Long overdue update..
I know I havenât really updated anything this time around.. itâs just too exhausting.. definitely different issues this time since Iâm on 2 different chemo drugs and 1 of the same one from the first time.. lots of different side effects that are bad enough to need adjustment and breaks from chemo. Â I will probably end up going into detail about all of it later..
However, the thing now is that my tumors are stable. Â They didnât grow but didnât shrink and if it would shrink it wouldâve by now with the amount of rounds Iâve had.. So to deal with the tumors.. option 1 (the one they want me to do) is to remove the tumors they have to remove the vaginal cuff tissue, remove the part of the ureter (the tube connecting my kidney to bladder) and then de attach then reattach my bladder higher up so they can reconnect the ureter, then remove some of the connecting part of my colon/small intestine and give me a ostomy bag for 2 months to let it heal then try to reconnect it bc its a better chance. But this requires doing the same surgery where they cut me completely down my entire abdomen from sternum to pubic bone and douse it with chemo AGAIN. I said I didnt want to fking do this surgery EVER again. Â It was the worst pain ever and the recover was god awful. Mind you I also got neutropenic and septic last time.. and no itâs not JUST the initial recovery.. Iâm still messed up from that surgery in many ways.. including abdominal separation that led to a hernia.
On top of that, they think l'm gonna always grow tumors now, and these interventions are to try to keep the remission time a little longer when they douse it with chemo. So for example if I didn't do it last time maybe it would've came back in 6 months vs 2 years (not certain obviously) but at this point its what can I do to keep them away longer but they dont expect me to be cancer free for the rest of my life.. that it will continue to come back and itâs just a matter of how much time we can put between them.. like WTF.
Option 2  is to just keep doing chemo to keep it the same size/stable⌠ but I am dead on chemo.. itâs fking awful and sucking the life out of me and will NOT continue this regimen for the rest of my life.  option 3 (which is what I asked about) is to do nothing and do hospice whenever the tumors get big enough to cause complete blockage/ bowel obstruction, then die (they say about 1-2years).
I am just fking done with all of this. My life is a nightmare that Iâm never waking up from. Â Also- please donât tell me that obviously I need to do option 1 with no hesitation.. you arenât the one doing it and have no idea how fking hard it was and still is. People think once I ârecoverâ everything will be fine. What you donât know is that the AFTER is what is worse.. except on top of this my life is just stuck on this endless loop of this nightmare.
