#holdingthelight

Our legs on the back of velvet theater seats. Our faces behind music notes. Both of your houses, but always your mom’s first. Your unfinished math homework. The colorless days of February. Shitty gas station beer. Lime green dress. St. Louis in September. Our Girlhood.

I wanted to be you. I wanted to know I could always know you. I wanted to walk this earth knowing that on my way to the equator I could always call you.

I’ve learned so much in this first quarter, too. I’ve learned about the creation of the universe and how we are all made of “star stuff” because all other elements that exist were created by stars through nuclear fusion. The earth formed from these elements produced by stars, and so did we. 

I also enjoyed my general education class which was a kind of history class. The theme of the course was “becoming human,” and my professor was such an incredible lecturer. What stuck with me the most is what he said at the end of the last lecture. We had learned about Buddha and Confucius and Socrates and other influential humans of the Axial Age. He brought the course to a conclusion by saying that there is a bit of these people in all of us; it all comes down to who can tap into these noble qualities that we all have the potential to have. He said that as we moved on further in our lives, no matter whether we become doctors or teachers or computer scientists, he hoped that we would never forget their voices. 

One of the classes I took, despite being somewhat difficult, influenced me to change my major to Cognitive and Behavioral Neuroscience. I had some discouragement in the class throughout the quarter because I found the content very interesting but struggled on the tests. I told myself I’d only let myself change my major if I got an A on the second midterm. I didn’t end up getting that A, but it finally hit me that this was what I am truly passionate about, and just because something is hard at first doesn't mean I shouldn't give it a shot. I want to become a psychiatrist because I have seen the pain in this world and my eyes are opened to it. I’ve had first hand experience with it starting at age 13 when there were days where I felt nothing was ever going to get better, and there was a constant shadow in my life that covered everything and tried desperately not to let the light in. Junior year a wave of darkness hit me again, and I was trapped there until the summer came. I have felt that hopeless feeling that aches in the pit of the stomach. I want to help in lifting the stigma that goes along with mental illness. Nobody should ever feel ashamed for being depressed or having anxiety or bipolar disorder, or any other kind of mental disorder. It is the field of medicine that is the most unattended to because mental illness is not always treated as a valid illness. Because people do not know what to say or do, they tend to toss the issue aside and try to pretend it is not there. I know that there are plenty of ways I can prepare for being a psychiatrist without even taking college courses. Just reading books gives you a look at the way other people live and helps to make you understand the reasons behind the decisions people make. I want to hear people’s stories. In the end we are all humans. In the end we have all felt heart wrenching pain, the kind that makes you double over on the bathroom floor, shaking and feeling the hot tears sting your face. We have all felt the calm that comes after, that stillness deep inside that only comes after crying about something all too real. I want to look at the world with knowing eyes, with eyes that have seen so many painful things and yet, after all the violence and suffering in the world today, still manage to believe that we are all truly good inside.

I’ve also met this really amazing guy, and, honestly, I did not think I’d be getting in a relationship going into college because I’d never really wanted one in high school. I used to watch “500 Days of Summer” when I had moments of doubt in high school or this past summer about relationships. I felt like I was Summer in the movie, but now it’s not my favorite movie anymore, and I don’t think I am  her at all. He’s made my life so happy, and I understand now why people want it. We went to LA for a weekend a couple of weeks ago, and it was so perfect. We got this apartment right above a club, and I loved hearing the loud noises of the city and just existing there with him. It rained and we had nothing to do; the observatory was foggy and it was impossible to see the lights of the city or the Hollywood sign. I realized I didn't care, that I could do anything with him anywhere and have a good time. It feels like a dream sometimes.  He is such a light in my life.