#hephestis

the shade always comes at the worst time.

//

Being the favorite of the Rondeletian lord wasn’t exactly the best thing.

Being his one sided friend wasn’t really great, either.

Sure, the stability was sort of nice, but Suvan didn’t see him as a means of comfort in any way.

 No, there’s no way you’d see him like that, especially if you knew what he was like. He hid his violent, petulant tendencies well. Angelo came off as a smooth talking gentleman, smart and calculated, who offered good battle strategy to his allies. The only real reason some people put up with him and his shit was because he was a wonderful person to have on your side in times of war or intimidation. It just made sense. 

 Angelo was. At the core of it, smart. Disturbingly smart. Knew how to manipulate and knew how to cover things up. No one outside her personal circle knew what really happened to the former rulers of the land, much less their children. He came off as battle born and suave - until you got closer and he started talking carelessly about others. Showing how little he cared for other people.

Angelo was smart, but at the core of it, he did the things he did because he didn’t give a damn. He was packed with the knowledge he could do just about anything if he could twist words well enough.

 Being in his presence was a normal occurrence, and Suvan herself was good at hiding her own reservations when it came to him. But good lord, it was a bad time to let him know something bothered her. He wasn’t a comfort, the only person he’d do that for was himself.

 Suvan listened to him getting things ready for their bath. She was used to that, at least. Why wouldn’t she? They’d been in countless sexual situations before - a bath together was pretty tame if anything. She’d half expect him to take it somewhere else, but he was more interested in talking to her.

It wasn’t going to be pleasant.

Ugh.

“Do you want the lavender or the rose?” He asked, going through little bottles of oils.

She bit her tongue. Should she leave it up to him? Say she didn’t care?

No, no, he’d be offended if she didn’t care.

“I trust your decision,” she said, leaning her head on top of her knees.

“Clary sage it is then.”

Yep, he had his own decision.

 He was quick to prepare their bath, making sure the water was still warm, before he got in behind her and pulled her to lean against him. Suvan was so used to this kind of closeness with someone she viscerally disliked that it barely phased her. Angelo just did what he liked, her discomfort with his advances didn’t exactly matter - and Suvan had been good at tempering herself with pushy people like that.

“Tell me all about what’s troubling you, my little amethyst.”

Ugh.

 She let herself settle in, good at performing this comfortable act. It wasn’t too hard though - her mind and body were separated most of the time, and she could lean against this chauvinistic dumbass like he were any of her close friends. And she did. She tilted her head back, moving her hands up out of the water to rest them on top of her knees.

“Forgive me if it’s against anything you had in mind, my lord.”

“We’re friends here, you don’t need to be so proper,” he said in a more soft tone, as he ran his hands through her hair. She swallowed, trying to ignore the red flag screaming at her.

“I’m not exactly sure how to approach it without offending you,” she said. “Stop me if it does.”

“I will.” And he wasn’t lying.

“I… Would appreciate it if you stop telling people what happened with my father.”

There was a painful, burning silence, before he finally spoke up.

“The part where he fucked you or the part where you killed him?”

 Suvan had to fight flinching instinctively - gritting her teeth. Couldn’t let it show in her body language, but the way he so bluntly asked really threw her for a loop. She took a deep breath.

“Maybe both. I wouldn’t exactly get in trouble since you’re the reason I’m not doing time for the second thing.”

 Thank god, that made him laugh. Angelo was quick to press a kiss to the top of her head. Even in private he was intent on acting intimate with her - like he cared more about her beyond her services. Sometimes she wondered if he had an attachment because they had been ‘friends’ so long, but Angelo didn’t exactly care for people. It would be silly to assume he ever had an inkling of love for anyone that wasn't himself. 

 She knew that much when he killed Ardghal. She remembered thinking they’d be safe to question his decisions and talking to him on an equal level when things started getting bad, and then Ardy got called in for a private dinner and never came back. She still wished she took the fall. Or something. It wouldn’t have been better, but things were much less stable without him.

 It was a stupid idea now to be telling him this. Suvan knew if she overstepped some boundary he wasn’t telling her about, he could very well break her neck in this position. Or just push her forward and drown her in the tub. Use his claws to dig deep and let her bleed out in the tub. Maybe that last option. 

 She could see it now - framing her death as a suicide. Oh, my favorite little amethyst killed herself after I went to sleep. I thought she was still in bed until I woke up and saw she went missing. I don’t want to think about the sight I saw when I opened the bathroom door. Oh, if I only asked her what was wrong, she always had so much on her mind…

Nauseating. 

“So, you’re telling me you don’t want people to know your dad took your virginity.”

 She opened her mouth, ready to assert that, no, he did not take her virginity. 

 She really had to fight it. Suvan wanted nothing more than to pretend it didn’t count because she didn’t want any of it. She didn’t have the best coping mechanisms, but the one thing that made her feel better was that at least in her eyes, she could define her own virginity. And he didn’t take it. 

 She’d chalk that up to Angelo being the culprit instead. Angelo could be as vile and dehumanizing to her as he wanted, but in her eyes, it was better he be the ‘first’ than her own father. Angelo was worlds better and she just wanted to shut it out of her mind and-

She closed her eyes. Goddamn, she needed a cigarette.

“I’m… Admittedly, having a hard time agreeing to that, but yes. It’s my own trauma that shouldn’t come out. I’d rather strangers not know it.”

“Really? I see it as your defining moment.”

“Excuse-” She had to fight the boiling rage in her chest - defining?

“Lots of horrible things happen to us, you know? So what if he took it, I know you pretend it was me, but he still did. And what does it matter? Virginity’s a social construct. You may as well apply it to other things you do for the first time. Losing your seafood virginity when you try lobster. It’s idiotic.”

 The callousness in which he approached his answer was, well, deafening. She swallowed, trying to think of how to respond. He clearly didn’t care what it meant, but...

“It… means something to me.”

“But you shouldn’t be ashamed.”

“I’m not ash-”

“Like I said, it’s happened to all of us. You managed to survive and you took back control. Just like I did. There’s goods in that situation, and you shouldn’t be so viciously disgusted when I speak of it as your finest moment.”

 Suvan couldn’t believe what he just said. She closed her eyes tighter, ignoring his hands in her hair. Sure, she could see from some point of view that he was… trying? To make her feel better, but this...

“When it happened with my uncle, you know what I did? I tried to make use of it.”

“How do you make use-” She stopped herself, taking a deep breath. “How do you make use of that kind of thing?”

 It was much easier talking about this with her back to him. She had a feeling if he was observant enough with her, he’d notice this was getting difficult. She was far too afraid of pissing him off for good reason. And she wasn’t sure if he’d take kindly to her not liking his ‘comforting words’.

 Not to mention - ugh, she felt so vulnerable. She didn’t like talking about this. The only reason any of her friends at the safe house knew was because it was still fresh when they all met. Hephestis and Dionysus seeing her when the memories were still regularly hitting her. She remembered blurting it out one day and the boys both giving her this absolutely shocked look. The tension in the room going haywire when it came out.

And she was an adult now. It had been forever since then. She had better means of… Forgetting.

“Well, I for one let him keep doing it until I was able to manipulate him into going into battle for me.” He softened his voice to the point she’d have to focus on his every word. “I was very young and knew I could control him if I let him in just enough. Children just know that, if they’re crafty enough. He foolishly tried to impress the object of his desires and promised whatever he gained to me. And when he died doing his job, my father tearfully handed off his weapons and his earnings to me.”

He paused, swishing his tail, lifting it out of the water to reach for a wine glass he brought into the room with him.

“Petulant means of using him, but as a child I just thought if I was nice to him, he’d give me money and he’d give me the things of his I liked. I could have used him for far more, I’m sure. But when someone dares to treat me like I don’t know they see me as a piece of meat, what am I to do? Just let them?”

He laughed, before taking a sip. He offered the glass to her, and Suvan stared at it for a moment. She shook her head. She didn’t exactly like alcohol, anyway.

“I would have preferred my first time with someone that wasn’t family. I was supposed to trust him. Of course I would. I understand that much. But in my mind, it angered me. I wanted him to hurt, and that was the best way of doing it. You know that one dagger I keep on my person? It was his. And it always feels so gratifying being able to use it. Because he died for nothing and I reaped the rewards.”

 He suddenly shifted their position, moving Suvan around to look at him. There was a peculiar smile on his face, one that was torn between arrogance and- ugh, gentleness? She couldn’t tell, but she knew it was his attempt at looking disarming. She’d seen it before. She took a deep breath, turning so she could sit at the opposite end, staring back at him. Great.

“I won’t say it doesn’t still hurt. There was a time my uncle was even more trustworthy than my father. And then one day he starts using me. And it put all of the years he was so kind and sweet to me into a different perspective. It still disturbs me. But I tricked him and I feel better for it.”

 Angelo paused, taking another sip. Suvan couldn’t believe she was hearing him drop something… So private. He took a moment to get his words out, thinking on what to say. She was actually shocked he was taking his time here.

Then again, she was sure he was just thinking of a way to butter her up and stop talking about it.

“You want to say it was me, but why not treat it that way?”

“I didn’t get anything I wanted out of it.”

“Are you sure?”

“Absolutely sure.”

“By all means, there must be something, if it took you so long to finally mutilate the man!” He laughed, leaning against the side of the tub. “If there was anything else I got from my situation, I at least was well fed. You know it’s a whole lot more potent when you get it that way.”

Her stomach lurched. Suvan had to really brace herself.

 All things aside - if Angelo weren’t such a piece of shit, and Suvan were… better adjusted, she’d seriously try to convince him this wasn’t an okay way of looking at it. Suvan wasn’t a mental health specialist or anything (gods, no), but she knew this wasn’t… Okay. Maybe. The way he was rationalizing what happened to him. 

 It just sounded like he was finding ways to ignore how fucked up it was that it happened to him. Sort of like how she was. But she didn’t want to find good in it.

“That’s the most I could ever get out of it, that maybe there was a capacity to care there. You can view it that way. Your father fed you. That’s hard to come by here.”

“I would have rather he fed me food than his fucking-” She closed her eyes again, teeth grinding as she fought the awful urge to slap Angelo and get out of there.

“Dick, amethyst. You mean dick.”

“Yes, I-” She took another breath. “I’m sorry, I-”

“You’re fine. Anyway, it’s not all bad. Were you fed the way you were supposed to be?”

“O-Off love?” She needed to stop stuttering.

“Lust. Love. Whatever.”

“I… Yes, but-”

“Let me guess,” he said, leaning closer. “He tried to feed off your familial love with gifts and promises to keep you safe, like any dad would do for their only daughter, right?”

Please shut up.

“R-” Deep breath. “Right.”

“And then it just wasn’t enough. Familial love only goes so far until you’re starving.” He reached over, gently touching at her hair. “You said your mother wasn’t around too often either?”

“She was busy.”

“Of course he would set his sights on you that way.”

Another disgusting lurch in her stomach.

“He’s not getting his fill of lust from his wife, who was probably getting her fill somewhere else,” - Suvan did not want to consider that - “He gets it instead from you. He probably thought you would give it up to him after being so nice.”

“Angelo-” She flinched, and all he did was make a little noise, touching her cheek with his fingertips.

“Shh, it’s rationalization. It helps, doesn’t it?”

No. “A little.” NO.

“Did you ever get your fill?”

She didn’t want to be asked that. She didn’t want to think about it. She just focused on the scent in the waters, keeping her eyes closed. If she just didn’t see anything, it’d be okay.

“I-” Her voice caught in her throat. Just say it already. “I don’t recall ever starving as a child.”

 There was this disgusting feeling in her that surged from head to toe. A disgusting sensation not unlike an inescapable sludge pouring over her. Like mud, trapping her. Trying to bury her under as she realized she just said that. She didn’t want to. She didn’t want to say that - she could feel Angelo holding her face so sweetly in his hands, as he willed these words out of her.

It was unlike anything she’d felt in so long, that shame and disgust.

“I’d say you got something out of it,” he said in that softer tone again. A friend calmly and sweetly speaking words of affirmation to another. The same sensation that felt out of place in this discussion. “I got that out of it too. I’m trying to level with you, amethyst.”

“If he just kept it at love and left lust out of the equation, I wouldn’t have been like this.”

“What, better than you were as a child? Suvan, sweetheart, I’ve seen the pictures. You look so much stronger and healthier than you did then. Even back to when we first met. Would you rather be trapped with someone using you in an emotional affair than be here, comfortable in my bathtub, enjoying the luxury of running water and central heating?”

I’d prefer it if I didn’t have to hide anything and I wasn’t in this goddamn place.

“I’d prefer it if it just didn’t happen.”

“I think you wouldn’t be you without it. Disaster begets miracle. You survived and you’re most definitely better for it. Just say it, you got something out of that. Besides-”

He brushed her hair to the side, ignoring her subtle flinch.

“Let me ask you this - did you love him until it got worse?”

“I-” She swallowed, looking at him. “S-Sure, I- Of course, I just-”

“What happened when he first did it to you?”

“I-” She shook her head. No no no. No. “It just happened. It happened and that’s all I remember.”

“Did he ever use the seduction spell?”

Stop stop stop-

“Y-Yes. Once I started trying to avoid him.”

“You know the rules of it, right? How it works?”

Stop stop stop-

“Uhm, y-yes?”

“Tell me about it.”

Stopstopstop-

“I-I, uhm- h-he’s the one that-” She couldn’t focus on his hands on her face at this point, starting to feel small again. “He taught me, I- don’t know if-”

“That’s a nice positive. You have all the skills you need for your job because of him.”

That’s not nice THAT’S NOT NICE AT ALL-

“I-It only really works if you know there’s something the object of desire likes, uhm- You can do it randomly on someone and it can work, but if they’re asexual or just not into you...”

She really couldn’t feel anything at that point. It was more comforting to stay in that position - tunnel vision was better than hearing her own words.

“Seduction spell works especially well disregarding everything but orientation, that much you can’t fight past, if the user is skilled. But you’re right. So consider this-”

Please for the love of god do not say it.

“There’s something you liked in it, right? The feeding, maybe the fact you liked a feeling- Oh, Suvan, you’re shaking.” He took her hands in his. “Maybe I should have used lavender.”

 Suvan closed her eyes - she didn’t want to think about that rationalization. It would just make her spiral again, and she didn’t want to do that. Didn’t want to think about it. The seduction spell worked if you were particularly apt at it, like Angelo. It was a normal ability cubi had - she was a child and- She didn’t like any of it. She didn’t want to think about- No, just stop.

“You enjoy sex, don’t you?”

She could only nod.

“Maybe it was that. Maybe you liked-” She couldn’t hear much, just her own head pounding. She only tuned back in after she tried to center herself with deep breaths. “I figured out for myself I liked something there, but I’ve spent years rationalizing it and taking it back.”

She just tried to focus on his hands, cupping her face. It was almost pleasant.

“I can’t do that so easily,” she said, softly.

“Oh, of course you can. You’re so much stronger than you think. So what if you liked something there? View it this way - the bastard used you for his needs, and you used him for yours. Much more important ones. And when he thought he could keep control of you, you ended it. It’s okay if you liked it, sex feels good, doesn’t it?”

Fuck, her head was swimming.

“Like being fed something particularly sweet and unhealthy, and sure, you like it, but it’s not going to be something you do again, right?”

“I wouldn’t c-compare this to that.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry,” he said - it wasn’t an apology. It was more his mocking response, as he got closer to her, smiling. “I don’t judge you if you ever found something in there you enjoyed. Maybe you aren’t aware of it. But unless he was good at using his spell, which we will never know, maybe you did.”

 She didn’t want that in her head. She spent so long trying to stifle that whole story down inside her. Unneeded debris in the mess of her mind. Suvan wanted nothing to do with the memory of what her father did. She didn’t want to think about how she did feel good at time- God, the feeling that hit her just then. 

 She couldn’t think about it. It would just make her sick. She already hated feeling vulnerable. The fact she was naked in this bath with him made it worse. 

 And Angelo wasn’t going to care, he’d just keep playing with her hair and holding her face like he was her goddamn lover. Like he was making it better. 

 She tried to temper herself with the image of her father’s face, wrenched in terror when she held onto him, brandishing a knife. The planning, the meticulous organization as she waited to end it right there. She couldn’t remember what the breaking point was. It was blurry then. It wasn’t her mother leaving, after seeing firsthand and not doing a damn thing about it. It wasn’t when he stopped tricking her into it. But she eventually snapped and had it all together, and cut his dick and his hands off. 

 The noises he made when she pressed the blade against him - she remembered it was particularly difficult to do. Her father was stronger, so his thrashing threw her off a few times. She got cut once or twice. Even having him tied down was hard. She thought using the seduction spell would work, but even with him under the influence, it was still a lot of trouble.

But it was satisfying once she could start cutting at it. Very satisfying. 

She took another centering breath.

“Enjoying it would just make him feel better about what he did.”

“Do you think he felt guilt for it?” He smiled. “Do you think anyone feels guilt for that kind of act? Adults eating their own young?”

“He probably did until Mom left.”

“It doesn’t matter what he thinks. Who cares? He’s dead. And your mother is hopefully dead, too. Those feelings stay in people like that from the start. He knew what he was doing. And your own comfort didn’t matter. It’s okay if you liked it. There’s no blame here.”

“I don’t want to say I did.”

“But you technically did.”

She just wanted to go.

She took another breath. She really needed that cigarette.

“I’ll leave it at this. I talk about it because you’re strong. Who doesn’t think that sort of story sounds amazing? A girl taken advantage of by someone she cared for, then turning on him and cutting his cock off like it was nothing?”

“I don’t feel strong, Angelo.”

“Well, I think you are. If you hear it, just ignore me. That’s all I’ll say. Do you want me to leave you here alone? I’m feeling awfully tired and have business with Zeus later tomorrow.”

The slightest mention of Hephestis - even if it was the version of himself that had to cater to Angelo’s fragile ego - made her feel a little better. Especially the fact Angelo was ready to leave now.

“You can,” she breathed. Thank goodness.

“Same time tomorrow? I could possibly ask him to get you if the travel is difficult.”

“I’ll walk.”

“Suit yourself. I’ll be getting ready for bed. You can leave the wine in here, someone will tend to the mess.”

 Angelo got out of the tub after patting her head. She listened to him towel himself off, his footsteps the only sound in the room. She just needed a moment. She just needed some time in the water. She could hear him get near to the door, so she looked up at him.

“But yes, amethyst-” he said, as they met eyes, “keep that in mind. I won’t stop, but you at least understand my point of view here. I’ll be expecting you in your usual pristine shape.”

 He left, shutting the door behind him after those parting words. Suvan just sat in the tub, staring at the water, watching the ripples start to calm down. She closed her eyes and leaned back, lying in the water for a moment. It was nice and wide, big enough for her to comfortably lie in.

 Her skin felt tight. Her hands were shaky. Head pounding. Getting her head underwater to listen to the water fill in her ears made it a little less awful, but she knew this feeling was going to persist.

That walk home was going to be rough. She could barely focus on the moment at hand.

 Sinking into the water and staring at the ceiling, all she could do was spend the next few moments working her hardest to pull all the feeling underwater. Drag it to the deep, with stones in their hands. Suvan would not let it get to her. Suvan would not let it persist. She was best at this, taking all the urges and the feelings and stifling them deep below. 

 Nothing to show she was living in constant dread, nothing to show she needed help. Suvan spent the last fifteen plus years learning how to compartmentalize everything. Stuff all the feelings into a pretty little box. Repress it all so no one had a means of thinking she needed anything.

It was easier this way.

 The blonde slowly sat up out of the water. She didn’t want that thought in her head. Suvan wanted to say she felt nothing from it. Just disgust. Just rage. Desire to rip and tear at the person hurting her. Anger felt easier to describe, it felt less complex. There was less to take in, less issue to explain. Less reason to sit down with someone and put down the reasons she didn’t like people tugging at her hair, why she didn’t like heavy, noticeable makeup. 

 She didn’t want to be pitied. Maybe it was better that Angelo didn’t. But she didn’t want to acknowledge there was anything there. The issue was done with. She killed her father and she found comfort thinking of those last moments. 

It should have been over with, at this point.

 Sure, it happened. Okay. Her father did that to her. But Suvan didn’t want to say that she still felt anything. It was more comforting to feel nothing. So he had no claim over her whatsoever. No hurt, no fear, no sickness. Nothing. 

 She took a deep breath, reached over to pull up the stopper, and stood up. Ignoring the subtle chill as she went over to dry herself off, taking extra time to get the water out of her hair. She picked up her clothing, neatly folded, and got herself dressed. 

 Suvan took her time, and took even more time brushing her hair. Running the brush through several times, slowly, working to get herself to a more adjustable level. She didn’t want anyone to question what was wrong with her. She just wanted to go to bed and forget what they talked about.

 She left the room after, and saw Angelo already getting himself settled in bed. Reading a book by the lamp. She said nothing to him as she got to the door-

“By the way-”

Fuck.

“Yes?” She looked back, managing to keep her most neutral expression.

“This conversation was fine. But if you ever question the way I treat you again, we’re going to have problems.”

Oh.

There it was.

“I’ll let it slide, but I don’t like thinking my first gem doesn’t trust me. You need to have some faith in me.”

Yes, faith. Sure.

“Do I make myself clear?”

She bit back all the vitriol she could throw at him, taking a deep, even breath.

“Yes.” 

“Good. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

 Suvan felt the tension in the room lift, and she hastily left. Marching down the hall to make her way out of the building. She couldn’t stand being there any longer. She knew it was a stupid idea to call him out...

-~-

The walk back sort of helped her get her thoughts together.

 Emphasis on sort of. She was more focused on not slipping - taking careful steps from Angelo’s palace. She was in one of her pairs of high heels and one of her more flowy, thin dresses. Suvan insisted she could handle the cold, but honestly, she just didn’t want to admit that its bitter chill hurt. She lived a few years alone, out on the streets after she killed her father, so she should be able to handle this. It just felt… Limiting, to admit it did bother her.

 If Suvan could handle it at fifteen, she could handle it at thirty-two. Ignore that she’d gotten sick several times. No one was going to get her to stop dressing comfortably. And the walk wasn’t so bad. She had half a mind to take her heels off, though - they were leaving a horrible ache in her arches and she had to bite the inside of her cheek to fight it. The last time she did that, she was sick for a week. It was hard to act self sufficient if everyone knew she was sick. 

She just wanted to do her part. That was it.

 But ugh - the heels clicking against the icy ground was louder than she liked for it to be. It was safe, but definitely later than normal. She didn’t want to be too paranoid, but at this time of night, she didn’t want to take any chances.

 Using her tail to cover her tracks, remembering to warm it up later, she made it to the safe shelter that was tucked away deep in the slums. A mostly put together homeless shelter that she’d been staying at since she was barely eighteen. She got taken in there after she started her second job at the brothel - one of her old ‘coworkers’ offering a place to stay since it wasn’t safe just staying with Angelo. Not when he was so turbulent.

 Taking even more careful steps, she made it around the perimeter of the building, taking note of some of the roofing beginning to chip away. She’d have to tell Revali about that later. It was a nice place to stay - with years of repairs and fortifying, it was safer than when it was basically a shitshack, falling apart with every blizzard that came through. But then Revali came along and started putting his carpenter skills to work - and then she helped the Nectovelius kids settle in, who were all more than happy to find ways to make it safer. 

 Things were flimsy at times - she recalled them having a power surge recently, but it was better than before. Revali even figured out how to ‘steal’ water from the palace, finding a way to get them connected to the same plumbing system. Not to mention they had efficient heating and power supply. Food was tight and things were scary at times, but at least there were people in the shelter who knew how to fix it. And Suvan herself was very good at keeping a good income flow.

 She chewed on her lip, as she stopped to look at the cellar door that would lead her through the main entrance. Buried by bramble, covered in snow. Safe and out of the way. She started for it, but then she heard a voice-

“You.”

“Ah-” She stammered, looking to her side.

 There he was. Stupid impossibly lanky and tall Revali. The incubus sighed, adjusting his hat as he crossed over, giving her a stern look.

“I swear, I was just getting off wor-”

“It is almost dawn, Suvan. Hephestis and I were about to set out to look for y- why aren’t you wearing the coat I got you?!”

 The incubus closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. He reached over, pinching her ear. She squealed, trying to smack his hands away. It didn’t really work - he pretty much towered over her, and he was stronger anyway. No idea how, but he was. He just grumbled to himself, eyes narrowing.

“Your ears are red.”

“For the love of the gods, if you guys keep saying that to me-”

“You’re shaking like a leaf.”

“You’re blind.”

 No, nope, we weren’t going to do this. Suvan didn’t want anyone to realize she was cold, or in a weird mood. Anything like that. The events of that night needed to go away, she wasn’t going to give it another thought. She just got grumpy, trying to push him away.

“Come on, I need to lock up anyway. Hep is gonna kill your stupid ass.”

 Revali was insisting on pushing her into the building as he opened the cellar door. Using his height to get her shoved in there, as he shut it behind them and locked it up. With how bad his paranoia was, it was a requirement to let him be the one to lock up everything. If anyone left the building without him knowing, it set off his anxiety and he’d spend the next two hours double checking locks and waiting on the person to come back. 

 “I don’t get it, normally you guys figure I’ll be staying-”

“Zeus has time with Angelo tomorrow. Hep told me you’d be coming back early tonight. You weren’t back early. I’ve been out there for the past few hours just waiting.”

“You were out there?!”

“What, do you want me to just forget about it and let you stand out there and die?”

“Rev, I can handle the cold-”

“You’re over thirty, you aren’t a stupid teenager- Hephestis!”

 He called out, dragging her to the kitchen. Suvan grumbled, closing her eyes. Yeah, she was gonna get mother-henned anyway. With all that happened that night, she really wasn’t in the mood to fool around. She could feel her skin tightening remembering what Angelo said to her, and all she wanted was to crawl into bed and sleep.

 There stood Hephestis, already adjusting his stupidly puffy jacket. He was working on getting the hood over his head before he looked over, blinking a few times in stunned silence.

“Wait, did you just get her yourself?!”

“She finally got home.”

“Oh gods-” Hephestis hastily got the jacket off and rushed over, practically throwing it over her.

“Heph-”

“No, no, you don’t get to fight off us helping you,” he said, his voice quiet but stern. He and Revali were practically dragging her further into the kitchen. “Perse made soup tonight but I’m giving you warm tea first. Where were you?! You never get home that late- For fuck’s sake, your ears are red!”

“I know they’re-”

 Hephestis was quick to shut her up, taking a little cup of tea and putting it to her lips. He was clearly in a state. Revali himself was just as antsy, checking her for anything. Both boys were tending to her, and she just sighed, taking it. Hephestis making her sip tea to warm up, and Revali looking over her arms and legs for bruises or anything.

“I don’t see anything, but it could be internal,” he muttered, pinching her arm.

“Rev, I didn’t get hurt.”

“But you said that when your arm was sprained after-”

“I said that and then realized it hurt.”

“You’re still stupid!” The incubus bundled her up in Hep’s jacket, then rushed to the pot sitting on the stove. “Can you eat at all?” 

“She better. Perse made enough to tide us over the weekend,” Hephestis commented, as he sat Suvan down. “Seriously, you need to talk. What happened? You look fucking terrified.”

… He could see?

 Suvan swallowed-  trying to hide that this fact bothered her. She was really good at covering up her emotions, hiding when things got to her. But she hadn’t realized it was showing so clearly - that… Wasn’t okay. Was it that shocking? Suvan just… Didn’t want to think about what was said, but…

“Wait, she looks terrified?” Rev bent down, hands planted on the table as he stared at her, eyes narrowing.

“Guys, I’m…”

She paused.

 No… There wasn’t anything productive in digging up the past. Hephestis knew, Revali knew. It didn’t matter. It was all said and done. She killed him and it didn’t matter. Bringing up Angelo would just upset Hephestis anyway. And Revali wasn’t very good at discussing Angelo without getting antsy. She chewed on her lip, willingly letting some of her anxiety show through.

 Suvan handled the past like this - it was over with. She handled it like a big girl. No one else could tell her how to handle it but her. Her father was dead. Past the point of rotting. She let him bleed out and it was over with. No ghosts to deal with. There was so much more… Crucial things going on. Sure, it was important to discuss her trauma, but Suvan knew she could handle it. She did before, right?

… But, she trusted them. It’d be worse to hold it back. She sighed, running her hand through her hair.

“Okay.” She took another deep breath. “I had a not so great talk with Angelo, uhm-”

“What did he say.” Hephestis was sitting down properly now, eyes narrowed. “I swear-” He took a deep breath, closing his eyes. 

“It…” She blinked a few times, realizing just how awful it felt to talk about. “Uh, it was just about my… dad.”

“Why the hell would he bring that up?” Revali asked, looking over. “That’s none of his business.”

“He brags. Zeus has heard it. He introduces me to some people as uhm.” She paused. “You know. Oh, that’s my favorite partner, she’s tougher than you think. She cut her dad’s dick off after-” She stopped.

“You… Were trying to tell him to stop?” Hephestis asked, trying to keep his breathing level. Rev came over with a warm bowl of soup, set it down, then took a moment to put his hand on his shoulder and rub it affectionately. “I didn’t think you’d…”

“It was getting too much. I didn’t want to hear about it.”

 Revali sat down, one arm around Hep to keep him grounded, and his other being used to push the soup over to her. Then motioned for her to lay her non-dominant hand on the surface so he could put his hand on top of hers.

“He didn’t… Hurt you, there’s nothing we need to take care of, is there?” God, she felt awful. Hep cared so much about the people he lived with that he could at least somewhat ignore his basic trigger just to make sure she was okay. 

“I’m fine. We talked about it during a bath. I just…” She sighed. “Wanted him to stop, but he ended our talk by basically telling me he wouldn’t.”

“Of course he did,” Rev muttered. “He only cares about himself.”

“He…” She looked at her food for a moment, wondering if she’d be able to eat it. She needed to. She didn’t like wasting food. “He asked me some things about it that I wanted to forget.”

“You… Never did get that deep when talking about it,” Revali said. “It’s not like you’re supposed to, anyway. It’s your trauma. He shouldn’t be flaunting it like that.”

“I just haven’t thought about it in so long that way. He tried to make it ‘better’, he tried to make it ‘better’ and just made it… Worse. Brought up some new complexes I didn’t want to have, so…”

“Suvan, you’re not…” Revali hunched over the table some, making himself smaller to look at her clearer. “You’re not trying to blame yourself or anything again, are you?”

“F-Fuck no,” she started to laugh nervously, then picked up her spoon to pick at her soup. “It’s… Different.”

“Suvan, you know whatever feeling you get, you can always talk to me or anyone else about it,” Hephestis said, taking a deep breath. “Even Zeus. He doesn’t mind it. I know you like to be self-sufficient, but you know we’re all handling things together. Even you need help, we're all here for you.”

“Th… Thank you,” she breathed. Sure, she could get help, but this was a situation she should have been done with. There was a difference between knowing how to handle it, and actually needing to ask for help. “He…” She swallowed. “Just… He asked about. How things happened, and…”

“Tasteful,” Revali grumbled. “He really asked you about the play by play? We can’t just be told your dad did that and be done with it?”

“Exactly,” Suvan said. “He asked about some details and… Made me admit he wasn’t…” She started picking at her food, stomach twisting. “Bad. To me. That… He wasn’t. Violent. Or. Anything, uhm.”

 Hephestis was quick to realize she wasn’t going to be able to get it out. He narrowed his eyes, pulling her bowl away. Revali was just as perceptive, squeezing her hand.

“Suvan, this isn’t something you should detail if it hurts to say,” Revali said. “You’re… Strong, but you don’t need to be strong enough to tell us everything.”

“It just matters that you trust us enough to let us know you aren’t okay,” Hep added.

“I… Wish I could say it,” she breathed. “It’s just… Making me have to ignore a lot of bad feelings. He tried to make it better by saying I should have… Enjoyed it and saw it as using him, and, I-”

 That was it. She couldn't do it. She shut her mouth and stared at the table. The boys stayed quiet, but Revali kept affectionately rubbing her hand. 

“He…” Hephestis swallowed. “Has no right to make you try and rationalize it that way. Not when he- No. That’s not up to him to tell you how to feel about what happened.”

“He wanted me to be proud that I killed him. Like,” Suvan paused. “I… Sure. I’m glad I did. He didn’t deserve to live, but… I wish I didn’t have to. I wish I didn’t have to kill my goddamn dad to make him stop it. He just told me I was stronger for it. I should suck it up.”

“Just because you handle your trauma and it teaches you something for the future doesn’t mean you’re stronger for it,” Revali said. “You just built up a new defense. You’re only stronger if you can continue on despite that hurt. Knowing that people can… Be that way, it’s just new armor, I guess. You aren’t strong because your dad did that to you, you’re strong because you didn’t let it get to you and you can still live in spite of it.”

 Revali was- well, while blunt, he was good at offering a sweet word or two. He took a deep breath, running his thumb over the back of her hand.

“I assume you might not be very hungry,” he said, softly. 

“I… Want to eat, I shouldn’t let it go to waste.”

“These kinds of things are hard to stomach- no… pun intended,” he muttered, “so it’s okay. We shouldn’t force you to eat if you can’t. You had some tea anyway. We can pack it away and let Perse know.”

 She sat there for a moment, chewing on her lip. She really didn’t like skipping meals - you could say she almost had food anxiety, but it was more just the fact she didn’t want to waste anything. That or find herself without a lot of energy later on. It was better to eat and stay hydrated when she could, especially with her work. Some days she’d be stuck at the brothel, using up so much energy with no down time, that it made the rest of the day a goddamn slog to get through. She worked off a lot of calories with that work - that and just the running around all day to follow Angelo.

Ugh… But she had no appetite. It left, and honestly, she just wanted rest.

“I… I’ll pass.”

“Goddamn, this must be bad,” Hephestis said, smiling a little. “I’m… Sorry he said that to you. If you start getting any feelings again…”

“I won’t.”

“Ignoring that, please come to one of us,” he said, rolling his eyes. “Or even Dion. He’s a little awkward about this stuff, but you know he’d want to help too.”

“I… Know that what happened wasn’t my fault. Any kid in my place would have done what they could to get out. I just… Don’t want Angelo to ‘make it better’. All it does is make me doubt my feelings in the moment and make it feel less… Horrible.”

“Well, no matter what he says, everything that happened is just as… bad as you remember. I guess, if that comforts you. Nothing could ever make it any less horrible, when it comes to what he did,” Revali said. “I guess Angelo said something that made it seem like it was less… Severe than you know it was.”

“... Yeah. That was it. I don’t want to think about it. I could barely focus when he brought it up.”

 Hephestis nodded, standing up now. He took it upon himself to go ahead and store Suvan’s food, then came back over with the tea kettle, refilling her cup.

“When you’re done here, you can come with us to our room. We were gonna settle for bed before we realized you hadn’t come back.”

“I’m,” she took another deep breath, reaching for the tea cup. “I’m sorry I worried you guys. I spent a lot of time thinking after my talk and lost track of time.”

“You said you guys had a bath, right?” Revali asked, using his free arm to pull Hep over, comfortably resting his arm over his shoulders. “You do smell of somethin’ earthy.”

“He thought a bath would calm me, he had salts and oils and all that. I… Guess it worked. When he left, anyway. I stayed there a while to get my thoughts together.”

“Warm water’s nice,” Hep muttered. “I need to check the heater later and figure out why we’re running out so fast. Winter’s looking like pure hell right now.”

“Yeah, then we can have Suvan over for fun earthy bathtime to talk about her trauma,” Revali joked, smiling at her. Then he frowned, eyebrows furrowed. “Wait, was that tasteful? I-”

“No, that was fine,” Suvan laughed. “I’d vastly prefer sharing a bath with you guys. At least then I wouldn’t feel like one of you might snap my neck if I say something wrong.”

 There was a pregnant pause. Both boys gave her a look. One of horror, another of what had to be rage boiling up. But they both looked at each other - Hep took a deep breath, and looked back.

“Maybe there will be neck snapping. You keep letting yourself freeze and I might do it myself,” he joked. “Seriously, your nose is fuckin’ red. Is that tea even helping?”

“Uhm, of course it is!” She pouted, feeling a lot lighter now that they were just joking at this point. “Cinnamon apple tea is perfect for these kinds of chills. I just…”

“Might be getting a cold?” Revali commented.

“I’ll literally kick you in the teeth.”

“Eh, if you can reach. Even your high heels won’t get you up here.”

“Don’t test her,” Hep laughed, “she’s feral. She might just grab your hair and yank you down to do it that way.”

“Well, now she will since you gave her the idea!”

 All three of them laughed - it was so cozy to listen to the boys jokingly fight. She was glad to see Hephestis having something so calm and sweet for himself. She knew he had a lot of trouble before, trying to keep a good relationship, and this one was definitely so much easier on his nerves. Revali was so carefree, even in this situation. He just offered a good word, and had a good joke to top it all off.

 She smiled, content as she listened to the boys’ laughter, watching them comfortably snuggle into each other. Suvan wasn’t really good at that kind of thing, but it made her happy to see them both so comfortable. Both of them needed that normal intimacy. There was no feeding even happening, but honestly, there was enough affection between them to feed a single cubi for a year.

“Hey, there’s that smile,” Rev said, grinning. “Wasn’t sure if we’d see it again.”

“You know you were going to,” she laughed again. “I… it’s just sensitive, is all. But you guys make me feel a lot safer. Thanks.”

“Do you wanna go back to bed with us?” Revali piped up, propping his head up on his hands. “I don’t think you’ll be doing so well sleeping alone. And we could warm ya up better.”

“Rev, that sounds weird,” Hep commented. “I’m not having a threesome with someone that’s basically my sister.”

“But you’ll have one with Dion participating,” Rev said, staring at him with shifty eyes. “If you’re saying you don’t like women for some reason-”

“No, I just feel weird if she participates anyway, I was raised to think it’d be normal sharing people with Dionysus. It’s weird sharing with my sis-”

“What about Perse-”

“Actually, I’m very opposed to that for the same reason,” Suvan laughed, quickly cutting off this really weird conversation.

“Whatever, I don’t even mean like that.” Revali leaned back in his chair, crossing his arms. Well jeez, he made a big fuss about nothing then. “I just think it’d be warmer with other people.”

 She smiled, leaning against the table. Suvan didn’t like to impose when it came to other people in the shelter. Especially these two. She still felt a great sense of guilt after putting them all through so much hell when she brought Seisyllt over and they found out he was just trying to kill Hephestis and his siblings. Definitely not related to Angelo, but related to the lives those three led. Suvan didn’t want to impose anymore. Didn’t want to feel like she was doing that when she was still trying to make up for it.

But this was… Well. Preferred. She didn’t want to be alone. Revali was right.

“I could do that,” she said, nodding. “I suppose it would be nicer to share a bed with someone.”

“Good!” Revali stood up, almost knocking his chair to the ground. “I’m pretty tall so I can be the biggest spoon.”

“I was more picturing it like we just crowd around her,” Hep said, looking up.

“Nope, I wanna spoon.”

“Suvan, what do you think? Rev clearly has lost his last braincell standing out in the cold.”

“We can spoon.”

 Revali nodded, smiling smugly. Hep rolled his eyes, fighting a smile himself as he got up to put everything away. Suvan got up from the table and came over to Revali, comfortably linking her arm with his. She guessed any outsider would assume they were some kind of threesome, but she didn’t exactly care. It was pretty much encouraged here.

 Once Hephestis came over, she was eager to link her other arm with his, and the boys started leading her back to their room. They used to have their own rooms, but once they got together, both were more into the idea of sharing a space. So their room was nice and cozy, with two mattresses pushed together as a makeshift double bed. 

 They continued chatting softly about the weather. Both boys lamenting having to check that water heater soon. But the tension wasn’t so bad. Just idle words to fill the silence. 

“You know, I thought you’d be more into the idea of being in a sandwich cuddle,” Hephestis said once they got to the door. “You’d be way warmer.”

“I like being spooned,” Suvan said, shrugging. “Feels safe.”

“A sandwich is pretty safe, but all right.” Hep laughed, leading her and Revali into the room.

 It was pretty clean, for once. Revali was kind of a mess behind closed doors, leaving his clothes everywhere. The only real clutter seemed to be where Hephestis kept his clothes, and she realized it had to be because he was rushing to get dressed to look for her. She chewed on her lip, sitting on the edge of their bed while both boys got dressed down to what they’d be sleeping in.

 She at least got Hep’s coat off and kicked her high heels off, then got situated on the bed. Both boys got settled with her, both in various states of undress. Revali had to be the… least dressed, his underwear never left much to the imagination. 

“But hey,” Hep said, brushing his hair out of his face. “Seriously. I know this is a discussion that you can barely go into, but if you ever need to tell us you’re feeling this way again, we’re not going to do that.”

“I… Can try. It’s still hard to talk or even think about,” she breathed. “For now I’d rather just sleep. I’m exhausted from earlier and feel like I might take all of tomorrow off after that.”

“Good, you rarely stay the entire day,” Rev grumbled, pulling Hephestis against him. The incubus shrugged, happily reaching for Suvan to pull her over too. “I’m also just too anxious for you to be leaving, considering how long it took for you to come back.”

“I’m really sorry, Rev,” Suvan said, adjusting herself so she was comfortable in this three way spooning session. “If I could let you know, I would have.”

 He mumbled, shoving his face in Hep’s hair while Hep himself just happily nuzzled Suvan in turn, both boys trying to wrap their arms around each other for maximum warmth. It helped that Hep was the middle spoon - he sorta naturally latched onto people in bed, and Revali was just so lanky, he pretty much reached everywhere.

It didn’t take too long for Suvan to fall asleep, feeling safe with her friends, but both boys stayed awake. 

“I’ve… heard about this before,” Hep mumbled, looking back. “Zeus mentioned something about Angelo being especially chatty about it. I can’t believe she really tried to talk to him about it today.”

“Leave it to Angelo to say that shit,” Rev muttered, moving to play with Hep’s hair. “I’m just glad she’s safe. I don’t think I would have been okay if she didn’t come back sooner.”

“Y-Yeah. I. Yeah.” Hep nodded. It was no secret she was just as much family as his siblings, as Revali. Hephestis didn’t want to think about it.

“Do you wanna do something after you’re done with your plans for tomorrow? We can all sit together and play something if that makes you feel better,” Rev said. “You seem anxious.”

“Mm. I… Sure. We can figure something out for tomorrow. The waiting didn’t do me very good.”

“Oh babe,” Rev laughed a little, kissing the side of his head. “She’s gonna be okay. We’re gonna be okay. Just rest and I’ll keep her stupid ass here. Maybe we can have Suvan involve us in one of her self care hours.”

“That’d be… Cool, actually.” Hep nodded, taking a deep breath. “I guess I just need to be sure she isn’t going to ask him anything like that again. I…”

“You’re scared Angelo will flip his lid like with the friend you guys had.”

“Yeah.” 

“We can talk about it tomorrow, then. Just rest. I’ll figure it all out while Zeus handles his own thing.”

“Hmm. Okay. I’ll try. I love you.”

“Love ya too, babes.”