#hidden intentions

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Seoul University— a name etched in ambition and agony. In South Korea, it wasn't just a college; it was a crown. The ones who got in bled for it through sleepless nights, bruised knuckles, and broken spirits. Some earned their way through sheer brilliance, clutching scholarships like lifelines.

Some paid their way in their wealth carving a golden staircase straight into the lecture halls. And then, there were the desperate, the ones who'd rather ruin someone else's life than face rejection. For them, the entrance exam wasn't a test, it was war. Even murder wasn't off the table.

Kim Taehyung, however, was different.

Born into a family of wealth and power, he didn't hold a silver spoon. No, it was gold, encrusted with diamonds, perhaps. He never needed to ask for what he wanted. Things arrived before the thought even formed in his mind.

But still, he didn't want his life served on a platter by his family. Not always. He found thrill in earning things with his own hands when the taste of victory came with sweat, not inheritance.

Getting into Seoul University wasn't a challenge for Taehyung. But what did challenge him was her.

A girl, a rival. A constant shadow. She always topped the class, claimed the spotlight, walked halls with pride that clawed at his ego. Every time she ranked above him, something in him snapped not loudly, but dangerously.

He wanted that #1 spot.

He needed it and he would tear down anyone who stood in his way.

The final school exams arrived. And when the results came out there it was. His name. At the top. Not just of his school, but among the ten top students in all of Korea. The Kim family celebrated like royalty, showering him in praise, pride burning in their eyes.

But there was no applause for the girl. No celebration.

She wasn't even listed.

Turns out, while Taehyung basked in glory, she was facing hell. She was pregnant. Disowned by her parents, humiliated in school, abandoned by those who once called her a friend. Alone and disgraced, with nowhere to go, she made one final choice. She didn't wanted to live anymore.

--

He glanced once more at the results, then at the empty seat beside him in class. His smirk deepened.

"Checkmate."

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After a whole year of cursing your university calling it useless, suffocating, and soul-draining with its obsession over grades and discipline here you were, standing in front of your mirror, getting ready for the one day it actually felt alive.

The University fest.

It was the only event the administration put genuine effort into. Once a year, Seoul University shed its cold, academic skin and turned into something vibrant. For one day, the strict halls echoed with music instead of lectures, laughter instead of deadlines.

Not that the university didn't have other events throughout the year but let's be honest, most of those were duds.

Awkwardly planned, painfully boring, and almost always micromanaged by stiff old professors who couldn't tell the difference between BTS and a projector screen.

But this cultural fest was different. It was big, bold and buzzing with energy.

They'd even invited actual K-pop idols to perform live. A dream, right? You couldn't help but feel your heart beat a little faster at the thought.

And it wasn't just the celebrities. This fest had everything food stalls, talent shows, games, music, fashion walks.

And of course, Jay. Your boyfriend. Your heartbeat in sneakers and baggy sweatshirts.

Jay was one of the star performers in the dance showcase a skilled, passionate dancer who owned every stage he touched. You'd fallen for him back in your first year maybe it was the way he moved, or the way he made even the smallest things feel special.

The two of you had bonded over so much your love for food, late-night K-drama binges, dance rehearsals, and of course, your obsession with K-pop.

He made you feel seen in a campus of thousands. And today, you were going to cheer for him like your life depended on it.

As the afternoon sunbathed the university grounds in a soft golden hue, you and Mina strolled through the crowd. The air smelled of street food, sugar, and excitement.

Students had set up colorful food stalls on their own laughing, shouting, serving dumplings, corndogs, and kimchi pancakes to their friends, teachers, and strangers alike. It felt like a carnival and for the first time in forever, your university didn't feel so suffocating.

You and Mina made your way through the chaos, finally stopping at a stall selling boba tea and crispy salty snacks. You grabbed your drink and took a sip, the coolness cutting through the heat. Mina nudged your shoulder.

"So, ready to see your boy steal the stage?" she teased with a grin. You smiled, eyes scanning the crowd, already searching for him.

The dance event had just begun, and excitement buzzed through the crowd like electricity. Jay's batch was up against a senior team. The tension was high, the energy magnetic.

But the real stir?

It wasn't just the dance.

It was him.

Kim Taehyung the university's golden boy. The heartthrob. The prodigy.

Good looks, top grades and yes. a phenomenal dancer. He participated every year, and every year, the screams only got louder.

A girl standing beside you let out an ear-piercing shriek that nearly gave you a heart attack. You flinched, shooting her a sharp side-eye. She didn't even notice too busy drooling over her idol like half the crowd.

You rolled your eyes.

Seriously, was she trying to summon him with that scream?

The stage lit up as both teams took their places three members on each side. Jay and his two best friends stood tall with confident smiles, while Taehyung and his crew wore matching expressions of deadly calm.

The music dropped.

The dance began.

From the first beat, it was clear this wasn't going to be an easy win. The seniors were skilled, polished, commanding the stage with sharp moves and years of experience. But Jay's team, they had fire. They had creativity, precision and something the seniors didn't. Hunger.

Jay was mesmerizing each movement fluid, each beat nailed. You couldn't take your eyes off him. He moved like the music was in his bones. And every time he went head-to-head with 

Taehyung in a mirrored step or a face-off, the crowd roared.

You cheered with everything you had, your voice almost hoarse, "Let's go, Jay!"

You watched your boyfriend shine, not just as a dancer, but as a star in his own right. The crowd was split some loyal to the legend, others rallying behind the rising stars and then it ended.

Breathless, intense, wild applause. The results were announced.

Jay's team won.

Your heart exploded with pride. You pushed through the crowd toward him. As soon as he saw you, his tired face lit up. You threw your arms around him with a cheer, and he wrapped you in a tight embrace, lifting you off the ground and spinning you in circles.

You laughed into his shoulder, joy buzzing through every inch of you. You had no idea someone else was watching jaw clenched, eyes cold, the smile long gone from his face.

----

You were scratching your head in frustration, hunched over your notebook in the quiet corner of the library. The math problem in front of you might as well have been written in another language. No matter how many times you tried, your answers were wrong, and your patience was running dangerously low.

"Looks like you're in trouble."

Your head snapped up at the unexpected voice. Startled, your eyes landed on none other than Kim Taehyung. You'd been so deep in your struggle, you hadn't even noticed him approach.

"If you don't mind..., can I sit here?" he asked politely, holding a book in one hand.

You nodded silently, unsure what else to do. He took the seat beside you, flipping open his book. Judging by the cover, he was here to study or at least pretend to. You didn't care to ask. The less conversation, the better.

But of course, that silence didn't last.

"Are you struggling with the problems?" he asked, his voice deep and calm, almost too casual.

"Yeah..." you whispered, barely audible.

You weren't sure where your voice went or why you suddenly felt nervous.

"Let me help you," he offered, already leaning in to glance at your notebook.

He furrowed his brows slightly, scanning your messy calculations. Without a word, he picked up your pen and began scribbling beside your steps correcting mistakes, simplifying the process. His hands moved quickly, confidently. After a moment, he looked up and began explaining.

To your surprise it made sense. His explanation was clear, his tone patient. You followed along more easily than you expected, even asking a small question here and there.

Somehow, what started as a frustrating solo study session turned into something completely unexpected.

You were learning math from Kim Taehyung and weird enough you didn't hate it. He made the problem seem simpler or maybe he just made it easier to focus.

After studying with Taehyung for a few minutes where he helped you solve a few difficult problems and even gave you some helpful exam tips you found yourself genuinely grateful. He wasn't as intimidating as you'd always assumed. In fact, he was surprisingly patient.

Just as you were about to thank him again, your phone buzzed on the desk. You glanced at the screen it was Jay.

He'd just finished basketball practice and was asking where you were.

You quickly typed back. "At the library :)"

And hit send.

Out of the corner of your eye, you noticed Taehyung watching you not your screen exactly, but your expressions. His gaze was sharp, observant.

"Is that your boyfriend?" he asked casually.

You smiled and nodded. "Yeah." He simply gave a small nod in return, almost unreadable.

You tilted your head slightly, a frown forming on your face. "How did you know?"

He looked at you, amused, a smirk tugging at the corner of his lips.

"Easy," he said. "The girl in front of me was smiling at her phone like the world disappeared. Blushing, too. It's either a boyfriend or a serious crush."

He got up from his seat, grabbed his book, and slung his bag over his shoulder.

With one last glance over his shoulder, he added, "Either way, lucky guy." And just like that, he walked away, leaving you sitting there oddly flustered.

"What was he doing here?"

Jay's voice startled you, you hadn't noticed when he arrived.

"He was helping me with some problems, with studying," you replied, trying to keep your tone casual.

Jay didn't say anything at first, but the look in his eyes was serious.

"Y/n, stay away from him," he said firmly.

You nodded slightly, understanding where he was coming from. Jay was never the possessive type. He had always trusted you, been patient, and handled your relationship with maturity even when things got messy. When you were wrong, he called you out gently. When he was, he made the effort to fix it. That's what made your bond strong.

But when it came to Kim Taehyung, there was a shared understanding between the two of you. You'd heard the rumors everyone had. Stories of him being a womanizer, a manipulator, a bully back in his school days. No one knew which parts were true, but the whispers were enough to stain his name.

So, when Jay warned you, he didn't need to explain. You both already knew what kind of stories followed Taehyung and neither of you wanted trouble. Still, something about that brief study session lingered in your mind longer than it should have.

----

The fest had ended two days ago, and things were slowly returning to their usual rhythm. The corridors were quieter, lectures had resumed, and the excitement that once buzzed through campus now faded into sleepy yawns and scribbled notes.

You were heading toward your lecture hall, your books hugged to your chest. Jay had already gone ahead to basketball practice, and Mina had skipped class to catch up on sleep. So today, it was just you.

As you turned the corner toward the stairs, you stopped.

There he was. Kim Taehyung, leaning casually against the wall just outside the lecture building, flipping through a book or at least pretending to. He looked completely unbothered, dressed in all black, his hair tousled like he hadn't tried at all but still looked perfect.

Your steps faltered.

As if sensing you, he looked up and he smiled. Not a full grin just a small, knowing smirk that made your stomach tighten a little.

"Oh? Running into me again. Must be fate," he said coolly, sliding the book shut.

You rolled your eyes lightly, adjusting your bag on your shoulder. "More like bad timing."

He chuckled under his breath, then pushed off the wall and started walking alongside you. "How were the tips I gave you? Helpful?"

You nodded, keeping your eyes forward. "They were. Thanks again."

"I'm glad. Not many people let me help," he said, his tone casual but something about the way he said it felt heavier. Like it meant more than just tutoring.

You stopped in front of your lecture door, turning to face him. "Why did you help me?"

He tilted his head, his eyes locking with yours. "Maybe I was bored. Or maybe I just wanted a reason to talk to you."

Your heart skipped a beat not out of flattery, but surprise. He said it so simply, so effortlessly.

Before you could reply, the bell rang. You looked toward the door, then back at him.

He was already stepping back, hands in his pockets. "Go. Don't want to be late," he said, voice smooth. You turned and walked into the lecture hall, feeling his gaze linger for a second longer before he finally walked away.

You stepped inside but for the rest of the lecture, his words echoed in your head. "Maybe I just wanted a reason to talk to you."

----

Days passed, and on the surface, everything with you and Jay seemed fine sweet, stable, easy. But deep down something was off. A gnawing discomfort that wouldn't leave.

Taehyung. He was everywhere.

You didn't know how or why but no matter where you went, he always showed up. At the library. Near your class. On campus grounds and now even here.

You and Jay had gone out to a small restaurant after a long week just to relax, eat, talk. He was sitting across from you, smiling as he spoke to his mom over the phone, and you were quietly chewing your food.

Until your eyes lifted and froze.

There he was. Kim Taehyung, sitting just a few tables away with a few of his friends, but his eyes? Locked straight on you.

Your breath caught. You looked away immediately, your heart thudding a little faster. You suddenly couldn't swallow the bite of food in your mouth. Instead, you gulped down water and stared at your plate like it held all the answers.

"Hey," Jay's voice brought you back. He had finished his call and was watching you with concern. "You alright?"

You quickly nodded. "Yeah, I just... need to use the restroom."

You got up, your steps a little quicker than usual. Inside the restroom, you splashed some cold water on your face, trying to shake the guilt clawing at your chest.

You hadn't told Jay about Taehyung how he helped you study, how he sometimes bought you ice cream out of nowhere, how he always found ways to talk to you when Jay wasn't around.

You had tried to avoid him. You really had but he made it hard and today, it was about to get harder.

As soon as you stepped out of the restroom, someone grabbed your wrist hard and before you could react, you were pushed back, your spine hitting the wall with a soft thud.

You gasped. "W–What the hell, Taehyung?!"

He stood close, eyes dark, jaw clenched. You could feel the heat radiating off him, and not in the comforting way.

"You've been avoiding me," he said, his voice low but laced with something sharp.

"Let go of me," you snapped, glaring up at him. He was too close far too close. And all you could think about was that Jay was sitting just a few steps away, in the same restaurant, while Taehyung was pulling moves on you like none of it mattered.

But Taehyung didn't budge. Instead, he leaned in slightly, his voice dropping to a low mutter quiet, but clear enough for you to catch every word.

"Leave him." You blinked.

"What?" you breathed, your voice barely audible.

His eyes locked onto yours, dark and unreadable. "Leave your boyfriend, Y/n." His words hung in the air like thunder right before the storm.

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You left Jay. You had to. It wasn’t because you stopped loving him it was because loving him meant destroying him. When you asked for a breakup, his world cracked in front of you.

He looked at you like he couldn’t understand because he couldn’t. You stood there, lying through your teeth, saying you were falling out of love, that things didn’t feel the same, that you wanted to let go, and it shattered him.

Jay begged. For days, for nights, he tried everything kind words, shared memories, even silence when he thought it might make you speak first. But you never gave him a chance because if you did, you would break, and you couldn’t afford that.

This was for him. He needed to be safe and staying with you wasn’t safe for him.

It had all started the night at the restaurant when Taehyung cornered you and told you the truth. Or at least, his truth.

You had asked him why. Why he kept showing up. Why he kept pushing. Why he was so desperate to pull you away from Jay and his answer? It was Simple and chilling.

“Because I wanted him to lose something he couldn’t replace.”

Taehyung’s pride had been wounded shattered, really the day Jay and his team beat him in the dance event. His final year. His final performance. The spotlight he thought was his by default taken.

It wasn’t just the win. It was the humiliation. Every year, Taehyung had been the unbeatable top in events, sports, academics. He wasn’t used to second place. Especially not to someone like Jay someone you loved.

That made it personal.

At first, you didn’t believe him. You thought he was just bitter.

But then, you saw it.

The basketball seniors ‘Taehyung’s friends’ began targeting Jay during practice. Subtle at first, then cruel. Elbows to the ribs, trips made to look like accidents, shoves masked as “defense.” Jay, ever resilient, never complained. He wiped the blood off his lip, wrapped his bruises, and went back to the court.

He didn’t want to back down.

Until one day it exploded.

A full-blown fight broke out. Jay and his teammates against the seniors. It was brutal loud, fast, and unfair. Jay couldn’t win. He was strong, but they were ruthless. You watched it all from the sidelines, helpless, broken and furious.

That night, you made your choice.

You looked Jay in the eye. You said the words you swore you’d never say.

“I don’t love you anymore.”

Because you knew as long as he was with you, Taehyung wouldn’t stop, and you couldn’t let Jay be the casualty in a game he didn’t start.

So, you left. Not because your love faded but because it was the only way to protect him from the one man who didn’t know how to lose.

Just like every other day since you ended things, Jay was here standing in front of you with those broken eyes, asking for the one thing you couldn’t give him. Another chance.

“Y/n please,” his voice cracked, raw and desperate. “Tell me what I did wrong. Just tell me, I’ll fix it.”

You stared past him, your arms folded tightly, holding yourself together barely. It wasn’t the first time he begged. It wouldn’t be the last. And every time, it tore a new hole in your chest.

“It’s not you, Jay. It’s me,” you said again, voice dull, rehearsed, lifeless. “I just… fell out of love.”

The lie tasted bitter on your tongue, but it was the only shield you had left.

Because if you told him the truth that you loved him too much to let him, get destroyed in someone else’s revenge he’d never walk away. He’d fight. And he’d lose. You turned around before he could see the tears threatening to fall. You didn’t have the strength to break all over again.

—-

“The sad look on your pretty face doesn’t suit you, Y/n.” Taehyung. The devil himself, with that same smooth voice and smug grin like he hadn’t been the reason you were slowly crumbling.

You had hoped foolishly that once you left Jay, Taehyung would vanish. That he’d be satisfied. That he’d leave you in peace. But you were wrong.

If anything, he got worse. He was everywhere the library, the café, your department hallway. Offering to “help” with math problems, asking you out like it was normal, like he wasn’t the reason you were walking around with a hollow heart.

You rejected him every time. He didn’t seem to care. Because this wasn’t about you, not really.

Taehyung wanted Jay to suffer to watch the one person he loved the most slip out of his reach and land in the arms of the man who took everything from him. You thought ending it with Jay would be the end of it. But instead, it created a new war one where you were the battlefield.

The worst part? Jay wasn’t giving up and Taehyung hated that.

“Why are you here?” you asked, your voice sharp as your glare cut through the air. Taehyung stood there tall, composed, with that infuriatingly calm smile tugging at his lips. The kind that made your skin crawl. “I’m here for you,” he said softly. “Thought you might enjoy a little company.”

You clenched your fists, jaw tightening. You wanted to slap that smug grin right off his face. “I’d be happy if you disappeared from my sight forever.”

He didn’t flinch. He just stepped closer. Then, in a voice barely above a whisper, he said it the words that made your blood run cold.

“Aww… then I guess you wouldn’t want to see your ex-boyfriend die, would you?”

Your heart dropped and your body froze, You stared at him unable to speak, barely able to breathe.

“What?” you whispered, the fear in your voice betraying you.

He tilted his head, eyes gleaming with something unhinged something far from sane.“You wouldn’t want that to happen, right? My sweet angel wouldn’t want her Jay getting hurt…” he cooed, stepping into your space.

You tried to move, but he was already too close. Before you could react, his arms snaked around your waist and pulled you roughly against him.

You gasped, trying to push him away. “Let go of me!”

But his grip only tightened. “Don’t trigger me, Y/n,” he muttered, his smile gone now replaced with something dark and dangerous. “I’ve been so good to you. Patient and gentle. And yet… you keep disappointing me.”

You squirmed, struggling to break free, your voice trembling. “I already broke up with Jay! What else do you want from me?!”

His face was mere inches from yours now. You could feel his breath, smell the coldness of his cologne. His eyes didn’t blink they pierced. “You,” he said coldly. “I want you. To be mine.”

“That will never happen,” you spat, barely above a whisper.He laughed. Low, empty and unsettling. “Then start mourning him now,” he whispered. “Because if I can’t have you…”

He leaned in closer, lips near your ear, voice dropping to a chill. “You already know what I’m capable of.”

“Why are you doing this?” you asked, your voice barely holding together as tears welled in your eyes.

Taehyung looked down at you, fingers brushing a strand of hair behind your ear, his touch soft disturbingly soft compared to the cold terror building in your chest.

“Because I want you,” he said slowly, like it was the most natural thing in the world. “All to myself. I want to make you love me.”

You shook your head, the tears slipping down your cheeks now.

“I would never fall in love with you,” you said, voice trembling with a mix of anger and heartbreak.

His expression didn’t falter. He simply chuckled low, deep, and terrifyingly calm.

“Doesn’t matter. My love is enough for both of us.” You flinched at his words, feeling his arms still wrapped around you like a cage. His grip was firm, possessive, and it sent shivers down your spine.

“This isn’t love,” you hissed through your tears. “It’s an obsession.”

His smile widened. “Exactly,” he whispered. “And that obsession… is the reason you’re here. In my arms. Away from him. Where you belong.”

He leaned in closer, his forehead pressing gently to yours, his voice dropping to a twisted whisper. “You don’t have to love me now. You will. One day. Or maybe you won’t. But I’ll love you enough to make up for it every day, whether you want it or not.”

Your body trembled under his hold. You had never felt so fragile. So small. So powerless. And the most terrifying part? He looked like he truly believed this was love.

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The first time Taehyung saw you was at the university canteen. You were clinging to some guy’s arm, laughing at something he said your head tilted back in carefree amusement.

He barely glanced your way at first. Just another junior couple being all sweet and clingy on campus. Nothing special.

“Jay’s lucky to have someone like her,” Minjun muttered beside him, taking a sip of his soda. Taehyung looked over. “Yeah,” another friend chimed in, watching you fondly. “He really hit the jackpot with her.”

It was then that Taehyung’s gaze fully landed on you, 'You’ were gently wiping the corner of Jay’s lips where some food had smudged, a soft giggle escaping your lips as he leaned closer to whisper something.

For the first time that day, Taehyung actually watched. Yes you were beautiful but it wasn’t just your looks. It was the way you moved around him. The way you smiled. The way Jay looked at you like he had the entire universe sitting beside him.

Taehyung didn’t care. At least, not yet.

A few weeks later, Minjun dragged Taehyung to a university basketball match.

“Come on, it’s against the juniors. Should be fun. I heard their team’s actually good this year.” Taehyung resisted at first. Sports matches weren’t exactly his idea of entertainment anymore especially not with juniors. But after enough whining, he gave in.

The match was heated. Tough. But in the end, the senior team crushed the juniors. Victory was expected.

Taehyung was casually high fiving his teammates when he spotted you again.

You were on the court’s edge, rushing over to Jay handing him water, dabbing at his sweat with a towel, brushing his hair away from his face as you whispered softly to him.

“It’s okay,” you said gently. “You played so well. You’ll win next time.”

It wasn’t just support. It was tenderness. The kind that made even strangers pause and stare and Taehyung did pause. He watched. Silently. For a long moment. And something shifted. He didn’t know what it was. Just that it didn’t sit right. That warm, loving look in your eyes it should’ve been on him. Not Jay.

After that, he started noticing you. Not by choice at least, that’s what he told himself.

But somehow, his eyes found you across the campus courtyard. In the library. By the vending machines. Laughing with Jay under a tree. Holding hands during a club meeting. You were everywhere. And with every passing day, the irritation turned into something darker. Something sharper.

He tried to pull your attention. Once, he handed you a book from a top shelf in the library. Another time, he stopped someone from spilling their drink on you at the café.

Each time, you barely looked at him. Just a soft “Thanks" or a polite bow, then you were gone. Back to Jay. Always to Jay.

You ignored him. Not cruelly just like he didn’t exist and that annoyed him more than he ever expected. Because someone like him 'Kim Taehyung’ didn’t get ignored.

Especially not by someone like you. You should’ve noticed him. You should’ve looked at him the way you looked at Jay. But you didn’t and soon, he couldn’t stop looking back.

It wasn’t like Taehyung couldn’t have any girl he wanted.

With a single glance a smirk, a whisper girl practically threw themselves at him. They loved the way he looked, the way he moved, the reputation that clung to his name like perfume.

But they didn’t want him. They wanted the image the wealth, the power, the danger. And that bored him.

Until you. You didn’t look at him the way others did. In fact, you barely looked at him at all. That made him want you more. Not for fun. Not for ego. But for something deeper. Something darker.

He didn’t just want you he wanted what Jay had. The love. The attention. The gentle care in your voice when you spoke to him. The way your eyes lit up around him.

Taehyung wanted that. He wanted to be on the receiving end of your affection, your worry, your everything. Even if it meant stealing it.

—-

When the university fest was announced, and the annual dance competition returned the one Taehyung entered every single year he saw his opportunity.

It was never about the gold medal. Not this time.

He didn’t want to beat Jay on stage. He wanted to beat him in your heart. To rip the spotlight from Jay, not for victory but to win you.

To take you.

He began crafting his game. Slowly, carefully. Pretending it was all about revenge telling you Jay humiliated him, that he needed to reclaim what was his. But that was a lie.

Jay wasn’t the target. You were.

He told you that if you didn’t stay away from Jay, if you didn’t listen, if you didn’t obey, he couldn’t be sure what might happen to him. And it worked.

You backed away. You avoided Jay. You ended it for his safety. Even as it shattered you.

Taehyung saw it. The pain in your eyes and he loved it. Because you were doing it for Jay. You were sacrificing your own heart for his safety.

Even if it burned Taehyung with rage knowing Jay still held a piece of you, he used that love like a weapon.

Jay became the leash, and Taehyung was holding it tight.

"You’ll do anything for him, won’t you?” he once whispered in your ear. “That’s fine. Because as long as he’s breathing… I own you.”

It was never about dance. Never about winning a medal.

It was always about owning your heart even if he had to crush it to get there.

………

Shade sank into her eyes, wanted to. To see her safe, to see her at all, and, for the fragment of a heartbeat, to imagine Gisa’s eyes, so similar, were those of Mare who had been a hostage for three months now. “What are you doing here …?” Gisa whispered and truth be told, he could’ve asked her the same. But no one replied as Gisa started to giggle like a fool, a habit that felt so awfully normal like home that it hurt. Everyone was blushing as his entry became obvious to the other two, also the first speaker, who finally turned her head over her shoulder, not the least bit surprised to see him. “That’s inaccurate,” Diana said. “The real question is, what took him so long?” She smirked at him yet despite her amused tone, worry showed in her frown that Gisa and Cameron couldn’t see from this angle. An angle, he couldn’t help noticing, becoming her marvellously with the way her chin-long curls framed her cheek. No, he wasn’t beyond being left speechless by her beauty when she glowed like this. He had no idea how long the awkward silence lasted until he snapped out of it and stepped over, resting his hand on Diana’s shoulder before she rose and went to him. After quickly exchanging glances, strangely nervous, Cameron and Gisa jumped up, shoving together the papers on the bed. Diana slammed shut the folder and Gisa hugged him. “I’m glad to see you”, he told her quietly although he still didn’t know what she did here in the Rocasta base, so near to military operations. “So am I,” Gisa replied, released him and left, taking Cameron by the hand. “What was going on here?” he asked as he dropped behind Diana on the bed, unstrapping his boots. “Classified information,” she answered but he heard – she couldn’t hide it from her tone, he knew her well enough now – that she wasn’t all business. He snorted, done with the shoes, and inched closer until their legs met and his chest was to her back. She sighed, but his digging she must’ve expected didn’t come. Indeed, he didn’t care, not right now. What he wanted was just this, leaning on her, his face on her neck breathing in her scent. His arms embraced her from behind, hands resting on her six-months-belly. An instance of grounding, only strengthened by the tiniest flutter he could feel of their baby. He longed to forget his shame by holding his world in his arms. This part at least. Diana weaved his fingers with his, her posture shifting ever so slightly until he couldn’t say who leaned on who. “I really wondered what took you so long, you were expected back half a day earlier,” she said eventually. He hmphed. “Not unusually late.” “You’re so quiet.” “Classified information,” he murmured. She stirred while he hugged her closer. “Maybe better this way,” she said. She must be rolling her eyes. “That I don’t give you orders anymore.” But her pulse was quickening against his cheek. He’d been sent on missions she wasn’t responsible for, true, and it left her scared for him despite everything. He understood that well enough, his own worry for her currently quelled knowing she held back due to her pregnancy. Still, her reaction flustered him when, ironically, she was wrong in this specific case. “You needn’t have worried, Dee,” he said, and she released a relieved breath, likely thinking of a relatively harmless operation. Well, it had been, and he yearned to leave it at that, to stay a few minutes longer in this intimate cocoon. He doubted he had the right to make a wish right now, when he’d already chosen safety. Just one more second, one kiss on the bare part of her shoulder, and he broke the embrace, sinking on the floor to his knees to face her. He met her eyes, then lowered his gaze, gathering himself once more. His fingers playing with a loose curl of hers. Looking up, he confessed. “I strayed from orders.” She raised her eyebrows. “Now that’s nothing new but it doesn’t sound – ” “Safe? It was completely, utterly reckless. I could only hope not to be too stupid. “Because I aimed to free Mare.”

The Scarlet Guard used Shade as backup for escapes sparingly, regarding the limits to people he could bring with him. When he wasn’t assisting in the taking of Corvium, his new handler Blake sent him on reconnaissance missions. Shade kept waiting for assassination orders though they never came – so far. Due to his ability, it tended to be spotty work, often including theft and sabotage rather than infiltration. Between jobs, that left him chances to see Diana who planned altogether different operations. Growing enmeshed with Command as she was, who knew how far she was aware how he was tied into the greater picture. Unlike during their first cooperations, Diana appeared fine with it now, him under another’s orders. He felt less so and as Blake had Shade follow the front movements and searching Corvium for weak spots, he’d been itching to approach the royal progress. It happened that he was to visit the same locations – afterwards, to listen for whispers of treason against King Maven. Bitterness filled Shade as he was close but carefully kept away from Mare, who was always on the screens beside her captor. Shade had believed it reasonable. He’d seen the brutal results of Nanny’s infiltration. He’d stayed behind during the failed pro-Cal coup. But while the banished prince was reined in, he’d helped the Guard win Corvium, cheered with them as Cameron’s brother Morrey was freed even as everyone chewed at still seeing Mare as the king’s trophy and mouthpiece. When he received the orders three days ago, Shade had had enough of waiting and playing safe. He had this ability that had proved so useful, had saved his loved ones’ lives so many times, he had a duty to Mare to at least try. Would she not expect him to try? He would grind his teeth no longer and enter the royal party. The opportunity sounded almost a ploy, find out who the king was meeting at the Choke, implying that Shade would evade Maven and come from the other side. This time, he picked the confrontation.

“I’ve learned to master standing around silver residences without notice. Even before I stole a sentinel uniform, no one took issue with me. It was almost too easy, eavesdropping for the official mission in the meantime. I only had to teleport when no one would wonder at sudden appear – or disappearances. Everyone knew where the royal party was staying, and this residence had little difference to others, and they love to gossip about Mare. It hurt to hear, but I needn’t care when I’d succeed, right?

“Security increased the closer I got but I still came through in the disguise. And then I knew. I didn’t see the door, I felt it. The wall of silence beyond the door.

“I was hit by it just by starting to teleport. I never … It happens in a blink, usually. There, I noted how every bit of me would materialize and I wasn’t sure if I’d be just slow or appear in bits. What I knew was that it was impossible to bring Mare with me. She’s shackled in silent stone! No idea how they manage it. How she endures. I …” But he had no words for the thought. It expressed itself as a sob he tried to swallow.

Diana never let go of his hand as he told her – his dominant left clasped by both of hers. It didn’t help either of them to keep from shaking.

“I just stopped. Stood there, about to get caught after all, calculating if there wasn’t a way, any way.” He shook his head.

Diana’s hold grew tighter. “You were alone. You couldn’t have expected …”

Shade faced her and she must’ve grasped his meaning in his eyes as she startled. She still didn’t let go, like a buoy. He straightened. “So I left. Ran away. Jumped out of their base and barely hid my disguise on my way back here.”

She shifted closer, face inches above his. “It’s as you should’ve done. Shade. The only thing you could.” She swallowed. “You gathered intel and retreated before you were trapped and arrested. To know how Mare is kept –”

He pulled his hand away. “Don’t talk about this like such an officer.” She blinked. “I know that. I’ve tried to explain it to myself the whole last day. And I haven’t felt a drop less guilty for it.”

“You …” Diana moved to hug him and he prevented her by cupping her cheeks.

This moment, he needed his gaze to hold on to her eyes. “I didn’t think practical,” he whispered. “I went, selfishly, out of desire, and ended it for it as well. It was pure need to survive. For you. I couldn’t bear the risk of not coming back to you, leaving our child behind. Not even for Mare.”

Diana slid off the bed, hugging him as she sank to sit on his knees. A sob escaped his throat.

“There was no chance,” she reminded him.

He closed his eyes, resting his head in her chest. “You said you wouldn’t pick – us or the cause. You say you’ll do both, both is important. With only one absolute – keep our baby alive. But I did. Choose. I picked us over Mare.” Tears wetted her sweater. “It’s my shame and yet I don’t regret it.”

Her hands rubbed his back, through his hair. “We’ll do better. I promise you, we’ll do better and free her.”

Her words were a lifeline, a tether that did little to diminish the raging waves of his heartbeat. “You hate promises,” he said.

Diana snorted faintly. “I’ve kept working on it.” She kissed his temple. “You don’t know all progress we make. Mare is fighting, and we’ll come from the other front.”

He woke to the smell of coffee. Its vitalizing odour filled his nose, steam warming his face as he opened his eyes.

Diana smiled at him, already unfairly groomed. She stroked his arm. “A drink to get you up, but breakfast waits in the mess hall.” The corners of her mouth dropped. “Did you even eat last evening?”

Shade struggled to find his limbs to rose and sip the coffee. They’d stayed cuddled last night, barely managing to undress before he fell asleep. He shook his head, exhaustion clinging to every part of his body, eyes sore from crying. Tentatively, he tested the first swallows of the brew. “I had a bite. When I was debriefed.”

Diana patted his leg. “You still had something to report?”

“Enough. The ones around ... well, they know enough.”

She narrowed her eyes. “What?”

He downed the rest of the mug. “I thought we professionals keep quiet?” He made light of it but no grin entered his face. “What’s the plan for today?”

She sat down next to him and put an arm around his waist, looking at him inquiringly. “Work out. A meeting. Supply chain check, finances, the usual. But fresh up first, then breakfast.”

They held hands on the way to the mess hall and after a shower, Shade felt almost alive. Yet he was glad of Diana’s pampering and idle conversation.

“Gisa has applied to the guard a while ago, with your brothers,” she explained when he asked. “Only the support we task minors with and … it was chance she was called to Rocasta while we are here, too. Yes.”

“Hm. I don’t like it still. Can’t you make an exception and put in a word about what she does?”

Diana drew in a breath.

He sighed. “Okay, okay, spare me the lecture.”

“A bit protective, are we?”

He squeezed her hand, glancing at her. “Increasingly.”

She bumped his shoulder. “She gets along with Cameron really well. They met before we’ve freed Cameron’s brother and they feel similarly, apparently. Being the same age and with a sibling as hostage.”

“Just ‘feeling similarly’?” he teased.

She grinned. Maybe more than that.”

“I really didn’t notice.” He shook his head. “I overlooked her, with all other things.”

“We have a lot to shoulder.” Having reached the mess hall, she turned to him. Her other hand splayed on her belly, the first time since he returned. She must’ve refrained to absent-minded touches until now, to focus on him. That was hard for her, he knew. She already loved the baby so much, the mere anticipation shaped her into a new, lighter-hearted person, a hidden aspect of her he hadn’t been aware of.

Himself, he wasn’t so sure. Her excitement carried him along, his love for her had him follow her everywhere. The thought of letting her down pained him. He didn’t know what to expect while he also couldn’t wait to meet their child and he felt an undeniable duty to them, yet the shape of this duty remained beyond his grasp.

“Don’t you want to go in?” he said, glancing to the mess hall.

Again, she looked at him in this strange way of this morning and sighed. “Are you ... ready for the world?”

He cackled, clasping the door handle. “What else is there?” He stepped over the threshold, even as Diana stood still for an eyeblink.

“Wait –”

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SHADE!!”

He stumbled at the loud cheer, his hand going to his heart in exasperation. He almost fell against Diana who’d sidled close again. Gladly, he leaned against her as he calmed himself, assessing the congregation.

The party.

Everyone was there, or so it seemed at least. Gisa, Cameron and her brother Morrey, his brothers – even his parents! People he knew from the Notch and other comrades he’d recently worked with. Some weren’t there, of course, like Kilorn and Cal, but he saw Sara and Julian and even Diana’s father, skulking around … that dick. Maybe Diana was gracious he tried but Shade couldn’t stand the way the colonel was so clearly uncomfortable behaving like, well, family, and Shade hated how that had hurt Diana over the years and she didn’t dare addressing that openly.

Diana clutched his arm, whispering into his ear. “I’m sorry, I decided to tell you just a moment too late …” He nodded, helplessly. “I thought you were aware, of the date, and just didn’t make a big thing of it …”

His disbelieving gaze wandered from the assembly to the filled tables, back to Diana.

“I …” Indeed, he had been aware of his birthday on February 2nd, not expecting anything of it. He wasn’t certain Diana would remember the timing or prepare anything, regarding the one or two times they’d mentioned birthdays … but it was him who’d forgotten about what day it was entirely the moment he’d stood before Mare’s gilded prison door and panicked.

He was relieved Cal wasn’t there, right now. To look at him, after what Shade and attempted and failed at, knowing that Cal wanted the same – he needed time to process that.

Shade straightened, borrowing posture from the steel in Diana’s eyes. Then he cupped her face and kissed her, hard.

The others clapped.

Letting go, swallowing a laugh caused by the silly clapping, he cleared his throat and spread his arms, doing his best of playing the role of the stunned and grateful birthday kid.

Glossing over them staring at him expectantly for likely minutes now. “What have you bleeding done here!” he exclaimed. “Thank you so much!” Already, they rushed to hug or shake hands to congratulate him and he swam into the flood. It was easy to do, go with the flow to drown the shame he’d arrived in. Shade excelled at pretending and blending in and today, they deserved a happy reaction. And he wanted to, to enjoy friends, family, and comrades. They had gathered here, bringing and preparing all that wonderful food he just about realized he was starving for.

The mess hall looked like a silver bakery in Harbor Bay, tables laden various warm breads, all different shapes, sizes and toppings, a spread of meat and cheese slices, eggs, cakes and puddings. The first bite of dark bread with grated carrots, still soft, fresh from the oven, warmed his entire self. The guests recommended snacks and he followed the advice gladly. Cakes fluffy like clouds, excitingly crunchy or tasteful compounds of nuts and fruits, he took every bite as he fell into the chatter and remembered they’d all come despite knowing Mare wasn’t there.

Could they not celebrate despite her captivity?

Could Shade deny them this?

His father, the last one he’d expected to meet here, told him how Sara was looking at replacing his leg and improving his lungs and Shade didn’t want to stop embracing him as his father commented on the frontlines.

Bree teased him that he’d barely escaped becoming a teen dad, now that he was twenty, and Tramy embellished an adventure about procuring the food and preventing a disaster when making the cakes with Gisa, Cameron and Morrey. It sounded so similar to chaotic past birthdays, at home, in the Stilts, where one midnight after the party, Shade asked Kilorn to practise kissing as a present and Kilorn complied.

Julian tapped his shoulder and offered him fried apple rings in dough, and, self-deprecating as Julian could be, confessed he put in extra efforts because it was his birthday, too, and they shared hilarious mirrored congratulations.

The colonel told him his first name was Willis and Shade made himself say it.

The talking and feasting went on until his mouth strained and, looking for his mother, he finally found Diana again, sitting next to her. His mother, smiling like the sun, hugged him tight and yet it was she alone who openly bore that heavy sadness in her eyes that Shade was only hiding. He didn’t have to pretend with her. Yet she also understood the meaning of celebrating right now.

In the end, as the congregation shushed them away to clean up, Diana rose and cupped his cheek. “Do you forgive me?” she asked.

He blinked. “Didn’t I show you?” he countered, and kissed her again, softer but longer. Their brows rested against each other. Both of them the same height – with Diana slightly taller –, it felt so clear how equally matched they were and with the arms around each other, they started to sway as if there were music to dance to.

“The next time – ,” he began, “ – when is your birthday again?”

Diana groaned, chewing her lip. “In May … you know, the due date …”

He grinned. “You’re still embarrassed about that?”

She gasped, slapping his chest. “You remembered all along!”

He grabbed that hand that bumped him, rising it to his lips to kiss. “No one knows if it’ll be the same day for real, calm down.” His smile faded. “But I want one thing to be certain.” She found his eyes, questioningly. “To have Mare at the next party.”

“She will be,” Diana confirmed once more but apparently less convinced than last night.

Shade nodded, his gaze striving away. Maybe they didn’t need assurance, and hope had to be enough.

After today, he thought he could start with that.

A/N 2: CAMISA SHOULD’VE HAPPENED

For a long time, I was a bit uninspired for Shade’s birthday post this year until I had an idea this Sunday morning. It’s weird, it feels like I teleported into Fadeland since I have created this in five days after I spent almost eight joyful months in Fadeland last time, happily procrastinating! ^^° I will continue the Shade/Farley birthday posts at least until next year for the 10 year Red Queen jubilee.

However, I have to apologize:

For excluding Cal, I’m so sorry for those who hoped for him but just considering to include him in the party is so awkward. Having Shade look into his Cal’s puppy eyes wishing his brother(-in-law) happy birthday while he must be thinking about how everyone chided Cal for impulsively making Mare a priority in risky operations with Shade then doing the same to utterly fail and be comforted by his very present pregnant girlfriend – the party would’ve crashed right then (or Shade would’ve filled his mouth with food and just replied with a “hm, thanks”). But Shade will confess this to him later on and they’ll have a deep bonding talk about Mare and love and siblings!

For the off-handed mention of Shade kissing Kilorn – I’ve considered both Farley and Shade as bi for years but never grasped the chance to state this for Shade (maybe in my Calorn AU, a little) and thought today, now or never, even though it became just a tiny bit. I hope to do better in future, should not another writing block or technical problem happen.

My inner bread snob jumped out, sorry not sorry. I thought about how often characters – usually girls – can describe delicious food in books only to not eat it in the end and while it’s a man here, I wanted to say fuck that, go binge

They’re so angstily dramatic

I hope you enjoyed, and once again:

CAMISA SHOULD’VE HAPPENED