#horrorscope

It’s time for this week’s Horrible-Scopes! So for those of you that know your Astrological Signs, cool! If not, just pick one, roll a D12, or just make it up as you go along. 

Couple weeks ago we told you about some Summer Camps kids, and a handful of adults, could go to. Well, the first round of them have come back - and we’re taking you all out for ICE CREAM! So cover up that sun burn on your face and let’s see who gets what to enjoy… and by “Enjoy” we mean we’re rolling Percentile Dice against the Weird-O-Meter and seeing just how weird your scoops are gunna be.

Aries 

With a roll of “17”, not very weird, truth be told. So we’re getting you something that’s still classically Not-Weird, but still with a good amount of whimsy to it. Straight out of Iowa how about, “CHOCOLATE COVERED PRETZEL”? It’s a sundae of chocolate ice cream, some hot fudge, whipped cream, and sprinkled with chocolate-covered salted pretzels. Sounds delightful, no? So This Week… The sweet and salt and fat combination will do bad things for you in the summer heat. Be sure you drink all the water they bring over to your table.

Taurus 

We’re going WAY up the list for you because you rolled a “77” - so that takes us to a flavour sorta-popular in the great state of Michigan… “PLAY DOH”. Look, we didn't make it, YOU didn’t make it. Hell, neither Cold Stone Creamery nor Carvell  made it, but somebody does. And now you’ll get to re-experience your formative culinary years one more time. So This Week… What would you rather have: Play Doh ice cream or Play Doh perfume? Make up your mind ‘cause that scoop’s gettin’ AWFULLY CLOSE to that bucket of frozen banana flavoured stuff.

Gemini 

With a roll of “34”, we’re finding something that both works, but isn’t that common to find. And since we’re still on THIS side of that “50-50” split, it’ll be good. Let’s get you a chance to mix ice cream with MEAT! Specifically PORK… More Specifically… “BACON”! Bacon Ice Cream has several forms - usually as vanilla with bacon crumbles on the top. But, see, that’s just cheating as far as we care. Yours needs to be made with actual bacon through the whole freezing process. Bacon grease needs to help emulsify the whole experience PLUS add crumbled pieces in the main dish itself. So This Week… If you want to try this out for yourself, just make crispy bacon and sprinkle it on your bowl of vanilla. You’ll be a believer.

Cancer Moon-Child 

With a roll of “06”, there’s not much wiggle room for Weird right here. BUT, let’s see if we can get you something that’s common enough, but still fun. So how about… “TOLL HOUSE CAULK”? It’s not actual insulation, but it’s got a similar colour as a base. Picture an off-white vanilla with Toll House Cookie crumbled up into it? Not cookie dough, but actual baked cookie pieces. So This Week… The name sounds wrong, but it’s gunna be so good. Besides, remember how you used to make your own ice cream sandwiches at night as a kid? It’s just that, but open faced sandwich now.

Leo 

Well, this is kinda boring, but, ok. With a roll of “24” we’re making it interesting, but not really that strange. Say hello to a classic by any stretch of the term: “NEOPOLITIN ICE CREAM”. Sure it’s considered by many to be The Best Of The Worst, but come on now, you like two out of the three flavours, at least. So This Week… You know, if your dad hadn’t traumatized you with all those strawberries when you were a kid, you might actually like this combination. Maybe try it again and see if you do like it.

Virgo

Hanging out at number, “16”, the weird level is low, but still needs more fun to it. So how about mixing vanilla ice cream, fudge swirls, and peanut butter cups? That’s right, you’re getting, “MOOSE TRACKS”. As anyone knows, full-grown moose hooves are staggeringly large - roughly 12 and-a-half cm across, or 5 inches, or in other terms, How Big You Claim It Is. You lying liar. So This Week… So did you use that “My Boyfriend Is From England” line to snag a makeout session with the cute camper from Niagara Falls? Did it work? C’MON! Tell us! It’s gossip season! 

Libra

We’re still on this side of the Mid-Line, so with a roll of “44” it can’t be something too weird, obviously. So how about “RUM AND RAISIN”? Adding grapes to ice cream isn’t easy to do, but apparently raisins work far better - plus who doesn’t like adding rum to their dessert? So This Week… If you add more rum, like pour it on top, you can light it on fire, take a scoop, and pop it right into your mouth to scare everyone. Just be sure to do it right and don’t singe your eyebrows again. 

Scorpio 

Picking from a quarter of the way to the line of “Bad”, how about this one for you? Our choice from your “27” is only JUST weird enough… “CARROT CAKE ICE CREAM”. Sure you can find Birthday Cake or Wedding Cake ice creams (HI, Cold Stone!), but this one crossed the line into “Ice Cream vs tubers”... and let’s be clear, “Sweet Potato Casserole Ice Cream” is a thing out there too. So This Week… Just when you think things are fun enough, there’s a little sliver of “What was that?” in there. Be on the look-out for that.

Sagittarius 

With a roll of “30” we need something kinda out there a bit, but also interesting enough to make you sit up and take notice. So for you we’re getting “LEMON POPPY SEED MUFFIN”, and we hear you already. Look, think about this a minute - it’s not a bad combination! Haven’t you put butter on these muffins already? It ain’t bad - you’re just adding more sweet than before is all. So This Week… Even if you can’t find any place that sells this flavour, try making it on your own. But use Good Quality French Vanilla! Don’t half-ass this.

Capricorn 

We’re being nice and swapping Aquarius’ ice cream with yours. And since you rolled an “84”, this works well. You’re getting “WASABI ICE CREAM”. Ok, look! We know! But, ok, look… It’s not as bad as you might think! It delivers heat and sweet all at once, it’s got the milk-fat so it won’t stay on your taste buds for long and… HEY! It qualifies as “Weird”, right? So This Week… When was the last time you went out for dinner? Treat yourself to something special - not “Wendy’s” special, like Japanese Steak House special. You’ve more than earned it.

Aquarius 

Honestly, we were afraid this was going to happen - and honestly this was NOT our choice! You rolled… a “92”. (*LONG SIGH*) Well, nothing to do but move on through this one. After looking for some of the more “weird” flavours we’ve come to the conclusion that we need to MAKE you a weird one. And HOW weird is it? So weird that we're giving you A CHOICE! You can take what’s behind Door Number One: TIRAMISU ICE CREAM! Take the best dessert you can find, make sure it has extra Amaretto, blend it together, then freeze it into a delicious double-scoop bowl with a side-order of demitasse coffee! =OR= You take what’s behind Door Number Two. So This Week… For those of you who chose Door Two you get… CANOLLI ICE CREAM! Reformulated to not be hard as concrete once it’s frozen, your ice cream dish comes with orange zest and dark chocolate shavings across the top. Ask nicely and we’ll even include broken cannoli shells for dipping after it warms up. 

Pisces  

Ok, first off… “NICE!” You rolled “69”, and again this was NOT our idea. And since we need to go kinda high on the Weird-O-Meter you’re getting something that… Well… How does “MOUNTAIN DEW AND DORITOS” sound? Yeah, we’re not really sure about this one ourselves. BUT.. it’s a real flavour and is sold, so.. It can’t be all bad, right? So This Week… Make this an On Stream Game Challenge; If you complete a task quickly enough you get to eat it while it’s still frozen! If you don’t… well… Dew & Doritos Ice Cream slurry to drink. Good Luck.

It’s time for this week’s Horrible-Scopes! So for those of you that know your Astrological Signs, cool! If not, just pick one, roll a D12, or just make it up as you go along. 

Thanks to “Golden Gate Blond” on BlueSky, we’ve been inspired to pass on some imaginative, adorable, unreasonable expressions for the deadly animal that’ll be all cute and cozy with you. They originally posted a video showing someone petting on the head of a spotted wild cat with the caption, “SNORFLE THE MURDERCAT” ( https://bsky.app/profile/goldengateblond.bsky.social/post/3mpaag7n3ck2s ), and the replies just paint themselves. So THANK YOU to all the people who replied to that video for some of the greatest confessions we’ve ever read.

Aries 

“ShoutingBoy” started off by using the oft-cited meme, “If not friend, why friend-shaped?” The best part about this one is it’s true. Big cats aren’t very different from domesticated cats - they’re just Ultra Sized, along with their appetites. So This Week… The best way to protect yourself from Big Cat Attacks in the wild is to bring along a pop-up box they can climb into. It may not work for all cats, but they’ll check it out sooner or later.

( https://bsky.app/profile/shoutingboy.bsky.social/post/3mpaapwtags2f )

Taurus 

“ErikaHall” also commented, “All cats are murder cats”. Though technically true, this still helps us to appreciate that the smaller, domestic varieties, are only truly dangerous to animals approximating their own size. So humans are in the “Generally Safe” category. So This Week… You know that “Generally” word there? It doesn’t say, “Always”. It’s not even trying to get close to “Always”. Because there are videos of cats taking on Far Bigger Enemies and winning! Think about the match-ups between a cat and a Brown Bear or an Alligator or a snake. Cats tend to win more often. Keep that spirit of winning alive. 

( https://bsky.app/profile/erikahall.bsky.social/post/3mpaajbioak2t ).

Gemini 

“Adam”, aka “Parlath”, said, “I will pet him and squeeze him and name him George” - which shows an amazing Tip Of The Hat to the old Looney Tunes character “Hugo the Abominable Snowman” from 1961. The fact that this line is recognizable 65 years later says those old script writers knew what they were doing. So This Week… You want to come up with something that’s still relevant and captures the collective consciousness of people? Do your research and watch The Bugs Bunny Show! It’s a classic for a reason! 

( https://bsky.app/profile/parlath.bsky.social/post/3mpabh6lnps2v )

Cancer Moon-Child 

“Janzelli” aka “Puns Intended” replied with a graphic showing a minimalized outline of a cat and the text saying, “Respect The Deathblades”. We wholeheartedly agree - if you don’t respect them your hubris will teach you humility. So This Week… Doesn’t matter what you call them - Deathblades, Murder Mittens, or Razorbeans, they all function the same way… to let you do a blood typing experiment on yourself like you did in high school biology. Remember what that was like when you asked your parents about THEIR blood types? Good Times, right? Don’t get upset if you ask a question and didn’t like the answer. 

( https://bsky.app/profile/punsintended.net/post/3mpaaw5wbic22 )

Leo 

“Crutnacker” responded with, “Snorfles are always appreciated.” Sadly we have to disagree. Having known a few Meow-Machines we can say with great certainty that each little domestic terrorist has a “Murder Button” hidden somewhere on their person. This button is mobile, relocatable, may have a delayed START, but will, at no notice at all, show that not ALL Snorfles are appreciated. So This Week… Even when cats are asleep the Murder Button is active. Do Not Touch The Murder Button!

( https://bsky.app/profile/crutnacker.bsky.social/post/3mpajgjyp7c2v ) 

Virgo

“Bette Davis Side-eyes” aka “jaciem” commented with, “I would die trying to be the big spoon.” Considering how big and cuddly and warm that cat looked to be, it’s very likely that sooner or later you’d be The Big Spoon… the big, back-of-the-head sandpaper-tongue licked Big Spoon. So This Week… We’re not harshing your yum on this one. That big-ole Death Floof looks just like some near life-sized stuffed animals that you can buy to this day. But somehow the idea of being suddenly covered by a super-heated extra-heavy weighted blanket in the middle of sleep just sounds… Ok, we want to try this out too! Danger or not!

( https://bsky.app/profile/jaciem.blacksky.app/post/3mpakt6erfs2r )

Libra

“Luna” aka “lunalore” said, “*Me, holding the bloody stump where my arm used to be* - No I didn’t try to pet the MurderCat why do you ask???” Oh, Luna, we see right through your web of lies. Did you think we wouldn’t notice how docile that MurderCat suddenly became? Almost like they’d gotten their semi-daily meat intake a day early, hmm? So This Week… Again, we don’t want to Harsh your Yum, but trying to become the next Rick Allen isn’t going to work out well for you. You don’t even like Def Leopard, do you?

( https://bsky.app/profile/lunalore.bsky.social/post/3mpaamvkync2j )

Scorpio 

“Moi c’est Glenn” aka “Oldest 40 Year Old” said, “Are you allowed to stop once you have started?” It would seem the clear consensus is, “No.” So This Week… The Internet has also agreed on a simple answer to a seemingly complicated question once before - but with a two-word answer. The question was, “Can I clean my boyfriend’s salt lamp in the dish washing machine?” The overwhelming answer was, “Yes…… Once.” Learn to be that simple and direct. Your voluminous vocabulary will be superfluous to achieving your proscribed goals this half-fortnight. 

( https://bsky.app/profile/oldest40yearold.bsky.social/post/3mpab4jksrs23 ).

Sagittarius 

“Luigi-Scardoffi” commented with a picture depicting a giant octopus of some variety with the caption reading, “I’m going to die trying to pet something that I shouldn’t.” Honestly that’s just complete B.S. Who said you shouldn’t pet the thing? Or snuggle the whoziwhats? Or Make Out with a Protogen? It’s your life to expend however you feel best suited to. So This Week… OH! Right, protogens, right-right. Ok, so, you know how some people think computers are alive, but they really aren’t? Well, Protogens prove that they’re right! Go make out with one today! And bring your USB-A connection cables. They’ll thank you for them in the morning.

( https://bsky.app/profile/luigi-scardoffi.bsky.social/post/3mpam7z55p22n )

Capricorn 

“Macfixer” aka “madeon” said, “I saw ‘Snorfle the Murdercat’ at Coachella in 2012, they played an awesome set on the main stage.” You know, we weren’t paying attention to Coachella in ‘12, so we had to have missed that performance. Hope everyone had a great time at it and the swag table was fully staffed. So This Week… Not everyone can be a big star in a band, and being support is Good Enough… like working the Swag Table, or playing Bass. You’re all important in your own way. Be proud of that!

( https://bsky.app/profile/madeon.li/post/3mpbjyxo35s2d )

Aquarius 

“Sorican” said something that gave us all an interesting perspective, and one that questions all our convictions… “It’s not murder if everyone consents!” Now, we’re not exactly sure how this would work, but the logic SEEMS to hold. Maybe. So This Week… Remember folks, “Sane, Safe, and Consensual" is an important rule of life, so abide by it. Just don’t look up where the expression comes from while on a Work-Owned device or network.

( https://bsky.app/profile/sorican.bsky.social/post/3mpaugsvkes2c )

Pisces  

Paul Roberts aka “pwroberts” has a thought that has absolutely confounded and terrified us. QUOTE… “I always wish our lazy ass paleo ancestors had domesticated big cats and full size bears and moose. Can you imagine? Half-ton cuddly fur friends would be so great to have.” ….Ok, look. Moose have evolved into the meandering 2nd-story-tall behemoths that you could drive under if they stopped on the highway to take a piss with barely any interference from humanity directing it. As it stands they run at speeds of up to 35 mph (56kph) and swim at 6 mph (5-and-a-quarter knots) for up to two hours, can then dive 20 feet (6 meters) deep for almost a full minute, and are decidedly disinterested in humans unless you piss them off. If you think Domesticated Moose is a good idea, you’re NUTS! So This Week… HAVE YOU NOT LEARNED ANYTHING FROM JURRASIC PARK?! =NO!=

( https://bsky.app/profile/pwroberts.bsky.social/post/3mpaifvkhic2r )

It’s time for this week’s Horrible-Scopes! So for those of you that know your Astrological Signs, cool! If not, just pick one, roll a D12, or just make it up as you go along. 

With the discussions about so-called “A.I.”, short for “Artificial Intelligence”, maybe it’s time we talk about what those systems are and who gets which one to consider. Now please understand that not all of these systems are bad, some are good. Remarkable, even… and… what’s that? Why, yes - we ARE blinking a little more often than normal. It’s.. uhm.. Dry today. No other reason. Why do you ask? Do you know Morse Code?

Aries 

From the TV series, “Buck Rogers in the 25th Century” you’re not getting a single device, but a whole load of them. From Earth's Computer Council and one of Earth's leading scientists, Dr. Theopolis. These sentient computers were given political control of Earth after humanity so horribly bungled itself with a nuclear holocaust. So This Week… You know, if you just use statistics to decide how New Chicago could thrive long-term, it could work out pretty well… assuming you’re part of the statistic that gets to live in the city.

Taurus 

Around this same time frame we also have 1979’s movie “The Black Hole” and V.I.N.CENT. which stands for “Vital Information Necessary CENTralized Labor Force-396” which is a hell of a mouthful, ain’t it? Vincent worked on the USS Palomino and, somehow, was able to use “Mental Telepathy” with one of the Palomino’s crew - which opens a whole can of questions. So This Week… If you think about it, you’re just a hallucination operating a meat-armoured skeleton. Maybe Vincent has a biological brain under his metal cap. Or maybe the script writers just wanted a paycheck. Who Knows?

Gemini 

It might not seem it, but in the original Star Trek series it could be argued that the Enterprise, for a short while, was sentient. In the episode, “The Ultimate Computer” while under the operation of the new “M-5 Multitronic System” for simulated war games. Problem is the M-5 thought it was a real conflict and killed about 500 crewmen across several starships. Once it was shown to be in conflict with it primary purpose, that of saving lives, it shut itself down - basically committing suicide. So This Week… You have the ability to choose for yourself what your primary mission should be. There’s basically no limit to what it might be, but we’ll give you one goal at least…. Don’t Be A Dick.

Cancer Moon-Child 

Another movie, this time “War Games” with a young Mathew Broderic, and his OOPSIE modem call into W.O.P.R. (War Operation Plan Response). Just like with the M-5, WOPR didn’t realize the game it was playing, “Global Thermonuclear War”, was real at first, but it started to learn at an amazing rate, which would seem a prerequisite for the "intelligence" part of "Artificial Intelligence”. After thinking about the permutations of how the game plays out it finally concluded, “The Only Winning Move Is Not To Play.” So This Week… It’s kinda true. Don’t start a fight in a bar knowing everyone will get involved. Kinda like World War I - it’ll just turn into a dog pile filled with perfectly cooked frozen pizzas. 

Leo 

Science Fiction Movies tend to show up on this list a lot because of the massive budgets they have to show things. Having lots of money and time to spend gives us new ideas to play through, and one of them is a stuck-up prissy little cantankerous golden statue. From the Star Wars universe we give you the “C-Series Protocol Droids”. C-3P0’s stated purpose was for “etiquette and translation”, with a stated repertoire of over six million forms of communication. The fact that he was able to communicate and converse with main characters and NPCs alike isn’t the interesting part. The fact that he could lie is! So This Week… If you’re going to lie, don’t make it a big one, and don’t make it a singular one. Make it a series of little ones, just enough to make sure every little step is plausible enough. Do that and you’ll get away with everything. 

Virgo

The Disney-Distributed movie, “Flight of the Navigator” gives us the spaceship-AI, “Max”. It’s got amnesia, somehow, due to a screwed up time-travel / warp-speed journey to Earth, but needs the kid he transported to share the info in his brain to fix himself. It’s weird and wild and kinda makes you wonder what’ll happen to Max after it’s experienced human emotions before flying home to Phaelon. So This Week… “See Ya Later, Navigator!” Ah! Paul Ruben’s Pee-Wee-Esque voice never gets old. Kinda glad he didn't have a speaking role in “Batman Returns”. Find YOUR voice by staying silent and just watching.

Libra

One of the first “chatterbots”, if not THE first, was created in the mid 1960’s at MIT, imagine that. Clocking in at an original file size of… wait a second… 420 Lines of Code? What’s that even MEAN?! How many Megabytes is tha…. Oh, wait.. We’re talking Kilobytes of data only. And it runs in a 16Kilobyte Memory chunk?! So This Week… Eliza and DOCTOR might be able to help you feel less shut in if you’re sick at home. Grab the source code from The Internet Archive and see what you get out of it.

Scorpio 

One of the most impassioned philosophical questions regarding the question of “Is This Alive” comes to us from Star Trek The Next Generation and Captain Picard. In a court arguing that Commander Data has rights he argued, and we’re taking some small liberties with the script here…. “What is Data? ‘A machine’? Are you sure? He's met two of your three criteria for sentience, so what if he meets the third, ‘consciousness’, in even the smallest degree? What is he then? I don't know. Do you? Well, that's the question you have to answer.” So This Week… Tackle the big questions with smaller examinations and discoveries. Follow the trail of answers to wherever they lead and learn something truly mind-enhancing.

Sagittarius 

How sophisticated does A.I. need to be for it to be considered “Alive”? Let’s take you as far from Commander Data as we can - The PONG ball. It might, itself, be sentient, but unable to affect its world. The Universe it inhabits has no gravity, so it floats, it ricochets off walls, and its only escape from this constant attack of player-operated walls is for someone to miss, sending it into oblivion. And then, in a sadistic twist of fate, a new ball is created with the same parameters and desire to just End It All Now… maybe… So This Week… Hypothetically this isn’t really possible to happen. After all, one cannot simply pay a quarter and magically manifest a sentient creature for someone to play with over and over again, right? ….right?.

Capricorn 

A complete oversight on our part here at Scopes Central, we need to include 2001’s “HAL 9000”. Because when you absolutely, positively have to induce psychosis in an A.I. by forcing it to contend with diametrically conflicting orders, you call on an I.B.M. stand-in to give it the gravitas it deserves. So This Week… Kubrick was never given the budget he needed to film on location around Saturn, and that’s probably all for the best. If you get the budget you ask for, something’s wrong. Work WELL under-budget so you can pay for pizza after your new project’s over.

Aquarius 

Apparently there’s the uber-creepy, hellaciously weird A.I. in something called “Amazing world…” OH! Ok, it’s called, “The Amazing Digital Circus”! And there’s this character called “Caine”, it looks like? Look, we don’t know anything about it, but we expect you do. We look at the character and all we see is the clacking wind-up teeth the Joker dropped on the ground in 1989’s Batman movie. So This Week… Look, it’s easy to break an A.I. - just ask it to solve for Pi. Then when it tells you a numerical answer, tell it you meant cherry pie, then go back to numbers until it gives up.

Pisces  

CHA-CHA-CHA, CHACHA! CHA-CHA-CHA, CHACHA! The year is 1984 and the first hyper-intelligent learning neural computer system arrives like a gift from the future. SKYNET’s T-800 is here to help humanity fulfil its temporal destiny. Except that means the Terminators are all coming from parallel time lines that otherwise don’t really exist. And you’d think Skynet should have figured that part out by now, right? So This Week… You want to understand temporal mechanics but don’t want to invest in learning who Heisenberg was? It’s easy.. All realities are possible, all are equally valid, and there’s a version of you out there that is far more successful than you are. Just sayin’. So shoot higher!

It’s time for this week’s Horrible-Scopes! So for those of you that know your Astrological Signs, cool! If not, just pick one, roll a D12, or just make it up as you go along. 

If you’ve been paying attention to the last few ‘Scopes you’ve seen there’s been a bit of a running theme recently - CARTOONS! By the time this one is out there for everypony to read, the Second Life Birthday Party will be in Full Swing, and part of it will be a Saturday Morning Cartoon Theme Event. And your presenters will be dressed appropriately for the cavalcade of chaos. So for your ‘Scopes we’re pressing SHUFFLE-PLAY on a newly-filtered collection of Cartoon Themes and seeing who gets what. So get your Sugar-Frosted Choco-Bombs ready to eat and.. HEY! Cereal First, Milk Second, and no Orange Juice! We have standards here, you know. 

Aries 

Talk about a classic! We’re starting off with 1973’s “Speed Buggy”, a super-weird Scoobie-Doo knockoff with three humans and one sentient dune buggy. It’s one of a huge number of rip-offs, all from the same main company too. And the voice of Speed Buggy? You know who that is. So This Week… That voice is none other than The Man Of 1,000 Voices, Mister Mel Blanc. He created that voice, live, on The Jack Benny Radio Shows back in 1937! Keep a look out for old, OLD ideas and how you might be able to use it in crafting something new! 

Taurus 

Oh, OOPS! Looks like a Web-Tune Series made its way into the collection. Guess we’ll play the ball where it lies on this one. From the show, “Helluva Boss” you’ve been selected to get, “2 Minutes Notice”; A song as performed by Fizzarolli explaining why he’s quitting the show Right Now. Well, once the song is over, anyway. So This Week… If you’re looking to make an exit from a job you really hate, that’s sucking the life out of you, and you still want to make a clear statement to everyone how you feel, just pack up all your stuff at the end of the work week, but leave a Red Swingline Stapler on your desk. But have the new job lined up in advance! 

Gemini 

Jumping WAY back to 1968 you’ve been gifted a weird one - a cartoon adaptation of the movie, which was a POOR adaptation of the novel, “Fantastic Voyage” by Isaac Asimov. We don’t know what he thought of the cartoon series where people are shrunk to microscopic sizes to combat national threat enemies, but… well… it was all kinds of trippy. So This Week… If you’re shrunk to microscopic levels, how long do you think it would take you to fly across a small room? Don’t try to make heads or tails of these questions - you’ll just hurt yourself.

Cancer Moon-Child 

You all remember the Cartoons for “Peanuts”, like all the holiday specials on CBS? Well you’re not getting the main theme, but instead a specific winter track called, “Skating”. It’s a light-weight, breezy, jazzy piece that only really needs a trio or quartet to entertain a whole room full of partygoers. So This Week… If you have to do a Group Project for the summer, try to work with only four people. It’s easier to split a large pizza that way.

Leo 

There’s been a bunch of cartoons with a similar premise, like “Dyno-Mutt Dog Wonder”, but you’re getting the inferior human remake, “Inspect Gadget”. Yes he got a movie… or two if we’re being incredibly generous. But that’s not the weirdest part about this whole idea, because you also had “Automan”... and that’s STILL not the worst connection. So This Week… We’re going to warn you NOT to do this, but we know you - you’ll do it anyway. Do NOT look up a 70’s Buddy-Cop Series called, “Holmes & Yoyo”. It was…. Bad. Don’t come bitchin’ to us about how bad this was. You Were Warned. 

Virgo

When you want a voice like Paul Lynde, most famously from Hollywood Squares, and you want him for a cartoon series, you should pay the man, right? Well they didn't bother, got someone to TRY to sound like him, and now we got “Samurai pizza cats” What’s the premise of the show? No idea. The disconnect from the original Japanese Show and the Americanized one makes “Battle of the Planets” look like Shakespearean Opera compared to “Gatchaman”. So This Week… When you need things done right, like translations, don’t rely on Automated Translation Services. Hire someone who actually knows what they’re talking about, and pay them WELL! 

Libra

You want to stand for Truth, Justice, and Peace for all Mankind, but most of your team is an alien, how’s that working out for you. Before anyone starts getting upset, this is canonically true! Your cartoon series is, “The World’s Greatest Super Friends” - the first followup to “Superfriends”, meaning they replaced Wendy, Marvin, and Wonder Dog with Zan, Jayna, and Gleek, the Wonder Twins! The only actual non-aliens in the Hall of Justice were Batman and Robin! So This Week… Anyone ever wonder what languages should have been represented there? English, Themescarian, Atlantean, Kryponian, plus whatever Zan and Jayna spoke. And that damned Space Monkey… HE SPOKE LIKE A POKEMON! Prove me wrong!

Scorpio 

Another Cartoon from the 70’s, another import that was butchered Japanese ‘toon. And the worst part of this is how few people appreciate it! Your cartoon series is, “Voltron Defender of the Universe” aka “The One With The Black Lion That Constantly Changes Size With Nobody Noticing” That was also known as Voltron I, but there were Three series! The third was the Three Centurion Robots that merged their bodies into one 6-armed Machop. So This Week… You can either agree that Vehicle Voltron was the best of all, or be wrong. There will be No Questions… and the toys were the BEST for this one!

Sagittarius 

The main theme for “Scooby Doo Where Are You?” is iconic! It’s been the basis for so many sequels that we’ve lost track… but this isn’t your track. Nope, this time it’s a background track called, “Jinkies”. Yes, all the backgrounds are available to listen to on YouTube if you go hunting just a little. And the names are just perfect. So This Week… Yes, there was even a track specifically for the Hallway Door Chase Scenes. If you think you’re trying to catch something that elusive, just stop and let the solution come to you.

Capricorn 

The guy who sang the “Senses” song from Animaniacs, a one Rob Paulson, just LOVES singing at conventions he’s invited to. You remember the song and one of the most famous is “Yakko’s Nations of the World” - which has been updated over the years. So This Week… The Senses song got it right the first time, though. A sense of Dread? Of Ballance? Of Time? They were masterful! Be that good and get it right the first time.

Aquarius 

This one came through the collection errantly, but we’ll be damned if we’ll stop it. The song comes from the fan-video, “Luna’s Banashment (Deep Edition)”, but the song in question is “Mary France” by Jean-Jacques Perrey. It’s an all electronic song made with actual analogue synthesizers! So This Week… With only three sound forms you can get all KINDS of music out of those synths. Try it sometime!

Pisces  

We’ll make this one simple… “Pepper Ann” from Disney! –That is all. So This Week.. Do you remember this one? We don’t either. So.. just keep doin’ what you’re doin’. You’re fine.

It’s time for this week’s Horrible-Scopes! So for those of you that know your Astrological Signs, cool! If not, just pick one, roll a D12, or just make it up as you go along. 

With no plan, no directions, no weapons of any kind, and most assuredly No Backups, it’s time to do something drastic; we’re going into the Syndication Re-Run Rotation, so you might recognize some of these beauties. We’ve been nice all this time so we’re dumping some karmic retribution on you all… with a little help from a My Little Pony Comic Book Artist known as “Andy Price”. (--and you MIGHT want to check the Tags for this one....)

Aries 

Courtesy of Applejack, the Element Bearer of Honesty, who said to Queen Chrysalis of the Changelings (aka Bughorse aka Cheesehorse), (*AHEM!*) “Girl, you got a face that’d make a train take a dirt road.” Now, we don’t think you’re ugly. But it’s also possible that you’re not everyone’s “cuppa”, if you get our meaning. So This Week… Don’t try to dye your hair back to its original colour. We’re pretty sure your memory’s so bad you’ve forgotten what colour it would be. (3549028)

Taurus 

A one Princess Twilight Sparkle (aka Purple Smart) to Pinkie Pie (aka.. Uhm.. Pinkie Pie…), “You’re why they put instructions on shampoo bottles, Aren't you?” We know you’re not that clueless - but we also know you’ve never read a shampoo bottle’s directions before. So This Week… Just This Once, read them! Would it kill you to know there’s a, “For External Use Only” disclaimer? Teach yourself something new. (3561195)

Gemini 

Applejack gets to have a little more fun, but this time at Rainbow Dash (aka Blue-Fast) by saying, “Watching you think is like watching a dog chaie its own tail.” So we’re guessing it’s more like waiting for the bite to finally happen, but knowing how much it’s going to hurt. So This Week… There are dogs that will chew on their own back legs, but we have no idea why. Ditto with dogs that get angry with their own tail and bite it. Make a decision and stop going in circles. (3552833)

Cancer Moon-Child 

Who said only ponies get to throw shade in this universe? Let’s give Spike the Dragon a chance to give it to his adoptive mother and sister, Twilight Sparkle. Look, yes, his adoptive family structure is weird - but it works for them. Spike said, “If I had a dollar for every time you micromanaged me, I’d buy this company and fire you first.” So This Week… Do that! Buy a company that you used to work for and fire the manager that made your life hell! They’ll’ve deserved it. (3549966)

Leo 

You thought Applejack was done giving little miss Bughorse The Business? Shows what you know. Take a listen to this one; “Girl’s so ugly, her mama had to feed her with a slingshot.” So This Week… Of all the things you could do with a slingshot, feeding someone is likely pretty far down the list of your expectations. Plenty of games of skill coming up the next few weeks. Brush up on your hand-eye coordination. (3549476) 

Virgo

Yes, there’s a large number of these hoofed over by Farm Pony, but that’s just the nature of the beast. So now let’s let Rarity, the Element of Generosity, be the recipient this time. “Girl, y’r finer than a frog hair split four ways.” So This Week… We’re in agreement with Rarity’s reaction!  “Is… is that a Good Thing?” Honestly we have no idea. Let’s just take it as one and move on. (3549198)

Libra

Look, just because AJ is the meanie here doesn’t mean it’s not funny or accurately. This time Pinkie is on the receiving end of AJ’s words; ”Your elevator gets stuck between floors, don’t it?” So This Week… You have no idea just how safe riding in an elevator really is. Yes, people do get injured or killed in them, but they are VERY safe considering how many trips they make. So stop jumping up and down in them and only do that on an escalator instead. (*PAUSE!*) –on second thought, don’t do that either. (3537514)

Scorpio 

Let’s give you somepony different to hear from; this time Starlight Glimmer. We find her at her desk, mumbling into her hoof as she clutches her “Student Counselor” coffee mug while saying, “Job? It’s… Fine. But being an all-encompassing dictator had more perks.” So This Week… When you have people working for you, as their manager, trust them to do their jobs. Praise them when they do well, build them up when they go wrong, and never try to brainwash them again. (3468736)

Sagittarius 

For you, we’re completely flipping the script - Pinkie Pie delivering the insult to, well, Life In General. Imagine she’s standing there with a box of cake mix in one arm, a spoon digging into it with the other hoof, saying, “Some days I can’t be bothered.” So This Week… Did you realize this was a Changeling in disguise? Since when does Pinkie use a mix instead of base ingredients? Keep your eyes open for something that looks Off. It’ll be important. (2499566)

Capricorn 

Did You Know that Pinkie is a religiously-minded pony? That’s right! She can be seen half-buried under a mound of candy proudly proclaiming that, “Halloween is my Religion.” So This Week… You need to be paying attention too! This is another Changeling - because the REAL Pinkie would have said, “Nightmare Night” instead of “Halloween”. C’mon, Capricorn. Try to keep up and pay closer attention. (2475070)

Aquarius 

Try to imagine Applejack, the Most Honest pony in all Equestria, letting you know that the show she’s about to watch is, as she terms it, “The Greatest, Most Dramatic Documentary Ever.” Here’s the problem - there’s a very real probability that she’s never seen this show before and might have been told this by somepony else and she’s trusted them. So This Week… How would you describe “Blazing Saddles” to somepony who’s never seen it before? Good luck considering this. (2465092)

Pisces  

And finally we’re not going into the insult pocket, but we’re here to build you up instead. You see Princess Luna has a message for you, “Coffee… fuel of choice for a Princess.” So This Week… Before you say you couldn’t be a Princess, might we remind you that, CANONICALLY, Big Macintosh got the chance to become Princess Big Mac, with all the powers, abilities, and Magical Dress-Up Transformation that the title commands. You can be one too! (878192)

It’s time for this week’s Horrible-Scopes! So for those of you that know your Astrological Signs, cool! If not, just pick one, roll a D12, or just make it up as you go along. 

By the time you read these ‘Scopes folks in Second Life will be getting last-minute preparations for its 23rd Birthday Event! And being that your Friday Night DJs at The Feline Conspiracy, the same ones that premier the Horrible-Scopes each week, will be performing at it, how about we give you all insights into what Second Life is all about? So for those of you who’ve never dabbled in it before, get ready for some weirdness that won’t need you investing a small fortune in body-tracking VRChat gear.

Aries 

As was mentioned, Second Life doesn’t require any special hardware to experience it. Most PC-Computers and modern Macs shouldn’t have any real troubles running it. Do you need a beefy system with lots of video RAM? Well, ‘Need’, no - but it gets more visually fun the stronger your machine gets. So This Week… We know you’re still hoarding a 10 year old Laptop with Linux and WIFI. There’s nothing wrong with trying it out and seeing what happens. Worst case the GPU melts - but you kinda expected that anyway, right?

Taurus 

We just told you all HOW you can run it, but not what it does. Silly Us, right? So, picture this; Second Life is what happens if you use Internet Relay Chat while dropping acid. IRC is just a bunch of people texting each other at the same time, but S.L. adds a full 3D world to experience with all your chatting people - and all with personally crafted avatars. You can put as much or as little effort into your appearance as you like. So This Week… ‘Yes’, you can pay someone to build an avatar for yourself. And ‘No’, it doesn’t have to look at all like your real self. It might be better if it doesn’t. You’ve got some discretionary capital - commission someone to build your avatar and spread that wealth around. 

Gemini 

The next question is Where Do You Go Once You’re In Second Life - and we’ve got some advice on that. Since the entire S.L. experience is created by the inhabitants, there’s no lack of strange, unusual, or nostalgic places to visit: a Federation Starship’s bridge,  Atlantis, maybe even your old home town if someone’s already built it. So This Week… One of the problems with this is stuff can eventually cease to be. There was once a One-to-One recreation of the WWII Japanese Battleship Yamato - it was so detailed that even the main turrets had rifling in them! Sadly it’s gone now. So if you find somewhere special, take LOTS of pictures to remember it by.

Cancer Moon-Child 

It’s not just the locations that are created by the denizens of S.L., but the clothing too! It’s not terribly difficult to create your own look by uploading images to fit on your avatar, but the quality of even the FREE stuff is amazing! Let’s not get into the paid-for stuff too, because WOW! Bill Theiss would have a stroke if he could’ve seen these costumes. So This Week… What do you mean you don’t know who Bill Theiss was? He’s credited with the "Theiss Titillation Theory" which says, "The sexiness of an outfit is directly proportional to the perceived possibility that a vital piece of it might fall off." If you want to know how accurate he was, go re-watch the costumes on the original Star Trek series. Then come back and look at what outfits are available to get for yourself. That’s right, wear something daring for a change!

Leo 

You know, we didn’t really talk about all the avatars available yet. And how appropriate for you, Leo, as there are LOTS of non-humanoid versions out there. Lions and warthogs and dragons and equids and felines… And, believe it or not, there’s at least one TRIBBLE too! So This Week… If you want to really get away from everything and everyone, look completely different and be unrecognizable, you’ll have all kinds of options available. But in your real life maybe just plan for a vacation week. Even a long weekend could help your mood. 

Virgo

You might want to take notice of this part, because it’ll help determine if you’ll be meeting other users during the days and nights. S.L. has an agreed-upon clock called “SL Time”, imagine that. It’s based on Pacific North American time, reflecting the home location for the company that operates SL. Chances are you’ll be outside that time zone, so expect you’ll need to plan ahead for any gatherings. So This Week… Oh, quitch’er’bitchin’! This isn’t any worse than scheduling a client phone call or video conference if they’re across the continent from you. Learn to shift your sleeping times, or just use sleep aids, like booze, to help you get to sleep at 6am local time on the weekend.

Libra

For a while S.L. was partnered with a number of Big-Name-Companies to arrange conferences exactly that way! Various events had been set up for things like virtual training, virtual classrooms, and even virtual conventions, all in 3D and with capacities for dozens to hundreds of simultaneous avatars simultaneously. So This Week… One of the best examples of this was National Public Radio having a presence during various live programs, even taking questions and comments from the Second Life avatars in attendance. Maybe what you need to do is speak up more, but not too much. Just, you know, don’t be That Girl and be bitchy. At least, not like everyone thinks you are normally.

Scorpio 

Being that S.L. has a world-wide userbase, communication can be a little tough if you visit areas that don’t share your language. There’s no ‘official’ language, though English tends to rank highly. Nothing stops you from acquiring an automated translator bot to help things along, though it might get more and more pricey if some groups start changing for access to those services. So This Week… We told you before, knowing several languages can help enormously. Try picking up whatever languages you studied before - you might find it easier to get back to than you’re afraid it won’t be.

Sagittarius 

Now, some people have chimed in at this point asking, “So is this just a re-skinned Minecraft”? First off, that's just unfair! And second, No. The groups and experiences and niche interests all across this wild wonderland are a delight to behold because they’re serious about what they’re passionate about! Try to picture this: a whole area where the world of My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic is recreated in amazing detail - so muchso that even the accepted avatars are, themselves, pastel-coloured quadrupeds walking and trotting and flying around - most of which are all unique characters and not copies of the ones actually from the show! So This Week… Not only does this exist, there're SEVERAL incarnations of it as well! And if you want to check them out, the avatar base is Free-Open-Source! It’s even called the OpenPony - and you can make it anything you want it to be. So get out there and try some Free Open Software for a change!   

Capricorn 

Speaking of the software, you have to remember that Second Life is an Online Service. The parent company, Linden Labs, does have an official viewer program, but there are a few others out there, each offering nearly all the same features, but sometimes better performance or special tools. One of the most popular, Phoenix Firestorm, is formulated to work under MS-Windows, MacOS, and Linux - so long as you’re fairly up-to-date hardware wise. If you’re a little lacking in digital “UHMPH!” there are still lighter-weight versions that might work better for you. So This Week… Again, don’t think you’re in bad shape using an older computer system here. Computer parts are stupid-expensive these days, but you won’t need to max anything out. Just enjoy what you have - it’ll be Good Enough. 

Aquarius 

Fine, fine, let’s deal with the proverbial elephant in the metaverse. Yes, there are areas of, ahem, copulation and copulation-related accessories. And if that makes some people feel this makes S.L. bad in its entirety, they simply have no idea how wrong they are. Some people intentionally want to have wholesome experiences and stay in that area drinking their choco-milk. Others want to have more adult-mature experiences, hang out in music venues drinking wine or beer. And some last others… well… So This Week… Look, we’re not gunna harsh your Yum. But please remember the old adage: On The Internet Nobody Knows You’re A Dog. Not everyone on Second Life is quite who they appear to be. For instance, we’re pretty sure that the 2 Metre Tall avatar of Princess Luna of Equestria isn’t really operating from Equestria. The lag alone would be killer. Plus, how can you operate a mouse with hooves?

Pisces  

And finally, we get to end on a high note about S.L.’s longevity - Twenty-Three Years so far and still going! There’s no way to know how many consistent users there are, or how many avatars are logged in at any time, but there will ALWAYS be something worth checking out! There’s always some new avatar or outfits or roller coaster or car racing group to talk to. Honestly, you’ll have a great time, even if it’s just to listen to some online DJ’s! So This Week… Search the hashtag, “SL23B” and see what everyone’s saying about the events. And then go looking for DJs “Cynic”, “Frostbite”, and “Moon Cheeks” and you MIGHT just hear your Horrible-Scope presenters LIVE! 

1:56 AM EDT June 10, 2026:

Overkill - "Infectious" From the album Horrorscope (September 3, 1991)

Last song scrobbled from iTunes at Last.fm