#hiddenposts

I talked to Nes last night about my confliction of not getting closure , and I’m so grateful about how supportive and non-judgmental he is towards it. The greatest thing is how understanding he is, but I think he still worries that I might go back to my ex. One things for sure Is that I’ll never cross that line again.

During our talk, Nes explained how my situation is like a Korean drama. Meaning there’s so much buildup about one thing (a meeting Niels for closure), and how it’d be an “epic” confrontation in the end. I never looked at it that way, but it’s hilariously true. I try to imagine it being civil, to wait for the right moment reading that his body language would show me he’s ready to talk it out. Plus Nes is right. Now that I look at it, 3 years of separation, with a history like ours isn’t enough time to heal. I’m still struggling emotionally with the breakup because all I do is run away from my problems. This is one the few times where I have to face my issue head on, which is tough.

Like I said before, I didn’t realize after three years, there would still be an open wound in Niels and I’d past. It’s selfish of me to want to get our talk over with just because I can’t handle the unknown of what he really thinks about me. Maybe it’s the better option to wait until HE makes the first move. I can’t help but picture that happening only when I have a kid. I feel like that’s the only time he’d be mature and willing to face me again. Until then, I’ll trust in God’s timing to see Niels again. I had to wait almost 7 years to get a second chance with Nes and it turned out great.

Last night I came across old messages I saved with Niels from YEARS ago. I totally forgot about it until recently. I also came across an old copy of the last text I sent to him. It was a few days before Nes and I made a month, and reading that text reminded me how crazy toxic everything was between my ex and I. I threatened him to never mention Nes’ name it I wouldn’t hesitate to cut him out of my life for good. It’s weird how even to this day, he hasn’t said Nes’ actual name (just subliminal ones), and it gives me hope that he’d be wiling to talk it out one day.

Reading that text also exposed how cruel I was to him and his advances, but I remember it being so exhausting having to repeat myself constantly the whole relationship. I was so stressed out at the time of our breakup because of everyone calling me names, not knowing the situation, thinking it was (still) okay to butt into people’s issues as if it was their own. Seeing that message also made me appreciate our time apart since then. We’ve had time time to grow individually, learn about ourselves, and learn to be better partners for someone else. I really hope one day we can sit down and have a civil conversation about our past. I’d love to hear how much he’s grown since our breakup and what he’s learned. I just want my friend back.

Earlier this morning, I came across a scary-relateable tweet that described Niels & I’s breakup perfectly! It said:

“My ex finally loved herself enough to leave my toxic ass and walked straight into a much happier and healthier relationship. I was sick af. Begged her ass to come back, told her they wouldn’t last but look at then now almost 3 years strong.Moral of the story: know your worth. I was ready to change when she had already detached mentally and emotionally.”

Most times, I wonder if Niels ever had this realization. I’ve been able to admit my wrongs, but I’ve always wondered if he did the same. He was so blinded by hate all that time and blamed me for everything. Now that all these years have past, a part of me wants to know if he actually took the time to reflect on his wrongs with me. Does he regret dating and spending so much time lusting over me? Does he regret wasting so much of his time trying to keep someone in his life? And more importantly, is he happy? Like really, truly happy?

There’s no doubt that I’ve always wanted the best for him. I just thought I’d be able to see it up close (as a friend)). It hurt the most seeing him hide his pain from the world or maybe from himself, pain he insists on not having. Then I questiion myself. Does he still care? Does he forgive me? Would he be open to letting each other back into our lives? Or do we just move on like we never had a long history together? How do people move on with their lives after something as traumatic as that? How did HE do it?

It’s been a year since I last posted about you, but it’s also been 3 years since you and I have last seen or talked to each other, and after all this time I believe we still have a lot of unsaid words between us; we just never got closure. If you never want to talk to me again, I’ll understand, but I wish you would let me explain why I did what I did.

You’ve popped up in my dreams a few times this week, and even though it wasn’t real, it was nice to be friendly with you again. I used to have awkward “does he hate me?” interactions, but lately it’s been nice to actually have no bad blood between us even if it was only in a dream. Last night, I dreamt that you smiled at something I said. It reminded me of how things were before we became a couple and how we’d joke about anything and was just always laughing at stupid things. It also reminded me of our early relationship stage of how I genuinely enjoyed your presence before things started going downhill. During the dream, all I could think about was how long it’s been since I last made you smile like that. I almost forgot how happy we used to be. Dreams like that make it harder to reach out to you because it gives me hope that you’d welcome me back into your life so easily despite our situation.

My mind still goes back to the past, and Nes knows that I’m constantly haunted by our breakup. I’m positive we’re truly happy at where we are in life right now. I just miss having a a friend. Since Tiff left, I haven’t had a friend who I can reminisce with, but since our breakup, I’ve accepted that we’re probably never going to speak again. It’s definitely a tough thought because I still care about you even though we’re not on great terms. Having bad blood with you is the only reason why I keep getting pulled back to square one. I have never regretted my decision in leaving, but I do regret not being an adult and talking to you face-to-face like you wanted. I replay our last conversation in my head of you pleading “We can’t end like this. Let’s talk about it,” and.I refused. The truth is I couldn’t bring myself to talk to you in person because I knew we were toxic, but I knew I would have gone back to you in a heartbeat.

When I finally had the courage to turn my back on you, I cried saying goodbye and officially closing the door (metaphorically) on four-years of memories. In your eyes, I was leaving everything we accomplished behind, but in my eyes, I loved you SO MUCH that I just couldn’t stay. I couldn’t keep hurting you...hurting US. I had to leave so we could be happy for once in our lives even if it meant being happy without each other. Until the very end, I’ve always wanted what was best for you. You were my safety net, but a toxic one. As much as you thought I was the greatest thing for you, I knew I was holding you back from what you were fully capable of being.

In a perfect world, we could have taken the time to solve all our hurt, lies, and pain, but we were too damaged to even know where to begin. The anchor that held our relationship together was dragging us down to where we were nearly drowning in our own mess. It was too late. We couldn’t fix it. One of us had to let go. That’s why I left. Even towards the end of us, all I thought and cried about was how I truly thought you’d be “the one.” I was so terrified of starting over with someone new that I would have settled for you. At one point, I was so confident that you and I would get married, start a family, and even grow old together until I woke up from that fairytale. I really wanted it to be you though...

The one song I will always associate you wish is I Bet by Ciara. There’s a lyrics that goes “Right now it’s killing me cause now I have to find someone else when all I wanted was you.” Despite every negative thing that happened between us during our relationship and after, that line reminds me how badly I wanted to stay with you. I knew I would have chosen you again and again, and I would have ran back to you even if it was Nes I was trying to run away with. You were my home, my comfort, the one I hoped to last FOREVER with, but I knew I couldn’t do that because I cared about me more.

Deep down, we knew we were both too young and inexperienced to try and fix what was already broken. Sometimes I wonder how things would be if we actually stuck it out and stayed together. Would we actually have reached our individual and couple goals despite being on different paths? I just wish I had someone to talk about this kind of stuff, and I wish you didn’t hate me enough to actually give us closure. I know how selfish it sounds that I’m now the one asking to talk when I was the main one who turned you away the first time. Regardless of everything, I want you to know one thing— I have always loved you. If we actually had a positive relationship, I would have continuously chosen you. Thank God things turned out differently though.

You may not have the same feelings about me as before, but one thing that’s true is you loved me once. At one point in our lives, we were both eachother’s greatest loves and eachother’s everything. You were mine just as much as I was yours, and I loved you in the best way I knew how. One day I hope you understand that I did what I did because of love. You deserved and I deserved happiness and reciprocated love from people who were willing to give us the world. I’ve made my everlasting mark in your mind and heart and that’s enough for me.

i still look at your social media to see how you are. i know things ended badly between us, but that doesn’t mean i’m going to stop caring about you. the one thing that makes me happy is knowing you yourself have finally found happiness despite everything that happened between us. i still have screenshots of your old tweets and back then i used to think you were so selfish and in-the-wrong for talking about me like that without understanding my side of the story, but now that two years have passed, i’ve realized that your ego/pride was too hurt to want to understand why i left you.

you know you were wrong for creating lies trying to keep me and him apart just so i could stay with you. it’s crazy because if we stayed together, you and i would have made 6 years by now, and i know i would have just settled for my life with you instead of truly being happy. in the four years we were together, i remember constantly telling you “i don’t want to be with you anymore,” “i’ve fallen out of love with you,” “there’s someone else out there for the both of us,” and you’d just argue with me by saying “well i don’t care what you say because I love you, and I want us to be together.” 

i’m so content with my new life; spending it with the one i’ve always loved that all i want is for the three of us to reconnect again just like old times. in the two years since our separation, i can only hope you spent that time to reflect on the mistakes you made in our relationship so you can improve yourself for your future. i’m extremely happy with how far i’ve come, and i know damn well i wouldn’t be where i am today if we were still together.