#hexagonalpeg

He's a carpenter, which doesn't pay well, and I'm currently working part-time retail, which likewise but worse. Living in LA is not going to give us a chance to get any distance from each other to figure our respective stuff out because expensive, so we're thinking that taking a break from each other for a bit to live in different places that are not LA would be a good plan. Right now, I'm looking at either Seattle or Portland, because I have family and friends I could live with on the cheap while I look for an actualfax job that isn't retail, and he's thinking a ski town where he can get experience working with food. 

My questions are two: 1. Does this plan sound insane? Note that I'm going in with the expectation that we might never get back together; even though that's where we started out, long-distance is hard and we're both changing a lot right now. I think I would be happier living in Not LA but who knows. And 2. how much do I suck for leaving my part-time retail job after only a few months? I actually like it there, the people are cool and I feel like I'm learning a lot about sales and dealing with my anxiety, so I feel bad for peacing out. Thanks for all you do for the internet! 

Well, I don’t know that the plan sounds insane, per se, but I’m not sure it’s entirely rational if your main concern is the health of your relationship. 

There are a lot of things that can put stress on a relationship, and it sounds like you’re experiencing a lot of them -- money issues, “figuring out your life” issues, locational issues. LA is a stressful place, for use.

But generally if you’re concerned with the relationship, separating and pursuing careers in separate places is not super duper helpful. Usually when people are in a relationship and under that kind of stress, their first action is to try and remove the sources of the stress, not...the other person in the relationship.

I think separating makes sense if you have a plan to eventually reunite, and individually both your plans are sound -- going somewhere the work is, going somewhere you can live for cheap. So in that sense no, the plan is not at all irrational. But in terms of the life of your relationship, yeah, this isn’t a great move -- you’re going to separate locations with the idea of settling into careers in these separate locations, rather than going to one place where you can both advance your careers. (I hear these days Portland is a great food town, FWIW.) And while it can be more difficult to move somewhere together, people do it all the time -- it takes work, but it’s not impossible. So I have to admit to a bit of curiosity as to why you and your partner’s impulses, when under stress, are to separate and establish yourselves in different places rather than to get somewhere less stressful together. Sometimes time away from a relationship can be good, but I’m not sure that sounds like why you’re doing it. 

I dunno, there are a lot of factors that go into a relationship and I can’t possibly know all of them, only you two can know that. But I think if you part with the intention of staying together, you should seriously discuss how that’s going to work and what your plan for reuniting is. It’s easy to say you’re gonna wing it, not so easy to do once you’re actually in the air. :D 

As for question two, you’re in a part-time retail job; they might love you, and you might like working there, but the turnover’s pretty high and they generally don’t expect people will commit for life. Leaving after a few months is not even that unusual, I promise :)