Me who's been eating the pieces when he’s not looking:

Absolutely no one:

Mister(s) Shakedown(s) + Amon

Didn't get to Amon in Y0, because we didn't finish these quests. One of the few that we didn't do in full, actually. Didn't seem as fun at the moment. Amon gets a pass, because he gets more screen time in later games. 

Evilness: 4/10 robbing people is bad, I heard Forgetability: 7/10 hard to forget, when Amons are in each game Iconic level: friend of a mutual tells me they’re cool/10 memes Free slot: ????too hard to get through to the good parts

2. Helicopter-car chases

These sequences was pure torture. My hands were cramped even when I wasn't holding the controller. Every minute lasted an hour. The fucking bazookas? Infuriating. Worst survival horror game.

Evilness: 9/10 fuck this shit, let me out of the car Forgetability: 1/10 still feel the cramps .__, Iconic level: 0.5/10 “look, just like in the movies, right?” Free slot: 1,5/10 on enjoyment scale 

3. Cult leader from the substory

Pretty funny scam artist, all the later games character development got him on the list. We love us a lil fucked up reoccurring character.

Evilness: 8/10 doing terrible things to vulnerable people Forgetability: 4/10 forgot about him each time until the next appearance Iconic level: 4/10 will never forget that dance Free slot: retirement home for one million years for the grandpa

4. Dojima captain guy 1

????????

Evilness: 7/10 he’s a yakuza, after all, he’s done some bad stuff, probably Forgetability: 10/10 who? Iconic level: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Free slot: forgot he existed

5. Dojima captain guy 2

Purple suit guy with the boxing/dancing ring in the basement was pretty fab. He gets extra points for the drip. Otherwise idk what he- wait he saved Majima that one time? Huh. You keep learning things.

Evilness: 7/10 normal yakuza guy doing yakuza things Forgetability: 9/10 I know he was there, I guess Iconic level: 3/10 purple suit points Free slot: purple suit, that’s all I remember

6. Kuze

First fight with him was pretty tough. And then he just kept coming back, again and again. With desperate determination. And Kiryu got stronger and stronger between each encounter. And Kuze stayed on the same level, just looking more and more beat up. And that's amazing storytelling through game mechanics, but also really iconic, ngl. 

I mean, man rode a dang motorbike in the sewers. He got the motorbike in the sewers, positioned it in the right spot to start the chase (did he get help for that?), and then rode it down there, through the nasty Kamurocho pipes, hunting down an annoying twunk like a medieval baron chasing a boar. All this while already beat up by said twunk. And he gets beaten again. Rolling in that sweet sewage water in his bandages. 

Evilness: 6/10 he’s out there vibing to his own tunes Forgetability: 1/10 he Will Not Let You Forget about him, even if you’d want to Iconic level: 8/10 meme icon Free slot: he seemed like real threat at the start, but by the chase in the sewers he was our pal, our failmate bro, all the respect to his dedication o7; 4/10 on actual fights and smartness

7. Kashiwagi 

He's on the list for what he did to Nishiki. Just sent the brother of his son to kill, uhh, his son. Just like that. Like, I get that he had his reasons, he really thought he was doing good, he thought he's saving Kiryu from suffering. Because of course it is all about Kiryu and what he supposedly (probably) (maybe) needs.

Evilness: 7/10 good intentions on the way down Forgetability: 0.5/50 look at him slurping cold noodles in his first scene, he’s stealing the show Iconic level: 7.5/10, again, look at the man eating noodles like a dad Free slot: 2/10 top tier dad, bless. 

8. Sagawa

He's such a masterfully done abuser. Partially because he acts so nice. But there's always an unnerving feeling underneath it.

He only resorts to violence when everything's gone to shit. But it always feels like he's capable of it at any moment. It's like a rock constantly looming over, waiting to drop.

Evilness: 8.5/10 on the creep scale, very good for the story Forgetability: 2/10 he’s in your walls, he owns your walls, your balls, and your paycheck Iconic level: 6/10 smartly dressed Free slot: 1/10 as a person, would deck him on sight; thank g-d Majima's away from him now

9. Shimano

Smart, playing the long game, but really, in Y0 he seemed smarter than he is. 

Long distance threat to Majima's safety, the threat he has trouble seeing as one. And that's the real kicker, that's the horror of it all – Majima striving to get back in the family, back under Shimano's thumb in his self-destructive last mission quest. Majima deciding to come back/stay even after the Hole, after y0, Majima getting so close to freedom but not being able to grasp it, and rationalising staying near Shimano for years, rebelling, but never separating in full.

And Shimano perfectly understands the power he has over Majima, and is always ready to use it. To break him at a moment's notice, if it will be useful for his plans. And this is way more uncomfortable and terrifying than Sagawa's brand of underlying threat.

Evilness: 12/10 made us start the “save Majima” movement Forgetability: 0/100 burned into my brain in the worst way possible Iconic level: 3/7 fashion sense is kinda bland, but he does have a presence Free slot: again, would deck on sight, but still – amazing character writing, very cool points for Majima’s story

10. Oda

Big oof moment, amaright?..

Such a fascinating character. He's not stereotypical, and has a compelling, layered personality, which is amazing for a gay man in the big hit game. But also. Ooof. Such a big oooof.

But, surprisingly in this day and age, it's not being gay that made him a piece of trash awful man who died. He was all that on his own, it was just his shit finally catching up to him in the end. And the love for Tachibana was actually his saving grace in life, a point of growth as a person (albeit small). So not denying him that, no. Even one-sided, it made him more human. 

Idk if writers did all that on purpose, but these points felt very distinct in the story.

It's fascinating how Oda's character is a (terrible) person first, and he just happens to be gay. But also, him being gay is ultimately important. We played y0 before all the gay shows took over the screens, and this storyline hit us like a train. Can tell you a lot about the state of queer media at the time.

– Me, after we've met Oda: hehe, he totally has it for the boss The plot: 

– Me, after seeing them interact on screen: hehe, Tachibana is making him suffer :3c Me, when plot: .___.

Evilness: 9.5/10 the 0.5 is from his love for Tachibana  Forgetability: -100/10 I lay awake at night thinking about this bitch Iconic level: 1000/5 look at him, man’s shining Free slot: Bidoof

11. Nishitani

Hated him at the start, because he's a creepy cat, because of the noises, and also because of that one slide on the ground with the knife wiggle, you know the one. Unironically love him now, because the world out there is full of far worse people, and he sure did his attempt at surviving it.

(He totally crawled away at the end, no body no finale, I stan by this)

Evilness: 7/10 he's pretty fucked up, ngl, bringing corpses to Majima like a stray cat Forgetability: -10/10 lives rent free in everyone's head Iconic level: 9/10 man's been on the screen the least but made an impression of a lifetime (on all of us, and on Majima) Free slot: yet another normal cat that everyone think is a "mad dog"; honorary Knife Guy

12. Dojima

Organized a wholeass hunt for Kiryu, got Makoto shot, planned a big power grab, put it all on the table… and lost it all. To Sera.

Respecting him for the effort, he didn't let us rest once. Not respecting what his drinking (and other life choices) made him into later, but even before that I struggle to see what Yayoi saw in him. Apart from maybe her being a young girl from a yakuza family that arranged a political marriage for her when she wasn't even 20 yet. And there is a story here that can be very interesting, like, did you know that (according to rggo) at this exact time Sera was a student that was often arrested on protests? In this essay I will-

Evilness: solid 8/10 he do be scheming Forgetability: 1/10 dragon of who, you say? (Kiryu is very much the dragon of Daigo by this point, but yeah) Iconic level: 5/10 dressed good and has big presence, but derails down the line to a total (not hot) mess, so no respect  Free slot: you know, right? Daigo is totally Seras' so- *gets gutted by Yayoi*

13. Knife guy

When Kiryu went through his (and ours) first Long Building™️ to get to the (first) fight with Kuze, we encountered Him. The guy with the knife. 

It was already tough going through room after room of generic enemies when Kiryu wasn't that strong yet, and we weren't that skilled with the controls. And the Knife Guy was the first recurring enemy, a small mini-boss with a stabby knife that would bleed us dry and leave us savescumming. And he kept coming back. Again, and again, and again, and-

Before Kuze. Before Majima Everywhere. Before everything. There was an unkillable lil freak with a knife that just wouldn't quit until you literally threw him out of the 2nd floor window.

And I think it's beautiful.

Evilness: 5/10 man’s just doing his yakuza job, and doing it well Forgettability: -10000000000/10 who could ever forget this man the- *checks notes on the hand* Tomoda Iconic level: ∞-1/10 there is a knife guy shape forever imprinted in our hearts but there is still free room left, because Free slot: in this world only Majima surpasses him, because Majima is, of course, The Ultimate Knife Guy

Kiryu: *goes on a full on lecture about his complicated relationship with Majima*

Interviewer: