The Weight
Surprise! Here’s my first entry for the @heamarvel Harlequin Hoopla!
PROMPT: Secret Baby WORD COUNT: 3277 PAIRING: Steve Rogers x Female Reader WARNINGS: Language, angst, secrecy, fluff SQUARE FILLED: Uniform for @star-spangled-bingo SUMMARY: Steve’s faced with a massive choice. Does he let go of the biggest secret he’s ever kept, or does he let go of the shield? Which one can he stand to lose?
Steve glanced at his watch, exhaling audibly. Tony closed his eyes, then placed his hands on the table as he leaned forward.
“You got somewhere to be, Cap?”
Steve looked over at him, eyes flicking around the table at the rest of the people in the meeting. He gave a shake of his head.
“No. No, I … nope.”
Tony narrowed his eyes, but nodded.
“Okay, so we ship out at 2300 hours. See you all at the jet.”
The room buzzed with noise as everyone got up to exit the conference room. Steve walked over to Bucky, motioning with his head towards the hall. Bucky nodded, following Steve, and when the door had closed behind him, Bucky turned to shake his head.
“You can’t go on this mission.” “Well, I can’t bow out.” “Yes the hell you can! What are you going to do if—“ “You know I wouldn’t ask this if I had any other option, but …”
Bucky’s blue eyes nearly bugged out of his head.
“I’m not sitting this mission out! Don’t even ask that.” “But Buck—“ “Don’t ‘Buck’ me. This is the moment, Steve. Where you nut up and tell them or else pray something kills you out there before … you-know-who gets ahold of you.”
Steve huffed out a breath, shaking his head.
“If I try to back out, they’ll know.” “You’re an idiot if you think everything will be fine if you head out on this mission.”
Steve lifted a hand, rubbing it along his chin.
“It will be fine.”
Bucky just stared at him, a look of disbelief on his face as he shook his head.
“It’s cute that you believe that.”
“You’re kidding me, right?”
Steve hung his head.
“If there was any—“ “There is. Look them in the eye and say ‘Sorry, I can’t go.’” “And what about when they want an explanation? What am I supposed to tell them then?” “Here’s a novel idea: how about the truth?”
Steve sighed, running a hand over his face.
“You know it’s not that simple.” “Then make it simple. Do you understand exactly what’s happening here?”
Steve narrowed his eyes.
“Of course I understand.” “Do you? Because I don’t think you do.”
Steve sighed again.
“If I had any other choice—“ “See, that’s the thing. You do have a choice. You just tell yourself you don’t so you won’t have to feel guilty. Well, let me tell you something.”
Steve’s eyes widened as a delicate finger poked his chest.
“If you step on that jet tonight, I swear to God, that’s it.”
Steve’s blue eyes widened.
“You are not hitting me with an ultimatum.” “Yep. Sure am.” “You can’t—“ “You are talking about leaving the country for an indeterminate amount of time when I am this close. It’s not happening, Steven.”
He blinked, giving a shake of his head.
“This is my job. You realize that, right?” “Do you realize that if you leave tonight I’m taking it as you’re leaving me? This is it, Steve. This is the one thing I asked you to be around for.”
He glanced away and you blinked, then shook your head.
“You know what? Forget it. Go ahead and go. Have fun on your trip; try not to die.”
Steve hung his head as you turned and walked away. He followed you into the bedroom, watching you lug your suitcase from the closet and toss it onto the bed. He closed his eyes and exhaled slowly.
“What are you doing?” “What does it look like, Captain?”
He almost flinched at the venom in your voice.
“Baby—“ “Do not ‘baby’ me! God!”
You glared at him, shaking your head.
“Don’t you come in here and try to butter me up. I’m not giving in on this. If that makes me a bitch, fine. I’m a bitch. But this is the one thing, Steve. This is the one thing we can’t get back, and call me selfish, but I want you there.”
You stomped over to the dresser, going still as your hands flew up to cover your face.
“Damn it.”
Steve closed his eyes when he heard your first sob. He exhaled, then walked over to you, wrapping his arms around you from behind. You shook your head, letting your hands fall and grip his wrists.
“I know it’s asking a lot. But please … please don’t leave me right now.” “If I don’t go, they’re going to get suspicious.” “So let them. They’re a bunch of spies, Steve. They should have already caught on.” “What if I get Bucky to stay?”
You groaned, pushing out of his arms, turning to face him.
“I don’t want Bucky. I want you.”
You shook your head.
“The worst part of all of this is I don’t even think you really want to be there.”
Steve’s eyebrows furrowed.
“Of course I want to be there!” “Then why are you fighting me so hard?!”
He just stared at you and you shook your head again, tears welling up in your eyes.
“You just don’t want your friends finding out? Do you know how cheap that makes me feel?”
Steve closed his eyes.
“We’ve been over this.” “I know. We’ve run the fucking topic into the ground. You want to keep me safe or whatever, but all I feel is you want to keep me as your dirty little secret.” “That’s not—“ “Well, congratulations. I feel dirty every time you leave.”
Steve stared at you.
“How can you think that? How can you feel that, especially now?” “Look at our life, Steve. You won’t take me around your friends, who also happen to be your coworkers. You won’t take me out on dates.” “You said you were okay with that.” “Well, that was before now.”
You stared at Steve, who just stared back at you. After a silent battle of wills for a few moments, you nodded.
“You’re going to go, aren't you?”
Steve didn’t say anything, but you nodded again.
“Well, I meant what I said. Try not to die, okay?” “Y/N. Y/N, wait—
The slamming of the bathroom door cut him off. He took in a deep breath, hanging his head, reaching a hand up to pinch at his nose.
“You’re a goddamn idiot.”
Steve ground his teeth together as he adjusted his gloves, glaring at Bucky.
“Just shut up.” “No, I’m not going to shut up. Do you know how huge this is? And you’re just going to miss it?”
Steve whirled to face him, barging into Bucky’s personal space.
“Do you think I want to do this?” “Honestly? Yes.”
Steve stopped, face a mask of confusion when Bucky shook his head. He lifted his metal hand and let his pointer finger tap against the star in the middle of Steve’s uniform.
“You’re hiding behind that shield. Yes, this is your job, it’s what you took the serum for, blah blah blah. But Steve … you have a chance at a normal life here. Something you’ve been harping on for the last couple of years. Ever since you met Y/N, come to think of it. And you’re just going to let it slip through your fingers?”
He shook his head.
“You really think I’m hiding behind this shield?” “No, Steve. I know you are.”
Steve glanced at the shield he had propped against the wall, ready to be picked up and strapped onto his wrist at a moment’s notice.
“I’m not hiding. This is my job. This is who I am, Buck.”
Bucky pursed his lips and nodded.
“If I were to go ask Y/N right now, is that what she’d say? If I said “who is Steve Rogers,’ would she say he’s a shield and a star-spangled uniform? Or would she say something like you’re the love of her life? That you’re smart and funny and okay in bed?”
Steve closed his eyes, a half-smile on his face. Bucky gripped his shoulders, squeezing until Steve was looking him in the eye.
“I know you want to protect her. I know you think if all those people know then it makes her vulnerable somehow, but come on. Don’t do this. Don’t go on this mission out of some stupid sense of duty. You’ve got a bigger duty to worry about.”
Bucky gave a sigh, shaking his head as he let his arms drop.
“And to be quite honest? You know I’m with you until the end of the line, but … I don’t know if I can respect someone who can turn his back like you’re doing.”
Steve went still and Bucky shrugged as he turned and walked away. Steve turned his head, eyes on the mirror as he studied his reflection.
His uniform had always been something he’d taken pride in. He wore the star on his chest with honor, proudly sported the red, white, and blue because he was a tried-and-true patriot. But now …
All of a sudden ... the suit felt suffocating. The star seemed to mock him, it’s location over his heart somehow aching. He glanced towards the shield propped up against the wall, his arm giving a phantom ache as he thought of picking the shield up.
“Captain Rogers, the team is assembled at the jet. They’re waiting on you, sir.”
Steve swallowed, looking at himself in the mirror. He nodded.
“Thank you, F.R.I.D.A.Y.”
He walked over and picked up the shield, straightening his shoulders and making his way to the jet.
“There he is! Mr. Punctual finally decides to show up. Come on, Cap. We’re wheels up in two.”
Steve nodded, stopping at the base of the ramp.
“Tony, I’m not going.”
Tony turned to face him, the rest of the nosy team poking their heads around. Sam came to stand beside Tony, Natasha on his other side. Steve nodded to them.
“You can handle this.”
Tony shook his head.
“Have you forgotten you’re the captain? I know I talk a big talk, but you’re the boss here. We listen to you. They’re all just dying for one of your rousing speeches.” “Someone else is going to have to give it this time.” “What the hell, Cap?”
Steve looked around, seeing Bucky’s knowing smile. He nodded to him, then tossed him the shield. Bucky caught it easily, and Steve smiled at him.
“Bring it back in one piece, would ya?” “I got this, punk.”
Steve rolled his eyes, stepping back from the ramp. He nodded, then turned and walked away. Tony stared after him, shaking his head.
“Well, fine. Just fine. Buckle in, people.”
Steve burst through the door, hearing your gasp and seeing popcorn fly from the couch. You jerked around, eyes widening when you saw him standing there in his uniform.
“What the hell, Steve?!” “I’m an idiot. I’m so …”
He walked over and knelt in front of you, shaking his head and taking your hands as tears sparked in your eyes.
“I’m so sorry. I can’t believe I even thought of leaving. There’s no …”
He shook his head and you took his face in your hands.
“But you didn’t.” “I just knew I’d come back to an empty house. I was so scared you’d be gone.”
You nodded.
“I thought about it. But I … I’m just tired, Steve.” “I know, baby.” “Don’t ever do that again.” “I won’t.”
You ran your hands over the padding of his uniform, fingers brushing over the bumps of hidden Kevlar and different materials designed to keep him safe. You shook your head and he leaned in, pressing his lips to yours. You let your hands move back to his face, freshly shaven and smooth. He didn’t move his mouth from yours, speaking against your lips and making you smile.
“Do you want me to clean up the popcorn or take you to bed?” “Popcorn can wait. I don’t think I can.”
Steve gave a quiet laugh, nodding as he stood up, helping you to your feet, one hand in yours, the other against your back as he walked with you to the bedroom.
Two months later, there was a knock at the door. Steve stood up from the couch, yawning widely as he walked to the door. He opened it and his eyes widened.
“Guess who’s back and ready to hear an explanation?”
Steve sighed, narrowing his eyes at Sam and Bucky over Natasha’s head. He nodded, stepping back and holding the door open. When everyone was inside, Steve shut the door and stood with his back against it. Bucky moved his metal hand to his chest.
“They made me bring them here.” “Throwing us under the bus right off the bat, Barnes?”
Bucky shrugged and Steve nodded. Natasha crossed her arms over her chest, shaking her head.
“A house in the country, Steve? A born-and-bred Brooklyn boy like you?”
He shrugged his shoulders and she narrowed her eyes.
“And what’s with the beard? Did you sit out on this mission just to let yourself go? Speaking of, Tony’s ready to fire your ass, you know that, right?” “I don’t work for Tony.” “Well, who do you work for? Because as of right now, that’s pretty damn hard to tell.” “Excuse me.”
Natasha whirled around at the distinctly feminine voice, eyes wide. You smiled at the group of people in your living room, pushing the sleeves of Steve’s sweatshirt down your arms.
“Can you keep it down? I’m going to try and take a nap.”
Steve nodded, and you walked into the bedroom, closing the door behind you. Natasha turned to face him, eyes still wide.
“Who was that?” “If you’d just come have a seat—“ “Oh, I don’t think so.”
Steve looked to a smiling Bucky.
“You’re enjoying this, aren't you?” “Immensely.”
Natasha whirled to face Bucky.
“You knew?”
Bucky nodded, wincing when Natasha punched him in the arm. Steve nodded.
“Sam, you’re unusually quiet back there.” “Just taking it all in.”
Steve smiled.
“I think this is something easier shown than talked about. Come with me.”
Natasha marched after him, and Bucky clapped Sam on the shoulder as they walked down a hallway, stopping at a closed door. Steve had a soft smile on his face as he pushed it open and Natasha gasped.
The room was airy and light, gauzy curtains blowing in the gentle breeze coming in through the open window. The floor was covered in plush carpeting, the walls painted a light blue. Natasha’s mouth stayed open as she surveyed the room, a hand flying to cover her heart when she saw the white crib against the wall. She walked over and peeked inside, blinking back tears when she saw the swaddled baby sleeping there.
She turned to Steve and shook her head.
“There’s a baby.”
He gave a soft laugh.
“Yes, there is.”
Sam and Bucky huddled around Natasha, a smile coming to Bucky’s face. Sam slowly shook his head.
“This is why you couldn’t go on the mission.”
Steve had his hands in the pockets of his sweats, nodding his head.
“This is why I’m not going to be doing much avenging anymore.”
Bucky was grinning when he looked over his shoulder at Steve.
“What kind is it?” “Jesus. It’s not an ice cream flavor, Barnes.”
Steve gave a quiet laugh at both Bucky and Sam, then nodded to Bucky.
“It’s a boy.”
Bucky gave a quiet laugh.
“I owe you twenty bucks.”
Steve nodded and Natasha left the crib, walking over to stand in front of him.
“You didn’t tell us.”
Steve nodded as he looked down. Natasha shook her head, looking back over her shoulder at the crib.
“Why did you keep all this a secret?”
Steve sighed.
“I thought if people knew, then Y/N would be in danger. And then when she got pregnant, I was terrified that someone would find out and take her from me. She was okay with keeping the secret, but as time went on and she got bigger … I don’t know. She didn’t want to be a secret anymore. She tried to get me to tell you, to tell the team, but I … I let my fear control me.”
Sam shook his head.
“You’ve got to know that we’d do whatever we could to protect her.”
Steve nodded.
“I didn’t want to ask that of you. If I’d have gone on that mission, I would have lost them. Y/N dug her heels in and gave me an ultimatum: that mission was the last straw. But it wasn’t until he was born that it became clear to me.”
Steve walked over to the crib, watching his son sleep peacefully in the presence of his closest friends.
“I should have told you, given you some clue that I wasn’t just abandoning you guys. I was just too scared to face it.”
Sam shook his head, walking over to Steve, gripping his shoulder as he looked down into the crib. Bucky came and stood on Steve’s other side, and after a moment, Natasha walked over to stand beside Sam. Sam smiled, laying a hand on her shoulder.
“Does he have a name?”
Steve smiled.
“Ethan. Ethan Grant Rogers.”
Bucky clapped Steve on the back, and Steve smiled. Natasha swallowed, then spoke softly, her voice barely a whisper.
“Can I hold him?”
Steve smiled and nodded, reaching into the crib, big hands cradling the infant as he passed him into Natasha’s waiting arms. She settled, gently patting his bottom, staring at the baby. Sam looked over her shoulder and smiled.
“He’s beautiful, Steve.” “Looks just like Y/N, thank god.”
Steve elbowed Bucky, who gave a quiet laugh. Natasha murmured in Russian to the baby, and Sam nodded to her.
“What did you say?” “She’s welcoming him into the world. To the family.”
Sam glanced back at Bucky, who shrugged.
“Don’t want to get rusty.”
Sam shook his head and Natasha murmured some more, calling him sweet pet names that made Bucky smile. He murmured to her in Russian and she murmured something back that made him blush. Steve shook his head, reaching out his hands.
“Please don’t corrupt my son.”
Natasha smiled as she handed the baby back, and Steve cradled Ethan in his arms, shifting him to his shoulder. Everyone smiled when the baby snuggled up against Steve’s neck, and Steve glanced to the door to see you standing there.
“I thought you were going to take a nap.” “I wanted to make sure you weren’t creepily watching him sleep again.”
Steve smiled as you walked over, looping an arm around his back, gentle hand moving to Ethan’s back.
“He should be getting hungry soon.”
Steve nodded, and you glanced around the room, at the two new faces and the one who’d figured out the secret a long time ago.
“Would you like to stay for dinner? Steve has completely mastered the art of the takeout order.”
Sam laughed, sharing a glance with the rest of the room. He nodded, holding out his hand. You shook it, introducing yourself to him and then Natasha. Ethan started to squirm and fuss, so you took him from Steve, swaying as you walked, patting his bottom and talking low as you left the room.
Sam shook his head when you left the room, and Natasha turned to Steve.
“Tony’s going to have a field day with this.”
Steve lifted a hand to scratch at his neck, a sheepish look on his face.
“I was thinking maybe we just wouldn’t tell him?”
Bucky let out a laugh.
“Oh no, buddy. This secret’s definitely coming out now.”
