journal entry 1: starting to implement healthy habits in the morning

this morning was a morning for the books! super proud of myself for starting to implement healthy habits to start my day and honestly, i have noticed such a huge improvement in how positive i feel. positive thinking and feeling have been very hard for me to do recently but since starting this blog and following women who are working on themselves too, it has given me a sense of community and purpose.

how my mornings typically go...

wake up without an alarm clock

scroll on my phone for a couple of hours while still being in bed

do my skincare routine maybe 1-2x a week

do my oral hygiene routine later on in the day

get fast food for breakfast

come home

scroll on internet longer looking at motivational things and adding to my pinterest boards

nap

repeat

this morning on the other hand...

You know that feeling you get when something that used to be a huge part of your life went missing but then it reappears and it’s like it never left? That feeling can happen with a person as well. It happened with Lee when we tried another go. The feeling has followed Faer back into my life. At least, at first. We talked for a long time after running into him at the very spot where our time together started. I ended up on the Arlandria, drunk off of two swigs of firewater, and sleeping in his bed. It didn’t go further than that, though I can still feel the kisses he gave me.

It took me a long while to come out of the dark fog that had surrounded me in the months after my rescue. I am caught between anger and disillusionment. I am told not to blame myself for the loss of my men, but they were my responsibility and I made the wrong decision and it ended up costing so many lives. Some would say that it stands to reason that the Light has forsaken me. It’s more like I’ve forsaken it. The strength behind the willpower and purpose has been shattered because I failed to protect. I failed those men and women…

I’ve been here before. This is the second time around. It took a long while and two wars to pull myself out of this state of mind. I don’t think I’ll need to use anyone as a crutch like I did Syls. I need time away. Doing something completely different. I need to -be- someone completely different for awhile. I’ll have to talk to Jayyson about this. I can’t just up and leave.

I think I scared Faer with how similar our lives have become. I’ve always thought we were born of the same cloth, but to have experienced so many of the same things and come out in a similar mindset...it -is- kind of scary. This could turn out to be something good for us or the thing that pushes us further apart. I’ve never considered myself an easy person to court. Perhaps keeping this whole thing unlabeled is a good first step. Maybe.

It has been ages since I’ve felt this determined to write. Jayy’s helped me come mostly back to myself. He is more dear to me for that reason than he knows. I still have a reason to fight. The absence of the Light will not stop me from protecting my family.

There doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason to the way my life is going. One moment, I think I’ve found a new beat to follow and the next, I’m drifting again. There was once such a steadfastness to my life. I knew what I wanted from life and whom I wanted to spend it with. The ocean of chaos and chance that has been the definition of this year has touched down once again. It has taken Nolavar from me. Rather...it has taken away the romantic aspect out of our relationship. I find I am not quite as upset about this as I could be. It was a mutual agreement and frankly, I think I need friends rather than lovers right now.

I’ve tried to move on too fast. I know that it will help, moving on that is. I just...need to take a step back. Enjoy the time I have with the twins. Continue to focus on my craft. And try not to revert back to wondering where my husband carried himself off to. I thought my life was built on a foundation of rock. It’s all been shifting sands.

I hate sand. The way it clings in the small spaces between the toes. The way it hides in the hair and refuses to go away. It digs itself into the flesh and itches so badly that your skin is red and raw before it finally goes away. Memories...are like that. The bad ones are like a grain of sand. It’s easy to bury and forget; until you have a moment of downtime and then it makes its presence known; and you tear at yourself and live through those moments again. Over and over again until your mind is numb and your heart is heavy as stone.

Grief and anger have been my companions, even through the brighter moments. Even when I brought the boys home from Pandaria. I wonder if there isn’t something else working in me. Some sort of shadow that I have not seen. Not even the light of my children can banish it completely.

Queen Arianna

I am still questioning my sanity just a bit. I was out and about shopping a few days ago when I ran into a gentleman by the name of Nolavar Blightsun. He watched me haggle with the fruit vendor I prefer and struck up a conversation and then followed me to the nutty nut vendor. I showed her what for and guaranteed him a fair price for what he wanted. I was so taken with this man that I ended up inviting him to Gallaria’s apartment, which she had given me permission to use should I need it. We baked a pie, a pear streusel pie. We shared a drink. And then got into the hot tub and ended up ...sleeping together.

It was not the alcohol. We only had one shot of bourbon. It was...an impulse. A very good impulse. A delicious impulse. We have rocketed into a courtship, one that I called a bit backwards because we’ve already been intimate. I do not mind so much. He’s a doll. I am sort of still on the fence if I should trust him. I feel that I can trust him, but sometimes my gut feelings are wrong. I pray that they are not with him.

There is to be a party and I’m planning the menu. I am going to meet his daughter and his second in command. He’s a bit of a soldier, I think, though he hasn’t said for which faction in the Horde just yet. I am sure it will come out. At any rate, I don’t really think that’s at all important at the moment. We are still in the stage of getting to know each other. I do not know if it will proceed far enough along to a point where we discuss a future together. Life can change far too fast to put too much hope in one person. I learned that lesson the hard way.

I will put down my thoughts on him and our courtship more often as things develop. For now, I’ve sent him a note and I’m to meet him out on the beach. I have a menu plan written up for his approval.

I’ve spent so long in fear of him. I’ve lost entire days of my life for no reason at all and I can’t shake the feeling that he is somehow behind it. And now, after taking so much pleasure in torturing me, he’s apologized. I kept my tongue in check and ‘accepted’ his apology, but I do not know if I’ll ever really forgive him. All I can hope for is peace of mind. At least from that corner of my worries.

I’ve told my sister just a small portion of the feelings I am harboring over Lan’s disappearance. She says to leave him and move on. I find that a terrifying prospect but as I told Pamina last night, I am already halfway there; what with the boys tucked safely away and the Frostflower taken out of my worries. The next step I suppose is taking Kiro’s offer of hitching a ride to Ratchet. I do not know what I would find in Kalimdor, aside from a head full of sand and the need to maintain a cocoon of chill air.

I’ve thought about reaching out to one of the Zeddicus brothers. ..The ones with the ships. That family rivals the D’athion clan in terms of size. Pamina seems to have a low opinion of them both, but Camsyn nor Cerothyn have given me reason to feel similarly. Yes, they are pirates. Yes, they are scoundrels That does not dissuade me from at least trusting either of them when it comes to piloting a ship and its crew. I don’t know what to do quite yet. I will have to make a decision soon.

I will have to visit the boys after my trip. It should be easy enough to have...whoever I’m with drop me off down there. I can always use a portal to get back to the mainland.

I shall continue to walk forward. Hopefully with more of a clear mind than these last few weeks.

It’s been a strange couple of days. From Aiden’s apology to meeting and spilling my guts to someone I do not know very well; the strange has ranged from  one end to the other. I’m strangely okay with it. Maybe it’s the Thistle talking. Pretty sure it has a hand in my acceptance of my world being so topsy turvy. It is also a good thing I’ve not kept up on breastfeeding. I do not wish any harm upon my babies.

I’ve read the contents of the envelope Kiro gave me. Everything seems like it is going to go smoothly. Despite his apparent need to ‘keep it between us’ that he’s actually quite a softy, he’s...a softy. With a warm heart. And despite my annoyance at being used to try and gain favor with Pamina, I don’t seem to mind that much. I do not know how much it helped his cause though. My sister is going through a rather tough time, what with our psychotic egg donor on the loose once again and the situation with Nikki.

It makes me wonder if Aiden has had a hand in helping her cope. I find the fact that I can gain this insight about a man that caused me so much grief over the years. It’s just how the world is working I guess. Everything is different yet so much has remained the same.

I should probably leave the Thistle at home for this trip. I just might fall overboard if I get high out on the open ocean.

This isn’t going in any particular order, but Kiro introduced me to...a friend of his? Her name’s Vice...or so she says. She’s Illidari...so it’s not that unusual for the desire to have a pseudonym for a name I suppose. She is a keen prankster and entrepreneur. I like her.

I miss being held so much. I can’t stand sleeping alone. It is one of the reasons my insomnia has crept back up and a major reason I’ve gotten into Thistle. It still doesn’t erase that desire to be loved and wanted. I could probably pay for a companion but...once was enough in that manner of things.

Great, I’ve made myself weepy again. Time to stop for now.