force in it. Are you the Wizard of the group? Is your familiar still alive from the crab? That’s the GOOD here! Let it have this one too. 

Sagittarius 

You rolled… a Two. What the hey?! What is this, the Wil Wheaton Dice Curse happening here? Ok, well… Unlike the Giant Toad earlier, you get a Frog. Not a Giant Frog - just a normal, every day, make sure you don’t run over it with the lawn mower frog - That’s your GOOD. One hit point to it. Maybe if you kite the frog into the path of the spider they’ll fight each other first. If you do that you’ll have to clean up the entrails, so there’s your BAD.

Capricorn 

You rolled… an Eight. This might not end well for you. Let’s hope you’re on dry land ‘cause you’re going to need that advantage since your foe is a Merfolk. They are elegant underwater, and sure they can breathe air, but with only a tail instead of legs they’re kinda hobbled long-range, so that’s your GOOD for this encounter. Throw a bag of salt at them and hope the DM has a sense of humour…. We know how your DM is, though… so that’s a BAD.

Aquarius 

You rolled… an Eleven. Well, THIS is an overkill roll - which means for you it’s a GOOD. Rat. You got a rat. A simple, one hit point rat. You’re gunna need to kill it yourself since the wizard's familiar is just sick of your laziness at this point; and getting mocked and dismissed by a familiar is a humiliating BAD. Just kick it or something.

Pisces  

You rolled… a Four.  If two was a Frog and the three was a Spider; both with about one hit point each, then this roll has to be a GOOD for you, right? So say it with us now… “What’s The Worst Thing That Could Happen?” Congratulations, and here’s your BAD! Your random encounter is with… A Triceratops. Ninety-Five hit points, Fifty-Foot traveling speed, attacks to gore and trample… If your next roll isn’t a Nat-20, just burn your character sheet and call it a night. OH, and I’m afraid The Great God Murphy’s attention is completely operational.

It’s time for this week’s Horrible-Scopes! So for those of you that know your Astrological Signs, cool! If not, just pick one, roll a D12, or just make it up as you go along. 

Couple weeks ago we told you about some Summer Camps kids, and a handful of adults, could go to. Well, the first round of them have come back - and we’re taking you all out for ICE CREAM! So cover up that sun burn on your face and let’s see who gets what to enjoy… and by “Enjoy” we mean we’re rolling Percentile Dice against the Weird-O-Meter and seeing just how weird your scoops are gunna be.

Aries 

With a roll of “17”, not very weird, truth be told. So we’re getting you something that’s still classically Not-Weird, but still with a good amount of whimsy to it. Straight out of Iowa how about, “CHOCOLATE COVERED PRETZEL”? It’s a sundae of chocolate ice cream, some hot fudge, whipped cream, and sprinkled with chocolate-covered salted pretzels. Sounds delightful, no? So This Week… The sweet and salt and fat combination will do bad things for you in the summer heat. Be sure you drink all the water they bring over to your table.

Taurus 

We’re going WAY up the list for you because you rolled a “77” - so that takes us to a flavour sorta-popular in the great state of Michigan… “PLAY DOH”. Look, we didn't make it, YOU didn’t make it. Hell, neither Cold Stone Creamery nor Carvell  made it, but somebody does. And now you’ll get to re-experience your formative culinary years one more time. So This Week… What would you rather have: Play Doh ice cream or Play Doh perfume? Make up your mind ‘cause that scoop’s gettin’ AWFULLY CLOSE to that bucket of frozen banana flavoured stuff.

Gemini 

With a roll of “34”, we’re finding something that both works, but isn’t that common to find. And since we’re still on THIS side of that “50-50” split, it’ll be good. Let’s get you a chance to mix ice cream with MEAT! Specifically PORK… More Specifically… “BACON”! Bacon Ice Cream has several forms - usually as vanilla with bacon crumbles on the top. But, see, that’s just cheating as far as we care. Yours needs to be made with actual bacon through the whole freezing process. Bacon grease needs to help emulsify the whole experience PLUS add crumbled pieces in the main dish itself. So This Week… If you want to try this out for yourself, just make crispy bacon and sprinkle it on your bowl of vanilla. You’ll be a believer.

Cancer Moon-Child 

With a roll of “06”, there’s not much wiggle room for Weird right here. BUT, let’s see if we can get you something that’s common enough, but still fun. So how about… “TOLL HOUSE CAULK”? It’s not actual insulation, but it’s got a similar colour as a base. Picture an off-white vanilla with Toll House Cookie crumbled up into it? Not cookie dough, but actual baked cookie pieces. So This Week… The name sounds wrong, but it’s gunna be so good. Besides, remember how you used to make your own ice cream sandwiches at night as a kid? It’s just that, but open faced sandwich now.

Leo 

Well, this is kinda boring, but, ok. With a roll of “24” we’re making it interesting, but not really that strange. Say hello to a classic by any stretch of the term: “NEOPOLITIN ICE CREAM”. Sure it’s considered by many to be The Best Of The Worst, but come on now, you like two out of the three flavours, at least. So This Week… You know, if your dad hadn’t traumatized you with all those strawberries when you were a kid, you might actually like this combination. Maybe try it again and see if you do like it.

Virgo

Hanging out at number, “16”, the weird level is low, but still needs more fun to it. So how about mixing vanilla ice cream, fudge swirls, and peanut butter cups? That’s right, you’re getting, “MOOSE TRACKS”. As anyone knows, full-grown moose hooves are staggeringly large - roughly 12 and-a-half cm across, or 5 inches, or in other terms, How Big You Claim It Is. You lying liar. So This Week… So did you use that “My Boyfriend Is From England” line to snag a makeout session with the cute camper from Niagara Falls? Did it work? C’MON! Tell us! It’s gossip season! 

Libra

We’re still on this side of the Mid-Line, so with a roll of “44” it can’t be something too weird, obviously. So how about “RUM AND RAISIN”? Adding grapes to ice cream isn’t easy to do, but apparently raisins work far better - plus who doesn’t like adding rum to their dessert? So This Week… If you add more rum, like pour it on top, you can light it on fire, take a scoop, and pop it right into your mouth to scare everyone. Just be sure to do it right and don’t singe your eyebrows again. 

Scorpio 

Picking from a quarter of the way to the line of “Bad”, how about this one for you? Our choice from your “27” is only JUST weird enough… “CARROT CAKE ICE CREAM”. Sure you can find Birthday Cake or Wedding Cake ice creams (HI, Cold Stone!), but this one crossed the line into “Ice Cream vs tubers”... and let’s be clear, “Sweet Potato Casserole Ice Cream” is a thing out there too. So This Week… Just when you think things are fun enough, there’s a little sliver of “What was that?” in there. Be on the look-out for that.

Sagittarius 

With a roll of “30” we need something kinda out there a bit, but also interesting enough to make you sit up and take notice. So for you we’re getting “LEMON POPPY SEED MUFFIN”, and we hear you already. Look, think about this a minute - it’s not a bad combination! Haven’t you put butter on these muffins already? It ain’t bad - you’re just adding more sweet than before is all. So This Week… Even if you can’t find any place that sells this flavour, try making it on your own. But use Good Quality French Vanilla! Don’t half-ass this.

Capricorn 

We’re being nice and swapping Aquarius’ ice cream with yours. And since you rolled an “84”, this works well. You’re getting “WASABI ICE CREAM”. Ok, look! We know! But, ok, look… It’s not as bad as you might think! It delivers heat and sweet all at once, it’s got the milk-fat so it won’t stay on your taste buds for long and… HEY! It qualifies as “Weird”, right? So This Week… When was the last time you went out for dinner? Treat yourself to something special - not “Wendy’s” special, like Japanese Steak House special. You’ve more than earned it.

Aquarius 

Honestly, we were afraid this was going to happen - and honestly this was NOT our choice! You rolled… a “92”. (*LONG SIGH*) Well, nothing to do but move on through this one. After looking for some of the more “weird” flavours we’ve come to the conclusion that we need to MAKE you a weird one. And HOW weird is it? So weird that we're giving you A CHOICE! You can take what’s behind Door Number One: TIRAMISU ICE CREAM! Take the best dessert you can find, make sure it has extra Amaretto, blend it together, then freeze it into a delicious double-scoop bowl with a side-order of demitasse coffee! =OR= You take what’s behind Door Number Two. So This Week… For those of you who chose Door Two you get… CANOLLI ICE CREAM! Reformulated to not be hard as concrete once it’s frozen, your ice cream dish comes with orange zest and dark chocolate shavings across the top. Ask nicely and we’ll even include broken cannoli shells for dipping after it warms up. 

Pisces  

Ok, first off… “NICE!” You rolled “69”, and again this was NOT our idea. And since we need to go kinda high on the Weird-O-Meter you’re getting something that… Well… How does “MOUNTAIN DEW AND DORITOS” sound? Yeah, we’re not really sure about this one ourselves. BUT.. it’s a real flavour and is sold, so.. It can’t be all bad, right? So This Week… Make this an On Stream Game Challenge; If you complete a task quickly enough you get to eat it while it’s still frozen! If you don’t… well… Dew & Doritos Ice Cream slurry to drink. Good Luck.

It’s time for this week’s Horrible-Scopes! So for those of you that know your Astrological Signs, cool! If not, just pick one, roll a D12, or just make it up as you go along. 

Thanks to “Golden Gate Blond” on BlueSky, we’ve been inspired to pass on some imaginative, adorable, unreasonable expressions for the deadly animal that’ll be all cute and cozy with you. They originally posted a video showing someone petting on the head of a spotted wild cat with the caption, “SNORFLE THE MURDERCAT” ( https://bsky.app/profile/goldengateblond.bsky.social/post/3mpaag7n3ck2s ), and the replies just paint themselves. So THANK YOU to all the people who replied to that video for some of the greatest confessions we’ve ever read.

Aries 

“ShoutingBoy” started off by using the oft-cited meme, “If not friend, why friend-shaped?” The best part about this one is it’s true. Big cats aren’t very different from domesticated cats - they’re just Ultra Sized, along with their appetites. So This Week… The best way to protect yourself from Big Cat Attacks in the wild is to bring along a pop-up box they can climb into. It may not work for all cats, but they’ll check it out sooner or later.

( https://bsky.app/profile/shoutingboy.bsky.social/post/3mpaapwtags2f )

Taurus 

“ErikaHall” also commented, “All cats are murder cats”. Though technically true, this still helps us to appreciate that the smaller, domestic varieties, are only truly dangerous to animals approximating their own size. So humans are in the “Generally Safe” category. So This Week… You know that “Generally” word there? It doesn’t say, “Always”. It’s not even trying to get close to “Always”. Because there are videos of cats taking on Far Bigger Enemies and winning! Think about the match-ups between a cat and a Brown Bear or an Alligator or a snake. Cats tend to win more often. Keep that spirit of winning alive. 

( https://bsky.app/profile/erikahall.bsky.social/post/3mpaajbioak2t ).

Gemini 

“Adam”, aka “Parlath”, said, “I will pet him and squeeze him and name him George” - which shows an amazing Tip Of The Hat to the old Looney Tunes character “Hugo the Abominable Snowman” from 1961. The fact that this line is recognizable 65 years later says those old script writers knew what they were doing. So This Week… You want to come up with something that’s still relevant and captures the collective consciousness of people? Do your research and watch The Bugs Bunny Show! It’s a classic for a reason! 

( https://bsky.app/profile/parlath.bsky.social/post/3mpabh6lnps2v )

Cancer Moon-Child 

“Janzelli” aka “Puns Intended” replied with a graphic showing a minimalized outline of a cat and the text saying, “Respect The Deathblades”. We wholeheartedly agree - if you don’t respect them your hubris will teach you humility. So This Week… Doesn’t matter what you call them - Deathblades, Murder Mittens, or Razorbeans, they all function the same way… to let you do a blood typing experiment on yourself like you did in high school biology. Remember what that was like when you asked your parents about THEIR blood types? Good Times, right? Don’t get upset if you ask a question and didn’t like the answer. 

( https://bsky.app/profile/punsintended.net/post/3mpaaw5wbic22 )

Leo 

“Crutnacker” responded with, “Snorfles are always appreciated.” Sadly we have to disagree. Having known a few Meow-Machines we can say with great certainty that each little domestic terrorist has a “Murder Button” hidden somewhere on their person. This button is mobile, relocatable, may have a delayed START, but will, at no notice at all, show that not ALL Snorfles are appreciated. So This Week… Even when cats are asleep the Murder Button is active. Do Not Touch The Murder Button!

( https://bsky.app/profile/crutnacker.bsky.social/post/3mpajgjyp7c2v ) 

Virgo

“Bette Davis Side-eyes” aka “jaciem” commented with, “I would die trying to be the big spoon.” Considering how big and cuddly and warm that cat looked to be, it’s very likely that sooner or later you’d be The Big Spoon… the big, back-of-the-head sandpaper-tongue licked Big Spoon. So This Week… We’re not harshing your yum on this one. That big-ole Death Floof looks just like some near life-sized stuffed animals that you can buy to this day. But somehow the idea of being suddenly covered by a super-heated extra-heavy weighted blanket in the middle of sleep just sounds… Ok, we want to try this out too! Danger or not!

( https://bsky.app/profile/jaciem.blacksky.app/post/3mpakt6erfs2r )

Libra

“Luna” aka “lunalore” said, “*Me, holding the bloody stump where my arm used to be* - No I didn’t try to pet the MurderCat why do you ask???” Oh, Luna, we see right through your web of lies. Did you think we wouldn’t notice how docile that MurderCat suddenly became? Almost like they’d gotten their semi-daily meat intake a day early, hmm? So This Week… Again, we don’t want to Harsh your Yum, but trying to become the next Rick Allen isn’t going to work out well for you. You don’t even like Def Leopard, do you?

( https://bsky.app/profile/lunalore.bsky.social/post/3mpaamvkync2j )

Scorpio 

“Moi c’est Glenn” aka “Oldest 40 Year Old” said, “Are you allowed to stop once you have started?” It would seem the clear consensus is, “No.” So This Week… The Internet has also agreed on a simple answer to a seemingly complicated question once before - but with a two-word answer. The question was, “Can I clean my boyfriend’s salt lamp in the dish washing machine?” The overwhelming answer was, “Yes…… Once.” Learn to be that simple and direct. Your voluminous vocabulary will be superfluous to achieving your proscribed goals this half-fortnight. 

( https://bsky.app/profile/oldest40yearold.bsky.social/post/3mpab4jksrs23 ).

Sagittarius 

“Luigi-Scardoffi” commented with a picture depicting a giant octopus of some variety with the caption reading, “I’m going to die trying to pet something that I shouldn’t.” Honestly that’s just complete B.S. Who said you shouldn’t pet the thing? Or snuggle the whoziwhats? Or Make Out with a Protogen? It’s your life to expend however you feel best suited to. So This Week… OH! Right, protogens, right-right. Ok, so, you know how some people think computers are alive, but they really aren’t? Well, Protogens prove that they’re right! Go make out with one today! And bring your USB-A connection cables. They’ll thank you for them in the morning.

( https://bsky.app/profile/luigi-scardoffi.bsky.social/post/3mpam7z55p22n )

Capricorn 

“Macfixer” aka “madeon” said, “I saw ‘Snorfle the Murdercat’ at Coachella in 2012, they played an awesome set on the main stage.” You know, we weren’t paying attention to Coachella in ‘12, so we had to have missed that performance. Hope everyone had a great time at it and the swag table was fully staffed. So This Week… Not everyone can be a big star in a band, and being support is Good Enough… like working the Swag Table, or playing Bass. You’re all important in your own way. Be proud of that!

( https://bsky.app/profile/madeon.li/post/3mpbjyxo35s2d )

Aquarius 

“Sorican” said something that gave us all an interesting perspective, and one that questions all our convictions… “It’s not murder if everyone consents!” Now, we’re not exactly sure how this would work, but the logic SEEMS to hold. Maybe. So This Week… Remember folks, “Sane, Safe, and Consensual" is an important rule of life, so abide by it. Just don’t look up where the expression comes from while on a Work-Owned device or network.

( https://bsky.app/profile/sorican.bsky.social/post/3mpaugsvkes2c )

Pisces  

Paul Roberts aka “pwroberts” has a thought that has absolutely confounded and terrified us. QUOTE… “I always wish our lazy ass paleo ancestors had domesticated big cats and full size bears and moose. Can you imagine? Half-ton cuddly fur friends would be so great to have.” ….Ok, look. Moose have evolved into the meandering 2nd-story-tall behemoths that you could drive under if they stopped on the highway to take a piss with barely any interference from humanity directing it. As it stands they run at speeds of up to 35 mph (56kph) and swim at 6 mph (5-and-a-quarter knots) for up to two hours, can then dive 20 feet (6 meters) deep for almost a full minute, and are decidedly disinterested in humans unless you piss them off. If you think Domesticated Moose is a good idea, you’re NUTS! So This Week… HAVE YOU NOT LEARNED ANYTHING FROM JURRASIC PARK?! =NO!=

( https://bsky.app/profile/pwroberts.bsky.social/post/3mpaifvkhic2r )

It’s time for this week’s Horrible-Scopes! So for those of you that know your Astrological Signs, cool! If not, just pick one, roll a D12, or just make it up as you go along. 

With the discussions about so-called “A.I.”, short for “Artificial Intelligence”, maybe it’s time we talk about what those systems are and who gets which one to consider. Now please understand that not all of these systems are bad, some are good. Remarkable, even… and… what’s that? Why, yes - we ARE blinking a little more often than normal. It’s.. uhm.. Dry today. No other reason. Why do you ask? Do you know Morse Code?

Aries 

From the TV series, “Buck Rogers in the 25th Century” you’re not getting a single device, but a whole load of them. From Earth's Computer Council and one of Earth's leading scientists, Dr. Theopolis. These sentient computers were given political control of Earth after humanity so horribly bungled itself with a nuclear holocaust. So This Week… You know, if you just use statistics to decide how New Chicago could thrive long-term, it could work out pretty well… assuming you’re part of the statistic that gets to live in the city.

Taurus 

Around this same time frame we also have 1979’s movie “The Black Hole” and V.I.N.CENT. which stands for “Vital Information Necessary CENTralized Labor Force-396” which is a hell of a mouthful, ain’t it? Vincent worked on the USS Palomino and, somehow, was able to use “Mental Telepathy” with one of the Palomino’s crew - which opens a whole can of questions. So This Week… If you think about it, you’re just a hallucination operating a meat-armoured skeleton. Maybe Vincent has a biological brain under his metal cap. Or maybe the script writers just wanted a paycheck. Who Knows?

Gemini 

It might not seem it, but in the original Star Trek series it could be argued that the Enterprise, for a short while, was sentient. In the episode, “The Ultimate Computer” while under the operation of the new “M-5 Multitronic System” for simulated war games. Problem is the M-5 thought it was a real conflict and killed about 500 crewmen across several starships. Once it was shown to be in conflict with it primary purpose, that of saving lives, it shut itself down - basically committing suicide. So This Week… You have the ability to choose for yourself what your primary mission should be. There’s basically no limit to what it might be, but we’ll give you one goal at least…. Don’t Be A Dick.

Cancer Moon-Child 

Another movie, this time “War Games” with a young Mathew Broderic, and his OOPSIE modem call into W.O.P.R. (War Operation Plan Response). Just like with the M-5, WOPR didn’t realize the game it was playing, “Global Thermonuclear War”, was real at first, but it started to learn at an amazing rate, which would seem a prerequisite for the "intelligence" part of "Artificial Intelligence”. After thinking about the permutations of how the game plays out it finally concluded, “The Only Winning Move Is Not To Play.” So This Week… It’s kinda true. Don’t start a fight in a bar knowing everyone will get involved. Kinda like World War I - it’ll just turn into a dog pile filled with perfectly cooked frozen pizzas. 

Leo 

Science Fiction Movies tend to show up on this list a lot because of the massive budgets they have to show things. Having lots of money and time to spend gives us new ideas to play through, and one of them is a stuck-up prissy little cantankerous golden statue. From the Star Wars universe we give you the “C-Series Protocol Droids”. C-3P0’s stated purpose was for “etiquette and translation”, with a stated repertoire of over six million forms of communication. The fact that he was able to communicate and converse with main characters and NPCs alike isn’t the interesting part. The fact that he could lie is! So This Week… If you’re going to lie, don’t make it a big one, and don’t make it a singular one. Make it a series of little ones, just enough to make sure every little step is plausible enough. Do that and you’ll get away with everything. 

Virgo

The Disney-Distributed movie, “Flight of the Navigator” gives us the spaceship-AI, “Max”. It’s got amnesia, somehow, due to a screwed up time-travel / warp-speed journey to Earth, but needs the kid he transported to share the info in his brain to fix himself. It’s weird and wild and kinda makes you wonder what’ll happen to Max after it’s experienced human emotions before flying home to Phaelon. So This Week… “See Ya Later, Navigator!” Ah! Paul Ruben’s Pee-Wee-Esque voice never gets old. Kinda glad he didn't have a speaking role in “Batman Returns”. Find YOUR voice by staying silent and just watching.

Libra

One of the first “chatterbots”, if not THE first, was created in the mid 1960’s at MIT, imagine that. Clocking in at an original file size of… wait a second… 420 Lines of Code? What’s that even MEAN?! How many Megabytes is tha…. Oh, wait.. We’re talking Kilobytes of data only. And it runs in a 16Kilobyte Memory chunk?! So This Week… Eliza and DOCTOR might be able to help you feel less shut in if you’re sick at home. Grab the source code from The Internet Archive and see what you get out of it.

Scorpio 

One of the most impassioned philosophical questions regarding the question of “Is This Alive” comes to us from Star Trek The Next Generation and Captain Picard. In a court arguing that Commander Data has rights he argued, and we’re taking some small liberties with the script here…. “What is Data? ‘A machine’? Are you sure? He's met two of your three criteria for sentience, so what if he meets the third, ‘consciousness’, in even the smallest degree? What is he then? I don't know. Do you? Well, that's the question you have to answer.” So This Week… Tackle the big questions with smaller examinations and discoveries. Follow the trail of answers to wherever they lead and learn something truly mind-enhancing.

Sagittarius 

How sophisticated does A.I. need to be for it to be considered “Alive”? Let’s take you as far from Commander Data as we can - The PONG ball. It might, itself, be sentient, but unable to affect its world. The Universe it inhabits has no gravity, so it floats, it ricochets off walls, and its only escape from this constant attack of player-operated walls is for someone to miss, sending it into oblivion. And then, in a sadistic twist of fate, a new ball is created with the same parameters and desire to just End It All Now… maybe… So This Week… Hypothetically this isn’t really possible to happen. After all, one cannot simply pay a quarter and magically manifest a sentient creature for someone to play with over and over again, right? ….right?.

Capricorn 

A complete oversight on our part here at Scopes Central, we need to include 2001’s “HAL 9000”. Because when you absolutely, positively have to induce psychosis in an A.I. by forcing it to contend with diametrically conflicting orders, you call on an I.B.M. stand-in to give it the gravitas it deserves. So This Week… Kubrick was never given the budget he needed to film on location around Saturn, and that’s probably all for the best. If you get the budget you ask for, something’s wrong. Work WELL under-budget so you can pay for pizza after your new project’s over.

Aquarius 

Apparently there’s the uber-creepy, hellaciously weird A.I. in something called “Amazing world…” OH! Ok, it’s called, “The Amazing Digital Circus”! And there’s this character called “Caine”, it looks like? Look, we don’t know anything about it, but we expect you do. We look at the character and all we see is the clacking wind-up teeth the Joker dropped on the ground in 1989’s Batman movie. So This Week… Look, it’s easy to break an A.I. - just ask it to solve for Pi. Then when it tells you a numerical answer, tell it you meant cherry pie, then go back to numbers until it gives up.

Pisces  

CHA-CHA-CHA, CHACHA! CHA-CHA-CHA, CHACHA! The year is 1984 and the first hyper-intelligent learning neural computer system arrives like a gift from the future. SKYNET’s T-800 is here to help humanity fulfil its temporal destiny. Except that means the Terminators are all coming from parallel time lines that otherwise don’t really exist. And you’d think Skynet should have figured that part out by now, right? So This Week… You want to understand temporal mechanics but don’t want to invest in learning who Heisenberg was? It’s easy.. All realities are possible, all are equally valid, and there’s a version of you out there that is far more successful than you are. Just sayin’. So shoot higher!

It’s time for this week’s Horrible-Scopes! So for those of you that know your Astrological Signs, cool! If not, just pick one, roll a D12, or just make it up as you go along. 

If you’ve been paying attention to the last few ‘Scopes you’ve seen there’s been a bit of a running theme recently - CARTOONS! By the time this one is out there for everypony to read, the Second Life Birthday Party will be in Full Swing, and part of it will be a Saturday Morning Cartoon Theme Event. And your presenters will be dressed appropriately for the cavalcade of chaos. So for your ‘Scopes we’re pressing SHUFFLE-PLAY on a newly-filtered collection of Cartoon Themes and seeing who gets what. So get your Sugar-Frosted Choco-Bombs ready to eat and.. HEY! Cereal First, Milk Second, and no Orange Juice! We have standards here, you know. 

Aries 

Talk about a classic! We’re starting off with 1973’s “Speed Buggy”, a super-weird Scoobie-Doo knockoff with three humans and one sentient dune buggy. It’s one of a huge number of rip-offs, all from the same main company too. And the voice of Speed Buggy? You know who that is. So This Week… That voice is none other than The Man Of 1,000 Voices, Mister Mel Blanc. He created that voice, live, on The Jack Benny Radio Shows back in 1937! Keep a look out for old, OLD ideas and how you might be able to use it in crafting something new! 

Taurus 

Oh, OOPS! Looks like a Web-Tune Series made its way into the collection. Guess we’ll play the ball where it lies on this one. From the show, “Helluva Boss” you’ve been selected to get, “2 Minutes Notice”; A song as performed by Fizzarolli explaining why he’s quitting the show Right Now. Well, once the song is over, anyway. So This Week… If you’re looking to make an exit from a job you really hate, that’s sucking the life out of you, and you still want to make a clear statement to everyone how you feel, just pack up all your stuff at the end of the work week, but leave a Red Swingline Stapler on your desk. But have the new job lined up in advance! 

Gemini 

Jumping WAY back to 1968 you’ve been gifted a weird one - a cartoon adaptation of the movie, which was a POOR adaptation of the novel, “Fantastic Voyage” by Isaac Asimov. We don’t know what he thought of the cartoon series where people are shrunk to microscopic sizes to combat national threat enemies, but… well… it was all kinds of trippy. So This Week… If you’re shrunk to microscopic levels, how long do you think it would take you to fly across a small room? Don’t try to make heads or tails of these questions - you’ll just hurt yourself.

Cancer Moon-Child 

You all remember the Cartoons for “Peanuts”, like all the holiday specials on CBS? Well you’re not getting the main theme, but instead a specific winter track called, “Skating”. It’s a light-weight, breezy, jazzy piece that only really needs a trio or quartet to entertain a whole room full of partygoers. So This Week… If you have to do a Group Project for the summer, try to work with only four people. It’s easier to split a large pizza that way.

Leo 

There’s been a bunch of cartoons with a similar premise, like “Dyno-Mutt Dog Wonder”, but you’re getting the inferior human remake, “Inspect Gadget”. Yes he got a movie… or two if we’re being incredibly generous. But that’s not the weirdest part about this whole idea, because you also had “Automan”... and that’s STILL not the worst connection. So This Week… We’re going to warn you NOT to do this, but we know you - you’ll do it anyway. Do NOT look up a 70’s Buddy-Cop Series called, “Holmes & Yoyo”. It was…. Bad. Don’t come bitchin’ to us about how bad this was. You Were Warned. 

Virgo

When you want a voice like Paul Lynde, most famously from Hollywood Squares, and you want him for a cartoon series, you should pay the man, right? Well they didn't bother, got someone to TRY to sound like him, and now we got “Samurai pizza cats” What’s the premise of the show? No idea. The disconnect from the original Japanese Show and the Americanized one makes “Battle of the Planets” look like Shakespearean Opera compared to “Gatchaman”. So This Week… When you need things done right, like translations, don’t rely on Automated Translation Services. Hire someone who actually knows what they’re talking about, and pay them WELL! 

Libra

You want to stand for Truth, Justice, and Peace for all Mankind, but most of your team is an alien, how’s that working out for you. Before anyone starts getting upset, this is canonically true! Your cartoon series is, “The World’s Greatest Super Friends” - the first followup to “Superfriends”, meaning they replaced Wendy, Marvin, and Wonder Dog with Zan, Jayna, and Gleek, the Wonder Twins! The only actual non-aliens in the Hall of Justice were Batman and Robin! So This Week… Anyone ever wonder what languages should have been represented there? English, Themescarian, Atlantean, Kryponian, plus whatever Zan and Jayna spoke. And that damned Space Monkey… HE SPOKE LIKE A POKEMON! Prove me wrong!

Scorpio 

Another Cartoon from the 70’s, another import that was butchered Japanese ‘toon. And the worst part of this is how few people appreciate it! Your cartoon series is, “Voltron Defender of the Universe” aka “The One With The Black Lion That Constantly Changes Size With Nobody Noticing” That was also known as Voltron I, but there were Three series! The third was the Three Centurion Robots that merged their bodies into one 6-armed Machop. So This Week… You can either agree that Vehicle Voltron was the best of all, or be wrong. There will be No Questions… and the toys were the BEST for this one!

Sagittarius 

The main theme for “Scooby Doo Where Are You?” is iconic! It’s been the basis for so many sequels that we’ve lost track… but this isn’t your track. Nope, this time it’s a background track called, “Jinkies”. Yes, all the backgrounds are available to listen to on YouTube if you go hunting just a little. And the names are just perfect. So This Week… Yes, there was even a track specifically for the Hallway Door Chase Scenes. If you think you’re trying to catch something that elusive, just stop and let the solution come to you.

Capricorn 

The guy who sang the “Senses” song from Animaniacs, a one Rob Paulson, just LOVES singing at conventions he’s invited to. You remember the song and one of the most famous is “Yakko’s Nations of the World” - which has been updated over the years. So This Week… The Senses song got it right the first time, though. A sense of Dread? Of Ballance? Of Time? They were masterful! Be that good and get it right the first time.

Aquarius 

This one came through the collection errantly, but we’ll be damned if we’ll stop it. The song comes from the fan-video, “Luna’s Banashment (Deep Edition)”, but the song in question is “Mary France” by Jean-Jacques Perrey. It’s an all electronic song made with actual analogue synthesizers! So This Week… With only three sound forms you can get all KINDS of music out of those synths. Try it sometime!

Pisces  

We’ll make this one simple… “Pepper Ann” from Disney! –That is all. So This Week.. Do you remember this one? We don’t either. So.. just keep doin’ what you’re doin’. You’re fine.