Hellraiser IX: Revelations (2011)
I wish I could gather up the noodle-brained dung beetles who assembled Hellraiser: Revelations into a pot and cook them alive. I thought Hellraiser: Hellworld was bad. Compared to this, it's genius.  Just when you’ve reached the lowest, most punishing level of the inferno, they mix things up by adding elements of a “found footage” horror and home invasion horror to the franchise. I paused the 75-minute feature to yell at it so often it took me two hours to finish it.
The families of Nico (Jay Gillespie) and Steven (Nick Eversman) are in shock after the boys disappear while vacationing in Tijuana (repeatedly and gratingly pronounced as “TiHWAnna!” by Nico). At the center of the mystery is a videotape featuring a tall man covered in leather with pins protruding from his face and scalp (Stephan Smith Collins). When Steven, reappears at his parent's house with the Lament Configuration Box, they're relieved; unaware the suffering has only begun.
There’s nothing to like about this movie. They don’t even have Doug Bradley back as Pinhead but this casting controversy is the least of this film’s worries. The characters guarantee you will hate the film with a burning passion. Steven, our protagonist encourages Nico to cheat on his girlfriend... and his girlfriend is his sister!
There’s barely anything going on in this movie, and what does happen makes no sense. Two young men disappear in Mexico, a private detective has been assigned to track them down but the police haven't been informed? If they had been, wouldn't the home video of at least two people being murdered... have been taken in as evidence? Logic takes a prolonged vacation in this picture. I dare you not to clench your fists or gnash your teeth during the final scene. It's one idiotic decision after another. Sitting there silently would cause your skull to burst into flames so don't even try.
I can’t get over it. These guys get a mysterious puzzle box from a smelly Mexican hobo, he tells them to open it up... and they do it? The guy missed out. He should've tried to sell them magic beans! It’s the worst Hellraiser film. It also showcases the worst elements of a “found footage” horror movie. There is no reason for the two young men to be shooting the video they're shooting. The camera being there creates inconsistencies in the story and the tape's discovery makes no sense. It also contains the worst elements of a “home invasion” horror story. You despise the future victims but feel no joy when they get slaughtered. I had some praise concerning at least an attempt to show the “pain and pleasure the realms of which you cannot fathom” thing that only a few of the entries have done, but that would be like saying that the vibrations of you getting hit by a car made the day 1% less rainy for an ant that was about to be stepped on.
I haven't seen all of the Hellraiser pictures. Based on the ratio of failures to successes, and how bad the bad ones have been, I don't think I need to. This is an awful franchise. If you’re going to watch any, just watch the first one and if you're really a big fan of it, watch Inferno too. Everything else is torture, particularly Hellraiser: Revelations. (On DVD, March 8, 2015)
