#highly capable

The good, the bad, and the ugly

This just in, Crosshair has Issues (tm)

My teachers are all trying to get us to either: A) take the hardest classes that require the most work, or B) slow down and take a break before we end up crashing and burning. The teachers who want you to slow down are always concerned with how much work we do. One teacher in particular is pretty worried about the amount of stress I feel as a result of school.

But feel like I don't fit into either of those mindsets.

To the teachers, I'm a stressed highly-capable program kid who has exceptional English scores. I'm pretty decent at everything, but English is the subject that gets people turning their heads and recognizing my work.

To the other high-cap kids, I'm not really remarkable. I'm not taking all AP classes, I don't really talk about my English scores outside of English, and at face value, I'm a pretty average AP student. My GPA isn't perfect, but it's good.

In reality, I feel like I could be good at loads more stuff. There's part of me that knows I could be just like my highly achieving friends with more effort and time, that I could stand out like they do. But that would be painful and probably not worth it. At the end of the day, I'd still be mentally ill and I can't even afford the colleges my friends would love to get into. But on the reverse side, I also don't want to stop pushing myself just because it's difficult. I know what I can do, I want to at least try in a few areas to see how I can grow and become strong in those subjects. I'll always be curious and thoughtful, and I don't want to sit back in class.

I hadn't taken a sick day in three years. I've been to school barely able to stand, in so much pain I almost started crying. I've been to school while grieving someone's death. I've been to school when I knew I was not mentally prepared to be able to process what was happening.

But I was trying so hard to be better at self love. I was trying to protect everyone in case I had COVID. So when I woke up with a pounding headache, a sore throat, and super dizzy, I took that sick day.

And then proceeded to have horrible amounts of guilt and self hate. I'm a higher performing student and there is so much pressure to give your all EVERY SINGLE DAY. I've worked while barely conscious. I feel horrible when not pushing myself to the extreme. I've always kinda thought that if I'm capable of walking, I'm capable of working (even though that's so bad for me). It's a shared sentiment of my friends, and we're doing our best to change that expectation.

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