#hisazen

“So… did you sayyes?” Hisame asks, cold eyes cast over Mitsuhide with a scrutinizing glare.“For the moment, I’m the one she’s technically betrothed to. Which means, Ihave the right to ask,” he continues when he is met with surprised, slightlypanicked eyes.

If only Mitsuhideknew; it would be all different, those eyes would be full of pity instead ofalarm. But Mitsuhide, bless his soul, is a simple, honest man. He would neverguess.

“So, what was youranswer?” Hisame pushes, pouring wine for the both of them. His heart onlythrobs a little faster than usual, and it only hurts a little to withholdMitsuhide’s gaze.

“I told her,”Mitsuhide starts, casting his eyes away and looking into the distance, “that Icouldn’t be with her.”

“Hmm.” There’s afull stop there – a second to breathe, a second to stop and think how could he ever fall for this stupid… buthe keeps his poise, bringing his glass to his lips. “Why?”

It takes a littleverbal nudging, but in the end, it’s not hard to extract information from theknight. What he hears is not far from what he expected – still, it’s less, and he is disappointed in Mitsuhide.

“Well… puttingaside your true feelings, and how you two reallyfeel about each other, it sounds more to me like your words meant for a partnerwho’s been by your side forever, and not for a person who has just confessedtheir feelings to you,” he says, and his glance falls from Mitsuhide’s sourface to the glass in his hands. “I’m not saying that you should revealeverything about yourself, or anything foolish like that. But really, of allpeople, consider just who it is you’re putting on this front for.”

He doesn’t have tolook to sense Mitsuhide tense beside him, and he feels his own fingers tightenaround his glass.

“You coward,” hesays – more to his own reflection in his goblet, than to Mitsuhide sittingbeside him, but he doesn’t have to know. He doesn’t have to know how the oneputting up the biggest front in this whole thing is Hisame Lugis.

The ceramic cupshatters in Mitsuhide’s hand, dragging Hisame out of his short episode ofself-loathe. For a second, Hisame thinks he may have gone too far – it wouldn’tbe a surprise, he tends to overstep boundaries like children hop over thejumping-rope – and he clenches his jaw with a small inward squeak, ready toreceive a punch when Mitsuhide raises from his seat.

“Sir Hisame.”

And yet, Mitsuhidedares to surprise him, greeting him with a civilized smile. “In about two yearsor so, there’s a chance I might actually consider you a good friend.”

Hisame isimpressed, but schools his expression into that of mild indifference. He is notwilling to give it to the man who makes his heart throb so achingly to see himflail over his self-discipline.

Even though hethought he managed to push his buttons justfine…

“Such tolerance.Too much, even,” he remarks pouring another glass, and hands it to Mitsuhide.“Maybe you should learn to work a little harder.”

The knight takesit – the mere millimeters they are short from their fingers to brush could bethe inch between the driftwood and the drowning man.

 *

 Sending the manone loves to the one he loves, andthen hiding behind a tree to spy on them is not the most dignified pastimeactivity ever – but as Earl Seiran personally joins him, Hisame’s only worrybecomes the finiteness of wine in his goblet. If he is to hear a confessionfrom the lips of Mitsuhide, one puny goblet would not support him enough tokeep him on his feet.

Not that he isreally keen to nurture his ridiculous love for Mitsuhide; it is pointless andentirely futile. The knight is penniless, has little word in court, and lovesKiki so dearly he must not have eyes for anyone else. Yet, it feels good totease him, rile him up, and watch his perky little butt and long lean legs ashe marches away. Mitsuhide, in this sense, is a fine specimen: simple, honestand aesthetically pleasing.

Not that Hisamecouldn’t survive a rejection, if he heard it in the roundabout form of aconfession to someone else – he simply loves loving Mitsuhide, for how gullible he is.

He is not reallywilling to give it up just yet.

“I realized, Iwill most likely never marry,” Mitsuhide says then, and Kiki looks just asastonished as her lord father or Hisame himself. “I deeply admire His HignessZen.”

It… it’s not theconfession Hisame readied himself to hear. Not a confession he has ever imagined to hear, and not… not somethinghe can comprehend. He is deafened by the loud drumming of his heart in his ear,and his brain registers though that they are still talking – that Kiki loughsshortly before saying something and the tension disperses from their tone – buthe can’t quite understand a thing.

It takes a fewdeep breaths to focus back on the conversation before him.

“No matter thesituation, I would choose His Highness over anything. When it comes to him, myresolution is absolute,” he hears Mitsuhide saying. He knows that his surprise– his panick – is visible on his face, but hiding in the shades of the tree hehopes no one notices.

As he listens on,it becomes clear that the confession was not of romantic manner. Still, it madehis heart uneasy, and it takes him aback to realize just how big Mitsuhide’seffect can be on him.

“Such a fool,” hemurmurs clicking his tongue. He means it for Mitsuhide – but he also means itfor himself, who has foolishly panicked over… over a love he treats as apastime; a love that entertains him but was never meant to make him allflustered.

“Surprising, isn’tit? Sir Mitsuhide’s respect and affection for His Highness,” he asks Kikilater, letting his feelings find his voice once Mitsuhide leaves them to greetthe knights from Sereg.

“Isn’t it?” Kikiagrees. “It started long ago.”

“From when hefirst became his aide?” he inquires to satisfy his newfound curiosity. It takesKiki a moment to think, and he is willing to wait, intently, for an answer thatmay lull his worries or stir something in him.

The answer Kikicomes up with is more complex than he has thought, and shows her deepunderstanding of the knight.

They fit together well, he thinks with the melancholy of a rival whorealizes he never had any chance. He is not prepared yet, not quite, to saygoodbye to this love he has entertained himself with for long; but he is,slowly, starting to get himself ready for it.

“Perhaps I’ll makeit my jurisdiction then, to never give Sir Mitsuhide any kind words, no matterthe circumstance. You can pass that job my way anytime.”

“Actually, I’d sayit’s your role, rather than jurisdiction,” Kiki says with a smile.

“Indeed,” Hisamelaughs, heart heavy but voice cheerful. “The role of the bad guy!”

 *

 Deep in the nightand after what it feels like at least a gallon of wine, Hisame can say withconviction that Prince Zen seems like the type to trap someone in a room andlock them up until he gets what he wants.

It still gives himslight surprise that neither of the prince’s devoted aides try to refute him –and his curiosity peaks, so much he actually considers cheating himself into amission visit to Wistal sometime in the close future. He doesn’t have thefondest of memories of the prince… maybe it’s time to change that.

“Oh,” he says, asa thought suddenly hits him. “Sir Mitsuhide, what is your plan for tonight?”

It’s not a brightthought. Not when his vivid imagination supplies him with a thousand ways SirMitsuhide could spend his night.

“What do youmean?” the knight asks back, and Hisame is thankful for the wine that makes hislimbs all jelly for mellowing his desire.

If only he hadcontrol over his tongue, too.

“You’re notstaying at house Seiran, right?”

“I’ve been stayingat an inn nearby since yesterday.”

“Oh, is that so?Then let me stay with you!” he asks, smiling away his non-existent guilt overthe Earl’s invitation to stay the night on the Seiran premises. “I’m sure noneof the nearby inns will have any free rooms available.”

Mitsuhide visiblygulps. Hisame approves of the wine’s decision to tease him.

“But,” the knightprotests, “it’s a one-person room.”

“You’re useless,”Hisame says, casting his eyes away as his brain supplies with further images onall the activities that can be enjoyed on a single bed. “I would’ve thoughtthat an aide of His Highness would want to stay in the finest room available.”

“… I justremembered, there’s a couch in there,” Mitsuhide replies innocently.

“In other words,you will be giving me the bed?”

 *

 Moonshine filtersthrough the windows, and Hisame can hear Mitsuhide fumble about – sheetsrustling, followed by the creaking of the sofa – and it takes him all he has inhim to refrain from doing something stupid.

“Sir Hisame, areyou awake?” he hears Mitsuhide asking, and he cannot suppress the sigh breakingon his lips. “That was a sigh just now, wasn’t it?”

He could probablyjump him. Coerce him into something. Steal a kiss from those dumb lips.

Anything.

But it’s hisprinciple not to chase someone who is not interested in him – and his pride, ohhis pride would definitely not survive if he did make a move on the knight.

“What is it, SirMitsuhide?” he asks coldly.

“Sorry, it’s just…I wanted to ask you something.”

He looks so pure.So earnest. So terribly dumb.

Hisame nods forhim to continue.

“Are your mostimportant feelings those that make up your whole self, or those deep within?Which do you think are stronger?”

He sits up,running a hand through his hair.

Should he takethis question seriously, helping this idiot of a knight, who also happens to bethe one he would like to jump just about now? He could think of many ways toopen Mitsuhide’s eyes to reality, but… not one of them required him to use histongue to speak.

Suppressing asigh, he massages his temple and takes a deep breath before he replies,dropping his hand to his side.

“Regardless ofdegree, if your important feelings and whatnot are tied to strength, thenneither the former nor the latter will be very different. If you were to losethose feelings and replace that strength with weakness, the end result is thesame for both. After all, once you lose those feelings, the strength tied tothem also disappears, doesn’t it?”

“I understand.”

“So which is it?For you.”

“The latter. Sincethey are at my core, I’ll be able to continue protecting it until the end of time.Or at least, that’s how I see it.”

“I see. Well then,” Hisame says, turning hisback on Mitsuhide to sleep. “Don’t you have your answer?”