#hobm

The cars never stopped. Passing, stopping, going. They never ceased to be in the streets, reminding me of what it was like in New York. All these cars never emptying in the pits of the night and filling up the pubs. The screeches of the tires and the yelling of a pedestrian as drunk-hour began to settle. Man, they never let up.

I never realized how many people were awake at night until I was one of them. Tossing and turning in my tiny little bed as my thoughts kept roaming about the day I arrived. It’d only been a few days and I was still thinking of him, Peter Quint. Dammit why was I so hung up on him? It bothered me, made my body itch.

Since he had driven that woman to the house I wondered if he stayed. He looked overly fond of her but he seemed fond of me as well, so I wondered; was he like this to all the women he met?

Why did it matter anyways? He was just the first guy, and person for that fact, that talked to me since I’ve arrived. Maybe I was so hung up on him because of it, which was a bad habit of mine that I needed correcting. I get too attached to someone instantly if they show interest in me, a sore spot for my mind. Or could it have been the fact that he had a job in mind for me that he didn’t keep to his word? Most likely the first option but the latter could also play a part in my little dance of emotions.

A small breath escaped my lips as my mind did not cease one bit. I wasn’t tired anymore. But what could I do to keep my brain occupied besides overthinking situations and thinking about past mistakes? You could drink, my thoughts pushed through, but you don’t want to be stuck during drunk hour with a bunch of perverted drunk men.. True. Or you could call that guy up, hook up with him. Tell him how needy you are, how desperate you are for a man's touch. And how lonely you are, hopefully not as bad as your previous ex.

“Don’t bring him up.” I suddenly spoke aloud, retorting with my thoughts. It was such a prominent voice in my head that it was hard to just ignore it. As if my mind could manifest, I saw a shadow in the corner of my room and it spoke, speaking my horrid thoughts out loud. “You can’t run away from him, you know. He’ll find you somehow, bring you back.”

“Stop. Talking.” I say in spite. 

“Fine, but at least go out with that pretty boy before you get snagged off. At least you’ll have some fun beforehand.”

“I don’t even have his number.” I say, scoffing at the shadow. There weren’t any eyes to see, only a shadow filled figure coming out just to watch, only to speak my thoughts out loud to get my emotions all riled up before it disappeared cowardly within the darkest parts of the room. “Coward…” I muttered as I turned onto my side to look at the wall, my mind diving deeper into what I wanted to do for tonight. 

Maybe I should try and look for him. But it’s dangerous at night I believe. He knows where I live, I think, and plus I didn’t have his phone number to try and call him on the landline which I regret. Maybe if he was actually interested, he'd tell me his number so I could call him and ask him over. I shook my head and curled up under the blankets. I assure myself that he wouldn’t have any interest in me and to not let my hopes get too high with this guy. Plus there were plenty of other men out there I could possibly try and date.

I let out a sigh and closed my eyes. I’ll think about it tomorrow.

The morning arrived without warning. It peered through my blinds and greeted me with warmth, something that I haven’t found much of lately. Or in the past really. I wanted to stay in bed and enjoy it while I still could, bathing in it before I step out into the cold world to find some more….lovely, perse, materials for my apartment to make it more intriguing and welcoming for whoever wanted to visit me and say hello.

Even though it was nice to be awake in the warmth, I didn’t want to get up. I had to, even if I was low on money. At least I could try and buy a few things here and there to spruce up my living conditions instead of living in a bland apartment. I let out a gentle sigh before I had gotten up and changed into something decent before grabbing my bag and heading out to the door, to the store to spend and regulate my money on nice items to make me somewhat happy.

But I was terribly tired. Not one bit of sleep took away my drowsiness. I needed more sleep but I knew I couldn’t stay in the room all day, couldn’t submit to being casted alone by my own regretful past, so I gathered my things to take a shower down the hall, and my bag full of precious items, then left. 

It wasn’t a long shower. Felt nice and refreshing but I needed to get going. I pinned my hair into a half updo with a red bow, letting my milk chocolate hair cascade down my shoulders and settle while they dried up into curls. My red glossy heels clacked against the wooden floor while heading back to set my old clothes by the bed to wash later. I heard a whisper in the back of my head but I tried to push it away when closing the door and locking it. My head turned slightly as my throat felt like it was closing in slowly.  It wasn’t my beige turtleneck that was squeezing my throat close, probably just an old memory trying to creep back into vision. After a few minutes of fighting it back, it finally let go and I took a deep gasping breath. 

I could feel my heart pounding hard against my chest. Then, a faint snicker somewhere within my head. I swallowed hard and grabbed my bag, heaved it onto my shoulder and quickly left the little apartment building, shutting the door with a slam on the way out.

The sun was warm, gentle and inviting to my skin, as if it was giving me sweet kisses to lift my spirits. It tried so hard to keep me positive minded while I walked down to the store that was just a few blocks from where I lived. Many stores and cafes were sitting along the sidewalk, welcoming anybody who wanted a coffee, book or new clothes. The ones I passed were tailors for suits and such. Looking into the window to see inside it, I paused for a moment because I saw Peter. He was with a tailor, getting his shirt sized to match the length and width of his arms and shoulders. A few minutes passed, soft emotions blooming within my chest, but my vision focused on myself in the window. I swallowed hard then tore my eyes away from the window and continued walking down the sidewalk before Peter could notice I was outside the window. I shook my head and took my bag in my palm to retrieve the day's paper to continue my job search. My feet moved quickly before I embarrassed myself more by staring through the window. I didn’t want him to note me as a “crazy stalker lady” just because I passed by his suit shop coincidentally.

Damn, I felt like such a coward. Not wanting to look at him, see him or even interact with him because my jealousy is all bottled up within me after one stupid interaction. The manifestation was building within me and I knew why it was here. Because I’m letting my cowardness in. It made me feel like I was running away from my problems, which felt half true considering I moved far away from home. Because I wanted to get away from something. 

Being here in London just reminds me all about my past and what it meant to stand here right now. I was starting a new life here even though it was scary at first, starting my own path without any help from family or friends, or any other influence. I just needed to try and get a headstart with finding a stable income to land into my pocket. If I had known that I wasn’t going to get the job for that Au Pair job, I wouldn’t have embarrassed myself with that botched interview. 

I was just about to cross  the crosswalk when I felt a presence. It wasn’t like what it was this morning. It was…different. That type of feeling where the eyes of someone you were crushing on looked at you, the only type of glance you could feel. I knew what that meant. I clutched my bag tightly to my chest with the paper my chest butterflying like a little high school girl. I didn’t want to glance over my shoulder, act desperate. I wasn’t that desperate, was I? I swallowed the giant lump forming in my throat. I had to take that chance. God I’m a desperate piece of garbage!

My eyes look over in an attempt to look sly.  I see him, standing in the middle of the sidewalk. Door opened to his car, suit in hand and eyes piercing through the crowd. Not that angry type of piercing. His blue eyes were sharp, but I couldn’t tell what he felt from this far. All I could tell was that our eyes met.

Lost in a sea of emotions, I flinch at the sound of the crosswalk beeping. I then turn and rush into the street, away from a man I hardly know anything about to  escape these terrible feelings.

Exhausted, so very exhausted. The last interview of the day, an elderly woman almost practically begging to get me the job, had me beat. My eyes grew heavy  as I walked home. I checked my watch and it was about 10:30 at night. Night time. Not a grand time to be out, knowing the dire consequences of being out so late. The dangers of drunk drivers, the darkness creeping into every nook and cranny to shadow everyone who dares to travel for a midnight journey.

My place was about ten blocks down, and I could tell my legs didn’t have the will power to go on home. The bottoms of my feet felt like they’d been stepping on rocks this entire time, the muscles in my legs spasmed with every little movement I forced myself to make. The ground had felt like fire the last ten minutes, making me let out a hot, heavy exhale. Damn, I wished I either had a car to drive, or a cab to take, but I shouldn’t. The roads that I took to get home were roads that could hardly even fit a car, for the alleys were short and narrow, barely letting in two people at a time, I had supposed.

My apartment wasn’t too far from the interview, I had thought. Thinking I could make my way home in a timely manner, also thinking that the backroads were much more safe than being on the general street was a mistake. Not only was it taking a long time to get home, because of my aching ankles and fiery soles, but there was a sense of not being alone. It wasn’t just my shadow demon, either, that’s a whole other feeling I get when he emerges from the depths. No, this felt more nerve wracking than him. 

Rummaging through my small purse, looking for my keys, I felt that uneasiness behind me. The hairs on the back of my neck stood on their ends, begging to pull out of my skin. The bumps that the unnerving shiver created rolled throughout my entire body. Then I felt another presence, they weren’t alone. Quickening my pace, I fumble my fingertips around my keys, accidentally dropping them out of my bag and onto the brick sidewalk. I let out a whine of fear as I had to stop my momentum just to retrieve my keys, my trembling hands barely holding a grip on them once I began walking again. As my legs tried their best to run away, they couldn’t. The footsteps behind me were now prominent, gaining on me fast, heavy.

The open end towards the street was just in my reach, reaching my hand out in hopes to grab onto the side of the building to launch me away from my attackers, but no. Not even close. I was roughly pulled back by my coat collar, practically dragged into a side, narrowed alley. Hardly any light penetrated the darkness, inciting an all body alert of terror in my nerves. I opened my mouth and screamed for help as loud as I could, but in an instant I was hit hard, everything going dark.