#heartachelixir

Of all the guys I’ve gone out with since 18, none of em ever took me out proper and for the one person that actually wanted to, I went to fuck it all up. Is it bad that all I ever crave these days is affection? I miss being held by someone that actually gives a fuck about my being. Of all the times I’ve let my guard down, the affection would only last for a night if not two. I can blame it on the fact that I never really knew how these things work because throughout my whole “dating” life, it’s always been going over to someone else’s place. From then on I’m always chasing the comfortability of it after because it rids of the awkwardness between two “new” people. I really don’t sleep around even though it’s starting to sound like it. Is it bad that I really like the closeness you get in bed? As empty as it feels after when feelings aren’t mutual. I’m so tired of putting myself out there but I’ve always been a believer that if you want something, you’ve got to do something about it instead of hoping for a miracle. I thought maybe this time I’ll be enough but apparently readiness is scary. Do you honestly think I’m not terrified by my own feelings? I get that these things take time but some nights get so fucking lonely. I should drop the idea that maybe this time it’ll be different. Guess not because alcohol makes you stupid. Why did I have to go and fuck it all up? 

Then again it’s just another phase that’ll pass and hopefully by now I’d know better than to repeat this shit for the 99th time. I get told to work on myself instead - it’s not that I don’t because I do. I’ve changed so much the past year, I finally gathered enough courage to do what I’ve always wanted to. I used to think it was impossible to leave the house on consecutive days but look at me now. I still struggle but I’m definitely better.