purityworld decon's courtship retreats are now heritage foundation policy proposals!
you know, just in case you thought this shit was fun and romantic...
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purityworld decon's courtship retreats are now heritage foundation policy proposals!
you know, just in case you thought this shit was fun and romantic...

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Lord Harry Potter and the Maiden's Kiss: London, August 1996
Ragnok cleared his throat and set down two sheets of parchment in front of Harry and Sirius. âBlood test results,â he announced. âCongratulations. Neither of you are currently impersonating other people.â âI couldâve told you that myself,â said Sirius dryly. âStandard procedure, Mr Black. Deep apologies for the inconvenience.â Harry turned his parchment over to see his name and what seemed to basically amount to a bank statement of sorts. âThatâs it?â he asked. The two goblins promptly burst into laughter. âWhat do you think we are, the keepers of the Tome of Avalon?â cackled Ragnok. âWe are a financial institution, not a genealogy service!â âI dunno,â said Harry, stung. âI thought maybe it would show meââ âAny extra inheritances youâd be eligible to collect?â finished Bogrod, as he wiped a tear from his eye. âHammer and tongs, my dear boy, youâve been bamboozled by that scammer, Grug Goldensnout, and his supposed secret lineage-detecting blood test! Thatâs why weâve had to increase security downstairs: weâve had some real blagduks coming in claiming inheritances from Merlin and whatâs-her-face, Mother Magic. Lady doesnât even exist, I tell you, much less have an account with us. And if that unwashed pickpocket Fletcher really is a Peverell heir, Iâll eat my own nose!â Ragnok snorted, before promptly sobering up. âWe should discuss the will,â he muttered. âOh, yes, yes, we should,â agreed Bogrod, still chortling as he brought out a file marked with a bunch of numbers on the front.
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Lord Harry Potter and the Maiden's Kiss: Hogsmeade, October 1996
âThe blood traitor stuff is important, Draco,â said Lord Malfoy impatiently, reaching over and snatching Harryâs sandwich out of his fingers. He then grabbed a spare plate and placed the sandwich on it, next to a brie and prosciutto crostini and an apple tartlet. âHere is our family: your mother,â he held up the cucumber sandwich, âyourself,â gesturing to the tartlet, âand me.â He waved a hand at the crostini. He then added in an egg and cress sandwich and a smoked salmon sandwich. âHigh Lord Slytherin and Lord Rabastan. And this summer, High Lord Slytherin brokered the purchase of your Bonding contract by the Lestranges. ThereforeâŠâ He moved the tartlet to sit next to the smoked salmon sandwich on the saucer. âBut then I kissed Harry,â said Draco, already moving down a small pot of pumpkin and Butterbeer cream mousse and swapping out the smoked salmon sandwich with it. âPutting us in breach of contract,â finished Lord Malfoy, placing the other two sandwiches next to the crostini. âAnd now the Lestranges have several options open to them. Firstâand this is the ideal situationâthey will demand restitution for spoiled assets. The Lestranges paid for an un-Kissed virgin, so we return their investment with additional compensation for their disappointment in being denied your Maidenâs Kiss.â Harry made a face at the idea of a price being put on Dracoâs chastity at all, causing the other boy to squeeze his knee in a gentle warning. âIâm sure that wonât be a problem,â declared Draco, in a voice of forced bravado. âWeâve got more money than the Lestranges.â
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And a bonus (does this count as #drawdrarrybadly???)
Hereâs how I try to look at it, and this is just me. This guy becoming Minister for Magic, itâs like thereâs a basilisk loose at Hogwarts. Itâs like thereâs a basilisk, loose at Hogwarts. I think eventually everythingâs going to be okay, but Iâve got no idea whatâs going to happen next, and neither do any of you, and neither do your parents, because thereâs a basilisk, loose at Hogwarts. Now, weâve had snakes at this school before, and some of them have been very scary, like that one slithery little fellow during the 17th centuryâyeah, very scary eyes on that oneâbut this oneâs a confirmed basilisk, and we confirmed that back in the 1980s! We sent some people out to figure out whatâs going on and they said, yep, definitely a basilisk, and now for some reason weâve let him back into the castle! And heâs got all his little snakes following him like knights, and we know heâs going to petrify someone, because what else does a basilisk do at Hogwarts? Take a Potions class? Improve New Blood relations? Merlin, no, heâs a basilisk doing whatever he wants at Hogwarts! All the experts on the previous fellow are dead. So they try to find new experts on the wireless. Theyâre like, âWeâre now joined by a witch who saw a hag redeeming herself to Mother Magic.â Get out of there with that shit! Weâve all seen a hag beg Mother Magic for redemption! This is a BASILISK, LOOSE at HOGWARTS! When thereâs a basilisk at Hogwarts, youâve got to stay updated. So all day long you walk around, âWhatâs the basilisk doing?â The updates, theyâre not always bad. Sometimes theyâre just odd. Itâll be like, âThe basilisk is mandating the Trace be put on pregnant mages.â I didnât know he could do that. The creepiest days are the ones when you donât hear from the basilisk at all. Youâre in the Great Hall having pudding like, âHey, has anyone⊠has anyone heardââ [hissing noises] Those are those quiet days when the Purebloods go, âOh, I donât think itâs a basilisk at all. I think itâs just a very large, very respectable snake!â And then ten seconds later the basilisk goes, âIâm going to slither into the library and turn all the children into stone! Iâve got nice shiny petrifying eyes and a body the size of Salazarâs ego, Iâm a basilisk!â Thatâs what I thought youâd say, you bloody fucking basilisk!
âJohn, of the Risible House of Mulaney
For more context: The Whispers of Lady Polixenes, June 1996
Thank you to @hearseire for helping me write this parody ;)
Lord Harry Potter and the Maiden's Kiss: The Burrow, August 1996
There was a flash of something silver, and Harry instinctively slammed on the brakes. âWhat the hell was that?â demanded Ron, though within seconds they saw what had caused the flash. The bird was glowing just like Harryâs stag and Ginnyâs horse. It perched itself on the bonnet and began preening at its feathers, before opening its beak: âHelp me.â Harry was glad heâd already had his foot on the brakes, because he might have lost control of the wheel at that. As it was, all he could do was stare at the silver bird, his heart racing. A Patronus with a message for him down in Falmouth⊠surely it had to be⊠ âHarry, no,â Hermione said, watching the bird warily. Harry had only a second or two to be offended by Hermione having already guessed his thoughts before she pointed out, âYouâve never even seen him cast a Patronus; how do you know this isnât a trap?â âYou think I donât recognise Dracoâs voice?â protested Harry, as his stag propped its hooves on the dashboard to get a better look at the bird as well. âWho else would be sending me a Patronus message from out here?â âHelp me,â repeated the bird, tapping at the glass with its beak. âIf Malfoy knew how to cast a Patronus, then why wouldnât he have done it sooner?â demanded Hermione.Â
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Lord Harry Potter and the Maiden's Kiss: Hogwarts, 1-16 November 1996
Soon, they were cloistered in one of the empty classrooms in the Transfiguration corridor. âGo on then,â said Harry, hopping onto the desk with their bags. âA little less power than the amount you used to get the exploding bird, but a little more than the feather puffs.â âVery helpful,â grouched Draco, hiding another yawn behind his hand. âAvis.â This time, only a couple feathers popped out the end of his wand. Draco scowled and shook his wand again, as if trying to wake it up. A couple more feathers popped out. Harry frowned. âThatâsââ âNot enough intent, yeah, I know.â The frustration was waking Draco up, at least, though it also made the shadows under his eyes even more pronounced. âItâs justâevery time I close my eyes, I see him againâŠâ Harry had a good idea of who Draco was talking about. Heâd woken from that nightmare all sweaty and nauseous, too, just seeing the way Rabastan Lestrange had leered at Draco in his memories. âBut youâre here now, where that creepy old wanker canât get to you.â âThat creepy old wanker is holding my father hostage,â spat Draco. He slashed his wand again, causing a weird little armless bird-thing to plop out of his wand and plummet right to the floor. Harry Vanished it before Draco could see it and be sick again. âYeah, but your father made me swear to protect you,â he said, as Draco resumed causing downpours of feathers throughout the room. âSo thatâs what weâve got to do⊠get your magic back on track.â And the other thing, he added silently, because the lengthening shadows under Dracoâs eyes told him that the Maidenâs Kiss was the farthest thing on his mind right now. Heâd been like this ever since coming back from Hogsmeade. Harry wished there was more that he could do about it.
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Lord Harry Potter and the Whispers of Lady Polixenes, a fic by @omgkatsudonplease with banner art by the lovely @the-colourful-witch
Suddenly, there was a shout from the Hufflepuff table. âLook!â exclaimed Hannah Abbott, pointing at the enchanted ceiling. âItâs snowing!â Harry looked up, and was nearly hit in the face by a piece of parchment. He grabbed it to see that it was titled Lady Polixenesâ Hogwarts Secrets, Issue 7. All around them, leaflets of parchment were falling out of the rafters. Students were brushing leaflets off of their food, slipping on loose sheets, flinging them at one another. A sleeping Neville Longbottom over at the Gryffindor table was quickly covered in a mountain of parchment. Up at the High Table, Dumbledore was watching the mayhem with great amusement, while Umbridge had gone rather purple-faced trying to destroy all of the falling parchment without setting the rest of the Great Hall on fire. âSTOP IT!â she bellowed, as some of the first-years started to jump around, plucking papers out of the air. âDo not read these! These leaflets are illicit publications, and I forbid you to read them!â No one, however, seemed to be listening to her. Professor Liu, who had finally deigned to start taking meals in the Great Hall again, was openly reading a leaflet in the seat right next to Umbridge. Professor McGonagall and Severina were both surreptitiously tucking their own copies into the folds of their robes. Students from all four houses were also sneaking copies of the leaflets, though some of their peersâespecially at the Slytherin tableâwere trying to help Umbridge destroy the rest. âDetentions!â howled Umbridge. âDetention to anyone caught with a copy of this pernicious Lady Polixenes!â Election Year has hit New Avalon, and everything is changing. This year, Lord Harry of the Honourable and Most Ancient House of Potter must navigate the chessboard of Pureblood society, whilst dealing with the appointment of a despotic High Inquisitor to Hogwarts, internal strife amongst previously-unshakeable friend groups, and his own confusing teenage feelings. Part Five of Heirs of Avalon, a Pureblood Culture deconstruction.
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Lord Harry Potter and the Maiden's Kiss: Hogwarts, 17-30 November 1996
âLav,â repeated Harry, wondering if this nauseousness was how Ron felt every time he talked about Draco. âItâs been a weekâactually, no, sheâs been calling you âWon-Wonâ since before you went down on one knee. And you took the mic out of me for getting that Eternal Plum clipping for QiuâŠâ âYeah, but who were you obsessing over for four years, her or Malfoy?â Ron shot back. âYour courtship with her popped out of nowhere! And I was right, wasnât I? Qiu was just practice for you, so that you couldâŠâ He trailed off, face growing pink as Harryâs own grew warm. Awkwardly, he turned away from Ron to look over at where Lavender and Parvati had just left the classroom. Parvati nudged Lavender and pointed, and Lavenderâs eyes promptly lit up. âWon-Won!â she exclaimed, pelting over at top speed to give Ron her satchel. âWalk me to the P.I.G.E.O.N.S. committee meeting, wonât you?â She began tugging Ron down the hallway with her, already chattering on and on about the kinds of decorations she wanted to get for the leaversâ ball in June. Harry and Parvati exchanged a commiserating look. âI thought the Yule Ball had been the end of it,â she mused, nodding at the back of Lavenderâs golden updo. The flowers from Ronâs bouquet had been woven in between the twists and curls. âI mean, he spent the whole thing just glaring at Viktor Krum, and then he had that terrible row with Hermione afterwardsâŠâ Harry had also been involved in that row, but he wisely held his tongue on that. âMaybe itâs for the best,â continued Parvati, twisting the bangles at her wrist. âTony and I talk a lot about our different cultural backgrounds, but we donât let it get in the way of us, you know? Hermione comes from such a different world, and sheâs so terribly incurious about the Old Ways⊠itâs no wonder that Ron would want to look elsewhere now that weâre olderâŠâ
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