#hiwwa

Imagination: the you of your dreams to the fullest extent

The me that I wanted to be. The me that I wished so deeply for when I was staring at the pink and white checkered ceiling, alone in my room. 

I saw myself as a business woman. I remember I wanted black panty hose, a microwave and my own answering machine. I wanted to be getting ready for a fabulous date with a handsome man at my condo while I was in those panty hose. 

I saw myself as put together and elegant. I wanted those things for me. The elegance, the glamour, the poise. Some of it was because of what I saw in the magazines and some was because it seems so beautiful. So ordered, neat. And when I looked in the mirror at that time I saw chaos and frizz. My tiny bloated face. 

I grew up. Both physically and emotionally. 

So much of who I wanted to be I am. I made those sacrifices to reach my goals. I strive. I work. I push through difficulties to be able to be my best self. To call in who I am meant to be and what I am meant to do with the gifts I am given. Who I am meant to help. 

I also want the elegant and the beauty and the dresses and the fancy parties. It makes me feel like I am me, when I am in a giant ball gown. It feels like nothing else makes more sense and believe me it doesn’t come from a place of vanity it comes out of a genuine appreciation for the clothes and the fashion. 

There is this girl I have been following on IG for quite some time, the former Oscar PRgirl. She is the life I want to step into - just to see. But of course I don’t want her husband I want me and my Daniel and us living that version of our lives. 

I want the drives to the country and the country home. I want the pictures of us as young together before kids on the beach, drunk. The kind of picture where you can hear the wind and see the sand. Youth in our faces. 

I want all the firsts with him, documented in that elegant way. She has a way. She shares - like most - but somehow it’s right. It’s not too much it’s just right. It’s beautiful. It’s art. It’s my dream. 

I know that so much of what I wanted for myself I was able to get because I work hard and I am diligent. It is important to remember this when I start to feel down and out and overwhelmed. It is important to tune in still - be here with me. 

I am love. I am strength. I am smart and confident and beautiful inside and out. I am power. I am funny. I am authentic. I am truth. I am all of these things and I know it. And I want to start existing from this place of positively knowing this about me and not from a different mindset. 

If you can’t change your situation then change the way you are thinking about it. Someone told me that once and I really love it as a concept. 

What kind of imprint is life making on your heart

Little intentions to start this practice: "May the open page reflect the willingness of my heart in the most unexpected and welcomed of ways."

What is captivating the majority of your attention?

Right now I keep going back and forth between wanting to take advantage of this time I have to do the things that matter to me most, like tuning in, like writing and meditation and music. To be with my tender heart and my tender self. To use the time for the activities that help me restore. I know what those are, a big one is just space and room to breathe. I am trying. 

However, I am also longing for my bf as he is away for a few weeks. I miss him a lot. I didn’t think that I would. I didn’t realize how hard it would hit me. I’ve been very emotional lately, more than expected. Although it is good to feel so deeply it is also a new and challenging experience for me to need another person. Waters I have not navigated for a long time or ever. I am used to people disappointing me and so I have learned to only count on myself.  Where is your focus?

It is split. There is me. There is the dog. There is work. There is volunteer stuff. Then there is my tender heart. My little girl. The one who just wants to curl up and cry or move or stretch or shake it out. Shake all of it out. All of the anxieties and the worries feel like they are clinging to me and they need to be on their way.  What is one dream that hasn't yet been realized?

This image of myself as a professional and chic business woman that travels for work and works for a well known beauty company. That is a goal. Absolutely. What part of me wants that for me and what part wants that for the prestige. Will I be able to cope if I get rejected? But I can’t not try. Don’t turn down an offer you don’t even have yet. I like that phrase. 

I see myself. In airports and train stations traveling for work. My older self. Wiser. More secure. Thin. Beautiful. Chic. Confident. Powerful. I see it. 

And this opportunity feels like the next stepping stone to that although I am also intensely filled with fear. Sometimes you gotta do the hard thing though right? Sometimes you just gotta do it. 

Eat the broccoli. Try. Every day. Show up and try. 

I know this. I tell other people to be confident and still I can’t. It’s something that I am working on but I know that is who I want to become in the world. That is how I see myself and my future.

I remember listening to Emily on a podcast as I made breakfast and feeling so far away from that kind of success but knowing that it is what I wanted deeply and internally with all my heart. 

Success. Success in the way that it means for me. Whether or not it is traditional. Senior and flexible. Aligned with my interests. 

I know that it is what I want. I know. 

I want to keep doing good in this world for other women while achieving my own personal goals. 

Doing it for the little girl in me that has dreamed of this opportunity. Though, truthfully, I didn’t think I would get there so young. 

I am proud of myself. Do I need to say that more? To me? I love when other people say it. Maybe I need to say the things I want to hear instead of looking for it on the outside. I am proud of me. I am proud. 

What can love do that nothing else can?