#henleytask

How do you even start a journal entry?

Hi! My name is Theo Jacob Parker and I'm 18 years old. That's just lame. I mean, obviously I know who I am and I'm sure you do. Partially, because you are an inanimate object, so I can assume that you know everything. I guess i should start now. Okay. Here goes.

Mom's been working a double shift everyday now and her only free day is Sunday. She's been making lists off everything we own and trying to figure out just how much time we have left before they start to take the stuff away. She cries a lot too. Its like the Frank Sinatra song, "You're running high in April and shoot down in June".

She's so stressed and I need to find an actual job to help. I know she wants to ask me to help, but she won't do it. She's too prideful, but every where I applied have shoot me down. They either aren't hiring or over staffed. How can you be over staffed at Target!? I don't want to have to do it. If I'm being totally honest with myself, I'm terrified. I don't want to be a statistic. How cliché would it be to be the kid who slept with people for money once only to then further become a prostitute. It's just so easy to do it. That's the scary part you see, it's so easy to find these people willing to pay you to have sex with them behind their significant others back. I don't want to have to do it again, but I think I have to. I can't just let my mom pay for everything.

What else other than thinking about prostitution has happened to me so far. I don't think I actually have friends. I have Adri, but we don't talk a lot. Theres Nolan, but he is dealing with his own shit and I'm not going to make him pick between his problems and me. Max has Jax now, so I'll be taking a back seat, because I'm happy for them and I don't want Jax or Max to think I'm trying to interfere on their relationship. Dax, I think just talks to me, because I know Nolan. Theres Tommy and he is really the only person here who considers me a best friend. I love Tommy, but Noah must come first and it is selfish off me to make anyone I talk pick me over someone who is more important. I'm pretty sure that all of my "friends" are dating somebody. Adri has Aaron. Nolan and Dax? Max and Jax. Tommy has Noah, but that's not dating someone, but that's his kid, so it's like being in a very needy relationship. I'm okay with it, but sitting alone at lunch is getting boring and everyone stares at me with pity, so I'm planning on leaving campus during lunch and eating somewhere else. I don't need friends, but it would be nice to have somebody notice that I'm missing.

I guess that I'm done now. There's nothing left to talk about, so I'm going to go now.

But to make matters even worse, I'm currently caught between two boyfriends. Which, I can honestly say I've never imagined happening. I didn't even think I'd end up in one relationship, now I'm in two..well, kinda. I love Justin and he's a fucking incredible boyfriend and I'm so happy when I'm with him..but I also love Nolan and he really understands me and when I'm with him I never wanna leave. It's a tough situation and it definitely doesn't help my reputation. Luckily, no one really knows about Nolan and I though..except us, which kind of makes it all even worse. I'm just in a sticky situation okay. I kind of wish I could drop everyone. That would be so much easier for...everyone, really. I totally keep contradicting myself because I say things like "I'm really not a bad guy, I wish people would stop attacking me." and then I say things like "I'm such a shit person. Why do I do the things I do?". 

But to top it all off, my home life is shit to. Not only do people look down on me in school, but my parents can't stand me. I can't go a day without pissing someone off. I don't even think Aaron likes me anymore, which sucks, because I actually try really hard to be good to him. I really do. I love Aaron more than anyone..but I just feel like he doesn't wanna be around me anymore. He always seems like he's pissed at me..I don't know why. I tried to tell him there was a ghost in his room and he just yelled at me. I just wanted to keep him safe. All I ever wanted was for him to be safe..I guess he just hates me to. I can't really blame him. 

What a shit life..I don't wanna complain anymore though, I've gotta try to focus on the positives..Whether people like me or not there are still a lot of good things in my life. Like, the few real friends I do have, both Justin and Nolan, and especially Aaron. I remember the night I got shot, I was so scared Aaron would be out there to..or he'd see. No matter how much he dislikes me I'm glad I still have him. I'm just glad I have the things I do..I guess I can worry about everything else later.