Day 2 - He asked for space. 💔😭
Yesterday, after figuring things out for myself (my self-reliance journey and all) I called my boyfriend up and something was off about our conversation. He just didn't seem all there, but not the kind of all there like he was troubled. He was the kind that didn't want to be all there because he was irritated. Let's rewind a bit before that. Like around afternoon time yesterday. I had gotten off of work and I decided to go home because I was feeling all sad and depressed because of the things that were happening at the time. I just wanted to call my boyfriend and be on the phone with him. I knew he would be home because he had yesterday and today off of work. So I called him up, and he was sleeping. But I kept bothering him to stay on the phone and to be there for me because I just wanted to talk to him. His voice alone comforts me. But he was just completely irritated. He didn't want to talk, he didn't want to listen, he was just straight up grumpy. I just wasn't having it. So I gave him all this crap about not talking to me and not wanting to be there for me. And so he just asked if he could call me back later that night which he did. But his mood did not change. I could tell something was wrong, by he just kept saying it was nothing in the same monotone voice. I knew that it was because of me. Either he wanted to end things or just didn't want to be on the phone with me. So I kept asking him and he finally told me the truth. He said that he wanted his space, no he didn't want to break up, but he just wanted time to himself. And he didn't want to talk lastnight. It honestly hurt, but what could I do? He told me that he's used to me being clingy and he didn't want to think too much about it because he knew that it would just be useless because I'm always like that. From there I realized how damaged I am. How much pressure I put on him. How many problems I cause. How messed up I really am. I feel so bad. I wish that he was able to give me what I want, but I don't think he ever will be able to do that. I honestly think I just need time for myself. Time to be my own person. Now here I am just thinking about what to do in my spare time. Right now, I just don't want to rely on him anymore. I just want to be happy on my own. I'm still trying to figure it all out.
