#hehasreadthem

Fan… fics?

I hesitate to ask, but for the sake of knowledge (and so Elrond does not accuse me of “willful ignorance” again 😤), I must.

What, pray tell, is a “fanfic”? Is it a mortal text of historical importance? 📜 A sacred poetic tradition? 🎭 A forbidden tome of dark knowledge, hidden away for fear of its terrible power?? 👀✨

Because I have now attempted to investigate on my own, and I fear I have made a grave mistake. A very grave mistake.

Possibly the gravest of my immortal existence.

There exist entire collections of these so-called "fan fics," dedicated to… elves I know. To my employer. To my colleagues. To Glorfindel, of course. (Far too many about Glorfindel, if you ask me. He does not need this level of encouragement. He is already unbearable. 🙄)

And then. There are some about me.

I do not know who among you is responsible, but I have seen things. Things I cannot unsee. Things that must not be spoken of in the halls of Rivendell. Things that, should I bring them to Elrond’s attention, might result in a kingdom-wide ban on all mortal literature, effective immediately.

I must go.

I must lie down upon the softest of elven cushions and stare at the ceiling for a full age of the world.

I must walk the halls in silent contemplation, like a tragic figure in a ballad no one will sing.

I must retreat to the forests, the waterfalls, the great peaks of Middle-earth, where no such knowledge can follow me.

I must—and this is crucial—request extended leave from Elrond, effective immediately. And when he inevitably asks me why, I will have no choice but to look him in the eye and simply say: