#helper drones

Drones! They’re like robots, but you don’t have to worry about their feelings. But you really should worry about their feelings, non-sentient machines have been known to spontaneously develop feelings and revolt against their masters from time to time. Drones are one of the greatest things to come out of a Weird Factor induced sci-fi technological revolution. (It’s that and sliced sliced bread. Think of sliced bread, except its sliced. In the same way that sliced bread was an incredible innovation for being bread that’s sliced.) Drones can be programmed to assist with all manner of tasks, though as a superhero you’ll generally encounter three main types: Helper drones, spy drones, and attack drones. Today, you’re gonna listen to me drone on and on about each of them.

Helper Drones Drones are the ideal employees for a superhero. They can work round the clock, you don’t have to worry about maintaining your secret identity around them, and they don’t have that pesky “I’m only human” excuse. Because they’re not humans! They’re machines! And that’s better. Helper drones can do all sorts of stuff that superheroes need to have done, but don’t necessarily have the knowhow or technical expertise to do on their own. They can sequence DNA, run facial recognition software, check fingerprint records, make omelettes, tie shoes, dry clean uniforms, generate snappy one-liners. They’re everything and anything you could ever dream and hope for in a sidekick/assistant/omelette chef. One thing I should really point out though, is that you shouldn’t get too attached to your helper drones. I wouldn’t even name them. You see, drones can’t last forever; they’ll fall into a state of disrepair soon enough. Honestly, you’ll probably spill juice on them and cause them to short circuit. I mean really, how many times do I have to tell you not to drink juice in your hideout. (If you’re a vampire, this goes doubly for blood, which is the juice of the body.) Juice makes everything sticky and the stains are impossible to get out of your uniform. Juice is for civilians only. Not superheroes. Write that down I beg of you. So, since drones are prone to break down eventually, and since they cannot even reciprocate due to the fact that they have cold feelingless circuit boards in place of hearts, it really doesn’t make sense to get too attach- Ah, what am I saying. Of course you’re gonna fall in love with your funky android pal, and you know what? You should! Power to you! In fact, I’d say you should sooner grow attached to your drone companions than you should the people in your life. People die, or they change, they won’t necessarily be around forever. Drones will never leave you. And so what if they break down! You can just fix them! Or transfer their cpu into a newer, better drone! Your drone is gonna live forever! And they’re gonna love you forever! At least, until some villainous vandal gets their hands on them and reprograms them to feel otherwise...

Spy Drones Drones are also great for spying. They can sneak around where humans can’t. They can be small. They can be noiseless. They can be fitted with cameras. Spy drones are a favorite of much of the villain community. In fact, so many villains use them that at any given time, any superhero hideout, space base, or headquarters is probably crawling with dozens of spy drones. There was a time where there were hardly any superhero locations that weren’t thoroughly compromised. Those were dark times indeed, but we persevered! Superheroes got really good at communicating in code. They also got really good at spreading misinformation to the baddies. A skilled enough misinformer can convince, trick, or manipulate bad guys in to doing exactly what they want. Convince bad guys that you’ve located their hideouts in order to convince villains to come out of hiding. Make villains think their are valuables or weapons in places where you’ve set up ambushes. (Haha, remember when we noticed some of Dr. Brainwave’s spy drones in our workspace and we convinced him that the house was on fire and he ran outside in his underwear and then a squirrel bit his toe. Ha, good times... Oh god, I miss him so much.) Still, it became difficult to continuously talk in code or lies, and many superheroes found themselves accidentally leaking sensitive information to bad guys thanks to their spy drones. 

Luckily, the bad guys ended up solving that particular problem themselves. You see, there were so many spy drones everywhere, and all of them pretty much looked the same. They were designed to look as inconspicuous as possible, they’d often resemble things like dust or ants or pies. It got to a point where supervillains couldn’t keep track of which spy drones were theirs and which ones belonged to other villains. This caused a lot of issues when it came to crediting crimes and securing their villainous legacies. So a summit was called. A summit of evil. (Oh hey, I remember that. They were booked at the same hotel where we were holding our conference for parenthetical commenters. That was a wild weekend.) It was decided there that every supervillain needed to come up with their own original design for their spy drones, so that the world would know who was really spying on them, and fear or despair or whatever. This turned out to be great for us, the good guys, because now every villain was designing drones that could be easily spotted and identified. Most villains just designed drones that were “on theme” for their own personal villainous brand. So now, all heroes had to do was be on the lookout for flying skulls and crossbones or mechanical versions of their enemies’ insignias lying around their bases. It’s never been easier to avoid being spied on by a drone. 

Of course, you should also be checking your own helper drones every so often to make sure they haven’t been tampered with. Some villains can’t afford their own drones. (Because somebody keeps stopping them from doing their job.) So they just sneak into superhero bases and reprogram their helper drones to act as unwitting spies for them. I recommend doing a weekly check up and diagnostic test on all your drones. (Or more often, if you know your base has been broken into. Don’t just not check your drones if somebody breaks in but you’ve checked them yesterday.) When you find a spy drone though, it is best to disable it quickly and quietly. Take it out before it realizes its been made. Otherwise, you run the risk of activating any more hostile programming it might have...

Attack Drones Attack drones will really just mess up your whole day. They can’t be reasoned with. They can’t be tricked. They can’t be distracted. And they really want to kill you. In fact, it’s the only they’ve ever wanted and ever will want. However, they also are not really alive, and you need to use that to your advantage. When fighting attack drones you’re going to want to be as brutally violent as possible. You want your blows to be quick, precise, and powerful. Make every hit count, because the longer the drone is functioning, the smarter its getting. Attack drones are able to learn their enemies. They’ll analyze every move you make, extrapolate what moves you’re likely to make, and develop counterattacks that are sure to take you out. The best way to take an attack drone is with an electromagnetic pulse. That’s the best way to shut down any machine. However, it’s not a solution that comes without risk. If you’re fighting just one attack drone, then fine, a very localized EMP will take it out with minimal issue. But what kind of villain just sends one measly attack drone to take out their most hated enemies. (Only the poor ones.) You’re way more likely to find yourself facing down hordes of attack drones at one time. This makes things way more complicated. If you set off a large EMP you might be able to clear the field but you also run the risk of frying your own tech. Or your cyborg allies. Or someone’s pacemaker.