#healing reflections

Dear friends and ministry partners,

I know many of you know I underwent radical mastectomy in July and am currently undergoing chemotherapy. Early in September I was hospitalized for pneumonia. Please let me share some reflections.

I’d been lying in a hospital bed for two days, when lyrics from a song popularized by  Kuh Ledesma began going through my head:

Dito ba, O dito ba… ang daigdig ko ngayon?

Bakit ibang-iba sa daigdig ko noon?*

Now  when your arm is swollen because of three IV needles being stuck in it all at the same time, when you’re hooked up to an oxygen tank and running a fever, it is easy to  think self-pitying thoughts and to ask, “Dito ba ang dapat kong kalagyan na isang sulok kong hiram sa ilalim ng araw?”** the way I started to do. I do not really know this song, have listened to it only casually and not within recent years but it kept running through my head endlessly!  It was an attack of the enemy – Satan was trying to control my thoughts. It is no wonder people in situations like mine think of ending their own lives!

Praise God for a CD of hymns and sacred songs lent by Helen Roxas, CCT  board member.  One of the songs I listened to, to counter the depressing one playing like a broken record in my head was the old hymn Moment by Moment. Its chorus goes like this:

  Moment by moment I’m kept in His love; Moment by moment I’ve life from above; Looking to Jesus till glory doth shine; Moment by moment, O Lord, I am Thine.

By God’s grace,  Dito Ba was finally banished from my mind. However, just a little while later, another negative thought crept in, heralded by lines from  a poem I’d written in my early 20s:

                                     My cage confines me round

Abroad I cannot fly

But though my wings are tightly bound

My heart’s at liberty.

My prison walls cannot control

The flight, the freedom of the soul.

These were ideas very reminiscent of a rebellious, young Ruth raring to do something about society and angry about the non-responsiveness of the Church and the irrelevance of education.

 Confined to that bed I began feeling resentful, useless, helpless, and I actually asked God, “What have I done, Lord, to deserve this?”

 The Lord gently reminded me then of Paul and Silas  who were beaten by a crowd, thrown into prison then miraculously freed!  

 Next, He reminded of events of nine years when I was diagnosed with cancer of the liver, when people thought I was a goner.   One evening as I slept, the Lord led me through a study of Genesis 2:7 (Then the Lord God formed a man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being.)

 In that Bible study God allowed me to realize I needed to fully surrender my life to Him – to make Him Lord of my life and not just Savior. He also made me realize that even after decades of helping the poor I was living a life of hypocrisy. I must admit there is some kind of self-gratification that comes from doing good works.

 I asked God for forgiveness and told Him, “You can do with my life as You please. I am no longer in control. You are!”  At two o’clock in the morning, I woke up feeling completely free and whole again! My body, soul, and spirit sang: How great Thou art, how great Thou art!  Soon I was sending text messages to family and close friends that I had been healed. It was a miracle!

 Over the  nine years since, I have seen God’s faithfulness. The blessings have been tremendous. I cried out in desperation for the plight of the poorest, and God gave CCT opportunities and resources to help. Our ministry to the homeless, the Kaibigan Ministry, to this day, separates us as a serious vessel to help street dwellers. Entire families have been ministered to in both physical and spiritual aspects.  Fathers and mothers have been given jobs, their children have been provided with schooling. Whole families are being discipled. 

 God’s work has expanded far beyond our most fervent prayers and we have reached out, not just to micro entrepreneurs and street dwellers, but even to sugarcane workers, factory workers, construction workers, and minority groups.  A significant number of middle management staff have been sent to the country’s best graduate schools.  God has truly blessed the ministry.

 He has also sent people to walk alongside me through this journey. CCT board members Stephen and Helen Roxas have ministered so much to me personally.  Other board members have shared wise advice, practical knowledge, and direction with regard to CCT.  CCT’s senior and middle managers have served faithfully and with humility. The general staff are  selfless and dedicated, working despite difficult conditions, enduring such things as dusty, rough roads that turn muddy or flooded when it rains. Many of them are broken, yet in their brokenness are able to minister to others. 

 I now ask myself, “Did I do my part?   Have my thoughts and actions been worthy of the extraordinary blessing given me?  Has my life been fully surrendered to God at all times?” 

 I pray fervently that in my life God is truly honored… everyday.

 But what does the story of Paul and Silas have to do with me? 

 The Lord has made me realize that this sickness is a prison from which I will be freed. The Lord will release me from my cancer  today just as He released me from liver cancer nine years ago.  I know it will not be as dramatic as the first healing, but I know I will be whole again.      

 I have undergone a four-step process during this illness.  I’ve experienced self-pity, I’ve been rebellious.  But then I’ve realized God’s goodness, His graciousness, steadfastness and faithfulness, and again, I am surrendering my whole life to Him.

 As I proceed from this point in my journey with my Lord and Savior, my desire is the same as Paul’s in Philippians 3:10 - I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death.

 I truly want to know Christ more and more and more.  This is my ambition.  This is my purpose.

 *Rough translation: Is this the place I should be?  Why is it so different from the world I hqve always known?