#heavy read

Truth be told, I remember learning about the brutally hurtful N word (not through a history lesson, but through a downloaded video (youtube didn’t exist at this point in time, it was the early 00s) of a comedic sketch involving a breakfast ad, though the former came later) for the first time before shortly being told the next day at my NAS (National Autistic Society) School by a staff member to never, ever use that word under any circumstance because it was racist.

Even though I was too young and nieve to understand the true meaning behind that word, I believed him anyway. Apart from saying it once or maybe even twice back on that day, I never uttered that word ever again in my later years since that conversation.

Now, even though I knew never to used the N word again and would later learn how heavy and loaded the meaning behind that word is, what I was not tought however, was how the F word (not “fuck” obviously) was equally just as harmful, despite being a homophobic slur.

Back in my TF2 playing days, when I was using the worst method of playing the game (on a shoddy laptop), I remember constantly saying “fuck you f*****” an unhealthy amount of times out of comeplete frustration at constantly dying from 2010 to 2011, until one day it got me banned from a 24/7 Orange server. It was language I had learned from watching too many griefing videos in games like Counter Strike. Honestly should of known better not to internalize that shit.

I’m not sure when, where and how exactly, (my memory really isn’t the best) but after I left for College, I didn’t use the F word as fequently, probably after I had stopped watching those griefing videos and I was playing other, not multiplayer games at the time, after taking a much needed break from TF2 for a while.

So couple years later from 2013 all the way up to now, thanks to the infinite knowledge of the internet, I learned how the F word was also heavily loaded, along with even further information on the N word (plus even more harmful  racial/homophobic slurs), how historically harmful and destructive these words are and how they were used to dehumanise POC/LGBTQ people, as they still do this day.

And honestly?

I am very thankful for taking the time to learn what I know so far, and at the same time, make an effort to continue learning and find ways to make changes in my daily life that benefit those who don’t share the same privileges as I do (I’m autistic, but that’s not really something to worry about constantly, due to the lack of danger brought about from being white, male and hetero) and not to constantly get defensive, fall into the trap of rationalizing shit, or even going on the same slippering slope Pewdiefuck and so many others like him, are going down right now.

My point Mr. Sticks & Stones is;

Words DO hurt.